I’m so angry.

The thing is, I don’t let myself get angry anymore.

buzz buzz buzz

I haven’t lost my temper in years. Literal decades.

buzz buzz buzz

I trained myself in college to count to three, take a breath, and reassess the world. Was it really worth losing my temper? The answer was always no.

buzz buzz buzz

But this week? My safeguards have said “fuck it, we’re on vacation until people stop dying.” Grief and sadness have worn me down until I can’t feel anything except this constant buzzing. I wear it like a second skin, arcing and sparking off me, just waiting. For one last person to show a disregard for humanity, a contempt for civility, a lack of respect for me or someone I care about. That’s all it would take.

buzz buzz buzz

I realized exactly how angry I was on Thursday night, after a show, when a drunken idiot, sporting a mid-90s MTV VJ hair style and a pin-striped shirt indicating he knew how to fix air conditioners, took offense that we didn’t care for the awful joke he needed to share with us and decided to hurl invective at us. It wasn’t anything special or anything we hadn’t heard before, but I started to get mad. And when I closed my eyes for a second to count to three, instead I saw myself putting my right hand on his neck and throwing him to the ground, kneeling on his chest and driving my fists into his face until he was a sopping, bloody mess, with swollen eyes, a broken nose, a gaping open toothless maw for a mouth. I opened my eyes and dared him to say one more fucking word, which, as you’ve guessed, he didn’t.

buzz buzz buzz

I’ve been walking that edge for the last three days now. Normally, a buzzing like this precipitates an anxiety attack, and some deep breathing and mental acknowledgement of my inability to control my life will alleviate it; or, in extreme cases, I’ll just take a Klonopin and a nap. But this is different. Deep breathing just accelerates my adrenaline, and the rush of blood in my ears brings a smile to my face. I don’t even want to write about it – I want to walk around until I see someone who deserves to be hurt and I want to hurt them and just keep hurting them because it isn’t fucking fair that we’ve lost good people who should still be around and all of the shitty fucking assholes are still oozing around and i just want to feel something right now because i haven’t cried yet and i’m so fucking goddamn angry at the world and i can’t breathe because fuck you for still being here when they’re not and i know it can’t bring anyone back to smash my fist into some idiot’s face but it might bring me back to the place i need to be because i’ve lost my center.

Fuck.

I’m so angry right now.

 

Ninety Minutes of Avitable: My Storytelling Show

In January, I told you about the amazing opportunity I had in Melbourne, where the owner of Open Mike’s gave me an hour and a half to just tell stories. Like an autobiographical one-man show, this was a chance for me to branch out from comedy a little and see if I could be interesting and entertaining beyond being shocking and telling dick jokes.

You be the judge. I’ll say that the first half is rougher than the second half, because I had no idea what I was doing, but in the end, I’m proud of this as my first effort, and can’t wait for another opportunity to bring this unique show to life in another venue. Next time you have 90 minutes and want to listen to someone talk about marriage, divorce, death, affairs, love, loss, pain, depression, anxiety, happiness, and comedy, I present to you “Tales From The Avitable Camp For Wayward Women.” Thanks to John Sluder for shooting it, Mike Della Cioppa for letting me perform, and David Alan and Em Strange for performing!

The Pledge of Allegiance: A Few Footnotes

I1 pledge2 allegiance3 to the Flag4 of the United5 States6 of America7, and to the Republic8 for which it stands9, one Nation10 under God11, indivisible12, with liberty13 and justice14 for all15.

  1. I, and everyone who holds the same beliefs as me, except for the people on Facebook I told to unfriend me because I don’t want to expose myself to different opinions,
  2. Pledge, swear, promise, vow, and commit myself entirely, sometimes in psychotic and terrifyingly irrational ways,
  3. Allegiance, to the point of either deciding that means that anyone who doesn’t live here and subscribe to the same belief system must be crushed under our collective heel until they swear fealty, or taking the extreme opposite that allegiance is what Hitler would have wanted, without having the wherewithal to understand that allegiance to a country is a good thing,
  4. To the Flag, but also to other symbols that I would like to have allegiance to, like political parties, “symbols” of heritage, the dollar bill, and anything else that I decide is representative, no matter how wrong I am, unless I want to be controversial by burning it, in which case, I’m doing the exact opposite of pledging allegiance,
  5. United, but only in the sense that I would rather spit invective at people who pledge allegiance to the same flag if they live differently, believe differently, or support different political parties than I do, which I realize means it’s not really united at all but I somehow take pride in that,
  6. States, except of course for any state that I deem too liberal or conservative, based solely on my political preferences and whatever I’m mindlessly sucking down from my preferred biased teat of “information”, and I wish those states would just secede from my country and become their own country, because I am an idiot with no understanding of what actually makes our country great and powerful,
  7. America, which can mean anything from bald eagles and guns to fields of grain to a melting pot of ideologies, religions, and philosophies that is welcoming to everyone of every creed, and can even mean other countries in the same continent, but I like to pretend we’re the only one that matters, and that the only people who are truly American are those who want to do exactly what I say and believe,
  8. To the Republic, which is to say, our government elected and chosen by the people who live here, except if it’s someone I didn’t vote for, because even though that person may still be the President, I’d rather try to destroy my own country instead of remembering the allegiance I promised to it, because I’m incapable of seeing a big picture,
  9. For which it stands, except for which times it stands for something that I don’t like, even though tolerance and freedom to be different is exactly and precisely what it stands for, so I’m hypocritical in every sense of the word,
  10. One Nation, except for the Muslims and the blacks and the hispanics and the rednecks and the conservatives and the liberals and the hippies and the women and the children and the Jews and the Catholics and the Christians and all of the other groups into which I have decided I would like to splinter my fellow Americans,
  11. Under God, but only my god and not your god and god forbid if you don’t believe in god or don’t know what you believe, and ignoring the fact that this phrase was slowly incorporated into the pledge until it was amended officially by Congress barely sixty years ago, and never mind that even if you are someone who believes something different, if I was a good believer, I’d still love you as is,
  12. Indivisible, and you’d think that maybe I would understand by now how much our country depends on us being one voice made up of every different race, religion, gender, creed, affirmation, and identity, because that’s the only way we can be truly great, but divisiveness, directly contrary to the spirit of my country, is all that I can support,
  13. Liberty, which I like to take to mean that I’m free to speak my mind, but others who say something opposing need to leave, and even though liberty is freedom from restrictions imposed by authority on one’s life, behavior, or political views, I don’t want people to be free to do what they want unless they’re my people,
  14. Justice, but pretending that justice isn’t blind like it’s supposed to be, so I can fail to comprehend that not everything is cut and dry, and that saying black lives matter doesn’t mean that other lives don’t, but also not all cops are thugs, and sometimes the biggest criminals are the people behind the people to whom we’re pledging our fealty,
  15. For All, but not really, just for the few I’ve decided are good enough to be considered American, even if that means that the diversity of ideas, philosophies, religions, and experiences that made America great goes away and I’m just left with the people with whom I agree, because I’m too stupid to understand that when that becomes the case, we’ll just all find more reasons to split into smaller and smaller groups, constantly looking at our differences rather than the things that should bring us together.

American Flag

To My Single Friends

Hey, I’m so happy to see you!

Yeah, you.

Man, you have a great smile. Like, it’s not just a smile. It reaches your eyes and just makes me feel warm. It’s so real and genuine.

And I love how much you care. You have such a huge heart, and it shows every time you tear up watching your favorite movies.

You’ve been hurt, just like all of us, but you don’t let it make you bitter. You know that we’re all human and we’re all flawed, and you just tell yourself “It’s fine” and move on with your life. You build walls to protect yourself, but you don’t let that keep you from loving others. That’s amazing.

Sometimes you just want to escape from social media because it can get a little painful. Why are some of these people finding someone who makes them happy but you, someone who tries so hard to be a beautiful person inside and out, can’t? It feels better to just shut it down for a while and pretend that the rest of the world isn’t happy.

Here’s the thing, though, and you already know this, deep down. Happiness can’t be reliant on having someone by your side. You have to be happy on your own. The happiest you can ever be is when you’re content with your own life and fully capable of saying no to the wrong people because you don’t want to settle for something less than you deserve.

Maybe you’re whole on your own. And maybe you’ll find someone equally whole when it’s supposed to happen, and you’ll both be happy forever. Or maybe you won’t. But if you’re whole – if you’re truly whole – you’ll be okay.

People in relationships aren’t always happy. Far from it – even the best relationships have moments where one or the other will miss someone else or some past aspect of their life. And that’s how it is with single life, too. Plenty of happy moments punctuated by the times when you miss someone by your side, someone to lay with you, someone who’s always there. But then there are those great moments when you have the bed to yourself, when you can do what you want without considering anyone except yourself, and when you can lay in bed for two days without showering, watching TV, just because that’s the place you’re in right now.

Be you.

Be the unapologetic, amazing, considerate, overthinking, anxious, happy, depressed, gorgeous, passionate, wonderful you that you deserve.

Be that tremendous soul and beautiful spirit that I see every time I look at you.

Love yourself like I love you. Like everyone who knows you loves you. And have a happy Valentine’s Day.


This is part of a series in which I will attempt to write something every single day of 2016. Will I be able to do it? Nope – I’ve already failed! But I’m writing at least once a week, so keep up to date on new posts by subscribing below:

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How Hollywood’s Favorite Juice Bar Owner Really Eats Every Day

Elle.com posted this article last year about Amanda Chantal Bacon, founder and owner of the popular Los Angeles juice bar Moon Juice, and her exotic diet. In the interest of journalistic integrity, I talked to her again, nine months later, so see if her diet has changed.

Her original diet, in italics, will be followed by her updated diet today.

Upon Waking: Photo courtesy of Elle

Original: “I usually wake up at 6:30am, and start with some Kundalini meditation and a 23-minute breath set—along with a copper cup of silver needle and calendula tea—before my son Rohan wakes.”

Today: “When the alarm goes off at 6:30am, I have another one set for 6:33, and then 6:38, and then finally I wake up at 7:30am, scream ‘HOLY SHIT ROHAN YOU’RE GOING TO BE LATE’ and grab a Pop Tart as we run out the door.”

Pre-Breakfast. Photo courtesy of Elle

Original: “At 8am, I had a warm, morning chi drink on my way to the school drop off, drunk in the car! It contains more than 25 grams of plant protein, thanks to vanilla mushroom protein and stone ground almond butter, and also has the super endocrine, brain, immunity, and libido- boosting powers of Brain Dust, cordyceps, reishi, maca, and Shilajit resin. I throw ho shou wu and pearl in as part of my beauty regime. I chase it with three quinton shots for mineralization and two lipospheric vitamin B-complex packets for energy.”

Today: “I’m going ninety down the wrong way on a one-way street, and I gulp down the remnants of Rohan’s juice box, which was mostly drunk in the car. It has like a jillion calories and tastes like pure sugar. I chase that with a stale package of crackers that I found under the seat looking for Rohan’s fucking shoe which he managed to lose between getting in the car and being put in his carseat. I hork down six kids’ gummy vitamins for energy and whatever too.”

Breakfast. Photo courtesy of Elle

Original: “At 9:30am, I drink 16 ounces of unsweetened, strong green juice, which is my alkalizer, hydrator, energizer, source of protein and calcium, and overall mood balancer. It’s also my easy, ‘lazy,’ and delicious skin regime. I also take three tablespoons of bee pollen. I love Moon Juice’s soft and chewy bee pollen—it’s a creamy, candy-like treat that gives me my daily B-vitamin blast, and also helps feed my skin and aids hormone production. I’ll also grab a handful of activated cashews. I try to get these in every day for their brain chemistry magic. I chase this with a shot of pressed turmeric root in freshly squeezed grapefruit juice.”

Today: “At 9:30am, I drink 16 ounces of whatever Starbucks’ seasonal drink is, providing the mood balancing I need to not rip everyone’s heads off. I used to take three tablespoons of bee pollen, but now I just chug a little honey from one of those honey bears, and then I grab a handful of chocolate-covered Teddy Grahams. I try to eat a few each day just because I love biting their fucking heads off and pretending they’re real.”

Lunch photo courtesy Elle

Original: “For lunch, I had zucchini ribbons with basil, pine nuts, sun-cured olives, and lemon, with green tea on the side. This is such an easy, elegant, and light meal. I made this while on a phone meeting before heading out for the rest of the work day. I often alternate this with my other lunch staple: a nori roll with umeboshi paste, avocado, cultured sea vegetables, and pea sprouts. This is my version of a taco, and it’s insanely delicious. These ingredients are all pantry staples, so I eat some version of this everyday. It’s probiotic-rich with the cultured veggies, and deeply mineralizing thanks to the sea vegetables, and the avocado nourishes the brain and hormones. It’s awesomely satiating and takes 45 seconds to compile. I usually make this while standing, working with someone, simultaneously emailing and definitely texting. I know the right answer would be to sit down and take 10 minutes to eat, but that doesn’t happen for lunch, ever.”

Today: “For lunch, I eat a salad that I made while on the phone at home, so basically it just ended up being celery and Ranch dressing. Sometimes, though, I’ll alternate this with one of Rohan’s Lunchables, because I didn’t have time to make anything. It’s awesomely sodium-packed and I can demolish one in about 45 seconds, usually while standing, working with someone, emailing, texting, and spitting parts of it at the person I’m talking to. I usually also reconsider why I named my son Rohan.”

Snack. Photo courtesy of Elle

Original: “If I’m home around 3pm, I always reach for coconut yogurt with cardamom, dried figs, walnuts, and apricots from a weekend farm visit—and a chunk of raw dark chocolate. I ferment big batches of coconut yogurt and make big batches of raw chocolate spiked with maca and any other medicinal herb I’m focusing on. It’s easy to do, and makes for potent, fast snack food throughout the month.”

Today: “If I’m home around 3pm, I’m usually fucking starving. All of the good food is gone – goddamnit, Rohan – so I curse his name while I search for something with a little boost to wake me up. I can usually find some chocolate left over from Halloween that I put up high enough that Rohan can’t reach. I’M STILL IN CHARGE ROHAN!”

Snack 2. Photo courtesy of Elle

Original: “Today I also called into Moon Juice and got some ‘drive through.’ Work doesn’t keep me in the shop like it used to. Sadly I’m always on the go and running late, so I usually call in a mid-workday curbside pick-up. I grabbed a mint chip hemp milk with double servings of maca and sprouted brown rice protein, sweetened with stevia, as well as two Goodness Greens juices.”

Today: “I’m so fucking sick of juice – why did I open that stupid juice bar? I usually just get a milkshake at Chick fil-A and chug it before my employees see me.”

Dinner. Photo courtesy Elle

Original: “I had an early, pre-yoga dinner at Shima in Abbot Kinney, which is my 3-year-old’s favorite restaurant. I had a seaweed salad with micro cilantro and daikon, and a delicate broth of mushrooms and herbs.”

Today: “I snagged two of Rohan’s chicken nuggets at McDonald’s, his favorite restaurant, before that fucker could eat all of them. That should tide me over through yoga.”

Fitness. Photo courtesy Elle

Original: “From 7 to 9pm, I went to my Kundalini yoga class at Rama Yoga in Venice, with my go-to teacher, Harijiwan.”

Today: “Went in to drop Rohan off at home with the nanny and made the mistake of sitting on the bed for a second. Fell asleep and missed yoga. Fuck.”

Dessert. Photo courtesy Elle

Original: “My son and I make a batch of almond milk and vanilla chia pudding for the next morning at bedtime. We like to have cups of it before it’s totally done, when it’s more like chia milk.”

Today: “I change the clocks in the house and tell Rohan it’s time for bed an hour earlier than normal, and then I drink a bottle of wine.

Before Bed. Photo courtesy Elle

Original: “At 11pm, I had a nightcap of heart tonic and raw chocolate made from one of my big batches—this one was made with our Moon Pantry heirloom raw cacao, reishi and Chaga mushroom, sprouted brown rice protein, and coconut oil. I love chocolate—and on some evenings, I don’t want to deny the indulgence—so I’ve devised a million low glycemic recipes.”

Today: “If the wine doesn’t put me to sleep, I’ll usually chase it with an Ambien and a Klonopin. That makes me hungry, though, so I’ll indulge with some of those generic cheese-coated balls that come in that giant plastic jar that I throw at Rohan to get him to give me some fucking peace. It’s worth it to wake up coated in orange dust.”

Original article by Victoria Dawson Hoff. Photos taken without permission from Elle. This is a parody. Duh.


This is part of a series in which I will attempt to write something every single day of 2016. Will I be able to do it? You’ll only know if you subscribe using the form below!

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Where Avitable lives.