Last night I was over at Britt's for a Super Bowl party. During the six or so hours I was there, I may have inadvertently watched two or three minutes of actual football. And other than that Google ad (awwwww), I didn't really see much worth getting excited over.

So I thought I'd write a little message to NFL about ways to try to spice up the Super Bowl for those of us who don't watch football but still go to Super Bowl parties.

Dear National Football League Super Bowl Rule Guys,

While it's fun and all to watch people chase each other around on a big field and cheer for half of them because they're wearing a different color than the rest, maybe there's a way to make it even more exciting! I would suggest adding one of the following options to the game:

• Football/live grenade switcheroo every four downs.
• Quarterback gets to have sex with the wives of the entire defensive line every time he throws a completed pass.
• In the fourth quarter, snow machines are turned on and everyone plays in skis.
• Ninjas.
• Instead of throwing penalty flags, refs get to give the offending player a wedgie.
• Grandstanding and showboating are sniperable offenses.
• Script the game, just like wrestling. Bring back Randy "Macho Man" Savage.
• Losing team has to get real jobs

If you could listen to me and the millions of other people out there who don't live vicariously through a team of random people because they are currently being paid a ridiculous salary to stay in some geographic location that resonates with us, and make a few of these changes, I'd really appreciate it!

Love and kisses,

Adam Heath Avitable

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Today's a tough day for a friend because it's the anniversary of her wedding to her ex-husband. In addition, she's been in a period of transition recently, packing up her belongings to move back to California after spending some time here in Florida. It's understandable that today will bring up sad memories for Hilly, but I think we can do something to change that.

Let's declare today, February 7th, "Hilly Love Day", and everybody take a second out of your busy Sunday schedule to do one or more of the following:

1. Leave a comment on this post
2. Post on her Facebook wall
3. Send her a tweet
4. If you have her cell number, send her a text.

What should you say? How about "Happy Hilly Love Day!" or "Hilly is awesome" or "I PPH Hilly" or "Hilly makes me feel funny in my pants". Any of these ideas, or anything you can think of on your own, is acceptable.

Let's spread the love and give Hilly something positive to think of on next February 7th!

(Oh, and while you're leaving positive, happy messages, today is the birthday of Jessica, aka Black Belt Mama! Happy birthday, Jessica!)

If you've been paying attention to the news at all, you might have seen the conflict between Sarah Palin and Rush Limbaugh. Apparently, Sarah Palin demanded that President Obama fire his Chief of Staff, Rahm Emanuel, after it was reported that Emanuel said "fucking retarded" in a private meeting. She considered any version of the use of the word "retard" to be disrespectful.

Separately, Rush Limbaugh grew frustrated with protests around Emanuel's use of "retard", saying "our politically correct society is acting like some giant insult's taken place by calling a bunch of people who are retards, retards."

Now, you see, we have the bloated, drug addicted face and voice of the Republican Party butting heads with Alaska's biggest disaster since the Exxon Valdez crash. How will those Republicans who follow Fox News blindly know who to listen to? Should they go rogue or hope Obama fails? Which is it? This could break the Republican Party in half!

Luckily, Sarah Palin had a solution. I've obtained an exclusive look at the email she wrote to Rush to try to defuse the entire situation.

"Dear Rush,

I think we can both agree that it is in the best interest of this great country of ours to come to an agreement. I do have a problem with the word "retard", but I suggest as a compromise that the word "tard" is more acceptable because it has fewer letters. It also has a bit of a cutesy tone to it, and Toddy says that I do well with cutesy.

So if you would be willing to redirect your anger about people protesting Emanuel's statement, I won't worry about my little tard having his feelings hurt. This is for the greater good, remember, and no matter what, we have to compromise whatever principles we have to make sure that nigger doesn't get another term.

Love and winks,
Sarah."

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In other Avita-news, today is the 38th birthday of my good friend and Geekette Supreme, Heather! She doesn't look a day over 25, especially when she's in uniform. Happy birthday, Heather!

Welcome to Divorce 101 here at Avitable's School of Higher Learning. Hopefully, each of you did your reading over winter break. If not, your assignments are to read "You Can't Have 'Divorce' Without an 'Orc'" and "Top Ten Ways Not To Get Ripped Off By The Pawnbroker Buying Your Wedding Ring" and write a paper discussing the thematic elements in each book and how they compare to and contrast with the philosophy present in Plato's Republic.

I don't have a syllabus ready because I was too busy trying to buy all of those little things you need for your home that you don't think about, like coasters or salt and pepper or a toilet brush. So instead, I've decided just to quickly outline the next 12 weeks so that you can be properly prepared for each lesson. Remember, I grade on a curve, but you will lose or gain points based on the caliber, attractiveness, and IQ of your rebound final exam.

DIVORCE 101, BY DOCTOR ADAM HEATH AVITABLE

LESSON #1: DISHES

Problem: Doing dishes sucks. I hate that chore more than anything else in the world.
Old Married Solution: Wait until they pile so high that spouse does them.
New Divorced Solution: Use paper plates.

LESSON #2: TELEVISION

Problem: Part of the fun of watching comedies is laughing with other people.
Old Married Solution: Save comedies to watch with spouse.
New Divorced Solution: Record yourself laughing on your computer and make your own laughtrack.

LESSON #3: LAUNDRY

Problem: It's inordinately difficult to put dirty laundry anywhere other than the exact spot where you took it off.
Old Married Solution: Laundry fairy flits around, picking up dirty socks and underwear and placing them in clothes hampers.
New Divorced Solution: Buy 60 pairs of socks, 60 pairs of underwear, and re-use shirts and pants. Once every two months, rent a small backhoe and push laundry pile into laundry room.

LESSON #4: MEALS

Problem: I don't like to cook and I don't like going out to eat alone.
Old Married Solution: Go out for dinner 5 nights a week and order in the other two.
New Divorced Solution: Microwave two hot dogs covered in cheese and smother in mayo. Total prep time: 1:45.

LESSON #5: SLEEPING

Problem: I have nightmares of creepy little girls and huge spiders.
Old Married Solution: Scream until spouse wakes up and calms you down.
New Divorced Solution: Only sleep in 20-minute increments every two hours so that you achieve sleep without ever going into a dream state.

LESSON #6: SHARING

Problem: It's a stress relief to share the details of your mundane day.
Old Married Solution: Tell spouse about your day in detail.
New Divorced Solution: Blog.

LESSON #7: COMFORT

Problem: There's a distinct difference in the feel of an empty house vs a house with someone else living there.
Old Married Solution: Spouse is present.
New Divorced Solution: Rent your new home out as a glory hole for 50-year old queens.

LESSON #8: ZOMBIE ATTACK

Problem: Zombies are attacking.
Old Married Solution: Pick a defensible room and cover each other's backs until spouse gets bitten, then kill spouse and then self.
New Divorced Solution: Get bitten, join the zombies and become King of Zombies.

LESSON #9: NINJAS

Problem: Ninjas are attacking.
Old Married Solution: Show you are a man of honor by defending spouse, gain respect of ninja clan.
New Divorced Solution: Demand ninja respect by dropping pants and praying that Asian small penis stereotype is true.

LESSON #10: GEEKINESS

Problem: You are a giant geek who reads comic books and has action figures.
Old Married Solution: Embrace your geekiness completely because spouse has already committed.
New Divorced Solution: Rent two homes. One for dates that demonstrates a home of a well-adjusted, normal 33-year old man, and one that nobody sees with 43 Batman statues, a full-size Yoda replica, and lightsabers.

LESSON #11: DRESSING

Problem: You have no idea how to dress.
Old Married Solution: Don't bother learning how to. Spouse is stuck with you.
New Divorced Solution: Don't bother learning how to. Someone out there will see you as a project!

LESSON #12: CHOKING

Problem: There is always a risk of choking when eating any type of food.
Old Married Solution: Make sure spouse knows CPR.
New Divorced Solution: Limit diet to soup and ice cream to avoid any possibility of choking and asphyxiating alone on your kitchen floor.

And that's it for today's class. I'd teach more, but I somehow have more chores I need to do even though there's only one of me! See you next week when we'll also explore why it's not proper for a man to refer to himself as a "divorcee".

I've done this before, but it's always fun.

1. Go to the "Random Article" link on Wikipedia. Write down the title of the article. This is the name of your band.

2. Go to “Random Quotations” and the last four or five words of the very last quote of the page is the title of your first album.

3. Go to Flickr and click on “Explore the Last Seven Days”. The third picture will be your album cover.

Put them all together and you get:

Try it!

As you probably know, the Oscar nominations were announced yesterday, and there were a few pleasant additions, like Inglourious Basterds and District 9. With the Academy changing the rules and having 10 nominees for Best Picture, it seems like the Oscars have had a bit of an upheaval. But did you know that there are secret categories that they don't announce or televise? Here are just a few, along with the current frontrunner for each category:

Best Toy Line Turned Into a Movie: GI Joe
Worst Toy Line Turned Into a Movie: The Bratz Movie

Best Naked Blue Man: Dr. Manhattan, Watchmen
(Honorable Mention: Jakesully, Avatar)

Best Mall Cop Movie: Observe and Report

Coolest Nazi Ever: Hans Landa, Inglourious Basterds

Douchiest Movie Scene: "Robot Heaven", Transformers 2

Best Ryan Reynolds Role: The Proposal
Worst Ryan Reynolds Role: Wolverine

Best Title That Should be a Porn: The Lovely Bones

Best Use of Ryan from The Office: Inglourious Basterds

Worst Movie of the Year: Post Grad (oh, Rory)

Since December, thanks to urging by several friends, I have watched the entire first five seasons of LOST on Hulu in anticipation of the final season, which premieres tonight.

If you've never watched LOST and plan on it at some point in the future, you may want to stop reading now. Otherwise, continue.

Here are my theories on what's going to happen in this final season:

• In the series finale, Jack is going to wake up in bed next to Suzanne Pleshette and tell her about the really weird dream he just had.
• The island is actually from the planet Cybertron and the smoke monster is a wounded Megatron.
• In the end, we find out that the island was created by Leland Palmer who was under the influence of Bob.
• Ninjas.
• The entire staff of writers leaves halfway through the season and so it ends on a weak note where fucking Lorelai doesn't end up with fucking Luke even though we all know they're meant for each other.
• The Korean war will finally end.

What do you think will happen?

I've had my bureau since I was a baby and too young to know what one was. It's moved with me from Daytona Beach to Virginia to Saint Louis to Los Angeles and back to Florida. As I progressed to wearing shirts that required hanging and as I kept my shorts in a pile by the front door where I shucked them as I entered the house, I stopped using all but one drawer of my bureau. All of my socks, manties, and undershirts were crammed into one drawer and the other drawers were sadly neglected.

After moving to my new house, I decided that there was no reason not to use my bureau the way it was meant to be used. That meant cleaning out the drawers first, though. After cleaning out the pound and a half of gum wrappers and crumpled pieces of paper, this is what I found in my top drawer:

1. A Sharpie, for writing my name in my underwear in case of an accident.
2. The manual for a Universal Remote that we haven't owned since 2004.
3. MAD Magazine for quick comedy relief.
4. Pair of infant Superman pajamas that my parents gave us as a Christmas present and as a hint on our first Christmas back in Florida. Ha – I showed them!
5. Books – because of course they belong in a drawer, not in a bookcase with the rest of their kind. They're too good for their home.
6. Pieces of a cut-up credit card stored here for security purposes for all of those thieves who go through our garbage. Not because I'm crazy paranoid.
7. Avitable.com condoms. Unused.
8. Cable splitters, in case of a cable emergency.
9. Handi-wipes that expired in 2004. Is that even possible?
10. A Zippo lighter that says "Fuck Communism" on the side. /comic reference
11. Hot pink cock ring. Obviously for gay sex only.
12. Old lunch receipt from 2004. Parking receipt from 2003. Saved for tax purposes. The retarded packrat tax, apparently.
13. Belt that never fit me, but I can now wear as tight as it goes. And beat my imaginary children with.
14. K-bar knife from the US Marine Corps, because you never know when you might need to stab people in your bedroom.
15. Light-up clown nose for fun and games and scaring children.
16. Piggy bank that I received when I was born. Has my name and birthdate engraved on it. Contains nothing.
17. Apparently at its old age, piggy is incontinent and keeps pooping out coins.

I think I'll keep the knife, hang up the belt, put the books and magazine away, wear the Superman pajamas, put on the cock ring, split my cable, wipe my hands, spend my change, wear the clown nose, and write my name on my forehead, and then I'll have my sock drawer back!

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In other Avitanews, today is the birthday of a friend in the UK, Dan from All That Comes With It. Go wish him a happy birthday and check out the awesome armchair reviews over at his new site, Lee and Dan's Midnight Movie Club!

I always hear Britt use "honey" on the phone with many people. Karl calls every person in the world and, I'm convinced, random objects he encounters, "babe". Turnbaby doesn't go a half hour without calling someone "sugar".

I understand why people do this. It gets repetitive to use someone's name over and over again when you're talking to them. I mean, here's an example:

Nickname-less: "Britt, I understand that you want to punch me in the port, but you know, Britt, that's going to hurt, and it might make me cry. And, Britt, we all know that even though you talk a tough game, you hate to see me cry."

Nickname-full: "Babe, I understand that you want to punch me in the port, but you know, fucker, that's going to hurt, and it might make me cry. And, Britt, we all know that even though you talk a tough game, you hate to see me cry."

See? Much better!

I've decided I need a new sobriquet to use with people when I talk to them. "Fucker" works well in some situations, but if I'm trying to be sympathetic or comforting, "I'm sorry your cat just died, fucker" just doesn't have the right ring to it. I've eliminated "sweetie" and "sweetheart" for having baggage associated with them, I can't use "dear" because I'm not your 90-year old Great Aunt Mabel, and I can't say "honeychile" without doing a little finger snap and head/neck weave, and that's just too much work.

Instead of spending copious hours unpacking, working, or masturbating, I've researched possible nicknames and finally narrowed it down to ten choices. Each of these is a viable nickname for my daily interactions with people, but I can't choose.

Leave your vote in the comments. Whichever word gets a majority of votes will be my new term of endearment!

1. Buttercup
2. Darling (but pronounced "Dahlink")
3. Hotpants
4. Princess
5. Munchkin
6. Cuteness
7. Tits
8. Pumpkin
9. Bunny
10. Twinkles

Thanks, honeychile.