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Not meme, youyou

I know I was going to talk about geeks and why they are good, but that will have to wait for next post.

Here’s a meme all about my wife, Amy. I stole it from KG.

1. How does she take her coffee?
Apparently, she knows an age-old way of drinking coffee that I’d never heard of. She puts the grounds directly in her mouth, microwaves a cup of water for 10 minutes and then drinks it with the grounds while shaking violently. It normally freaks people out when they first see it.

Or, she just goes to Starbucks and gets a latte or chai, depending on her mood.

2. Is she a morning person or a night person?
Morning person. I, however, am both a night and morning person. I’m just not an afternoon person.

3. What kind of car does she drive?
We only have one car. Since I work from home, and her office is less than a mile from our house, there’s no need for a second one. We have a 2002 Toyota Camry. For our next car, I want to get a Lincoln Navigator, a Lexus, or an Acura. She wants a hybrid.

4. Does she adhere to the speed limit?
When I first met Amy, she drove like her family. Very slowly, not using mirrors or peripheral vision – just staring at the road and cars ahead. Thankfully, after a prolonged exposure to Avitable driving (much like exposure to radiation), she has become a very aggressive driver. While she doesn’t quite reach the Mach speeds that I do, the speed limit has become a suggestion rather than a rule for her. I’m so proud!

5. How long does she take in the shower?
I don’t know about showers, but it takes her about 45 minutes to give me my sponge bath. Basically she just puts on a Hazmat suit, puts a wet sponge on a stick, and pokes at my stinky spots until the visible smell lines disappear.

6. What are her favorite food and favorite drink?
Used to be meat. Now she’s vegetarian, and all vegetables look the same to me. I’m a vegiracist.

7. What kind of soap does she use?
What’s up with these weird questions? It’s soap. Irish Terror, or something like that. Plus we have body wash. I love body wash.

8. What kind of shampoo?
I used to shampoo my head with an awesome garlic/butter combination, but my wife got me hooked on Aveda rosemary mint shampoo, and then changed to some other brand. I have no idea.

9. What would she say is the thing she likes the most about you?
Well, since we’ve been together, my hump has dissipated, so she probably likes that. That, and maybe my sense of humor.

10. What would she say is the thing that annoys her most about you?
My packrat tendencies. I like to make piles. And when I sleep, I like to punch in random directions every fourteen minutes. And I emit pheremones that attract horny opossum. And due to a mentally-scarring episode when I was a child, I introduce myself by kicking the other person in the crotch. And I giggle and pee myself every time someone says the word “the”.

11. How did you meet?
First week of law school. I was the only person who wasn’t studying furiously – in fact, I was reading a novel for fun. She came up to see if I was stupid, crazy, or a brilliant amazing wonderful genius. Obviously, I was a little bit of all three.

12. Tell me about your first date with each other.
We went out to dinner at Fitz’s in Saint Louis and saw one of the worst movies in the history of moviedom, Rounders. Even though I like Matt Damon and Ed Norton, this movie was dreadful. And we both said that we liked it when we walked out of the theater.

13. Where does she hide her stash… and what kind of stash is it?
Another stupid question. First of all, why would anyone have to hide a stash from their spouse. Secondly, what type of stash would someone need to hide? Drugs? Cash? Porn?

Although, she does have a harem of male strippers that she hides in our closet and thinks I don’t know.

14. Is she a saver or a spender?
She started out as nothing but a saver. Now she saves quite a bit, but also realizes that we can earmark money for spending on fun things, too. Like diamond-encrusted doorknobs and a butler.

15. What would she do with $10,000?
It’s obvious that this is written by someone in high school. That’s not very much money. We might pay off part of a credit card, or that might pay for half of the hot tub we want to get installed.

16. What is the one possession of hers that you absolutely detest, but she would kill you if you threw it away?
There is nothing like that. Before we moved to Los Angeles from Saint Louis, I had my dad’s wingback chair with goosedown pillows that I absolutely loved, and we couldn’t bring it with us because we had to make room for her papasan chair. However, I got to exact delicious revenge by selling her papasan in Los Angeles before we moved to Florida for $25.

17. Who wears the pants in the house?
I don’t believe in wearing pants, obviously. So she does. Undoubtedly. I do what I’m told so I don’t get beaten. With a stick!

18. What is her ultimate weakness?
Puppies. And kitties. And ferrets. And fish. And turtles. And any other type of animal out there.

Oh, and Kryptonite.

19. How would she describe you?
When we were first dating, she would tell her friends who had never met me that I was this “Italian guy”. That drove me absofuckinglutely nuts because the obvious impression they get is that I’m some Guido with gold chains and wife-beaters, slicked-back hair and the intelligence of a retarded monkey.

Now she just takes out a picture of a gorilla, says “Imagine this, but with slightly less hair, worse posture, a computer stuck to his face, and a bacon cheeseburger in each hand. Oh, and he makes me say this – he’s also erudite and witty.”

20. How will you spend the holidays?
Thanksgiving will be spent with my parents and other extended family members. We will be hosting Christmas dinner at our house. I will cook. We’ve already given each other our Christmas gifts (mine was the huge television that you’re all jealous of, and hers was her trip to Paris in December to go shopping with her girlfriends), so otherwise it will be relatively low-key.

And that’s it. At least this one didn’t have any corporate sponsorship like the last few. Amy gets surgery tomorrow on her herniated disc, so I’ll be in and out over the weekend, or I’ll be online constantly if she’s sleeping the whole weekend.

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