Avitable

CNN had a story yesterday discussing 10 ideas that could change the world. It was a bunch of pablum – ideas like recycling, portable water cleaners, walking, and printing on both sides of the paper.

Everybody knows that these ideas only work in a Utopian world. The reality is that there are definitely ideas that can change the world, and they can do that by changing the country first. With a stronger, healthier US, the world will get better and stronger as a result. With ideas like these, we can take the first step towards changing the world:

10. Legalize marijuana: Do you know why marijuana is considered a gateway drug? Because the same person you can get it from also sells hard drugs. If you got it from your local Walgreens or CVS, the only gate you’d open would be one to the wonderful world of Tylenol, Wellbutrin, and Proton Pump Inhibitors. By taxing it, the government could create revenue where there is none. Prison overcrowding would decrease. And sales of junk food would stimulate the economy.

9. Teleportation: If there were teleport stations that could instantly transport us to another location, the airline industry would be limited to package delivery and luxury experiences. This would eliminate the need for the bloated and incompetent government agency, the TSA. Workdays would become more efficient because hours of flight and airport time would be eliminated. Pollution from air travel would be reduced, as well. On the downside, we’d hear ten thousand “Beam me up, Scotty” jokes a day.

8. Revamp the television industry: With more and more children replacing books with television, it’s essential that the TV industry rise to the challenge. By eliminating the antiquated Nielsen rating method of calculating a show’s value and considering the fact that intelligent programming has more downloads and online purchases and views than other television, we can see the proliferation of more shows that make us think. If television executives were replaced with television writers, children and adults alike would have quality television to watch, enriching their intelligence. And if the shows were “too smart” for people, maybe they’d pick up a fucking book instead.

7. Eliminate weekends: Let’s face it, most people waste their weekends by fucking up their sleep schedule, laying around, and occasionally running errands. If we changed workweeks to shifts, alternating between 9 AM to 3 PM and 11 AM to 5 PM, seven days a week, parents would be able to be home with their kids after school, getting quality time. With businesses being open seven days a week, brick and mortar stores will be able to compete with the Internet, and if you lose your debit card on a Sunday, you’ll be able to get it replaced immediately.

6. Nationalize driver’s licenses and speed limits: If we have one type of ID card for everyone, we will make it more difficult for everyone to get fake IDs, which may help with fewer drunk driving incidents with underage kids while making it easier to catch criminals. A national speed limit will reduce the risk of accidents caused by people constantly slowing down and accelerating, and a national force to enforce speeding violations could free up local and regional police to focus on real crime.

5. Push forward a third political party: Our political system needs an overhaul. When a president like Obama tries to reach across party lines and is derided by both Republicans and Democrats alike, something is seriously wrong. That whole “united we stand” concept is an absolute truth, but as we get more and more polarized, we get weaker and weaker as a country. If we could develop a third political party with some actual strength, Americans would be forced to compromise and change their way of thinking in order to see their ideals and concepts grow. And if we have more compromise and less fearmongering, we will thrive.

4. Annex Canada and Mexico: By making Mexico a part of the United States, more than half of the immigration debate is eliminated. Canada is basically the US already, just with weird colored money and too much French, and all of our best comedians come from the Great White North. If North America and the United States were one and the same, we could have poutine in Florida and they could have Hulu and iPhones in Canada. Our border patrols would be limited to the Central America/North America juncture, and we could increase the power of our navy to what it should be. Although, thanks to the Village People, the navy will still be pretty gay.

3. Give teachers a fucking break: Doctors save lives. Entertainers keep us happy. Lawyers run the country. Teachers are the ones responsible for the country’s future. They should get pay commensurate with the burden placed on their shoulders. We should offer student loan forgiveness and even free education if they promise to teach for a specific number of years. Schools should be rewarded on excellence and aptitude scores, not on how many students they can push through each grade.

2. Get rid of business attire: Mandatory business attire is one avenue that leads to classism. If stockbrokers, lawyers, and freelance writers all looked alike, maybe people would get to know each other before deciding they didn’t like one another. Plus, not needing shirts and slacks to be ironed would push gender equality forward another 10 steps.

1. Make me Emperor of the World: As far as I can figure it out, I’m the best chance our world has to be totally awesome. We’ll have a global currency called the Avitabuck. The top 5% of the world’s population will financially support the bottom 20%. Birthday cake, Oreos and Diet Coke will be provided for free, and ugly and stupid people will be relegated to an island where they can only procreate with each other. Everyone gets iPhones, laptops, and WiFi, and everywhere is clothing optional. It’ll be a paradise!