CP has decided that the esteemed Mr. Fab and I need to have a "dance off" to see who gets to be her bitch.

Go check it out, and then go to her blog to vote.

HINT: I'm much sexier and a better dancer by far.

Update: If you don't already know, Fab challenged me to post an actual video of myself dancing. I accepted. We are posting these videos on CP's blog on Tuesday, so go there and check it out!

Read archived HaloScan comments

I've read a few blogs about what the author would or wouldn't do for a million dollars. It got me thinking.

I'm a moral black hole. I don't have any personal restrictions against taking lives or ruining lives or destroying lives, especially if I'm getting compensated. A hundred dollars, a million dollars, whatever.

If I were going to have to eat something disgusting, like a steak cooked well done, or vegetables, it would definitely have to be closer to a million.

Other than those two issues, I can't really think of anything that would be so horrible that I wouldn't want to withstand it for some cold, hard cash.

So it's assumed that I'll have the million bucks. The more pressing question is what would I do with it?

Start with 1,000,000.
Pay taxes. I'm left with $600,000.
Pay off the house. I'm left with $300,000.
Pay off our student loans. I'm left with $0.

Wow. That was fast. Fuck that. I want 10 million!

Read archived HaloScan comments

Read archived HaloScan comments

As a present to all of you, here is a video compiling some of the most popular celebrity blowjobs, including Paris Hilton, Pamela Anderson Lee, Gena Lee Nolin, Chyna, and others. Enjoy as you celebrate this wonderful day with your family:

Read archived HaloScan comments

Until Tuesday, Merry Christmas from Jigsaw!

Read archived HaloScan comments

After seeing Lucy, Steph and HCG do it, I had to follow suit like the good little follower I am.

1. Open your music library (iPod, iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that’s playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. Don’t lie and try to pretend you’re cool…

Waking Up: Instigator, by Kaci Brown (Instigator)
First Day at School: Dance of the Seven Veils, by Liz Phair (Exile in Guyville)
Falling In Love: Jumpers, by Sleater-Kinney (The Woods)
Fight Song: DQ Blizzard, by MC Chris (Life's a Bitch and I'm her Pimp)
Breaking Up: When I See You Smile, by Bad English
Prom: Naked in the Rain, by Red Hot Chili Peppers (Blood Sugar Sex Magik)
Life: Fire, by Ladytron (Light & Magic)
Mental Breakdown: Saving Grace, by Tom Petty (Highway Companion)
Driving: The Sweet Escape, by Gwen Stefani (The Sweet Escape)
Flashback: NYC, by Interpol (Turn on the Bright Lights)
Wedding: Shake a Leg, AC/DC (Back in Black)
Birth of Child: Feathers, by Kidneythieves (Trickstereprocess)
Final Battle: Hold on to the Night, by Richard Marx
Death Scene: Too Much to Ask, by Avril Lavigne (Let Go)
Funeral Song: Wind It Up, by Gwen Stefani (The Sweet Escape)
End Credit: Red Hooded Sweatshirt, by Adam Sandler (What's Your Name)

Read archived HaloScan comments

From RW. He's started a story to be continued by other bloggers. He started it as a part of his Roundtable, but you don't have to be a Roundtable member to continue it. I'm not, and I will. Here are his instructions:

Check where the story has been left off by the last contributor. Tie into what has been opened. Advance the story anywhere you want to go. You do not have to be a member of the Roundtable to participate.

You MUST pick up from wherever the last entry left off. You may NOT ignore the last entry, but must run with whatever it is.

If two posters "publish" at the same time, we then have two stories. Follow what part you want, or tie them back together. Makes no difference.

His story is here, and I'll continue it now. If you want to continue it, go over to his blog and continue it in the comments!:

. . . until Rosetta pointed out that it didn't look like a killing plate. No matter how much he squinted or cleared his eyes, he couldn't tell what it was. A doormat? A shoe? Just a passing shadow? It didn't matter. Rosetta told him that they were bad people, and she was always right. He adjusted her dress and decided to go visit.

****

"She's so beautiful," Peter thought as he sat with his arm around Mary on the couch. "How the hell did I get so lucky? Only 23, and I'm happily married to the love of my life. We have our very first apartment, brand new furniture, and Mary's got my baby boy inside her. We are so truly blessed." His dreamy reverie was interrupted by a knock at the door to their newly christened apartment.

Mary hopped up and went to the door. Looking through the peephole, she giggled and said "It's the guy from across the hall, and he's got some ridiculous puppet on his hand." Ignoring the tickle of concern tracing its cold finger down her spine, she opened the door with a resounding "Howdy neighbor!".

And then the screams started . . .

Read archived HaloScan comments

Miss Misery tagged me, but I don't really need a tag to list 7 things that irritate the hell out of me. In fact, I'm always happy to do that!

1. Sponsored posts on blogs. I don't care how you try to justify it to yourself. If you write your blog for anyone other than yourself, you need to step back and take a look at why you blog. Even if you mark them clearly as sponsored posts, they're still a complete betrayal to the whole point of blogging.

2. Renting space on blogs. I just don't understand it. What is the point? To get mindless click-through traffic that NEVER results in increased readership? Here's a clue: If you want to get more readers, take the time to read blogs that interest you and comment on them. That's all it takes.

3. My fucking right eye. I don't know if it's allergies or an occluded tear duct or what, but a few days a week, my right eye will just water all day long. And not just tear up, but get that sleepy shit in my eye, too. I fucking hate you, eye! Maybe I should just tear it out and get an eyepatch.

4. Britney Spears's vagina. You know what, if you had told me three years ago that Britney would have been flashing her poonani all over the place and I wouldn't care, I would have punched you in the face and called you a liar. But here we are, and I'm actually annoyed at her vajayjay. She's been rode hard and put away wet, and her bajingo looks like it. Sigh.

5. People who insist on saying "Merry Christmas" because they think they're making a point. You know what? You're not. It's not clever or pointed. It's tired and stupid. It's a holiday season, and is there really any big deal to saying "Happy Holidays" or "Season's Greetings?" I have friends who celebrate Chanukah and friends who don't celebrate anything - why do I have to force Christmas on them?

6. Fanboys. These sniveling little retards who can go online and just argue for hours about details that don't matter in their favorite media, whether it's TV, movies, comics, or something else. You make the rest of us geeks look bad - fuck off and die, k?

7. People who think California is crazy-land. It's no crazier than any other part of the country. If you're on the far right, politically speaking, and you don't have a brain on your shoulders, you might find California to be frightening because people actually challenge your ideas. But if you're someone who thinks about each belief you have and have some modicum of intelligence, California is just another fucking state.

Read archived HaloScan comments

My elf-tastic holiday greeting to all of you.

Read archived HaloScan comments

Nothing to say today - Instead, head over to Tracy's blog and see my guest post for her "12 Posts of Christmas". Leave some fucking comments, willya?

Read archived HaloScan comments