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A reading from the book of Avitable . . .

Welcome to the Church of Holy Avitableness

In the beginning, there was the web.

And geeks saw the web, and it was Good.

And geeks created HTML and Flash, which gave birth to websites.

And geeks saw the websites and declared that this, too, was Good.

But one day the people spoke to the geeks and said “Oh Geeks, is there a way that we may participate in the web by self-publishing online streams of consciousness, and that even the most crippled of intellects can create a website? In the name of the Motherboard, Sun Microsystems, and the Holy Widget.”

So the geeks created Blogs. And the people rejoiced.

With blogs, all children of the web, the mute and the stupid, the smart and the witty, the closeminded and the psychotic, could air their grievances, their prayers, their stories, and their theories. And other children of the web, the idiots and morons, the snarky and funny, the socially retarded and criminally insane, could read these blogs and comment on them, creating a global community.

And the geeks saw this and it was Good.

The Church of Holy Avitableness was founded on the doctrine that blogging is a sacred ritual, and only through blogging can someone join Bloghalla. Bloghalla is immortality, which is achieved when the enlightened actually become their blog, leaving behind an empty computer chair and half-drank can of Diet Coke. The infidels and unbelievers are punished and sent to AOHell, where they will live out their days in torment from the stupidity of the newcomers to the web.

In order to achieve an enlightened state, the blogger must blog when the urge strikes him or her. There is no bigger sin than forgetting to blog about the most mundane of issues. Once every element of the blogger’s daily life has been and is being blogged, and the line between reality and blog-ality has been obliterated, immortality can be achieved.

There are four Sins of Blogging that are grievous enough to prevent ascension to Bloghalla:

#1: Mommyblogging: Blogging about your children’s daily lives instead of your own, is a mortal sin, and all mommybloggers go immediately to AOHell.

#2: Memeblogging:
More than four memes, quizzes, surveys, or other mindless blogging within one week shows your lack of faith and will prevent entrance to Bloghalla.

#3: Hateblogging: The use of a blog to do nothing more than spew ridiculous political opinions or trash those who are of different sexes, races, ideologies, or religions is almost as bad as mommyblogging.

#4: Petblogging:
If your pet has a blog that you write, you are confined to a special circle of AOHell where you will be forced to blog for eternity using MSN Spaces or Myspace Blogs.

The COHA is compatible with most other belief systems and will support the efforts of any member to maintain both religions simultaneously. Except Scientologists. Fuck them.

There are no rituals or ceremonies other than blogging for a normal parishioner of the COHA. However, if one wishes to become a Minister of Avitableness, there are three requirements:

1. Consume the holy communion. Forged from compressed and processed materials, the communion of the COHA consists of a microwaveable beef and cheese burrito heated to perfection and coated in refrigerated Hershey’s chocolate syrup. The communion must be eaten with gusto. Lip smacks must abound.

2. Learn a holy song. The COHA puts great strength in the songs by wonderful artists such as Paris Hilton, Avril Lavigne, Britney Spears, Lindsay Lohan, Kaci Brown, or Gwen Stefani. The Minister-in-Training must memorize and perform an entire song without vomiting, convulsing (except as part of the required dance), losing consciousness, or dying.

3. Watch Veronica Mars. That’s it. If you don’t enjoy the show, you’re going to AOHell anyway.

In addition to preaching the virtues of the Church of Holy Avitableness, Ministers get the Holy Spellcheck and Holy Grammarcheck which will allow them to become error-free when they are immortal in Bloghalla!

As a parishioner or Minister of the COHA, you have the right to practice your religion without fear of persecution. Do not let anyone persecute you for your beliefs! This means that any employer, teacher, manager, supervisor, spouse, relative, instructor, or librarian must respect your right to blog as an essential part of your goal to gain immortality. Just say “I have to blog for religious reasons – my church requires it” and type your way to Bloghalla!

To become a parishioner of the Church of Holy Avitableness, simply leave a comment indicating your intention, and, if you want, copy and paste this code into your sidebar of your blog:

<a href=”http://avitable.blogspot.com”> <img src=”http://tinyurl.com/z84gl”> </a>

If you do it right, you will have this banner proclaiming your spiritual choice to blog to eternity:

(Use this code if you need a smaller banner:

<a href=”http://avitable.blogspot.com”><img src=”http://tinyurl.com/em66j”></a>

Welcome to the Church!

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