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Oh, the things I have done

Stole this from NYCWD:

I’ve bolded the things that I’ve done and, of course, added comments:

01. Bought everyone in the bar a drink
02. Swam with wild dolphins
03. Climbed a mountain – this is true as long as a mountain means the slope that my driveway takes from the mailbox up to the garage. And I hiked up Chimney Rock in North Carolina once, but it sucked so I’ve blocked it from my memory.

04. Taken a Ferrari for a test drive
05. Been inside the Great Pyramid
06. Held a tarantula – She was a gang member in LA, a spicy hot Latina, and as she died, I held her in my arms. “What is your name, mi amor?” I asked. “Tarantula,” she sighed with her dying breath.

07. Taken a candlelit bath with someone – Do Bert and Ernie count as somoeone?

08. Said “I love you” and meant it – That chocolate cake knew that I meant every word.

09. Hugged a tree – Thank God it didn’t ask if I’ve fucked the knothole of a tree.

10. Bungee jumped
11. Visited Paris
12. Watched a lightning storm at sea – On my first (and last) cruise. I also watched an old couple make out at sea.

13. Stayed up all night long and saw the sun rise – Did you know morning wood doesn’t happen if you don’t go to sleep?

14. Seen the Northern Lights
15. Gone to a huge sports game
16. Walked the stairs to the top of the leaning Tower of Pisa
17. Grown and eaten your own vegetables
18. Touched an iceberg
19. Slept under the stars – I enjoy camping when it’s cold enough. Too warm and you just want to sleep naked, and then the US Forest Service gets involved with tasers. Let me tell you, it’s not pretty.

20. Changed a baby’s diaper – As the oldest sibling and cousin, I’ve changed many diapers of my younger relatives. Now some of them think their shit doesn’t stink. Well I can attest that it did at one point!

21. Taken a trip in a hot air balloon – this almost happened, even though I hate heights. We were in Napa on our anniversary, and we had reservations. I was not looking forward to it, but I promised my wife I’d do it with her – she’d been in one before and had a blast. We got there and they canceled due to inclement weather. I dodged a fuckin’ bullet!

22. Watched a meteor shower
23. Gotten drunk on champagne
24. Given more than you can afford to charity
25. Looked up at the night sky through a telescope – Night sky, hot female neighbor’s window, what’s the diff?

26. Had an uncontrollable giggling fit at the worst possible moment

27. Had a food fight – I ended up on the floor with a hot dog stuck up my ass, so I think I lost.

28. Bet on a winning horse
29. Asked out a stranger
30. Had a snowball fight
31. Screamed as loudly as you possibly can
32. Held a lamb
33. Seen a total eclipse of the heart?

34. Ridden a roller coaster – While I hate roller coasters, I can’t imagine that someone hasn’t at least tried it once.

35. Hit a home run
36. Danced like a fool and not cared who was looking
37. Adopted an accent for an entire day
38. Actually felt happy about your life, even for just a moment – I always feel happy about my life. I’m the most optimistic cynical bastard you’ll ever meet.

39. Had two hard drives for your computer – I have four now. I R a Geek!

40. Visited all 50 states
41. Taken care of someone who was drunk – I’ve done this numerous times. The worst one was my freshman year of college – the first week I was there. My roommate gets plastered and falls into some type of muck, so a junior who was with him brings him home. He can barely stand and his clothes are disgusting, so we actually have to change him, put on dry clothes, and put him to bed.

42. Had amazing friends – I still do. I also have Superfriends, but that’s only on Cartoon Network.

43. Danced with a stranger in a foreign country
44. Watched wild whales
45. Stolen a sign – and a Lamb’s Barricade and a mailbox and about a million other things. I was a little shit.

46. Backpacked in Europe
47. Taken a road-trip – I love road trips, but not spur-of-the-moment. I need to plan and buy supplies and have maps and have hotel reservations set up.

48. Gone rock climbing
49. Midnight walk on the beach – Once you’ve seen Jaws, though, a midnight swim at the beach is very frightening and will make your balls crawl into your stomach to hide. Just an FYI.

50. Gone sky diving
51. Visited Ireland
52. Been heartbroken longer than you were actually in love
53. In a restaurant, sat at a stranger’s table and had a meal with them
54. Visited Japan
55. Milked a cow
56. Alphabetized your CDs – and my books, andy my DVDs, and anything else that can be alphabetized. But then they get out of order, and it frustrates me, but I don’t have time to fix them.

57. Pretended to be a superhero – I had these Superman pajamas with a cape, and I would run through the house and fly into the walls. But then the crotch ripped out of them and we had to throw them away. That was last Tuesday, and I was so sad, but my wife said I can buy a new pair this week.

58. Sung karaoke
59. Lounged around in bed all day
60. Played touch football – I’m just now realizing how every sport out there has serious homoerotic undertones.

61. Gone scuba diving
62. Kissed in the rain – It sucks. Water goes in your nose and shit.

63. Played in the mud – I played in things when I was a kid that would make me vomit now. I remember having a mud fight in this partially dried up lake that was all mud. We were covered in it, and it was in every orifice. Turns out it was half-sewage. I’m vomiting a little in my mouth right now just thinking about it.

64. Played in the rain – Disney in the pouring rain is awesome. Everybody goes home, and you almost have the run of the place. Just buy a poncho and you’re all set.

65. Gone to a drive-in theater – I wonder how old someone has to be now to ask what a drive-in theater is.

66. Visited the Great Wall of China
67. Started a business – I’ve started many. This current one is the most successful and will hopefully allow me to retire by 35.

68. Fallen in love and not had your heart broken – At least, until my wife realizes what she’s done by marrying me.

69. Toured ancient sites
70. Taken a martial arts class – As a child, I took karate, tae kwon do, and naked judo. The last one wasn’t so fun.

71. Played D&D for more than 6 hours straight – even though I’ve never actually played D&D, I’ve played video games and board games for more than 6 hours straight, so I had to confess my nerdliness. One time in law school, the weekend before our first big paper was due, my friend Eric and I reserved a room in the law school library (a room that had windows on all sides so everyone could see) and we played the board game Star Wars Monopoly all night long. Everyone else working on their paper just couldn’t believe that we were doing it.

72. Gotten married – Once to a human (still married), once to a goat (annulled), and once to a piece of pie that was unbelievably delicious (contentious divorce)

73. Been in a movie
74. Crashed a party
75. Gotten divorced
76. Gone without food for 5 days – ha! I haven’t gone without food for five minutes!

77. Made cookies from scratch
78. Won first prize in a costume contest
79. Ridden a gondola in Venice
80. Gotten a tattoo
81. Rafted the Snake River

82. Been on television news programs as an “expert” – I’ve been quoted in the New York Times and appeared on the news as an expert in finding employment.

83. Got flowers for no reason
84. Performed on stage – My days of a showgirl were only overshadowed by my comedy routines during the high school pageant.

85. Been to Las Vegas – I can only spend about two days there before I get sick of it.

86. Recorded music
87. Eaten shark – It’s kind of bland. Much like placenta.

88. Kissed on the first date – That’s when I noticed her Adam’s apple.

89. Gone to Thailand
90. Bought a house – I love my house. You should too.

91. Been in a combat zone
92. Buried one/both of your parents
93. Been on a cruise ship – Worst. Experience. Ever. Do I really need a schedule of events? Or assigned seating at dinner? Or formal attire required for a dinner that is not worth it? I can walk into a much better restaurant in Los Angeles in my usual outfit of shorts and sneakers with red shoelaces and eat a meal that’s infinitely better than a cruise ship meal, but they require formal wear? Fuck them!

94. Spoken more than one language fluently – Used to be that I could speak conversationally in Japanese, Spanish and English. Now that I don’t use the foreign languages anymore, I no talk so good.

95. Performed in Rocky Horror
96. Raised children
97. Followed your favorite band/singer on tour
99. Taken an exotic bicycle tour in a foreign country

100. Picked up and moved to another city to just start over – My wife and I, when we were engaged, moved to Los Angeles after Saint Louis because she wanted to live there. I didn’t care because as long as I have Internet and cable, I’m happy. And cheeseburgers.

101. Walked the Golden Gate Bridge
102. Sang loudly in the car, and didn’t stop when you knew someone was looking – The only problem was that the song was the DiVinyl’s “I touch myself” and the someone who was looking was a schoolbus full of young Catholic middle school girls. Did you know that counts as a predatory sexual act?

103. Had plastic surgery
104. Survived an accident that you shouldn’t have survived
105. Wrote articles for a large publication
106. Lost 100 pounds
107. Held someone while they were having a flashback
108. Piloted an airplane
109. Touched a stingray – Not only did I touch it, but I’ve started a revenge campaign for the murder of Steve Irwin. I’ve killed 14,000 stingray now.

110. Broken someone’s heart – High school is tough, and I was a bastard.

111. Helped an animal give birth
112. Won money on a T.V. game show
113. Broken a bone
114. Gone on an African photo safari
115. Had a facial part pierced other than your ears
116. Fired a rifle, shotgun, or pistol – I haven’t in a while, but at one point as a teen, I was a decent shot thanks to summer camp.

117. Eaten mushrooms that were gathered in the wild
118. Ridden a horse
119. Had major surgery
120. Had a snake as a pet
121. Hiked to the bottom of the Grand Canyon
122. Slept for more than 30 hours over the course of 48 hours
123. Visited more foreign countries than U.S. states
124. Visited all 7 continents
125. Taken a canoe trip that lasted more than 2 days
126. Eaten kangaroo meat
127. Eaten sushi – who hasn’t? Are you retarded? At least try it.

128. Had your picture in the newspaper – I’ve done it several times. Once for a spelling bee, and fourteen times as a fugitive from justice.

129. Changed someone’s mind about something you care deeply about – I convinced my wife to marry me, didn’t I?

130. Gone back to school
131. Parasailed
132. Touched a cockroach – The hissing ones are the coolest.

133. Eaten fried green tomatoes
134. Read The Iliad – and the Odyssey

135. Selected one “important” author who you missed in school, and read
136. Killed and prepared an animal for eating
137. Skipped all your school reunions – Someday I’d like to go, but I just have to get rid of my utter and complete apathy.

138. Communicated with someone without sharing a common spoken language – Asking a Tijuana hooker how much for a blowjob and anal sex without speaking Spanish takes skill!

139. Been elected to public office
140. Written your own computer language
141. Thought to yourself that you’re living your dream – Always.

142. Had to put someone you love into hospice care
143. Built your own PC from parts – It’s the only way to do it.

144. Sold your own artwork to someone who didn’t know you
145. Had a booth at a street fair
146. Dyed your hair
147. Been a DJ – I was a college DJ and had a blast. I still have tons of cassette tapes from then that I’d like to transfer over to mp3 – anyone have any ideas about the best way to do that?

148. Shaved your head – I do that regularly. And my balls.

149. Caused a car accident – I made an orange truck tip over on the interstate the day before my wedding, and I remember thousands of oranges being run over by the rest of the cars. Nobody was hurt. Except those poor oranges.

150. Saved someone’s life – I told my friends not to see Gigli. They listened. Thank God.

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