Adam Avitable is a stand-up comedian

March 20th Comedy Show: Dustin Diamond . . . and me!

One of the best things about being a stand-up comedian in Orlando is that there are so many different options for performing comedy. Whether you travel outside of Orlando itself to Kissimmee, Altamonte Springs, Longwood, Winter Park, or the Milk District, or even further out like Daytona Beach, Cocoa Beach, or Melbourne, there is almost always a stage and a microphone to be found.

Sometimes it’s just about finding the right venue for comedy, and that’s what I’m looking forward to with my next big show. On Friday, March 20th, I’m working with Acme Superstore, a comic book store, to put on a fantastic comedy show. Acme recently renovated their entire location in Longwood (between Altamonte Springs and Lake Mary), and their giant “Danger Room” is a perfect room for someone who is looking for something to do on a Friday night in the Orlando area!

I have the pleasure of working with Dustin Diamond for this show. As our headliner, Dustin is flying in from Los Angeles just to perform in front of the lucky crowd at Acme Superstore. I’m producing two comedy shows that night – one at 7:30 and one at 10, just to give the Central Florida audience enough of a chance to come out and watch. It’s interesting producing a show with a controversial comedian like Dustin Diamond. People like to remember him as playing Screech from “Saved By The Bell” and I can’t blame him for taking some drastic steps in the opposite direction to distinguish himself. He’s not Screech. He’s Dustin, a separate person, and until you’ve been in his shoes as a child star who is forever typecast as a goofy, nerdy guy, how can you ever imagine what it’s actually like?

The most important thing about a comedy show is whether or not it’s funny. And this one will be. Obviously, Dustin Diamond is a well-established comic with a long background of stand-up and a track record for entertaining audiences with his stories and material. Plus, I get to feature, which is the easiest part of peforming stand-up comedy. The host has to warm up the crowd and get them ready to pay attention, and he or she takes the bullet for that. The headlining comedian has to be consistently funny enough for 45 minutes to an hour and end on enough of an upswing that audiences are happy. The feature? All you have to do is not screw up for 30 minutes!

If you live anywhere in the Orlando area, even if it’s Ocoee, Windermere, Avalon Park, or Claremont, or if you’re visiting from somewhere else and looking for a fun event or activity to do while you’re in Florida, come out to Acme Superstore on Friday, March 20th and watch stand-up comedy. The emcee for the night is one of the funniest up-and-coming comedians in Orlando right now, and if you haven’t seen Sean Finnerty, now is your chance before he makes it big and pretends like he doesn’t know any of us. Go over to BrownPaperTickets to get your tickets and I’ll see you at the show!

Comedy Show in Orlando with Dustin Diamond

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How Avitable Are You? The Most Terrifying Purity Test You’ll Ever Take

How Avitable Are You?

The Adam Avitable Purity Test

There are so many purity tests out there that subjectively decide whether you should avoid walking into churches or if you’re purer than driven snow, whatever the fuck driven snow is. There are no industry standards when it comes to purity.

So I decided to forego purity and make a test that any random human or dolphin with opposable thumbs and an Internet connection could take to find out exactly how Avitable they are. Each question has been hand-picked from my life – just check the boxes next to the nefarious deeds you’ve performed and see where you’re lacking and what needs to go on your immediate bucket list.

Warning: You can’t unlearn these things.

Are you pure or are you Avitable?

Have you ever . . .

  1. Been pulled over for speeding on at least 10 separate occasions?
  2. Stolen enough inventory from a job to stock your own store?
  3. Forged a signature?
  4. Shaved a design, number or word into any part of your body that has hair?
  5. Invaded someone’s privacy and read their email or checked their phone?
  6. Plotted a realistic and legitimate way to kill someone, even if you didn’t go through with it?
  7. Stalked someone on Facebook, Instagram, or Twitter even if you’ve never met them, just because you want to have sex with them?
  8. Cheated on an exam in college or graduate school?
  9. Ran an adult website or participated in one?
  10. Dressed as someone of the opposite gender?
  11. Taken prescription medicine illegally?
  12. Used illegal drugs?
  13. Subscribed to at least three different types of pornographic magazines?
  14. Masturbated more than five times in a day?
  15. Masturbated while someone was in the next room?
  16. Masturbated to a video picturing yourself engaged in sex with someone?
  17. Used multiple toys or devices during sex or masturbation?
  18. Enabled someone to engage in destructive behavior?
  19. Enabled someone to cheat on their significant other with you?
  20. Been the other man (or woman) on at least four separate occasions?
  21. Cheated on your significant other?
  22. Traveled to another country to have sex with someone who was married?
  23. Traveled to a conference or event just to have sex with someone who was married?
  24. Had an orgasm (or given someone an orgasm) through prostate massage?
  25. Watched someone masturbate or have sex when they didn’t know you were watching?
  26. Been a complete and utter exhibitionist?
  27. Recorded yourself having sex with a partner?
  28. Sent naked pictures and/or videos to someone else with your phone?
  29. Received naked pictures and/or videos?
  30. Posted naked pictures of yourself on the Internet publicly?
  31. Had naked photos developed at a store that you later picked up in person?
  32. Written out and sent a sexual fantasy for someone else?
  33. Left a bruise, hickey, bite, or other mark on a visible part of your partner’s body?
  34. Masturbated or had sex in a church?
  35. Had sex with at least 20 people?
  36. Had sex in a moving car while you or the other person were driving?
  37. Had sex on a public beach?
  38. Had sex with more than three people in one week?
  39. Had sex with more than two people in one day?
  40. Had sex while under the influence of drugs and/or alcohol?
  41. Taken someone’s virginity of some type – oral, anal, or otherwise?
  42. Almost died while performing oral sex due to suffocation (or choking)?
  43. Participated in a rape/choking/pain fantasy?
  44. Had sex with someone fifteen or more years younger than you?
  45. Had phone/Skype/FaceTime sex?
  46. Hooked up with at least one of your sibling’s friends?
  47. Had sex with a friend’s ex?
  48. Had a one-night stand?
  49. Had sex with at least one employee, boss, or co-worker?
  50. Had sex with at least five redheads?


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Love, death, and life: My first time presiding over a memorial service

I didn’t know Wendy as well as most of you, but I was fortunate enough to knew her nonetheless.

She touched my life just as she touched each of yours.

Wendy Delouche was a force of nature;
A fireworks display;
A flower in bloom.

Her passion for life inspired all who crossed her path, and her vibrance and personality was larger than life.

Wendy didn’t have a storybook life.
Her world was rocked with inexplicable tragedy.
She knew better than any of us how unpredictable life is.
How things can change in an instant.
How we can’t expect answers when it comes to life and death.

She could have dwelled on her tragedy and let it turn her bitter or disillusioned.

But she didn’t.
She took that tragedy and let it fuel her to experience life to the fullest extent.

Wendy lived more in a week than most people will live for their entire lifespans. She set an example for each of us.

We are not here today to mourn her.
We can’t do that.
Wendy wouldn’t allow it.
We are here to celebrate her.
Her life.
Her passion.
Her laugh.
Her smile.
Her love.

Picture a moment you shared with Wendy.
Imagine some special snapshot of your time with her that makes you smile.
Let that resonate inside of you.

Join me in a moment of silence as we reflect on someone who was bigger than life itself. Reflect not with sadness or tears, but with a smile on your face and let us celebrate her life.

Two hundred people filled the theater in downtown Winter Garden. Her surrogate family from her years in the film industry. Her genetic family, including two children, her partner, and her mother and grandmother. Friends, teachers, students – all people she touched in her too-short life. And me, the comedian slash ordained minister slash guy who had never presided over a memorial service before.

Officiating Wendy's Memorial Service

Wendy’s death leaves a void. Her genuine love and appreciation of life and the world around her made her extremely special. As I stood in the wings, listening to each memory, story, and testimonial that was shared by those who loved her, I was struck by the impact she had, and I felt comforted to know I wasn’t alone.

Waiting in the wings

Tears flowed when recounted memories brought the reality of her death into sharp focus. Laughs echoed as foibles and past adventures were briefly relived. For almost two hours, all of us in that theater were brought together by one person.

It’s nigh impossible to walk away without having a renewed appreciation for life and a desire to honor her memory. Love life, love the world, love the people around you, just . . . be love. Wendy’s mantra should be yours and mine and everyone’s.

The honor of being asked to preside over her memorial service was only shadowed by my abject fear of screwing up. It’s one thing to officiate a wedding and make a happy couple smile while respecting traditions important to them. That’s nothing compared to speaking in front of a group of people who all wish they didn’t have to be there, reflecting on death and mourning someone as vibrant, as present, and as thoroughly beautiful as Wendy M. Delouche.

I wish there hadn’t been a reason for us to be in that room today. I wish this was an elaborate joke, with Ashton Kutcher waiting in the sidelines. I wish this had been a celebration of her life with her present and participating. But I’m glad that when the moment came, I was able to be there in a way that would have made her proud.

In Memoriam of Wendy M. Delouche

I Call It Dating. You Call It Stalking.

Last minute Valentine’s Day Cards just for you

About six years ago, I developed some fantastic Valentine’s Day cards that I sent to Hallmark, but I never heard back. To hell with them! I’ll share them again for free with you – ready to just cut out and send to your loved one. Happy Valentine’s Day – I’ll be the one eating chocolate and crying in the shower.

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The WAYYYYY TMI Birthday Post – Read At Your Own Risk

Thirty-eight years ago, the world improved just a little. And today, as you read this birthday recap post that tells you more about me than any person should ever know (even if you read the similar one I did two years ago), the world gets a little worse.

It’s all about balance.

BASIC:

Birth date: January 26, 1977
Birth location: Weymouth, Massachusetts
Age of earliest memory: 2
Age I started reading: 2
Siblings: 2
Height: 6’0″
Weight: 280
Heaviest weight: 460
Goal weight: 250
Shirt size: XXL
Waist size: 46-48
Shoe size: 12W

States I’ve lived in: 5
Years in Massachusetts: 3
Years in Virginia: 4
Years in Missouri: 3
Years in California: 3
Years in Florida: 25
Years that it’s felt like I’ve lived in Florida: 100

EDUCATION:

Schools attended: 4
Degrees received: 2
Undergraduate degree: Bachelor of Arts in East Asian Studies, Washington and Lee University
Graduate degree: Juris Doctorate, Washington University School of Law
Worst high school grade received: B, History
Worst undergraduate grade received: F, Psychology
Worst undergraduate grade received: F, Labor Law
Highest GPA: 4.9/4.0
Lowest GPA: 2.6/4.0

TRAVEL:

Cars owned: 4
Age when I got my first ticket: 17
Speeding/traffic tickets received: ~48
Accidents: 1
Accidents that weren’t my fault: 1
Accidents that totaled my awesome car but resulted in me buying an even better one: 1
Flat tires: 1
Most expensive ticket: $288
Highest speed (caught): 90
Highest speed (not caught): 120
Money spent on tickets: ~$10,000
Money spent on lawyers to fight tickets: ~$5,000
People following me home because of my driving: 3
Times cops have come to my door: 2

States visited: 35
Countries visited: 3
Non American countries visited: 0
Most miles traveled one-way: 2,896 miles
Cruises taken: 2

BLOGGING/COMEDY:

Blog posts written: 2584
Years blogging in any form: 16
Books I’ve written: 1
Times I’ve been published in print: 5
Books I want to write: 3

Age when I first performed stand up comedy: 16
Age when I next performed stand up comedy: 34
Years performing stand up: 4
Longest set performed: 45 minutes
Number of paid gigs: >200
Number of unpaid gigs: >1,000
Number of cities performed in: >30
Biggest audience: ~300
Number of people who walked out: 0 (so far)

Facebook friends: >3,000
Facebook friends I don’t have any idea who the hell they are: >500
Facebook friends who are legitimate friends: ~100
Facebook friends I’m friends with because I really want to have sex with them: ~100

SEX, LOVE, AND DATING:

Age that I
 Fell in love the first time: 5
 Masturbated: 9
 Had my first real girlfriend: 13
 French kissed a girl: 13
 Touched my first naked breast: 14
 Got to third base: 16
 Lost my virginity: 21
Had good sex: 32

Longest relationship: 12 years
Shortest relationship: 3 days
Times I’ve been in love: 5
Times that’s worked out: 0

Sexual partners: 21
 Who were redheads: 7
 Blondes: 8
 Brunettes: 6
 Caucasian: 20
 American: 19
 Bloggers: 5
 Older: 7
 Younger: 14
 Midgets: 0
 Almost midgets: 2
 Married, separated or in a relationship: 9
 Have kids: 11
 Within one week: 3
 Within one day: 1
 Oldest partner: 40
 Youngest partner: 20

Friends I would like to become sexual partners with: 10
Probably percentage of success: 30%
Most times I’ve had sex in one day:
5
Most times I’ve had sex in one day with someone other than myself: 3
STDs: 0
Number of threesomes attempted: 1
Number of threesomes successfully achieved: 0
Times I’ve paid for sex: 0
Times I almost had sex with a prostitute for free: 1

Blowjobs received: oodles
Blowjobs given: 1
Blowjobs given not to myself when I was 13: 0
Number of sex toys owned: 8

Furthest distance driven to get laid: 216 miles
Naked pics sent: immeasurable
Naked pics received: hundreds
Penis size: 6.75 in.

Times I’ve had sex on the beach: 1
Time it took to get the sand out of everything: 2 years
Times I’ve had sex in a car: 4
Times I’ve had sex on a car: 3
Times I’ve had sex in a car while driving: 1
Times I almost died at 90 miles an hour while having sex in a car while driving: 1

MISCELLANEOUS LIFE:

Type of underwear: Boxer briefs
Pairs of shoes owned: 8
Shirts owned: 40
Tropical shirts owned: 12
Pairs of underwear owned: 28
Pairs of underwear without holes owned: 28
Times I shave my head per week: 2
Times my barber shaves my head per week: 1
Favorite razor: Gillette Mach 3
Favorite razor for balls: Schick Quattro for Women

Tattoos: 0
Piercings: 0
Tattoos I plan on getting: 0
Piercings I plan on getting: 0
Bones broken: 1
Surgical procedures: 2
Nights spent in the hospital: 0
Bloody noses: 1
Days sick as an adult: <10

Age I smoked my first cigarette: 33
Age I started drinking alcohol: 33
Current drink of choice: Whipped Vodka with Blueberry Red Bull
Number of times I’ve had to explain that I don’t need a frilly pink umbrella with my drink and that I do have testicles: >50
Times I’ve passed out from drinking: 1
Times I’ve blacked out from drinking: 0
Drugs done (illicit): 1
Drugs done accidentally (illicit): 1
Drugs done (pharmaceutical): 8
Fist fights: 1
Fist fights won: 0
Fist fights averted by talking or looking mean: >50
Arrests: 0
Potential length of prison sentence if prosecuted for most illegal thing I’ve ever done: 10-12 years

Age I went to a strip club the first time: 34
Strip clubs gone to since: 6
Times offered sex for money: 1
Times I accepted: 0
Strippers I know who are amazing individuals full of strength and beauty: 10
Strippers I know who aren’t: the rest

Times I’ve worn a dress: 2
Times I liked it: 1
Times I’ve had my toenails painted: ~30
Favorite nail polish color: They’re all my favorite
Times I have to reassure people I’m not gay: Too many to count

Times I’ve answered the door naked: ~20
Times I’ve sunbathed naked: ~100
Times my neighbors have seen me naked: Not enough

Books owned: ~1800
Comic books owned: ~30,000
Times I’ve eaten at Tijuana Flats: 384

Average night’s sleep: 6 hours
Number of kids I want: 1
Times I want to get married again: 1

Potential for the next 38 years: infinite


I think this is what’s called oversharing. Happy birthday to me, now bring on the rest of my life!

Where Avitable lives.