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It’s all about me, and it’s fucking long and boring

From KG and Dave. I’m having trouble blogging this week – too busy or something – so this will have to tide all you bitchers and moaners (Britt, for one) over.

DO YOU SNORE?
Like a freight train filled with firing cannons running over a rusty track during a tornado being chased by a hundred thousand galloping horses.

ARE YOU A LOVER OR A FIGHTER?
I’m an eater.

WHAT’S YOUR WORST FEAR?
Eternity. Just think about the concept. Waking up every day knowing that it would never end. I would lay away at nights as a teenager in tears thinking about that.

AS A KID, WERE YOU A LEGO MANIAC?
Pyromaniac? Yes. Kleptomaniac? Yes. Legomaniac? No.

WHAT DO YOU THINK OF “REALITY” TV?
I’m just waiting patiently for “The Running Man” to actually happen. When they start killing real people on television, I’ll start watching.

DO YOU CHEW ON YOUR STRAWS?
No. I like to lube them up, stick them up my ass, and blow bubbles, though. Is that weird?

WERE YOU A CUTE BABY?
I truly resembled a baby monkey. Huge ears, prehensile tail – the whole thing.

IS THE SINGLE LIFE FOR YOU?
I was happy when I was single. I’m happier now that I’m married. Unlike some spouses, my wife allows me to have my own life at the same time that we share our lives.

WHAT COLOR IS YOUR KEYBOARD?
Beige, with little white spots scattered all over it. Hmm.

DO YOU SING IN THE SHOWER?
I don’t like to sing in the shower because I’m afraid that someone will hear me out the window, and then a team of people will run in and try to sign me to a record contract while I’m sudsing my Avitajewels.

HAVE YOU EVER BUNGEE JUMPED?
Wait. Do you mean: “Have you ever thrown yourself off of a ledge, bridge or cliff attached to something that you hope springs you back before you smash into the ground below?” What do you think?

ANY SECRET TALENTS
Nope. I proudly proclaim my entire repertoire of talents at every possible occasion. If you ever want a list, I’ll send you one.

WHAT’S YOUR IDEAL VACATION SPOT?
My ideal vacation revolves around relaxing, sleeping, and watching TV or movies. So if it’s not just staying at home, it will be staying in the hotel. And that would drive my wife crazy.

CAN YOU SWIM?
Yes I can, and I can do it better than you. I’ve been swimming since I was a small man-ape, I was on the swim team, and even though I can displace more water now than during high school, I am more at home in the water than on land sometimes.

HAVE YOU SEEN THE MOVIE DONNIE DARKO?
KG and Miss Ann are both apparently old geezers. Neither of them have seen or heard of this movie. I, however, can appreciate its genius. I actually own a talking Frank the Bunny doll. I love this movie.

DO YOU GIVE A DAMN ABOUT THE OZONE?
The ozone? Is that the little area around the G-spot that leads to an orgasm?

HOW MANY LICKS DOES IT TAKE TO GET TO THE CENTER OF A TOOTSIE POP?
I don’t know, but about 25 to get to the ozone.

CAN YOU SING THE ALPHABET BACKWARDS?
Who can’t? I mean, unless they’re a complete tard.

DO YOU PREFER ELECTRIC OR MANUAL PENCIL SHARPENER?
I haven’t used a pencil in at least 8 years. I prefer to type. The electric pencil sharpeners are more painful if you stick your dick in them, though.

WHAT’S YOUR STAND ON HUNTING?
My parents were killed by a deer, so I support using any and all weaponry available to wipe them from the face of the Earth. It was a tragic night when the deer, hopped up on goofballs, broke into our house and murdered them with his own bare hooves.

IS MARRIAGE IN YOUR FUTURE?
Remarriage might be in my future if my wife ever finds the harem of 16 and 17-year old girls I keep in the basement. KIDDING! I don’t have a basement.

DO YOU LIKE YOUR HANDWRITING?
I did the calligraphy for our wedding invitations five years ago. Recently, I have gotten sloppy, but years of private school having to write cursive with a penny on my hand has given me pretty good handwriting when I want to.

WHAT ARE YOU ALLERGIC TO?
Penicillin. And oxygen. I actually live in a plastic bubble. This blog is my only way of reaching the real world.

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU SAID, “I LOVE YOU” ?
Not to be arguing semantics here, but what does the word “said” actually mean? Since we’re currently operating in an electronic medium and it’s likely that when we relate what happened online to other people around us, we would use iterations of “to say” to offer descriptions of communications from other people online, isn’t typing the words “I love you” as part of the question on this meme the equivalent to saying it?

DO YOU CRY AT WEDDINGS?
I don’t get that emotional about anything.

HOW DO YOU LIKE YOUR EGGS?
Fried, over-hard, on top of a bacon cheeseburger. It’s so good.

ARE BLONDES DUMB?
Dumb? No. Ditzy? Yeah. Hot? Most definitely.

WHERE DOES THE OTHER SOCK END UP?
Ummmm……in my pants.

WHAT TIME IS IT?
8:00 AM.

DO YOU HAVE A NICKNAME?
Most people call me by last name. Which is pronounced, by the way, “ah-VIT-uh-bull”. Like “inevitable” with out the “in” and the “e” becoming more of an “ah”. It’s not “AV-ita-bul”, although “ah-vee-TAH-blay” is okay.

IS MCDONALD’S DISGUSTING?
Only if by disgusting you mean deliciously awesome.

WHEN WAS THE LAST TIME YOU WERE IN A CAR?
A few days ago. I work so much that I only really leave the house about once or twice a week.

DO YOU PREFER BATHS OR SHOWERS?
Right now, showers, but when I get my huge garden tub with jets and filters and shit, it will be bathtime for Adam.

IS SANTA CLAUS REAL?
Yes.

DO YOU LIKE TO HAVE YOUR NECK KISSED?
It’s okay. I’d rather eat a cheeseburger.

ARE YOU AFRAID OF THE DARK?
No. I’m afraid of the freaky little kids that stand in a corner and won’t look at you when you call their name and then they turn around and are really scary-looking, in the dark.

WHAT ARE YOU ADDICTED TO?
I have an addictive personality and will become addicted to anything I like. It’s one reason that I don’t drink. If I did, I know that I’d be constantly drunk, which would lead to constant nakedness, which would lead to permanent detention in a prison facility.

CRUNCHY OR CREAMY PEANUT BUTTER?
Crunchy, with jelly and Fritos on bread.

CAN YOU CRACK YOUR NECK?
I don’t know. Let me try. . . . . . . .*crack*OHGODOHGODOHGODOWFUCKFUCKMEOWFUCKAH . . . . ummm, no. Can someone please call 911?

HAVE YOU EVER RIDDEN IN AN AMBULANCE?
Nope. I have followed one through traffic, though – it makes a commute much easier in the morning, especially when I was in LA.

IS DRUG FREE THE WAY TO BE?
I support the legalization of most drugs, but I am completely against most prescription drugs like Xanax, Valium, etc. I think that 98% of the people who take those do not need them.

ARE YOU A HEAVY SLEEPER?
For the first two hours, extremely so. For the rest of it, no – I normally wake up very easily, which can be a hassle when the dog loves to kick me in the face in the middle of the night.

WHAT COLOR ARE YOUR EYES?
Hazel and Green. I think. I’m so full of shit that they’re probably just plain brown.

DO YOU LIKE YOUR LIFE?
I feel like I have it better than most people. Since I earned it, I don’t feel bad, but I don’t like to rub it in anyone’s face, either.

ARE YOU PSYCHIC?
I knew you were going to ask that.

HAVE YOU READ CATCHER IN THE RYE?
A long time ago. Right before I shot Reagan, actually.

DO YOU PLAY ANY INSTRUMENTS?
The skin flute. The five-fingered pants piano. The dickolo. Other than that, I’m tone deaf.

HAVE YOU EVER STOLEN MONEY?
I’ve stolen everything that wasn’t bolted down. You name it, I’ve stolen it at one point in my life. And I never got caught, because I am a criminal genius.

CAN YOU SNOWBOARD?
A few years ago I decided that, after skiing for several years, I actually hated skiing and everything about skiing, so I was giving up any winter sports completely. This was before snowboarding was really popular, so I never had a chance to try it.

DO YOU LIKE CAMPING?
If it’s nice and crisp out, sometimes I do. If there are nubile hot women skinny dipping in the lake, then I definitely do.

DO YOU SNORT WHEN YOU LAUGH?
No. I giggle like a cheerleader.

DO YOU BELIEVE IN MAGIC?
I think it’s all just science that we haven’t figured out yet. Although, I can make a double cheeseburger disappear before your very eyes.

ARE DOGS A MAN’S BEST FRIEND?
Better man’s best friend than man’s girlfriend.

YOU BELIEVE IN DIVORCE?
I think that in some situations, divorce is a better solution to people who are in an unhappy marriage than remaining in that marriage. I think that as long as people marry for the right reasons, they have a good chance of making their marriage last, but it always takes work and compromise on both sides.

CAN YOU DO THE MOONWALK?
I thought I could when I was a kid, but apparently I was just walking backwards. The audience’s jeering still echoes in my head, years later.

DO YOU MAKE A LOT OF MISTAKES?
No. I make very few errors, because I’m overly analytical when it comes to decisions. One time I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken.

IS IT COLD OUTSIDE TODAY?
Only if you’re used to LIVING ON THE SUN! WHY THE FUCK IS IT 90 DEGREES IN OCTOBER? WHERE IS MY COOL BREEZE?

WHAT WAS THE LAST THING YOU ATE?
A fucking double cheeseburger. What did you think?

DO YOU WEAR NAIL POLISH?
Only on my scrotum.

HOW MANY PEOPLE DO YOU LIKE RIGHT NOW?
I have a large group of friends that I like. I dislike the rest of the world, though.

WHAT’S THE MOST ANNOYING TV COMMERCIAL?
I don’t know – I find the ones that aren’t good marketing to be annoying and stupid, and that constitutes 98% of the commercials out there.

DO YOU SHOP AT AMERICAN EAGLE?
This is the stupidest fucking question I’ve ever heard. This makes me feel like this entire meme was just designed for viral marketing of American Eagle, especially with the question above. Well, I heard that the CEO of AE likes to fuck young boys in the ass, then come in their mouths and make them go home and give their mothers full kisses on the mouth. And the company hates black people, Jews, and anyone whose last name could also be a first name. Fuckin’ American Eagle.

FAVORITE SONG AT THE MOMENT?
“White and Nerdy”, by Weird Al Yankovic. I bought his CD. He’s a lyrical genius.

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