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Baby talk

The prospect of having children is looming on the horizon for me right now. But I have to have some guidelines if I’m going to procreate. Some of these are imaginary and only possible in a perfect world, but some of them must happen if I’m bringing little Avitables into this world:

1. Child care

As far as I’m concerned, daycare is stupid. It exposes your children to diseases and germs plus the chance to be neglected and/or abused by some random minimum wage fucker. No thanks. We will have a nanny, live-in if possible, who will assist with the care and maintenance of any children. The only other option would be if Amy were to stay at home, and that has as much chance of happening as me growing a tail and fuckin’ rat ears. However, this wouldn’t be a situation where the child would be allowed to imprint on the nanny – we would have plenty of parental influence and quality time. But this one is mandatory.

2. Discipline

Spanking works to a certain age. If you haven’t made your point and educated the brat by then, it’s not going to happen with physical punishment. That’s when you go for the emotional and psychological punishment. Grounding, time out, taking away privileges, telling them their mommy doesn’t love them – all of those things. Okay, the last one is only necessary in extreme circumstances. I grew up to be a twisted, perverted, evil fucker who is responsible, successful and extremely loyal to my friends and family. My discipline started off with spanking, but also included losing privileges, writing essays on why I did something wrong, apologizing, making restitution, and being embarrassed for the stupid shit I pulled.

I will not have children who are the types of kids you hate at the supermarket, in restaurants, and at the movies. If I do, I’m giving them up for adoption or putting them in a bag tied with bricks and dropping them off a dock into the ocean.

3. Education

It would be fucking hilarious if Amy and I (two relatively intelligent, non-athletic people) were to have some musclehead jock as a child who’s dumb as a box of hammers. Regardless, our kids are going to be pushed aggressively into higher education. I don’t think I have the patience or emotional state to homeschool, and my personal opinion is that for every normal, well-adjusted homeschoolee (Beth) there are 5 that are fucked up creepy kids. I think the best plan would be private school up to high school, and then advanced college-level education (International Baccalaureate) for high school, Ivy League or sub-Ivy for college, plus some type of graduate school. I expect every child of mine to have at least a Master’s, and preferably a Doctorate.

4. Religion

I think a non-denominational Christian private school would be a good foundation, but I don’t plan on forcing anything down their throats. Since 90% of Christians put on facades, are hypocrites and act un-Christian, I’d rather they learn moral, Christian values and leave it at that.

5. Fun and games

I plan on picking two or three words that will be replaced with completely incorrect words, just for my amusement. For example, whenever I am around my spawn, the word “cheeseburger” might be “douchenozzle”. Imagine how funny it will be when he grows up and orders a “double douchenozzle” because he’s been indoctrinated to call cheeseburgers douchenozzles.

6. Growing up in the Avitable household

I will never tell our child “Because I said so.” If I don’t have a rational reason to say no, then I shouldn’t. If this encourages them to develop the ability to successfully lobby for a decision in their favor, that’s a great skill that has gotten me very far in life.

I will not spoil our children. I never had an allowance and I started working from the earliest possible age. At the private school I attended from K-8, I stayed after twice a week and vacuumed the entire school, and I was only 11-12. Our children will work, and they will work hard, and the pleasure and freedom they derive from the income they make will make them into stronger individuals.

Our children will not be intolerant. As parents, it will be imperative for Amy and I to ensure that our kids remain open to different viewpoints, lifestyles, and societies. I hate everyone equally, and if I’m lucky, little Pubert Titknocker Avitable will have the same smug sense of superiority over all of humanity.

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17 Replies to “Baby talk”

  1. jhaggard76

    Adam, you are going to have one f$%%ed-up child. But he/she/it is going to be funny, he/she/it will definitely be funny. And PS I tried to leave out the #$% and type the word, in fact I did for a short bit but replaced it before submitting, but after the 90% Christian thing, I figured I should act what I believe, right?

  2. Dave2

    If I ever have a child, would you raise them for me?

    All I ask is that you make sure that they are able to wipe their own ass when you return them to me.

    I think that’s an important skill for a sixteen-year-old.

  3. Avitable

    Jason: I hope you realize that I consider you to be in that 10%, and I don’t think there would be anything you could say or do to change that. Especially since swearing is just a word that is frowned upon by parts of society, not a moral issue or even a biblical issue, you can curse up a blue streak.

    Dave: Didn’t I mention? We will be purely a bidet family. No ass wiping whatsoever. Sorry.

  4. j.a.g.

    Excellent child-rearing plan. Honestly, I agree with EVERY single one.

    I think #5 i s a little unethical, but hilariously evil, thus I see no direct effect on the child’s development.

    But #2, 3, 4 and 6 appealed the most.

  5. jhaggard76

    True, it doesn’t talk about cusing, but it does say something about not being a stumbling block and I think my parents would have a heart attack (ie stumbling block for life) if they heard me talk like that, or type like that. Luckily my mom is so afraid of your blog she doesn’t read it and dad couldn’t find it if he wanted to.

  6. Avitable

    j.a.g: Thanks for the input. I think that if most children were raised according to Avitable rules, it would be a better world.

    Beth: Great minds think alike. Cowpussy!

    Jason: I doubt your parents would have a heart attack if they heard you swear. They’ve seen and witnessed a lot worse in life (much of it from me personally!) and they have much stronger constitutions than that. Swearing wouldn’t make you a stumbling block. Nice try! πŸ™‚

    I think it’s funny that your mom is afraid of my blog. Why is that?

  7. Melanie

    “I will not have children who are the types of kids you hate at the supermarket, in restaurants, and at the movies. If I do, I’m giving them up for adoption or putting them in a bag tied with bricks and dropping them off a dock into the ocean.”

    ROFL!!! LOL!!! I’m dying!

    I like you more every time I read your blog, you’re killing me!

    Oh, and I went to a private Christian school growing up, and I’m ALL jacked up. But it’s all good. πŸ™‚

  8. Grant

    I agree with most of that, although I have heard that daycare exposure to other kids helps develop their immune system. I guess getting molested would only help if you’re planning to turn them over to the Catholic church later.

    My mother and sister conspired to teach me the wrong way to pronounce words. I thought I had gotten all of this out of my system until recently when a recipe called for scallions and I didn’t reallize they were green onions (my mother insisted they were two completely different plants). Don’t forget that the kid will remember that trick, and unless you retire wealthy, the quality of your retirement home will reflect his or her attitude. Be prepared to eat a lot of lime Jell-O during your twilight years. :p

  9. Avitable

    I could understand that daycare might help a child strengthen his immune system, but I think plenty of playtime under parental supervision can have the same effect.

    My parents did similar things – there were things in life that I took for facts, but later found out to be completely fabricated. Bastards! It’s lime Jello for everyone.

  10. Miss Britt

    Day cares are retarded? Hmm.

    You know Adam, the best parenting advice and guidebooks and plans are always written by people who don’t have kids.

    Life is what happens when you’re making plans.

    Children are what happens when you think you’ve got a fucking clue.

    :martini:

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