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Today was not my day . . .

So as I was suspending myself from my testicles attached to a rope in the ceiling so that I could properly masturbate to a video of a woman giving a horse a blowjob, the doorbell rang. I answered the door al natural, and the Girl Scouts ran off screaming, dropping a box of cookies. I picked them up and chased after the girls yelling “I have your goodies!” and while doing this, the rope tied to my scrotum caught my dog’s collar and she was dragged after me.

Running after two girls who were faster than I was while dragging a dog by my testicles was exhausting, so I decided to sit down on a nearby traffic cone. Much to my chagrin, the cone went halfway up my ass and became lodged there. Standing seemed only to secure the cone there, so I decided to return home, dog attached to my balls and orange traffic cone sticking at a 45 degree angle out of my ass.

Upon returning home, I discovered that the front door was locked. Frustrated, I went around to the side yard to climb over the fence. While clambering over, I caught my penis in a knothole on one of the boards at the same time that I spotted the neighbor’s daughter sunbathing topless in the yard next door to me. My resulting erection caused me to be stuck firmly in the knothole, where I waited patiently, thinking of Margaret Thatcher. That just made it worse, so I thought about Dennis Rodman. The pain radiating from that throbbing erection almost made me pass out, so I thought of Rosie O’Donnell until the swelling went down.

Carefully extricating myself, I entered the backyard, dog in tow attached to my scrot, orange cone up my ass, splintered dick in hand. I walked up to the back porch, quietly opened the door, and decided to go back to bed.

And so goes another day in the life of Avitable . . .

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