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The WAYYYYY TMI Birthday Post – Read At Your Own Risk

Thirty-eight years ago, the world improved just a little. And today, as you read this birthday recap post that tells you more about me than any person should ever know (even if you read the similar one I did two years ago), the world gets a little worse.

It’s all about balance.

BASIC:

Birth date: January 26, 1977
Birth location: Weymouth, Massachusetts
Age of earliest memory: 2
Age I started reading: 2
Siblings: 2
Height: 6’0″
Weight: 280
Heaviest weight: 460
Goal weight: 250
Shirt size: XXL
Waist size: 46-48
Shoe size: 12W

States I’ve lived in: 5
Years in Massachusetts: 3
Years in Virginia: 4
Years in Missouri: 3
Years in California: 3
Years in Florida: 25
Years that it’s felt like I’ve lived in Florida: 100

EDUCATION:

Schools attended: 4
Degrees received: 2
Undergraduate degree: Bachelor of Arts in East Asian Studies, Washington and Lee University
Graduate degree: Juris Doctorate, Washington University School of Law
Worst high school grade received: B, History
Worst undergraduate grade received: F, Psychology
Worst undergraduate grade received: F, Labor Law
Highest GPA: 4.9/4.0
Lowest GPA: 2.6/4.0

TRAVEL:

Cars owned: 4
Age when I got my first ticket: 17
Speeding/traffic tickets received: ~48
Accidents: 1
Accidents that weren’t my fault: 1
Accidents that totaled my awesome car but resulted in me buying an even better one: 1
Flat tires: 1
Most expensive ticket: $288
Highest speed (caught): 90
Highest speed (not caught): 120
Money spent on tickets: ~$10,000
Money spent on lawyers to fight tickets: ~$5,000
People following me home because of my driving: 3
Times cops have come to my door: 2

States visited: 35
Countries visited: 3
Non American countries visited: 0
Most miles traveled one-way: 2,896 miles
Cruises taken: 2

BLOGGING/COMEDY:

Blog posts written: 2584
Years blogging in any form: 16
Books I’ve written: 1
Times I’ve been published in print: 5
Books I want to write: 3

Age when I first performed stand up comedy: 16
Age when I next performed stand up comedy: 34
Years performing stand up: 4
Longest set performed: 45 minutes
Number of paid gigs: >200
Number of unpaid gigs: >1,000
Number of cities performed in: >30
Biggest audience: ~300
Number of people who walked out: 0 (so far)

Facebook friends: >3,000
Facebook friends I don’t have any idea who the hell they are: >500
Facebook friends who are legitimate friends: ~100
Facebook friends I’m friends with because I really want to have sex with them: ~100

SEX, LOVE, AND DATING:

Age that I
 Fell in love the first time: 5
 Masturbated: 9
 Had my first real girlfriend: 13
 French kissed a girl: 13
 Touched my first naked breast: 14
 Got to third base: 16
 Lost my virginity: 21
Had good sex: 32

Longest relationship: 12 years
Shortest relationship: 3 days
Times I’ve been in love: 5
Times that’s worked out: 0

Sexual partners: 21
 Who were redheads: 7
 Blondes: 8
 Brunettes: 6
 Caucasian: 20
 American: 19
 Bloggers: 5
 Older: 7
 Younger: 14
 Midgets: 0
 Almost midgets: 2
 Married, separated or in a relationship: 9
 Have kids: 11
 Within one week: 3
 Within one day: 1
 Oldest partner: 40
 Youngest partner: 20

Friends I would like to become sexual partners with: 10
Probably percentage of success: 30%
Most times I’ve had sex in one day:
5
Most times I’ve had sex in one day with someone other than myself: 3
STDs: 0
Number of threesomes attempted: 1
Number of threesomes successfully achieved: 0
Times I’ve paid for sex: 0
Times I almost had sex with a prostitute for free: 1

Blowjobs received: oodles
Blowjobs given: 1
Blowjobs given not to myself when I was 13: 0
Number of sex toys owned: 8

Furthest distance driven to get laid: 216 miles
Naked pics sent: immeasurable
Naked pics received: hundreds
Penis size: 6.75 in.

Times I’ve had sex on the beach: 1
Time it took to get the sand out of everything: 2 years
Times I’ve had sex in a car: 4
Times I’ve had sex on a car: 3
Times I’ve had sex in a car while driving: 1
Times I almost died at 90 miles an hour while having sex in a car while driving: 1

MISCELLANEOUS LIFE:

Type of underwear: Boxer briefs
Pairs of shoes owned: 8
Shirts owned: 40
Tropical shirts owned: 12
Pairs of underwear owned: 28
Pairs of underwear without holes owned: 28
Times I shave my head per week: 2
Times my barber shaves my head per week: 1
Favorite razor: Gillette Mach 3
Favorite razor for balls: Schick Quattro for Women

Tattoos: 0
Piercings: 0
Tattoos I plan on getting: 0
Piercings I plan on getting: 0
Bones broken: 1
Surgical procedures: 2
Nights spent in the hospital: 0
Bloody noses: 1
Days sick as an adult: <10

Age I smoked my first cigarette: 33
Age I started drinking alcohol: 33
Current drink of choice: Whipped Vodka with Blueberry Red Bull
Number of times I’ve had to explain that I don’t need a frilly pink umbrella with my drink and that I do have testicles: >50
Times I’ve passed out from drinking: 1
Times I’ve blacked out from drinking: 0
Drugs done (illicit): 1
Drugs done accidentally (illicit): 1
Drugs done (pharmaceutical): 8
Fist fights: 1
Fist fights won: 0
Fist fights averted by talking or looking mean: >50
Arrests: 0
Potential length of prison sentence if prosecuted for most illegal thing I’ve ever done: 10-12 years

Age I went to a strip club the first time: 34
Strip clubs gone to since: 6
Times offered sex for money: 1
Times I accepted: 0
Strippers I know who are amazing individuals full of strength and beauty: 10
Strippers I know who aren’t: the rest

Times I’ve worn a dress: 2
Times I liked it: 1
Times I’ve had my toenails painted: ~30
Favorite nail polish color: They’re all my favorite
Times I have to reassure people I’m not gay: Too many to count

Times I’ve answered the door naked: ~20
Times I’ve sunbathed naked: ~100
Times my neighbors have seen me naked: Not enough

Books owned: ~1800
Comic books owned: ~30,000
Times I’ve eaten at Tijuana Flats: 384

Average night’s sleep: 6 hours
Number of kids I want: 1
Times I want to get married again: 1

Potential for the next 38 years: infinite


I think this is what’s called oversharing. Happy birthday to me, now bring on the rest of my life!

Ask Me Anything - AMA

I Am Avitable: Ask Me Anything – Day Seven

Today is the last day of the AMA! Tomorrow is my actual birthday, and I’ll be doing one final recap post before the week of Avitable is over. (Oh, who are we kidding? Every week is the week of Avitable in my world!)

Let’s see what you fuckers asked this time!

Zach asked: Who is a friend of yours that would be surprised to know you have a crush on them? Or had, if you’re currently crush-free?

One of my stronger personality traits is the fact that I share (and some would say overshare) my feelings and my emotions without any filter, so I think it would be extremely unlikely that any friend I find attractive wouldn’t know how I feel. I’m not very difficult to read even if I wasn’t verbally expressing my interest. Mostly from the Snapchat dick pics.

Kar asked: What would be a perfect day?

Thanksgiving in Saint Augustine. Gotta love beaches and beautiful weather.

Wake up with the sun. Read a book on my comfortable red couch. Eat Eggs Benedict and bacon for brunch with someone who has my heart. Come home, have sex, and take a nap. Wake up, get a hot shave and massage, meet with friends for dinner. Headline a show packed with thousands of audience members who are there to see me. After the show, go home, walk outside naked under the full moon, and fly away. Because I’d have superpowers.

Carolyn asked: Please share your favorite (and most ridiculous) comedian moment so far.

I don’t know if I could choose one favorite moment and one ridiculous moment. Just the idea that I can get on stage and entertain people, and that I’m not too bad at it – that’s amazing and ridiculous all at once. And as I progress and gain more experience, each new moment becomes my new favorite.

Adam Avitable, headlining comedian

 

Krithika asked: Describe yourself in one sentence.

I am a king in my own mind who aspires to be a prince to those I love.

Alicia asked: Whose drink would you “cosby”?

Nobody’s. Ever. But if we were to try to look at it in a more innocent “Love Potion #9″ or “Funky Cold Medina” type of way, Ke$ha.

NOTICE ME AND LOVE ME, MY GLITTERY QUEEN!

Stacy asked: If you had/have a Bucket List, what song would you want playing when you do THE NUMBER ONE BUCKETY THING OF YOUR WHOLE LIFE.

I would imagine that if I was going to do something so amazing that it was the number one buckety thing, it would probably take longer than three minutes, so I think I’d need a soundtrack. For your listening pleasure:

Stacy asked: Please describe the most unpleasant “Aw HAYULL NAW” moment you’ve ever had in connection with internet dating.

I’ve never had any experiences like that. I’ve seen some profiles that made me question humanity, and I’ve been out with a few people who were a little crazy, but I have never had a seriously unpleasant moment that I can recall. The reason is probably that I’m so picky that I don’t bother talking to almost anyone.

Matt asked: Seriously, why did they ever make Zima Gold?

I think that marketing decision was made by the same person behind Crystal Pepsi, the McDLT, and the Nintendo Power Glove. Short answer: most executives are fucking idiots who move up from middle management because there’s nowhere else for them to go.

Will asked: What is your most beautiful memory (and no cop-outs like wedding days and babies being born)?

Standing on stage, basking in laughter from the audience. I’ve been married and it doesn’t even compare.

Catherine asked: What was your process and timeline for writing and publishing a book? What advice would you give to those wishing to accomplish this endeavor?

Self-publishing is one of the best options for writers. You can make more money, use social media to market yourself, and realize success in a significantly faster way.

The first suggestion is to stop worrying about publishing your book. Just write it. Write and write and write and write, and then edit and edit and edit and edit. Give yourself a daily writing goal, whether it’s 500 words or 5,000.

Only after you’ve managed to finish and you finally have a work that is worthy of being published should you think about that final step. Then decide what path to take – if you use Amazon’s self-publishing tools, prepare to have some frustration with making sure your book will look good in all formats, but once you optimize it, it’s a piece of cake after that.

Feel free to email me with any questions or if you want to talk further about it!

Brandon asked: Why does it burn (only while urinating) when I accidentally get soap in my urethra?

Because much like mixing ammonia and bleach creates mustard gas, mixing urine and soap creates a flammable super pee that is like napalm. If you get soap in your urethra and you pee in direct sunlight, you will turn into the human firepisser. And since I am a doctor, you can rest assured that absolutely none of this is true.

Cherie asked: If you could live in any other country, which one and why?

What a great final question!  I love Canada, but I think it would be too cold. I would enjoy Ireland for a little while, especially with the prevalence of pale freckled women. But then I’d get bored, and I couldn’t imagine living in England for too long because I’d max out on ASBOs (Anti-Social Behavior Orders) and probably end up in prison. I’m Italian as well as Irish, so Italy would be nice to visit, but I can’t see living there. I think it, along with so much of Europe, is about ten years behind the US, and I don’t think the US is even advanced enough. I’d be a giant in Japan, and I do speak a little Japanese, so that could be an amazing place to live, and I’ve always wanted to live in Australia because it fascinates me. There are so many countries that I’ve never visited that might have appeal to me, too. Who knows what adventures would lie in Africa, Central America, or elsewhere?

So, to answer your question of which country I’d like to live in and why, I’d have to say that I have no fucking idea. I guess I’d better start traveling and get some international exposure!

 


And that’s it! 70 questions and answers covering topics from divorce to sex to comedy to philosophy to everything else under the sun. Thank you to everyone who participated, and stay tuned tomorrow for my TMI Birthday Recap Post! Until then:

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Ask Me Anything - AMA

I Am Avitable: Ask Me Anything – Day Six

It’s Saturday and tonight I’ll be celebrating my birthday at the Avitable Camp for Wayward Women. If you have my address, which you should, since it’s public, come on by and say hi. Bring booze or bacon or boobs.

Now, let’s move on to part six of my birthday week AMA:

Shelby asked: How often do you trim your toenails?

I get regular pedicures and let tiny Asian women trim them for me. If I don’t have time for a pedi, I’ll usually trim them myself when they start getting caught on my socks.

Christmas pedicure

Christmas pedicure, 2011

I don’t get them painted anymore, but for several years, I would get my toenails painted each time. It was something I liked doing to fuck with uptight and closeminded people who want to fit every type of person into an easy to conform box.

Rose asked: What is your most ridiculous sex story of all time?

I brought a girl home after a second or third date. We decided to play a game of “Sit on my face and I’ll guess your weight” and it was her turn.

She was a little bit larger than my typical date, but she hoisted herself up and planted herself down and I went to work, starting with the alphabet.

She began to truly enjoy herself, and at some point decided to stop holding in her stomach. Apparently she had been sucking it in for this entire night, and decided to unfurl it at a very inopportune time.

Her belly covered and blocked my nose, instantly cutting off my airflow, as my mouth was not anywhere near an oxygen source. I tried to move, but her knees were firmly pinning my shoulders down, so I tried shaking her off.

She thought I was just really getting into it and began to writhe on top of my face, grabbing my head with her hands and verbally expressing her enjoyment. I just slowly began to die from the lack of oxygen and my life began flashing before my eyes.

Finally, with the last vestiges of my strength, I flung my shoulder into the air, knocking her completely off the bed and giving me access to that sweet, precious air.

And that’s why I usually have a preference for the more petite girl.

Hans asked: Let’s say you’re at Lowes. And your four year old says “Daddy I tootsie pooped”. Compare and contrast your emotions and reactions. Do you explain to him what “commando” means? Illustrate your game plan for getting home.

Well, first of all, I’d never be at Lowes. And secondly, I would just turn to the au pair and say “You got this? Yeah, you got this.” And then I’d walk outside and eat one of those awesome sausages they sell outside of every Lowes and Home Depot.

Mitchell asked: I didn’t know you were a lawyer. So am I. There are a few of us in Stand Up Comedy I have noticed. What kind of law did you practice and for how long? How has practicing law impacted your comedy career?

I never practiced. Halfway through law school I decided it wasn’t worth it, but I still went through the effort of getting the degree, and I’m glad I did. The way I learned to think in law school has helped me tremendously in all of my creative endeavors.

Winter asked: What would you do if you only had 6 months to live?

I would kill everyone on my “People To Kill If You Only Have Six Months To Live” list. Then, I would take all of my cash, go to Vegas, and put it all on black. After that, when I didn’t have any money and everyone who deserved to die was dead, I would write an amazing novel that would forever define my legacy.

Stacy asked: What outfit would you wear to meet Jesus? What outfit would you wear to meet the BABY Jesus? If they’re different, why? Please show your work.

In both scenarios, I would dress like a clown just to see if Jesus had coulrophobia.

Scary Clown Costume and Makeup

Although if I meet baby Jesus dressed like this and scare him and then later meet grown up Jesus and he does have a phobia of clowns, then it would probably be my fault and I’d probably tear a hole in the time-space continuum or some shit.

Michelle asked: I know you’re all edgy ‘n’ shit, but I notice you’ve eliminated the penis from your cartoon selfie, if you ever use it at all. Why? If you claim to be “growing up”, I’m leaving.

The decision to remove the penis was in part because I decided to make my cartoons more family friendly and in part because the cartoon itself evolved and it just didn’t work nearly as well.

The evolution of cartoon Avitable

Rose asked: Are there any hangups from your divorce that nag at you still? Any regrets?

The biggest regret I have is that I hurt the people I hurt instead of telling my ex-wife I was unhappy as soon as I knew I was. There aren’t any vestiges from the divorce that bother me – I am happier and more fulfilled, and it was the right choice for me.

Joshua asked: What is your least favorite part of America?

Do you mean America the country or America the way of life? If it’s the former, I despise the deep south. If it’s the latter, I despise the deep south.

Also, I hate that we’ve gotten away from the fact that our freedom of speech and religion should mean that we tolerate all speech and religion, but instead it becomes a way to oppress and spew hatred.

It’s sad to me that people can be against their fellow human beings having equal rights and against ways to narrow the massive income gap between the poor and wealthy in this country. Regardless of the rest of the beliefs someone shares, how could one choose the path that treats any person as a lesser human being?

Ann asked: What advice would you have given yourself just starting out with the knowledge you’ve gained thus far in comedy?

A decent bit can become a great bit by working on your timing, word choice, and consistency in tone and demeanor.

 


I’ll be answering the rest of the questions tomorrow and then doing a special post on my actual birthday, January 26th. Until then:

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Ask Me Anything - AMA

I Am Avitable: Ask Me Anything – Day Five

This is the most consistently I’ve written on my blog in about two years, so I’d like to thank everyone who took the time to ask questions. It made me realize how much I love writing on here, and hopefully I can keep it up after this little series is done.

Let’s keep going with day five of the AAAAMA – All Adam Avitable Ask Me Anything!

Autumn asked: Ok my love….. I have known you and been your friend for many years now and I have seen you go through a lot of growing and changing. What is, for you, the most impactful, philosophical change you have had in your mind and heart over the past ten years? #shitjustgotdeep

I think a lot of that was explored in one of the hardest posts I have ever written about four years ago. Go read it. I’ll wait.

Done? Great. For me, the biggest shift was realizing that I didn’t need to put up a facade and I didn’t need to lie to anyone. I could be flawed and not only would people still love me, but they’d actually love me more. I was able to dispense with this persona I had online and just be me. It freed me up to talk about things that most people won’t, and I’ve never been in a healthier place, psychologically and emotionally. Physically – well, I eat bacon four days a week, so I’ll let you figure that one out.

Bonnie asked: Remember the knife holder you had where it looked like a guy had knives going through him? I think it was red. Who got custody of that in the divorce?

"The Ex" Knife Holder

Rose asked: If you could acquire any knowledge instantly – through osmosis or some kind of upload to the brain – what would be your top three priorities to learn??

  1. Computer programming and hacking skills well beyond my amateur capabilities that would give me access to and entire world of information otherwise unavailable.
  2. Every language in the world, dead or otherwise.
  3. Statistical information on all human beings, providing me with the ability to have Sherlockian deductive abilities.

Honorable Mention: Ninja skills.

Zach asked: What’s your social security number?

867-53-0909

Shelby asked: What is your secret guilty pleasure?

I don’t have any secret guilty pleasures. I am proud of all of my indulgences. However, if I was going to choose one that probably results in me being mocked, I would choose the TV show Gilmore Girls. Each episode is filled with lightning-fast dialogue and a sarcastic, irreverent tone that I love. I own the box set, I’ve watched it several times, and I unabashedly declare my love for that show.

Stacy asked: What is the most unpleasant thing you’ve ever done sexually and would never do again because it’s just not your thing?

Have sex with my ex-wife. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Okay, seriously. I haven’t had any experiences that were so unpleasant that I wouldn’t do them again. That’s not to say that they’ve been vanilla sexual experiences, but the ones that have ventured into exciting territory have been fun as well.

I’m not into pain, though, and while it’s nice having fingernails in your back, when they actually scratch you and make you bleed, I don’t enjoy that. And I find it extremely difficult to hurt someone else, even if that’s what they want, because I’m terrified of my own strength. Light slapping and choking, sure. Until you almost pass out, though? I’m just not comfortable with the possible repercussions of that.

Anonymous asked: Which model of flesh light do you recommend? Which penis pump? And how you feel about the hot/cold lubes?

About six years ago, I did some product reviews for a sex toy website. The blowjob imitator video is below. It was an interesting product and I did actually test it out for real. After the novelty wears off, it’s not worth it. I’ve never found any type of masturbatory device to be useful, and that’s after decades of masturbation. Nothing beats a hand.

They should call it a blowfun! from Adam Avitable on Vimeo.

Brad asked: Do you think you will ever get over being in love with me?

Not as long as you keep sending me those naked photos of you covered in bacon and mayo.

Ben asked: What would be your dream job?

I would like to have the resources to be able to come up ideas and concepts and hire teams to work on those concepts. Just innovate and create and then pick the projects I want to work on personally. I come up with so many ideas for ventures but don’t have the time or staff to implement more than a percentage of them.

I yearn to create as much as I can, and I want the freedom to do that.

Is that a job? Or is that just a thing that I’ve imagined?

I’d also like to be an international assassin. That would be fun.


I’m having a blast with these! Can’t wait until tomorrow’s post – see you then. In the meantime:

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Ask Me Anything - AMA

I Am Avitable: Ask Me Anything – Day Four

Almost thirty questions answered, and almost forty left to go! Tonight and tomorrow night, I’ll be standing on a stage in Cocoa Beach, performing thirty minutes of material and talking about all of the things in life that I’ve thought of to make my audience laugh. Right now, though, is all about you, my beautiful reader:

Winter asked: What’s your main goal to accomplish before you die?

I have a constantly growing list of goals that are all important. I want to write a novel. I want to write a mystery series. I want to write a television series. I want to be on television. I want to be a household name. I want to write better than everyone else in the world. I want to create. I want to have more followers and fans than talentless hacks who are famous for all of the worst reasons. I want to go to the Oscars. I want to win an Oscar. I want to find someone who will support my goals and be independently wealthy. I want to be a vampire and live forever so I have the time to do all of these things.

Regan asked: Why did the chicken actually cross the road?

Across the road, a Trader Joe’s just opened up.

Shelby asked: What is your biggest motivation to stay true to yourself no matter what others may say or do?

I’m a walking contradiction. On one hand, I’ve said before that I don’t really have a sense of self except as reflected in the eyes of my audience. But at the same time, I stick to the tenets of being open and honest, not judging others, and trying to be there for those who are in need. It feels good to do those things, so I know they’re the right thing to do.

So, I don’t listen to what anyone else says, but I identify with how I see myself actually reflected in their eyes. If I want to be true to myself, I have to make sure that reflection is an accurate one.

Kella asked: Who inspired you to become a comedian? Or how did you get into comedy?

I have always loved comedy. From listening to Bill Cosby records as a kid to reading MAD Magazine, making people laugh is an amazing trait, and a skill that I have been fortunate enough to be blessed with. In high school, I entered a talent contest and came in second place with a stand-up routine, and writing humor on Avitable.com since 1998 just seemed natural.

The Improv Orlando

The Orlando Improv

I got into stand-up consistently thanks to a girl I dated. We went to the Orlando Improv to watch a comedian and they had a flyer talking about a comedy class. She found all the information about the class and encouraged me to attend, so I did, and once I learned the basic mechanics of being on stage and not looking like a complete idiot, I never looked back.

And now I can’t imagine a life without doing it.

Rebekah asked: Scenario: You’ve died and discovered that everything in the Bible is 100% accurate. God asks you why you didn’t follow his commandments. What is your answer?

As in the ten commandments? Or will he be asking me why I shaved my beard and ate shellfish too? Because if we’re going with the scenario that everything in the Bible was 100% accurate, there are plenty of rules that are laid out that I don’t think anybody has followed anymore. Unless you’ve heard about any recent stonings of virgins, that is.

If we go with the idea that most of the “rules” in the Bible are simple parables designed to illustrate lessons to be learned, and the only commandments are the ten commandments, then I’d tell him that I’ve never had any other gods, never made a graven image of God, honored my parents, never killed anyone, haven’t stolen anything in decades, I don’t lie or covet anything, so I’m pretty much seven for ten, which I would posit is probably better than most people who consider themselves Christians.

Now, if I was asking the question you asked, instead of talking about commandments, I would have talked about the more important aspect of religion. The reason that the Bible gives for Jesus dying on the cross was to save all of us because each of us is a sinner. None of us is without sin.

So, in my opinion, God woldn’t care about following the commandments. He would be more concerned with why I didn’t accept Christ as my savior. And to that, I would answer that I have faith in humanity and could never believe that the majority of the world’s population, made up of Muslims, Buddhists, Hinduists, and other religions, are all wrong and that heaven is some douchey exclusionary nightclub that only lets the right people, (who are mostly white), in.

And then I’d explain that since so many religions do have the same basic tenets and stories that it makes much more sense that they’re all true in their own ways. That God or whatever you want to call it, if it exists, is so beyond our human understanding that the only way to make it palatable for our pathetic minds would be to distill it through the flawed words of men, split into many different cultures and many different stories that all share the same theme: Be good to one another.

And then God would say “Dude, you win!” And it would be like in Charlie and the Chocolate Factory, and I’d get to take a big glass elevator up to the real heaven for people who could see all organized religion for the shams that they are.

Joshua asked: Do you collect anything?

Souls.

Also, comic books.

Adam Avitable has 25,000 comic books

Joshua asked: Were you your own lawyer in the divorce case? Can you be my lawyer?

We did our divorce together because we were both lawyers, but I’m not a practicing attorney. I never wanted to actually practice. So no, I cannot be your lawyer, but I can dispense completely unreliable legal advice to you at any time.

For example, did you know that it’s perfectly legal to steal up to $500 worth of items from a store if you’re a veteran from any armed conflict?

Stacy asked: How many months/years have you worn women’s underpants and do you have a favorite color and style that really make you wanna strut in your apple bottom jeans and boots with the fur?

I just like how the lace feels. Finding a pair that comes in size GORILLAXXL is difficult, though, so I find myself just going commando most of the time.

Evan asked: Can a girl be so hot that eventually her penis wouldn’t matter?

I know you asked this as a joke, but I had a serious conversation with someone once about this. She and I were just talking about dating and she asked me if I met a girl who was beautiful and smart and funny and everything I wanted in a girl, and we went out several times and had chemistry and it was fantastic, what would I do if I found out a few weeks into it that she had a penis?

The easy answer is to say that you’d end it with her. But,  if you connect with someone deeply and it has power beyond the superficial, I think it would be a very difficult choice. One that I’ve never had to make and I’m sure one that I never will, but it’s an interesting philosophical question nonetheless.

 


Halfway done! Keep coming back and reading, but in the meantime:

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Where Avitable lives.