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Ways to please your significant other

Here are some tips from me, Casanova Avitable, on ways to make your VD a memorable one:

1. When she’s least expecting it, stick a finger in her butt.

2. Flowers are passe. Try raccoon pelts.

3. In order to make sure that your sex tonight lasts as long as possible, have sex with four or five other people immediately beforehand so that you’re properly desensitized.

4. Two words: money shot.

5. GHB is great for an after-dinner mint.

6. Rather than be romantic in the mundane setting of your bedroom, try the front yard instead.

7. Stick the roast on your penis and ask her to eat it off. Watch out for grease burns!

8. Hanging artistic nudes of yourself around the house or apartment is a great way to subtly invite her into your bed.

9. As she pulls your pants off in an erotic fury, if you have her panties on underneath, she’ll be pleasantly surprised!

10. Record the entire event to video, mark it as “Wedding Ceremony”, and stick it in with all of your other personal videos.

11. Rather than using slow-burning, mood destroying candle wax, try lighter fluid.

12. If having sex doggystyle, slapping her hips, waving a lasso in the air, and shouting “Yeehaw!” are all good ways to show affection.

13. Smearing peanut butter on your crotches, especially if you own a dog, is a great way to get the foreplay out of the way quicker.

14. If your lover has a tongue ring, you can have some fellatio fun by slipping a small magnet down your urethra. Sure it will hurt like a motherfucker, but when she’s stuck down there, you’ll all enjoy a good laugh.

15. Finally: Never, ever, ever, ever let the woman orgasm. It’s a well-known fact that if she does, it causes brain damage and paralysis, so for her own safety, get in there, do your business, and finish as quickly as you can.

Update: For all of you retards who can’t use Google: GHB.

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