Saturday night was a great party from which I'm still recuperating. Everybody had a great time, and it was one of our most successful parties yet! Thanks to "On the Rocks" for doing the bartending - if you need a great bartender in Central Florida, email me for their info - they were great! Also, thanks to G, L, and J for helping out with all of the setup and decorations. I owe you all a dinner at Cheesecake Factory or something in the next few weeks.

I always liked how Maxim and other magazines do that "By the Numbers" thing in the front of the magazine where they break everything to the basic numbers. So, I decided to try it. Here's the Avitable Halloween Party 2006, by the numbers:

Number of attendees: 45
Cost of liquor: $600
Cost of food: $500
Time of first arrival: 7:15 PM
Time of last departure: 8:00 AM
Time of last departure from somebody who didn't crash at our house: 2:30 AM

Cost of Halloween decorations: $600
Time spent putting up decorations: 11 hours
Time spent taking down decorations: 1.5 hours
Number of black sheets hung on walls: 36
Number of thumbtacks used: 250
Number of thumbtacks in my bare feet the next day: 14

Attendees who vomited: 1
Attendees who vomited but then pretended like they didn't but they were being altruistic and only cleaning up someone else's vomit but somehow got it all over themselves even though the bathroom smelled fine before this person went in and smelled like vomit after she left (I know because I was one of the people who used the bathroom immediately prior): 1
Other attendees who vomited after they left: at least 5
Attendees who were not wearing a costume but knew it was mandatory: 1
Attendees who got thrown into the pool for not wearing a costume: 1
Other attendees who didn't wear costumes, but it was okay: 5
Attendees who got their heads shaved before the party: 2
Attendees who got their heads shaved during the party: 1
Number of spills, breaks, and other disruptions: 0

Types of specialty drinks offered: 5
Huge Goldschlager bottles consumed: 2
Huge Bailey's bottles consumed: 2
Huge Absolute bottles consumed: 2
Crown Royal bottles consumed: 1
Other bottles of liquor fully consumed: 12

Mini Filet Mignons consumed: 60
Pigs in blankets consumed: 48
Crabcakes consumed: 60
Quiches consumed: 60
Spring rolls consumed: 24
Bags of chips consumed: 4
Amount of food I got to eat: 1 mini filet mignon

Attendees who usually don't drink but did: at least 2
Percentage increase in their friendliness as a result: 600%
Attendees I didn't even know: 10
Creepy attendees that nobody knew: 1
Attendees in drag: 1/2
Number of crotch shots: 43
Number of chest shots: 2
Attendees in costumes a bit too small for them: 2
Number of times that Steve's peepee was touched (he likes pizza): at least 4

Falls: 0
Injuries: 0
Deaths: 0
Number of people who will return next year: hopefully 100%!

Now, follow this link for the full post to see the pictures.

Click here for all 200 photos. Here are the highlights, though:

Our bloody pool:

Other decorations:

Some of the great costumes:

Charlie Brown:

Sally Anne:

Ghostbuster:

Mexican wrestler:

Hawaiian Punch:

Angel from Dogma:

Goth fairy and Gypsy:

Wrestlers:

Beauty (aka car accident victim) and the Beast:

My wife as Morticia Addams:

Myself as Steve Irwin (doing a typical excited "Crikey!" face):

Hal Jordan (aka Green Lantern):

Some dick showed up:

Green Hornet and Kato:

Dr. Livingston, Dr. McDreamy, two vampires, a vampire dog, and Cleopatra:

The zombie-killing family:

Cowardly Lion:

The retard clone from Multiplicity (She touched my peepee, Steve):

The non-costumed one:

And finally, a few random photos:

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This has been a hectic few weeks. Tomorrow night I'm throwing a big Halloween party (if you live in Florida and want to come, email me), so I've been getting everything together for it - bartender, food, decorations, blood for the pool, etc. But this Friday morning I thought I'd write an actual blog post, since I haven't done that in a while. Surveys and videos have taken over. Although, the video blogging seemed popular, so I'll try that again sometime.

So here are some things that I've been thinking about recently:

1. Slugs. From wiki: "Slugs produce two types of mucus: one which is thin and watery, and another which is thick and sticky. Both are hygroscopic. The thin mucus is spread out from the centre of the foot to the edges. The thick mucus spreads out from front to back." I learned this the hard way when there was a huge one crawling on my porch screen. I tried to pick it off to throw it outside, but it was slippery, so I actually had to dig my nails into it to peel it off of the screen. Then, the slime would not leave my hands. I tried washing, I tried putting salt on them - nothing would work until I basically peeled off a full layer of finger skin. That's not the worst part. An hour later I bit my fingernail, as I'm prone to do, forgetting that I had slug mucus and skin still stuck underneath my fingernails. That was fucking disgusting!

2. Testicles. I was talking to (and listening to) a certain Bitch last night and was explaining how I spell my name on the phone sometimes. If I'm in a good mood or feel like being clever, I'll say "A" "V as in Vagina" "I" "T as in tits" "A" "B as in Bazongas" "L" "E". But then, later, I realized that "T as in testicles" is probably better. Testicles is a word that is always funny. If you walk up to someone and just say "Testicles", I think they'll laugh - unless they hit you with their purse or bag or taze you, in which case I'm not responsible. But testicles are always funny. They look funny, they move funny, and the word is funny.

3. Superman. Most people who aren't old or retarded will know the age-old discussion about Superman having sex. If everything is superpowered, wouldn't it (a) be superfast, and (b) be so powerful that unless he's wearing a Kryptonite condom, the semen would just shoot out of the top of the woman's head? Would Superman kill Lois with an orgasm? I think that people approach this argument from the wrong direction. Superman is invulnerable. This means that if a bullet hits him, he can't feel it. If you walked up behind him and smacked him in the head with a 2X4, he wouldn't feel it. So, how the hell are the sensitive nerve endings on his penis going to feel a damn thing? They're not, and unless she's got a Kryptonite butt plug that's tickling his prostate and he can ejaculate without penile stimulation, the man is never going to get off, and Lois will never die. Superman will just have to fake it, forever. Invulnerable blue balls have to be a bitch, too.

Welcome to my brain. Thanks for stopping by, and please leave your 3D glasses in the bins to your right.

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Crystal's video blogging has inspired me to attempt my own. Rather than try to be amusing or clever, this is just an initial foray into vidblogging. I don't think this will be a regular event.

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At first I felt bad about posting another list immediately after my last post, but then I realized that it's actually more effort than a real blog post. I have to really try to come up with something clever for every answer without repeating my past hilarity. It's tough, I tell ya.

Without any further ado, here's something I stole from Steph and Miss Ann:

1. Explain what ended your last relationship.
Well, apparently, in some states it is illegal for a woman to have a relationship with a gorilla. Damn narrow minded bastards.

2. When was the last time you shaved?
My face - last week. My head - five years ago. My balls - once, in 10th grade, using an actual sharp razor. It is not something I recommend to anyone, ever.

3. What were you doing this morning at 8 a.m.?
Enjoying a nice breakfast at Cracker Barrel. Half-pound bacon cheeseburger with fries and a Diet Coke.

4. What were you doing 15 minutes ago?
I don't remember what I was doing 15 seconds ago. I could have been burying a dead hooker in a hole in my backyard for all I know. That would explain what the dog's digging up right now.

5. Are you any good at math?
Yes. I haven't had much of a chance to use it in my current position, but I have an affinity for math. In high school, I used to sit at the cafeteria with a few friends and we'd try to stump each other with advanced calculus problems. When we weren't doing that, we would see who could name the most elements on the periodical table in order. No, I wasn't the most popular kid in school - why do you ask?

6. Your prom night? what about?
Prom always bored me. There were better parties on other nights. We went, had our picture taken, and then took the limo to someone's house. Even though I was a senior, I dated a freshman, so she had to be home early. We probably made out for a while, and then I went home and blew a load to a Playboy or something. You asked, okay?

7. Do you have any famous ancestors?
Yes. I've mentioned him before. But here it goes again (from Wiki): In 1834 [Paolo Di Avitabile] was appointed governor of Peshawar, an area the Maharaja has conquered from the Afghans the previous year. Predominatly a Muslim Afghan province, the unruly region had proved too much of a task to govern for the Sikhs.

With a ruthless, at times brutal, style of government, Avitabile established order in the province where he became known as Abu Tabela. Summary executions became usual, and it is said that he would have people executed by throwing them from the top of Mahabat Khan's mosque. While this brutality was shocking to visiting Europeans (in the words of Sir Henry Lawrence: he acts like a savage among savage men, instead of showing them that a Christian can wield the iron sceptre without staining it by needless cruelty), it proved both successful in maintaining order and even popular among the peaceful inhabitants.

His iron fist rule over Peshawar has made a place for him in local folklore. Even today unruly children in the city are brought to control by invoking Abu Tabela's name. In times of unrest, law-abiding citizens send a small wish for the return of an Abu Tabela to finally re-impose law and order.

The face in the picture actually looks quite a bit like my uncle and my father when they were younger. When my family came over from Naples, where General Avitabile retired and was subsequently murdered, the US customs misspelled our name, dropping off the last "i". This guy is definitely related to me, and very likely a great-great grandfather or granduncle.

I've got quite a legend to live up to, now. Can't have someone else being the most famous Avitable, now can I?

8. Have you had to take a loan out for school?
I went to a top private liberal arts college and a top private law school. My wife and I have more loans than most of you will earn in 5 years.

9. Do you know the words to the song on your myspace profile?
I disabled my song. Profile songs are evil. If I had one, it would be DiVinyl's I Touch Myself, or the Scala Girl's Choir version that I find strangely alluring.

10. Last thing received in the mail?
3 of the 14 magazines I subscribe to, fucking Christmas catalogs (it's too early!), and a lifesized puppet replica of Kermit the Frog.

11. How many different beverages have you had today?
All I drink is Diet Coke. Sometimes Diet Coke with Lime.

12. Do you ever leave messages on people’s answering machine?
Almost never. I only call people when I have the time to talk to them. I'll call them again later when I once again have the time to talk. My day is too busy to have them call me back at their fucking convenience.

13. Who did you lose your CONCERT virginity to?
Barenaked Ladies in 1999. Losing my concert virginity was painful - more painful than she said it was going to be. I felt sore and really didn't enjoy it all. It wasn't until I took my time and did it at the right place with the right band that it really felt good. The Billy Joel concert where we were in the fifth row and the No Doubt concert where we were in the tenth row - those times were amazing and I fucking orgasmed all over the place.

14. Do you draw your name in the sand when you go to the beach?
Well, here's the stupid question that is legally mandated in every list. I hate the beach and wouldn't go. If I did go, I'd spend all my time in the water. If I still happened to be in the sand at all, I wouldn't draw in it - that would get my hands dirty, you dumb bastard.

15. What’s the most painful dental procedure you’ve had?
I've never had a painful one. I had a rough cleaning, but that was about it. I still have my wisdom teeth, and I've only had a few cavities. Those were easy. I even did one of those without Novacaine.

16. What is out your back door?
Do you mean my backdoor? Or the back door of my house? Because you don't want to know what's "out" my backdoor. We don't have a back door on our house. We have two walls of sliding glass doors that push all the way back into the wall to open up our huge lanai for parties, and that overlooks our pool and backyard. Here's a picture for you.

17. Any plans for Friday night?
The weekend doesn't affect my schedule. I work 7 days a week.

18. Do you like what the ocean does to your hair?
I don't care about that. I'm more concerned with the effects of cold ocean water on the size and appearance of one's penis and testicles.

19. Have you ever received one of those big tins of 3 different popcorns?
Yes. I love the cheddar popcorn and the chocolate-covered popcorn. The other stuff usually gets left until it goes stale. Then I like to ejaculate all over it and give it to homeless shelters. We all have our fetishes, people.

20. Have you ever been to a planetarium?
Yes. It's been several years, so I'd like to go again sometime.

21. Do you re-use towels after you shower?
They're drying me off after I'm clean. So, all they're doing is absorbing clean water. If it were up to me, I'd never change my towels. Luckily, I have a magical towel fairy who comes and changes the towels for fresh ones every week.

22. Some things you are excited about?
I'm a geek. Technology and superheroes excite me. They give me a funny feeling in my pants.

23. What is your favorite flavor of JELLO?
Look at this - another guerilla marketing survey. Damnit! Jello is made from horses' hooves. It's non-food. It sucks.

24. Describe your keychain(s)?
Oh, it's a pretty pink fairy, a butterfly pendant, a little shiny heart and . . . fucking questions stupid gay shit fucking keychains jesus christ. It's a keychain. It's a metal ring that has keys on it.

25. Where do you keep your change?
I have cups of it all over the place. Once a year I turn it all in and normally have a few hundred dollars worth that I splurge on coke and hookers.

26. When was the last time you spoke in front of a large group of people?
I can't remember. I enjoy public speaking, but I don't think the occasion has really come up anytime recently. Now public streaking - that's another story.

27. What kind of winter coat do you own?
I don't. I do have a black trenchcoat from my college days, but I would only wear that if . . . well, I can't think of any reason that I'd ever wear that again.

28. What was the weather like on your graduation day?
It was nice and sunny and my parents sat next to Edward Norton.

29. Do you sleep with the door to your room open or closed?
Open. It lets the air circulate. If we have guests, my wife always shuts it, but even then I'd prefer it to be open. It's not like they're going to come in and jump on the bed, and the guest rooms are on the other wing of the house.

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From KG and Dave. I'm having trouble blogging this week - too busy or something - so this will have to tide all you bitchers and moaners (Britt, for one) over.

DO YOU SNORE?
Like a freight train filled with firing cannons running over a rusty track during a tornado being chased by a hundred thousand galloping horses.

ARE YOU A LOVER OR A FIGHTER?
I'm an eater.

WHAT’S YOUR WORST FEAR?
Eternity. Just think about the concept. Waking up every day knowing that it would never end. I would lay away at nights as a teenager in tears thinking about that.

AS A KID, WERE YOU A LEGO MANIAC?
Pyromaniac? Yes. Kleptomaniac? Yes. Legomaniac? No.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF “REALITY” TV?
I'm just waiting patiently for "The Running Man" to actually happen. When they start killing real people on television, I'll start watching.

DO YOU CHEW ON YOUR STRAWS?
No. I like to lube them up, stick them up my ass, and blow bubbles, though. Is that weird?

WERE YOU A CUTE BABY?
I truly resembled a baby monkey. Huge ears, prehensile tail - the whole thing.

IS THE SINGLE LIFE FOR YOU?
I was happy when I was single. I'm happier now that I'm married. Unlike some spouses, my wife allows me to have my own life at the same time that we share our lives.

WHAT COLOR IS YOUR KEYBOARD?
Beige, with little white spots scattered all over it. Hmm.

DO YOU SING IN THE SHOWER?
I don't like to sing in the shower because I'm afraid that someone will hear me out the window, and then a team of people will run in and try to sign me to a record contract while I'm sudsing my Avitajewels.

HAVE YOU EVER BUNGEE JUMPED?
Wait. Do you mean: "Have you ever thrown yourself off of a ledge, bridge or cliff attached to something that you hope springs you back before you smash into the ground below?" What do you think?

ANY SECRET TALENTS
Nope. I proudly proclaim my entire repertoire of talents at every possible occasion. If you ever want a list, I'll send you one.

WHAT’S YOUR IDEAL VACATION SPOT?
My ideal vacation revolves around relaxing, sleeping, and watching TV or movies. So if it's not just staying at home, it will be staying in the hotel. And that would drive my wife crazy.

CAN YOU SWIM?
Yes I can, and I can do it better than you. I've been swimming since I was a small man-ape, I was on the swim team, and even though I can displace more water now than during high school, I am more at home in the water than on land sometimes.

HAVE YOU SEEN THE MOVIE DONNIE DARKO?
KG and Miss Ann are both apparently old geezers. Neither of them have seen or heard of this movie. I, however, can appreciate its genius. I actually own a talking Frank the Bunny doll. I love this movie.

DO YOU GIVE A DAMN ABOUT THE OZONE?
The ozone? Is that the little area around the G-spot that leads to an orgasm?

HOW MANY LICKS DOES IT TAKE TO GET TO THE CENTER OF A TOOTSIE POP?
I don't know, but about 25 to get to the ozone.

CAN YOU SING THE ALPHABET BACKWARDS?
Who can't? I mean, unless they're a complete tard.

DO YOU PREFER ELECTRIC OR MANUAL PENCIL SHARPENER?
I haven't used a pencil in at least 8 years. I prefer to type. The electric pencil sharpeners are more painful if you stick your dick in them, though.

WHAT’S YOUR STAND ON HUNTING?
My parents were killed by a deer, so I support using any and all weaponry available to wipe them from the face of the Earth. It was a tragic night when the deer, hopped up on goofballs, broke into our house and murdered them with his own bare hooves.

IS MARRIAGE IN YOUR FUTURE?
Remarriage might be in my future if my wife ever finds the harem of 16 and 17-year old girls I keep in the basement. KIDDING! I don't have a basement.

DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
I did the calligraphy for our wedding invitations five years ago. Recently, I have gotten sloppy, but years of private school having to write cursive with a penny on my hand has given me pretty good handwriting when I want to.

WHAT ARE YOU ALLERGIC TO?
Penicillin. And oxygen. I actually live in a plastic bubble. This blog is my only way of reaching the real world.

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAID, “I LOVE YOU” ?
Not to be arguing semantics here, but what does the word "said" actually mean? Since we're currently operating in an electronic medium and it's likely that when we relate what happened online to other people around us, we would use iterations of "to say" to offer descriptions of communications from other people online, isn't typing the words "I love you" as part of the question on this meme the equivalent to saying it?

DO YOU CRY AT WEDDINGS?
I don't get that emotional about anything.

HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR EGGS?
Fried, over-hard, on top of a bacon cheeseburger. It's so good.

ARE BLONDES DUMB?
Dumb? No. Ditzy? Yeah. Hot? Most definitely.

WHERE DOES THE OTHER SOCK END UP?
Ummmm......in my pants.

WHAT TIME IS IT?
8:00 AM.

DO YOU HAVE A NICKNAME?
Most people call me by last name. Which is pronounced, by the way, "ah-VIT-uh-bull". Like "inevitable" with out the "in" and the "e" becoming more of an "ah". It's not "AV-ita-bul", although "ah-vee-TAH-blay" is okay.

IS MCDONALD’S DISGUSTING?
Only if by disgusting you mean deliciously awesome.

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WERE IN A CAR?
A few days ago. I work so much that I only really leave the house about once or twice a week.

DO YOU PREFER BATHS OR SHOWERS?
Right now, showers, but when I get my huge garden tub with jets and filters and shit, it will be bathtime for Adam.

IS SANTA CLAUS REAL?
Yes.

DO YOU LIKE TO HAVE YOUR NECK KISSED?
It's okay. I'd rather eat a cheeseburger.

ARE YOU AFRAID OF THE DARK?
No. I'm afraid of the freaky little kids that stand in a corner and won't look at you when you call their name and then they turn around and are really scary-looking, in the dark.

WHAT ARE YOU ADDICTED TO?
I have an addictive personality and will become addicted to anything I like. It's one reason that I don't drink. If I did, I know that I'd be constantly drunk, which would lead to constant nakedness, which would lead to permanent detention in a prison facility.

CRUNCHY OR CREAMY PEANUT BUTTER?
Crunchy, with jelly and Fritos on bread.

CAN YOU CRACK YOUR NECK?
I don't know. Let me try. . . . . . . .*crack*OHGODOHGODOHGODOWFUCKFUCKMEOWFUCKAH . . . . ummm, no. Can someone please call 911?

HAVE YOU EVER RIDDEN IN AN AMBULANCE?
Nope. I have followed one through traffic, though - it makes a commute much easier in the morning, especially when I was in LA.

IS DRUG FREE THE WAY TO BE?
I support the legalization of most drugs, but I am completely against most prescription drugs like Xanax, Valium, etc. I think that 98% of the people who take those do not need them.

ARE YOU A HEAVY SLEEPER?
For the first two hours, extremely so. For the rest of it, no - I normally wake up very easily, which can be a hassle when the dog loves to kick me in the face in the middle of the night.

WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR EYES?
Hazel and Green. I think. I'm so full of shit that they're probably just plain brown.

DO YOU LIKE YOUR LIFE?
I feel like I have it better than most people. Since I earned it, I don't feel bad, but I don't like to rub it in anyone's face, either.

ARE YOU PSYCHIC?
I knew you were going to ask that.

HAVE YOU READ CATCHER IN THE RYE?
A long time ago. Right before I shot Reagan, actually.

DO YOU PLAY ANY INSTRUMENTS?
The skin flute. The five-fingered pants piano. The dickolo. Other than that, I'm tone deaf.

HAVE YOU EVER STOLEN MONEY?
I've stolen everything that wasn't bolted down. You name it, I've stolen it at one point in my life. And I never got caught, because I am a criminal genius.

CAN YOU SNOWBOARD?
A few years ago I decided that, after skiing for several years, I actually hated skiing and everything about skiing, so I was giving up any winter sports completely. This was before snowboarding was really popular, so I never had a chance to try it.

DO YOU LIKE CAMPING?
If it's nice and crisp out, sometimes I do. If there are nubile hot women skinny dipping in the lake, then I definitely do.

DO YOU SNORT WHEN YOU LAUGH?
No. I giggle like a cheerleader.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN MAGIC?
I think it's all just science that we haven't figured out yet. Although, I can make a double cheeseburger disappear before your very eyes.

ARE DOGS A MAN’S BEST FRIEND?
Better man's best friend than man's girlfriend.

YOU BELIEVE IN DIVORCE?
I think that in some situations, divorce is a better solution to people who are in an unhappy marriage than remaining in that marriage. I think that as long as people marry for the right reasons, they have a good chance of making their marriage last, but it always takes work and compromise on both sides.

CAN YOU DO THE MOONWALK?
I thought I could when I was a kid, but apparently I was just walking backwards. The audience's jeering still echoes in my head, years later.

DO YOU MAKE A LOT OF MISTAKES?
No. I make very few errors, because I'm overly analytical when it comes to decisions. One time I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken.

IS IT COLD OUTSIDE TODAY?
Only if you're used to LIVING ON THE SUN! WHY THE FUCK IS IT 90 DEGREES IN OCTOBER? WHERE IS MY COOL BREEZE?

WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?
A fucking double cheeseburger. What did you think?

DO YOU WEAR NAIL POLISH?
Only on my scrotum.

HOW MANY PEOPLE DO YOU LIKE RIGHT NOW?
I have a large group of friends that I like. I dislike the rest of the world, though.

WHAT’S THE MOST ANNOYING TV COMMERCIAL?
I don't know - I find the ones that aren't good marketing to be annoying and stupid, and that constitutes 98% of the commercials out there.

DO YOU SHOP AT AMERICAN EAGLE?
This is the stupidest fucking question I've ever heard. This makes me feel like this entire meme was just designed for viral marketing of American Eagle, especially with the question above. Well, I heard that the CEO of AE likes to fuck young boys in the ass, then come in their mouths and make them go home and give their mothers full kisses on the mouth. And the company hates black people, Jews, and anyone whose last name could also be a first name. Fuckin' American Eagle.

FAVORITE SONG AT THE MOMENT?
"White and Nerdy", by Weird Al Yankovic. I bought his CD. He's a lyrical genius.

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Mike had an interesting post that I decided to co-opt for my own blogging purposes.

The goal is to pick four of the professions below and finish the sentence.

If I could be a scientist...
If I could be a farmer...
If I could be a musician...
If I could be a doctor...
If I could be a painter...
If I could be a gardener...
If I could be a missionary...
If I could be a chef...
If I could be an architect...
If I could be a linguist...
If I could be a psychologist...
If I could be a librarian...
If I could be a lawyer...
If I could be an inn-keeper...
If I could be an athlete...
If I could be a professor...
If I could be a writer...
If I could be a llama rider...
If I could be a bonnie pirate...
If I could be an astronaut...
If I could be a world famous blogger...
If I could be a justice on any one court in the world...
If I could be married to any current famous political figure...
If I could be a dog trainer...

If I could be a professor, I'd love to teach a logic or theory class for a small liberal arts college. I've always thought that I would be a good teacher, because I have a great ability to break things down into manageable chunks for people. On the negative side, I look down on stupid people, so my class would have to be an elective and relatively challenging so that the 'tards wouldn't want to be there. I also have a penchant for speaking my mind and not censoring anything I say or do, and I'm sure that could get me in trouble with people who take political correctness to its absurd extreme and with people who are extremely religious, in a fundamental way. The dress code would have to be very relaxed, too. I don't own a pair of pants, and if I have my way, I never will.

This is less of a fantasy than a plan for the future, though. When I get a bit older and no longer need my current income, I want to either get a Ph.D. or just use my existing Juris Doctorate to get a teaching position at a local college. I think it would be a blast.

If I could be a writer, I'd be a mix between Carl Hiaasen, Robert B. Parker, Janet Evanovich, Robert Crais and John Sandford. I've actually written down about thirty little concepts for different novels that someday I'd like to actually attempt to create. In fact, next year I plan on doing NaNoWriMo just to force myself to write a novella. I would like to write something that is funny, because without comedy, what's the point? It would have to have some type of mystery or problem solving required, and the dialogue would have to be so sharp that it would give you papercuts.

If I could be a lawyer, you might think I was cheating. Yes I am a lawyer, but I'm not a practicing one. If I ever had to practice law, I'd want to do some type of regulatory work. Something where in-depth analysis of case law, statutes and court opinions becomes a science. Tax, banking, commercial law - something like that. I've always loved breaking a statute down to its basic elements and interpreting them based on the semantics of the language. And if I did that type of law, I might be able to avoid wearing a suit. Probably not, though. Fucking outdated dress code for professionals today. I relish the day when suits and ties are outlawed.

If I could be a linguist, I'd be cunning.

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Tug tagged me with this meme. I was originally not going to do it, but I'm reading an interesting book right now, so I figured that I might as well.

1. Grab the nearest book.
2. Open the book to page 23.
3. Find the fifth sentence.
4. Post the text of the next 3 sentences on your blog along with these instructions.
5. Don’t you dare dig for that "cool" or "intellectual" book in your closet! I know you were thinking about it! Just pick up whatever is closest.
6. Tag five people - I refuse!

And mine is:

How to be a Ghost Hunter, by Richard Southall

Not only are ghosts and spirits more prevalent, but other paranormal events, such as UFOs, are also more common. The theory is that it is drawing energy from the large electrical source in much the same way that the ghost drains energy from the aura. If there are increased electrical disturbances in a house, such as light bulbs blowing out an increased rate, a large number of fuses blowing, etc., there is a chance that the cause could be a ghost.

This meme sucks.

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Today is Friday the 13th. But you knew that. It's also my fifth year wedding anniversary.

We were originally going to go to Disney's Animal Kingdom and reserve a room with a balcony that overlooks the savannah for the weekend. It would have been fun, although I was worried about one thing. Would Disney let me out once I entered Animal Kingdom? I've had that problem at the zoo, where I've had to prove that I was a human so that they didn't tranquilize me and throw me in with the rest of the gorillas.

Unfortunately, my wife had to go away on business for the last three weeks, and she doesn't fly in until this afternoon. I don't think she's going to be interested in staying in yet another hotel, no matter how nice, after three weeks on the road, so we'll just be staying at home and watching three weeks' worth of television. Honestly, what could be better?

EDIT: I know I said this exact same thing about four posts earlier, but I felt like reiterating it so STFU, k?

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A little Veronica Mars extra for you fans of Sheriff Don Lamb (aka Michael Muhney):

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30 Rock. NBC. Wednesdays at 8.

Tina Fey, Tracy Morgan, and Alec Baldwin, along with several brilliant supporting actors, have made NBC the place to be for comedy.

The pilot established the premise, gave insight into the characters, and had a laugh a second without missing a single beat. Even The Office didn't have a debut this amazing.

With Earl, The Office, Scrubs, and 30 Rock, NBC really has the best comedy lineup. Now that the Simpsons sucks, Family Guy is the same old shit, and no other network has a single comedy worth watching, I think it's time for more Must See TV. Just no fucking ER, k?

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