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Steven Wright is a genius

Some classic Steven Wright:

  • For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier…I put them in the same room and let them fight it out…
  • So then I filled the humidifier with wax and left it on. Now everything in my house is shiny.
  • Yesterday I parked my car in a tow-away zone…when I came back the entire area was missing…
  • For a while I didn’t have a car…I had a helicopter…no place to park it, so I just tied it to a lamp post and left it running…
  • There’s a pizza place near where I live that sells only slices… in the back you can see a guy tossing a triangle in the air…
  • I had to stop driving my car for a while…the tires got dizzy…
  • I recently moved into a new apartment, and there was this switch on the wall that didn’t do anything…so anytime I had nothing to do, I’d just flick that switch up and down…up and down…up and down….Then one day I got a letter from a woman in Germany…it just said, “Cut it out.”
  • I put instant coffee in my microwave oven and almost went back in time.
  • I spilled spot remover on my dog and now he’s gone.
  • “The Stones, I love the Stones. I watch them whenever I can. Fred, Barney..”
  • “My friend Winnie is a procrastinator. He didn’t get his birth mark til he was eight years old.”
  • “I don’t have to walk my dog anymore. I walked him all at once. He was fun when he was a puppy. I named him Stay. When I’d call him I’d say C’mere Stay C’mere Stay and he’d go like this..(FILL IN THE MOVEMENT YOURSELF). He’s a lot smarter than that now. Now when I call him he just ignores me and keeps on typing.”
  • “Everywhere is walking distance if you have the time.”
  • “I saw a man with a wooden leg, and a real foot.”
  • “I was in a job interview and I opened a book and started reading. Then I said to the guy ‘Let me ask you a question. If you are in a spaceship that is traveling at the speed of light, and you turn on the headlights, does anything happen?’ He said ‘I don’t know’. I said ‘I don’t want your job’.”
  • “When I woke up this morning my girlfriend asked me ‘Did you sleep good?’ I said ‘No, I made a few mistakes.’
  • “I lost a button hole today.”
  • “I collect rare photographs… I have two… One of Houdini locking his keys in his car… the other is a rare picture of Norman Rockwell beating up a child.”
  • “I met her at Macy’s. She was shopping… I was putting Slinky’s on the escalator.”
  • “When I was a child… We had a quick-sand box in the backyard…… I was an only child…….. eventually…..”
  • “Some people think George is weird, because he has sideburns behind his ears… I think George is weird, because he has false teeth… with braces on them. George is a radio announcer, and when he walks under a bridge… you can’t hear him talk.”
  • “Winny and I lived in a house that ran on static electricity… If you wanted to run the blender, you had to rub balloons on your head.”
  • “Winny would spend all of his time practicing limbo… He got pretty good… He could go under a rug…”
  • “All of the people in my building are insane. The guy above me designs synthetic hairballs for ceramic cats. The lady across the hall tried to rob a department store… with a pricing gun… She said, “Give me all of the money in the vault, or I’m marking down everything in the store…”
  • “Last year we drove across the country… We switched on the driving… every half mile… We had one cassette tape to listen to on the entire trip……….. I don’t remember what it was…”
  • “He was a multi-millionaire… Wanna know how he made all of his money? … He designed the little diagrams that tell which way to put batteries in…”
  • “I bought some batteries… but they weren’t included… so I had to buy them again…”
  • “One day, when I came home from work, I accidentally put my car key in the door of my apartment building… I turned it… and the whole building started up…. So I drove it around…. A policeman stopped me for going too fast… He said, ‘Where do you live?’… I said, ‘Right here’… Then I drove my building onto the middle of a highway, and I ran outside, and told all of the cars to get the hell out of my driveway.”
  • “If you can’t hear me, it’s because I’m in parentheses.”
  • “I saw a close friend of mine the other day… He said ‘Stephen, why haven’t you called me.”… I said, “I can’t call everyone I want… my (new) phone has no ‘five’ on it.”… He said, “How long have you had it?”… I said, “I don’t know… my calendar has no ‘seven’s on it.”
  • “I have a map of the united states …. it’s original size … it says one mile equals one mile.”
  • “Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song?”
  • “I’m moving to Mars next week, so if you have any boxes…”
  • Don’t you hate when your hand falls asleep and you know it will be up all night.
  • I was walking down the street and all of a sudden the prescription for my eye-glasses ran out ….
  • I bought a house, on a one-way dead-end road; I don’t know how I got there.
  • I installed a skylight in my apartment…. The people who live above me are furious!
  • Power outage at a department store yesterday, Twenty people were trapped on the escalators.
  • Babies don’t need a vacation, but I still see them at the beach… it pisses me off! I’ll go over to a little baby and say “What are you doing here? You haven’t worked a day in your life!”
  • My girlfriend asked me how long I was going to be gone on this tour. I said “the whole time”.
  • One time the power went out in my house, I had no lights. Fortunately my camera had a flash. I went to make a peanut butter sandwich and took 60 pictures of my kitchen. My neighbors called the police. They thought it was lightning in my house.
  • What’s another word for thesaurus?
  • I can remember the first time I had to go to sleep. Mom said, “Steven, time to go to sleep” I said “But I don’t know how.” She said, “It’s real easy. Just go down to the end of tired and hang a left.” So I went down to the end of tired, and just out of curiosity I hung a right. My mother was there, and she said “I thought I told you to go to sleep.”
  • One time a cop pulled me over for running a stop sign. He said “Didn’t you see the stop sign.” I said “Yeah, but I don’t believe everything I read.”
  • I went to this restaurant last night that was set-up like a big buffet in the shape of a ouigi board. You’d think about what kind of food you want and the table would move across the floor to it.
  • I went to a restaurant that serves “breakfast at any time”. So I ordered French Toast during the Renaissance.
  • Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second.
  • I used to work at a factory where they made hydrants; but you couldn’t park anywhere near the place.
  • I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me — and I didn’t hear it.
  • I just bought a microwave fireplace… You can spend an evening in front of it in only eight minutes…
  • I was going to commit suicide the other day. I must not have been serious because I brought a beach towel.
  • I’ve got some powdered water, but I don’t know what to add.
  • I went to the eye doctor and found out I needed glasses for reading. So, I got some flip-up contact lenses.
  • I bought some used paint. It was in the shape of a house.
  • I replaced the headlights in my car with strobe lights. Now it looks like I’m the only one moving.
  • I was pulled over for speeding today. The officer said, “Don’t you know the speed limit is 55 miles an hour?” I replied, “Yes, but I wasn’t going to be out that long.
  • I put a new engine in my car, but didn’t take the old one out. Now my car goes 500 miles an hour.
  • Today I………..No, that wasn’t me.
  • I wrote a song, but I can’t read music. Every time I hear a new song on the radio I think ‘Hey, maybe I wrote that.’ Four years ago…………..no, it was yesterday.
  • I’ve writing a book. I’ve got the page numbers done.
  • My friend has a baby. I’m writing down all the noises he makes so later I can ask him what he meant.

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