I'm whoring myself out here. I got my "Douche" article posted on Page 2 of Drivl.

Go check it out and leave me lots of comments!

Update: I don't know if it's because of all the comments you guys left or if someone else at Drivl thought my submission deserved even more attention, but I just got bumped up to the front page. Sweet!

Read archived HaloScan comments

So as I was suspending myself from my testicles attached to a rope in the ceiling so that I could properly masturbate to a video of a woman giving a horse a blowjob, the doorbell rang. I answered the door al natural, and the Girl Scouts ran off screaming, dropping a box of cookies. I picked them up and chased after the girls yelling "I have your goodies!" and while doing this, the rope tied to my scrotum caught my dog's collar and she was dragged after me.

Running after two girls who were faster than I was while dragging a dog by my testicles was exhausting, so I decided to sit down on a nearby traffic cone. Much to my chagrin, the cone went halfway up my ass and became lodged there. Standing seemed only to secure the cone there, so I decided to return home, dog attached to my balls and orange traffic cone sticking at a 45 degree angle out of my ass.

Upon returning home, I discovered that the front door was locked. Frustrated, I went around to the side yard to climb over the fence. While clambering over, I caught my penis in a knothole on one of the boards at the same time that I spotted the neighbor's daughter sunbathing topless in the yard next door to me. My resulting erection caused me to be stuck firmly in the knothole, where I waited patiently, thinking of Margaret Thatcher. That just made it worse, so I thought about Dennis Rodman. The pain radiating from that throbbing erection almost made me pass out, so I thought of Rosie O'Donnell until the swelling went down.

Carefully extricating myself, I entered the backyard, dog in tow attached to my scrot, orange cone up my ass, splintered dick in hand. I walked up to the back porch, quietly opened the door, and decided to go back to bed.

And so goes another day in the life of Avitable . . .

Read archived HaloScan comments

So this weekend we celebrated my birthday. I ate lots of steak and cake, ice cream that had peanut butter and chocolate in it, and played Nintendo with some good friends.

Now that I'm 30, I find myself forgetting everything.

Did I remember to feed the dog?

Did I just take the trash out in the nude?

Do I like my cheeseburgers with or without bacon?

It's horrible having degenerative memory, but at my old age, I guess it's expected. I'm going to go put on Depends, eat some fiber, watch Matlock, and write angry letters to the editor.

What does this have to do with the title? I don't remember!

Read archived HaloScan comments

In honor of my 30th birthday, I'm posting a picture of myself in my birthday suit! Although, since I don't have a camera, I had to draw from memory.

Thank you to Cat, Poppy, CP, Britt, Tracy, Andrew, and Brent for the awesome birthday gifts. The rest of you have a one-year grace period whereby any gifts or cards are automatically considered to be part of this birthday. I'm nice like that. Well wishing in the comments will count as a gift for today only.

And don't forget to find one of my awesome partners in crime, Amy, and wish her a happy birthday, too! She may be a wee bit older and she may have a hairdo that looks like Dorothy Hamill, but her birthday is just as important. Go ask her for pictures of her in her birthday suit, too!

ANOTHER UPDATE: Thanks, too, to Mr. and Mrs. Fab for the awesome chocolate cake with Batman on top!

Read archived HaloScan comments

Today I'm doing a meme. I didn't get it from anyone - I just decided to list 5 more things you don't know about me:

1. My grandmother's side of the family is descended from John Alden, who is an ancestor of Henry Wadsworth Longfellow, John Adams, John Quincy Adams, FDR, Orson Welles, Marilyn Monroe, and Dan Quayle. My wife's family also thinks they have ties to John Adams and John Quincy Adams. So apparently I'm married to a cousin.

2. The only bone I've ever broken was my thumb after sliding into second base as a kid. It wasn't broken when it happened, it was probably sprained, maybe a hairline fracture. However, when I was home, sitting it on some ice at the kitchen table, and my little brother came up and smashed his fist into my thumb, that broke it.

3. For an entire series of photos during a Christmas 1993 or 1992, I have an eyepatch. Unfortunately, it wasn't because I was a kick-ass pirate. It was because this same little brother threw a stick directly into my eye. To this day I still have little floaters if I look at a bright light.

4. As a child, I was quite a somnambulist. When I was 5, my father woke up to find me standing at the bottom of the stairs that led to the master bedroom, dressed in my school clothes with my backpack on, ready to go to school, completely asleep. That's got to be creepy! I mean, little kids are creepy already, but a sleepwalking one? I'm surprised they didn't exorcise me. When I was 13 or 14, I woke up outside, sitting on the doghouse, in my underwear. The door I went out was locked, so I still am not sure what happened.

5. I can curl my toes underneath my feet and walk on the toe-knuckles like a gorilla. Someday, I just know all of my toes are going to break simultaneously as I do this and I will deserve it.

Read archived HaloScan comments

It's a bullet! It's Avitable! It's random shit for you to read!

• Check out my guest post on What Greg Likes, a great source for cool music.

• My birthday is in three days. It's still not too late to send me a birthday card or a gift! Send all correspondence to 605 Birch Blvd, Altamonte Springs, FL 32701. I'm gonna be 30, people! Old! Decrepit! Senile! I need some love from all of you if I'm going to survive.
• I'm operating at such a high level of stress right now that I actually don't want to work. I'd like to sit on the couch, watch movies, eat chocolate cake and cheeseburgers and not move from that spot for a few days. It's not going to happen, though - the only way to get rid of the stress is to alleviate it, which means working harder.
• If you haven't watched this week's 24, skip this bullet. If you have watched it, can you believe who Jack's brother was? That was fucking jaw-dropping! This show is so ludicrous that it's laughable, but it's so hard not to watch it!
• On the other hand, Heroes was completely boring this week. I'm so close to dropping it off my TV roster.
• In every relationship, the partners have a list - the random celebrities that he or she would sleep with given a chance. It doesn't erode the trust, it doesn't affect the relationship - it's just a fun little list. Who's on yours? Mine shows that I have a unique taste in women. #1. Sarah Silverman. #2. Amanda Peet. #3. Avril Lavigne. #4. Kristen Bell. #5. Alyson Hannigan.
• It's 12:04 AM Wednesday and I'm going to bed. Nothing left to say - see you tomorrow!

Read archived HaloScan comments

Mr. Fab did a few limericks, but couldn't come up with one for Avitable. So I decided to show him how a real poet does it.

There was a family named Avitable.
They made their home quite hospitable.
So they had lots of guests,
Who occasionally became pests,
And their subsequent murders were inevitable.

A hairy monkey bastard was Adam Avitable.
He had hair from his feet up past his mandibles.
He swung from a tree,
Tried to drink his own pee,
Fell down and is now very irritable.

It's true that all things are inevitable,
Especially the rise of a genius named Avitable,
He's smart as a whip,
As sharp as a snip,
It's just too bad he's so damn disagreeable.

And here's some more artwork for you - a family portrait:

Read archived HaloScan comments

Read archived HaloScan comments

Kal did this and I decided it would be a good Sunday post:

If you had to choose one vice in exclusion of all others what would it be?

That's an easy one. Sonny Crockett.

If you could change one specific thing about the world what would it be?

I'd go back in time and kill Peter Jackson as a baby so that we would never have had those abominations on film called the Lord of the Rings trilogy.

Name the cartoon character you identify with the most.

Cartoon character? Is Comic Book Guy (aka Louis Lane) from The Simpsons too much of a stretch? But he's the loser-type geek, so that doesn't work. Probably Space Ghost, then.

If you could live one day in your life over again which one would it be?

That day when I was out in Punxsutawney reporting on the groundhog. I remember waking up that morning and Sonny and Cher were playing on the radio "I Got You Babe". I met a friend of mine who sold insurance and tried to hook up with my producer, who looked a lot like Andie MacDowell. I'd love to live that day over and over again.

If you could go back in history and spend a day with one person who would it be?

I can't pick just one. William M. Gaines (co-founder of MAD Magazine). John Candy. Charlie Chaplin. Bill Hicks. George Burns.

What is the one thing you lost, sold or threw away that you wish you could have back?

Other than my soul? I really wish I could get back those racy photos I sold to "Gay Men's Quarterly". I was young and needed the money.

What is your one most important contribution to this world?

My church has brought enlightenment to tens of people. The contribution I'll eventually make to the gene pool will probably outshadow that.

What is your one hidden talent that nearly no one knows about?

I don't hide my talents. What's the point? I make sure each person knows about all of the hundreds of ways that I am talented.

What is your most cherished possession?

My glorious wonderful TV.

What one person influenced your life the most when growing up?

I have to pick one? William M. Gaines.

What one word describes you better than any other?

Hugepenis. And if you sticklers are going to say that doesn't count, then "sarcastic". Intelligent. Twisted. Evil. Amusing. I don't know. Go fill out my Johari window and you tell me!

UPDATE: Here's my Nohari window, with negative personality attributes. If you fill it out, put your fuckin' name. Don't be a pussy and be anonymous - nothing you can ever say will hurt my feelings or make me dislike you. I'm fully aware of every single one of my negative attributes. I revel in most of them!

Read archived HaloScan comments

I'm going to make a stand here and say that other than operating in a medical, life-saving capacity, nothing is more stressful than running your own business, especially when you have employees who depend on you for income.

This is going to be very true when the company is in its first 2-4 years, so it is struggling to find its place in the market. Every two weeks just becomes a challenge to make sure that you can make payroll and pay the bills that keep the company going. As the company grows and gets stronger, you know that revenue coming in will be more consistent, your branding will be even more recognizable, and you'll become entrenched in the dynamics of the profession. But in the here and now, it's all about making enough so that each employee gets paid on time, the supplies get ordered and paid for, your marketing keeps running, and you don't take a step backwards.

Internally, I'm aware that it will work out. I don't fail when I've set out to accomplish something. Ever. However, there are the rare fleeting moments where I have self-doubt. Those just get filed away to keep me humble once things are as smooth and easy as they will be in a couple of years.

Read archived HaloScan comments