RINNNNGGGGG*

Them: Hi, thanks for calling American Depress Executive Business Card Customer Service. Can I help you?

Moi: Hi. I was just trying to use my card to buy some gift cards on the American Depress website, and it kept giving me a weird error. It wasn't a decline - just a strange error, so I thought I'd call and check on it.

Them: Okay, sir, can I have your card number?

Moi: ****

Them: And your secret password?

Moi: Do I need to give that?

Them: Yes, sir. It's how we determine it's really you.

Moi: Ok. Sigh. My secret password is: Fucknuts.

Them: (stifles giggle) Thank you, sir. Okay, sir, well, we're showing that you've reached your limit with your American Depress.

Moi: I thought I didn't have a limit?

Them: Well, there is no pre-set limit, but American Depress will set a flexible limit based on your usage and balances.

Moi: What is my current balance?

Them: $38,316.92

Moi: That's my limit? Kind of arbitrary, isn't it? The purchase I was trying to make was only $1300. Can't we just call my limit $40,000, and I'll be on my merry way?

Them: Unfortunately, sir, until you can make a payment on the card, we cannot allow any further charges.

Moi: So, if I make a $1300 payment, I can charge this $1300 that I need to charge?

Them: At this point, sir, in order to make further purchases, you would need to make a payment of at least $2,000.

Moi: But if my limit is $38,316.92, and I make a payment of $1300, doesn't that change my balance to $37,016.92, giving me available credit of $1300?

Them: No, sir.

Moi: No, sir? No, sir, what? Is there any logic behind that?

Them: All I can tell you, sir, is that you need to make a payment of at least $2,000 in order for future charges to be approved.

Moi: What if the new charge is only $10? Do I need to make a payment of $2,000?

Them: All I can tell you, sir, is that you need to make a payment of at least $2,000 in order for future charges to be approved.

Moi: McDonald's has 99-cent double cheeseburgers. Can I buy one of those if I make a payment of $1?

Them: All I can tell you, sir, is that you need to make a payment of at least $2,000 in order for future charges to be approved.

Moi: You've just repeated the same thing three times. Is this a robot?

Them: No sir, this is a live person.

Moi: Oh yeah? What's 1,478 * 456?

Them: 673968.

Moi: Aha! I fucking knew it! You're a robot.

Them: .....Exterminate!....Sir, please stand by. A manager will be arriving at your door shortly.

Moi: Oh, fuck.

*most of this is a true story.

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