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Cast of Characters

In a moment of boredom and seething hatred, I’ve decided to identify the cast of characters that I have to deal with on a daily basis:

1. Asshole Incarnate the Leader of all that is Unholy, Evil and Stupid – The boss. He’s the guy that initially hired me. I owed him a lot in the beginning, which I paid back in spades by working the job of three people and getting paid as one. He had the idea for the company, but I executed it and did a damn good job. He’s paranoid, borderline psychotic, and completely delusional. He’s a complete racist and mocks people of all races, but especially African Americans, whenever he can. He’s a misogynist and has very little social skill. In the end, he is a cattle-raping, twat-headed fuckwit.

2. The Frontal Lobe Amputee – The CFO and COO. This guy walked in from a top law firm, with an MBA and JD from a great school. At our company, that automatically means that he is God. Unfortunately, he doesn’t know his asshole from a hole in the ground, and spends most of his day with a look that alternates between utter confusion and complete despair. He’s over his head, won’t admit it, and is relying on Asshole Incarnate to compensate him highly for saving the company tons of money (and, in the end, destroying it beyond recognition). But since Asshole Incarnate has never once kept his word or promise (even written contracts) with a person, Frontal Lobe Amputee is going to get the shock of his life in the next six months. Tough fucking luck, you nut-sucking chicken molesting Neanderthal.

3. Mormonator Fuckface – The Customer Service Manager and new CEO of the MBA-related spinoff of our company. This guy isn’t qualified to lick the shit from his mom’s dick. He has no experience, hasn’t even graduated from college, yet Asshole Incarnate is giving him responsibility and treating every idea he has as a brilliant move. This guy spends most of his day wondering where he is and how to use this “compyutor” then he does actually working, and he pawns most of his responsibilities off on assistants and employees that he “manages”. He has learned a level of condescension and poor people management that is only surpassed by my next character.

4. Uberfuckwit the Odoriferous – Our National Director of Operations. This malodorous cheesedick was hired as a receptionist. He was very anal-retentive, very stinky, and had the personality of a used barf bag. Once he started at the company, he did the only smart thing he’s ever done in his pathetic life – he looked for a new job. He found one, but then Asshole Incarnate took him out to dinner and gave him a fancy title. It essentially means that he’s an HR bitch, but he manages to drip condescension out of every oozing pore. He calls himself “Asshole Incarnate’s right-hand man”. In recent months, he’s learned that Asshole Incarnate lies about everything, as #2 and #3 have slowly replaced Uberfuckwit. Now Uberfuckwit is relegated to a back office where he tries to feel self-important and talks down to everyone he can. He is the consummate shit-eating donkey-raper.

I’m ambivalent towards everyone else at the office, or I actually like them. Of course, the number of people I like has dwindled to one or two.

This is who I have to deal with. Shotgun to the head, anyone?

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