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How Avitable Are You? The Most Terrifying Purity Test You’ll Ever Take

How Avitable Are You?

The Adam Avitable Purity Test

There are so many purity tests out there that subjectively decide whether you should avoid walking into churches or if you’re purer than driven snow, whatever the fuck driven snow is. There are no industry standards when it comes to purity.

So I decided to forego purity and make a test that any random human or dolphin with opposable thumbs and an Internet connection could take to find out exactly how Avitable they are. Each question has been hand-picked from my life – just check the boxes next to the nefarious deeds you’ve performed and see where you’re lacking and what needs to go on your immediate bucket list.

Warning: You can’t unlearn these things.

Are you pure or are you Avitable?

Have you ever . . .

  1. Been pulled over for speeding on at least 10 separate occasions?
  2. Stolen enough inventory from a job to stock your own store?
  3. Forged a signature?
  4. Shaved a design, number or word into any part of your body that has hair?
  5. Invaded someone’s privacy and read their email or checked their phone?
  6. Plotted a realistic and legitimate way to kill someone, even if you didn’t go through with it?
  7. Stalked someone on Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter even if you’ve never met them, just because you want to have sex with them?
  8. Cheated on an exam in college or graduate school?
  9. Ran an adult website or participated in one?
  10. Dressed as someone of the opposite gender?
  11. Taken prescription medicine illegally?
  12. Used illegal drugs?
  13. Subscribed to at least three different types of pornographic magazines?
  14. Masturbated more than five times in a day?
  15. Masturbated while someone was in the next room?
  16. Masturbated to a video picturing yourself engaged in sex with someone?
  17. Used multiple toys or devices during sex or masturbation?
  18. Enabled someone to engage in destructive behavior?
  19. Enabled someone to cheat on their significant other with you?
  20. Been the other man (or woman) on at least four separate occasions?
  21. Cheated on your significant other?
  22. Traveled to another country to have sex with someone who was married?
  23. Traveled to a conference or event just to have sex with someone who was married?
  24. Had an orgasm (or given someone an orgasm) through prostate massage?
  25. Watched someone masturbate or have sex when they didn’t know you were watching?
  26. Been a complete and utter exhibitionist?
  27. Recorded yourself having sex with a partner?
  28. Sent naked pictures and/or videos to someone else with your phone?
  29. Received naked pictures and/or videos?
  30. Posted naked pictures of yourself on the Internet publicly?
  31. Had naked photos developed at a store that you later picked up in person?
  32. Written out and sent a sexual fantasy for someone else?
  33. Left a bruise, hickey, bite, or other mark on a visible part of your partner’s body?
  34. Masturbated or had sex in a church?
  35. Had sex with at least 20 people?
  36. Had sex in a moving car while you or the other person were driving?
  37. Had sex on a public beach?
  38. Had sex with more than three people in one week?
  39. Had sex with more than two people in one day?
  40. Had sex while under the influence of drugs and/or alcohol?
  41. Taken someone’s virginity of some type – oral, anal, or otherwise?
  42. Almost died while performing oral sex due to suffocation (or choking)?
  43. Participated in a rape/choking/pain fantasy?
  44. Had sex with someone fifteen or more years younger than you?
  45. Had phone/Skype/FaceTime sex?
  46. Hooked up with at least one of your sibling’s friends?
  47. Had sex with a friend’s ex?
  48. Had a one-night stand?
  49. Had sex with at least one employee, boss, or co-worker?
  50. Had sex with at least five redheads?


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Love, death, and life: My first time presiding over a memorial service

I didn’t know Wendy as well as most of you, but I was fortunate enough to knew her nonetheless.

She touched my life just as she touched each of yours.

Wendy Delouche was a force of nature;
A fireworks display;
A flower in bloom.

Her passion for life inspired all who crossed her path, and her vibrance and personality was larger than life.

Wendy didn’t have a storybook life.
Her world was rocked with inexplicable tragedy.
She knew better than any of us how unpredictable life is.
How things can change in an instant.
How we can’t expect answers when it comes to life and death.

She could have dwelled on her tragedy and let it turn her bitter or disillusioned.

But she didn’t.
She took that tragedy and let it fuel her to experience life to the fullest extent.

Wendy lived more in a week than most people will live for their entire lifespans. She set an example for each of us.

We are not here today to mourn her.
We can’t do that.
Wendy wouldn’t allow it.
We are here to celebrate her.
Her life.
Her passion.
Her laugh.
Her smile.
Her love.

Picture a moment you shared with Wendy.
Imagine some special snapshot of your time with her that makes you smile.
Let that resonate inside of you.

Join me in a moment of silence as we reflect on someone who was bigger than life itself. Reflect not with sadness or tears, but with a smile on your face and let us celebrate her life.

Two hundred people filled the theater in downtown Winter Garden. Her surrogate family from her years in the film industry. Her genetic family, including two children, her partner, and her mother and grandmother. Friends, teachers, students – all people she touched in her too-short life. And me, the comedian slash ordained minister slash guy who had never presided over a memorial service before.

Officiating Wendy's Memorial Service

Wendy’s death leaves a void. Her genuine love and appreciation of life and the world around her made her extremely special. As I stood in the wings, listening to each memory, story, and testimonial that was shared by those who loved her, I was struck by the impact she had, and I felt comforted to know I wasn’t alone.

Waiting in the wings

Tears flowed when recounted memories brought the reality of her death into sharp focus. Laughs echoed as foibles and past adventures were briefly relived. For almost two hours, all of us in that theater were brought together by one person.

It’s nigh impossible to walk away without having a renewed appreciation for life and a desire to honor her memory. Love life, love the world, love the people around you, just . . . be love. Wendy’s mantra should be yours and mine and everyone’s.

The honor of being asked to preside over her memorial service was only shadowed by my abject fear of screwing up. It’s one thing to officiate a wedding and make a happy couple smile while respecting traditions important to them. That’s nothing compared to speaking in front of a group of people who all wish they didn’t have to be there, reflecting on death and mourning someone as vibrant, as present, and as thoroughly beautiful as Wendy M. Delouche.

I wish there hadn’t been a reason for us to be in that room today. I wish this was an elaborate joke, with Ashton Kutcher waiting in the sidelines. I wish this had been a celebration of her life with her present and participating. But I’m glad that when the moment came, I was able to be there in a way that would have made her proud.

In Memoriam of Wendy M. Delouche

I Call It Dating. You Call It Stalking.

Last minute Valentine’s Day Cards just for you

About six years ago, I developed some fantastic Valentine’s Day cards that I sent to Hallmark, but I never heard back. To hell with them! I’ll share them again for free with you – ready to just cut out and send to your loved one. Happy Valentine’s Day – I’ll be the one eating chocolate and crying in the shower.

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The WAYYYYY TMI Birthday Post – Read At Your Own Risk

Thirty-eight years ago, the world improved just a little. And today, as you read this birthday recap post that tells you more about me than any person should ever know (even if you read the similar one I did two years ago), the world gets a little worse.

It’s all about balance.

BASIC:

Birth date: January 26, 1977
Birth location: Weymouth, Massachusetts
Age of earliest memory: 2
Age I started reading: 2
Siblings: 2
Height: 6’0″
Weight: 280
Heaviest weight: 460
Goal weight: 250
Shirt size: XXL
Waist size: 46-48
Shoe size: 12W

States I’ve lived in: 5
Years in Massachusetts: 3
Years in Virginia: 4
Years in Missouri: 3
Years in California: 3
Years in Florida: 25
Years that it’s felt like I’ve lived in Florida: 100

EDUCATION:

Schools attended: 4
Degrees received: 2
Undergraduate degree: Bachelor of Arts in East Asian Studies, Washington and Lee University
Graduate degree: Juris Doctorate, Washington University School of Law
Worst high school grade received: B, History
Worst undergraduate grade received: F, Psychology
Worst undergraduate grade received: F, Labor Law
Highest GPA: 4.9/4.0
Lowest GPA: 2.6/4.0

TRAVEL:

Cars owned: 4
Age when I got my first ticket: 17
Speeding/traffic tickets received: ~48
Accidents: 1
Accidents that weren’t my fault: 1
Accidents that totaled my awesome car but resulted in me buying an even better one: 1
Flat tires: 1
Most expensive ticket: $288
Highest speed (caught): 90
Highest speed (not caught): 120
Money spent on tickets: ~$10,000
Money spent on lawyers to fight tickets: ~$5,000
People following me home because of my driving: 3
Times cops have come to my door: 2

States visited: 35
Countries visited: 3
Non American countries visited: 0
Most miles traveled one-way: 2,896 miles
Cruises taken: 2

BLOGGING/COMEDY:

Blog posts written: 2584
Years blogging in any form: 16
Books I’ve written: 1
Times I’ve been published in print: 5
Books I want to write: 3

Age when I first performed stand up comedy: 16
Age when I next performed stand up comedy: 34
Years performing stand up: 4
Longest set performed: 45 minutes
Number of paid gigs: >200
Number of unpaid gigs: >1,000
Number of cities performed in: >30
Biggest audience: ~300
Number of people who walked out: 0 (so far)

Facebook friends: >3,000
Facebook friends I don’t have any idea who the hell they are: >500
Facebook friends who are legitimate friends: ~100
Facebook friends I’m friends with because I really want to have sex with them: ~100

SEX, LOVE, AND DATING:

Age that I
 Fell in love the first time: 5
 Masturbated: 9
 Had my first real girlfriend: 13
 French kissed a girl: 13
 Touched my first naked breast: 14
 Got to third base: 16
 Lost my virginity: 21
Had good sex: 32

Longest relationship: 12 years
Shortest relationship: 3 days
Times I’ve been in love: 5
Times that’s worked out: 0

Sexual partners: 21
 Who were redheads: 7
 Blondes: 8
 Brunettes: 6
 Caucasian: 20
 American: 19
 Bloggers: 5
 Older: 7
 Younger: 14
 Midgets: 0
 Almost midgets: 2
 Married, separated or in a relationship: 9
 Have kids: 11
 Within one week: 3
 Within one day: 1
 Oldest partner: 40
 Youngest partner: 20

Friends I would like to become sexual partners with: 10
Probably percentage of success: 30%
Most times I’ve had sex in one day:
5
Most times I’ve had sex in one day with someone other than myself: 3
STDs: 0
Number of threesomes attempted: 1
Number of threesomes successfully achieved: 0
Times I’ve paid for sex: 0
Times I almost had sex with a prostitute for free: 1

Blowjobs received: oodles
Blowjobs given: 1
Blowjobs given not to myself when I was 13: 0
Number of sex toys owned: 8

Furthest distance driven to get laid: 216 miles
Naked pics sent: immeasurable
Naked pics received: hundreds
Penis size: 6.75 in.

Times I’ve had sex on the beach: 1
Time it took to get the sand out of everything: 2 years
Times I’ve had sex in a car: 4
Times I’ve had sex on a car: 3
Times I’ve had sex in a car while driving: 1
Times I almost died at 90 miles an hour while having sex in a car while driving: 1

MISCELLANEOUS LIFE:

Type of underwear: Boxer briefs
Pairs of shoes owned: 8
Shirts owned: 40
Tropical shirts owned: 12
Pairs of underwear owned: 28
Pairs of underwear without holes owned: 28
Times I shave my head per week: 2
Times my barber shaves my head per week: 1
Favorite razor: Gillette Mach 3
Favorite razor for balls: Schick Quattro for Women

Tattoos: 0
Piercings: 0
Tattoos I plan on getting: 0
Piercings I plan on getting: 0
Bones broken: 1
Surgical procedures: 2
Nights spent in the hospital: 0
Bloody noses: 1
Days sick as an adult: <10

Age I smoked my first cigarette: 33
Age I started drinking alcohol: 33
Current drink of choice: Whipped Vodka with Blueberry Red Bull
Number of times I’ve had to explain that I don’t need a frilly pink umbrella with my drink and that I do have testicles: >50
Times I’ve passed out from drinking: 1
Times I’ve blacked out from drinking: 0
Drugs done (illicit): 1
Drugs done accidentally (illicit): 1
Drugs done (pharmaceutical): 8
Fist fights: 1
Fist fights won: 0
Fist fights averted by talking or looking mean: >50
Arrests: 0
Potential length of prison sentence if prosecuted for most illegal thing I’ve ever done: 10-12 years

Age I went to a strip club the first time: 34
Strip clubs gone to since: 6
Times offered sex for money: 1
Times I accepted: 0
Strippers I know who are amazing individuals full of strength and beauty: 10
Strippers I know who aren’t: the rest

Times I’ve worn a dress: 2
Times I liked it: 1
Times I’ve had my toenails painted: ~30
Favorite nail polish color: They’re all my favorite
Times I have to reassure people I’m not gay: Too many to count

Times I’ve answered the door naked: ~20
Times I’ve sunbathed naked: ~100
Times my neighbors have seen me naked: Not enough

Books owned: ~1800
Comic books owned: ~30,000
Times I’ve eaten at Tijuana Flats: 384

Average night’s sleep: 6 hours
Number of kids I want: 1
Times I want to get married again: 1

Potential for the next 38 years: infinite


I think this is what’s called oversharing. Happy birthday to me, now bring on the rest of my life!

Ask Me Anything - AMA

I Am Avitable: Ask Me Anything – Day Seven

Today is the last day of the AMA! Tomorrow is my actual birthday, and I’ll be doing one final recap post before the week of Avitable is over. (Oh, who are we kidding? Every week is the week of Avitable in my world!)

Let’s see what you fuckers asked this time!

Zach asked: Who is a friend of yours that would be surprised to know you have a crush on them? Or had, if you’re currently crush-free?

One of my stronger personality traits is the fact that I share (and some would say overshare) my feelings and my emotions without any filter, so I think it would be extremely unlikely that any friend I find attractive wouldn’t know how I feel. I’m not very difficult to read even if I wasn’t verbally expressing my interest. Mostly from the Snapchat dick pics.

Kar asked: What would be a perfect day?

Thanksgiving in Saint Augustine. Gotta love beaches and beautiful weather.

Wake up with the sun. Read a book on my comfortable red couch. Eat Eggs Benedict and bacon for brunch with someone who has my heart. Come home, have sex, and take a nap. Wake up, get a hot shave and massage, meet with friends for dinner. Headline a show packed with thousands of audience members who are there to see me. After the show, go home, walk outside naked under the full moon, and fly away. Because I’d have superpowers.

Carolyn asked: Please share your favorite (and most ridiculous) comedian moment so far.

I don’t know if I could choose one favorite moment and one ridiculous moment. Just the idea that I can get on stage and entertain people, and that I’m not too bad at it – that’s amazing and ridiculous all at once. And as I progress and gain more experience, each new moment becomes my new favorite.

Adam Avitable, headlining comedian

 

Krithika asked: Describe yourself in one sentence.

I am a king in my own mind who aspires to be a prince to those I love.

Alicia asked: Whose drink would you “cosby”?

Nobody’s. Ever. But if we were to try to look at it in a more innocent “Love Potion #9″ or “Funky Cold Medina” type of way, Ke$ha.

NOTICE ME AND LOVE ME, MY GLITTERY QUEEN!

Stacy asked: If you had/have a Bucket List, what song would you want playing when you do THE NUMBER ONE BUCKETY THING OF YOUR WHOLE LIFE.

I would imagine that if I was going to do something so amazing that it was the number one buckety thing, it would probably take longer than three minutes, so I think I’d need a soundtrack. For your listening pleasure:

Stacy asked: Please describe the most unpleasant “Aw HAYULL NAW” moment you’ve ever had in connection with internet dating.

I’ve never had any experiences like that. I’ve seen some profiles that made me question humanity, and I’ve been out with a few people who were a little crazy, but I have never had a seriously unpleasant moment that I can recall. The reason is probably that I’m so picky that I don’t bother talking to almost anyone.

Matt asked: Seriously, why did they ever make Zima Gold?

I think that marketing decision was made by the same person behind Crystal Pepsi, the McDLT, and the Nintendo Power Glove. Short answer: most executives are fucking idiots who move up from middle management because there’s nowhere else for them to go.

Will asked: What is your most beautiful memory (and no cop-outs like wedding days and babies being born)?

Standing on stage, basking in laughter from the audience. I’ve been married and it doesn’t even compare.

Catherine asked: What was your process and timeline for writing and publishing a book? What advice would you give to those wishing to accomplish this endeavor?

Self-publishing is one of the best options for writers. You can make more money, use social media to market yourself, and realize success in a significantly faster way.

The first suggestion is to stop worrying about publishing your book. Just write it. Write and write and write and write, and then edit and edit and edit and edit. Give yourself a daily writing goal, whether it’s 500 words or 5,000.

Only after you’ve managed to finish and you finally have a work that is worthy of being published should you think about that final step. Then decide what path to take – if you use Amazon’s self-publishing tools, prepare to have some frustration with making sure your book will look good in all formats, but once you optimize it, it’s a piece of cake after that.

Feel free to email me with any questions or if you want to talk further about it!

Brandon asked: Why does it burn (only while urinating) when I accidentally get soap in my urethra?

Because much like mixing ammonia and bleach creates mustard gas, mixing urine and soap creates a flammable super pee that is like napalm. If you get soap in your urethra and you pee in direct sunlight, you will turn into the human firepisser. And since I am a doctor, you can rest assured that absolutely none of this is true.

Cherie asked: If you could live in any other country, which one and why?

What a great final question!  I love Canada, but I think it would be too cold. I would enjoy Ireland for a little while, especially with the prevalence of pale freckled women. But then I’d get bored, and I couldn’t imagine living in England for too long because I’d max out on ASBOs (Anti-Social Behavior Orders) and probably end up in prison. I’m Italian as well as Irish, so Italy would be nice to visit, but I can’t see living there. I think it, along with so much of Europe, is about ten years behind the US, and I don’t think the US is even advanced enough. I’d be a giant in Japan, and I do speak a little Japanese, so that could be an amazing place to live, and I’ve always wanted to live in Australia because it fascinates me. There are so many countries that I’ve never visited that might have appeal to me, too. Who knows what adventures would lie in Africa, Central America, or elsewhere?

So, to answer your question of which country I’d like to live in and why, I’d have to say that I have no fucking idea. I guess I’d better start traveling and get some international exposure!

 


And that’s it! 70 questions and answers covering topics from divorce to sex to comedy to philosophy to everything else under the sun. Thank you to everyone who participated, and stay tuned tomorrow for my TMI Birthday Recap Post! Until then:

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Where Avitable lives.