Before this post begins, I have an assignment for all of you:

I want the dirtiest, nastiest, raunchiest, most obscene smilies you can find. Just leave a comment with the URL, or email them directly to me at my first name at my last name dot com! I want smilies fucking and sucking and felching and fisting and shitting and pissing and coming and jerking and thrusting and probing and fingering and licking and biting and whipping and violating and spanking and twisting and turning and feeling and burning. You can help me compile the least tactful, most horrifying collection of smilies on the planet. Moohahahahaha!

And now onto your regularly scheduled post:

Since Saturday gets less traffic as usual, I normally don't post. But since I got fucking tagged by Bluepaintred, I figured I'd put this up there to showcase my wit and superior sense of humor.

1. LIST FOUR SENTENCES YOU’VE NEVER SAID BEFORE:

1. Grandma, please don't touch me in my no-no place.
2. No more food for me - I'm stuffed.
3. You're too young for me.
4. Thank you for sharing that wonderful material with me, dear Jehovah's Witness.

2. LIST ANY NUMBER OF SONG TITLES THAT DESCRIBE HOW YOU’VE FELT THIS WEEK:

• Monday: Dude (Looks Like a Lady), Aerosmith
• Tuesday: She-Bop, Cyndi Lauper
• Wednesday: Fuck the Police, NWA
• Thursday: I'm Too Sexy, Right Said Fred
• Friday: Maneater, Hall & Oates

3. IMAGINE YOU’RE HAVING THE IDEAL PERFECT DAY. WHAT FOUR THINGS WOULD YOU BE DOING?

1. Auto-fellating
2. Eating birthday cake and hamburgers
3. Listening to Avril Lavigne and Gwen Stefani on repeat
4. Watching Britt's newest porn video, The Brittanic.

4. MAKE UP FIVE CREATIVE NAMES FOR A NEW ROCK BAND:

1. Farting Upward
2. Life is Cheese
3. Omnivore
4. Avril Cover Band
5. Avitable

5. CONGRATULATIONS! YOU GET TO GO BACK IN TIME AND ENSURE THAT THREE SONGS WERE NEVER WRITTEN, THUS SPARING HUMANITY FROM EVER HAVING TO HEAR THEM. WHAT THREE SONGS WOULD GET THE AXE?

1. Another Brick In The Wall, Pink Floyd
2. Stairway to Heaven, Led Zeppelin
3. The entire Dave Matthews Band oeuvre

If you want to do this, feel free. I'm not going to be a bastard and tag you, like some fuckers.

Here we are, at the last round of Avitatrivia! Thanks to the 36 or so of you who asked questions. It's always fun, and you get to learn so much about your favorite talking gorilla! I'll announce the winner in tomorrow's post, so stay tuned, and let me know in the comments who you think asked the most creative and interesting question.

Jeff asks: "Do you walk to work or take your lunch?"

Duh. I ride my lunch to work.

Mist 1 asks: "What's your preferred flavor of lube for your midget/horse porn? Hay? Green apple? Other?"

I find that lube just gets messy. It's just easier to carry around a bottle of Wesson Corn Oil and a tub of Crisco.

Christie asks: "Who, do you think, would win in a battle to the death- the Hulk or Spiderman?"

I'm sure Dave, Joe and NYCWD will back me up on this, but once the Hulk got ahold of Spidey, he'd be paste. The only thing Spider-man could possibly do would be to get the Hulk to calm down, turn back into Bruce Banner, and then tear his head off. Although it's been shown that the Hulk will come to the surface before Bruce can be fatally injured. So, the Hulk. And, by the way, it's very impressive that you are the only one who managed to get an actual forthright answer out of me!

Miss Misery asks: "Who is your real life hero? (Meaning someone NOT from a comic, TV show or movie)"

Now that's not a fair question. I get all of my heroes from fiction. There is absolutely nobody real, dead or alive, that I could see as my hero. Except for myself. And Santa Claus. Hmm...maybe Ron Jeremy.

Grouch asks: "I have two questions.

In 2006 you met with bloggers CP and Fab. While you were engaging them in discourse which one of them was running around in your mind naked. And why? Please don't give me any clichéd answers like both of them, getting it on with a horse - or something to that effect.

Second, we transcend from the ridiculous to the sublime now. How do you like 'em boobs?"

When did horse sex become cliched, and why wasn't I notified? In the situation to which you're referring, neither of them were running around. In my head, CP was naked on her knees, polishing my knob like only a good Jewish American Princess can, and Mr. Fab was oiling himself up for some naked male wrestling. The non-gay kind. And he looks good naked, too. (CP is no slouch either).

With regards to your second question, boobs = good.

Denise asks: "If you could choose between being Hitler's sex slave and Big Bird's sex slave...which would you choose and why?"

Talk about a question that has kept me awake countless nights. Since you weren't clear, I'll have to assume that you're talking about the famous porn star Titler Hitler. I think I'd rather be her sex slave because she's definitely a pro. Having a 24-hour period where 3,422 men have sex with you to break a world record will make you an authority on penis/vagina relations. On the other hand, Big Bird doesn't seem to have any genitalia, so being his sex slave would be akin to being free and clear. Hmm. I think you've stumped me.

Tori asks: "Would you rather eat everything that comes out of your nose for a year... or everything that comes out of your ass for a week?"

That reminds me. Here's a link to a great German Scheisse video. Watch that and then tell me which option you think. Oh, and if I have to tell you that it's not safe for work, you're a retard.

MsFreud asks: "What kind of drugs have you done- which was the most fun or something you would try again were you afforded the opportunity of no consequences?"

Once, while high on coke, I robbed a small convenience store, got shot in the arm, ran away from a cop, tried to steal a car but couldn't get the steering block off, ran into someone's big backyard, fell asleep in their koi pond, and woke up naked with a duck on my head. That kicked ass. I think I'd try that again.

Paticus asks: "Why do people with the worst taste in music always seem to have the loudest car stereos?"

So I know who to target for my next shooting spree.

Cat asks: "What are your thoughts on the afterlife?"

The only thing I think about or care about is whether or not I'll be able to float around as a malicious spirit, peeking in girls' windows, haunting the people I hate, making stupid people pee themselves, and squirting my ectoplasmic goo everywhere.

Jhajha asks: "can u braid ur ass hair?"

I don't know. Can you type in such a way that you don't look like a fucking retarded twelve year old? Can you take the time to actually press down the "y" and the "o" keys on your keyboard so that you appear to have some semblance of maturity, intelligence, and class? Can you give me your URL so I can go to your blog and make fun of your rampant stupidity until you give up, crawl under the bed and asphyxiate from sobbing too much? Can you go back to third grade and see if you can manage to get a passing grade this time?

Here's round 2! Scroll down for the first round if you missed it.

NYC Watchdog asks: "Let's assume that you happen to be with another very drunk blonde blogger. Let's assume that this blogger also has a serious fascination with an artist formerly known as Squiggly Line. Let's assume that this blogger mistakes YOU for the artist formerly known as Squiggly Line. Let's assume that this is entirely hidden from the world and absolutely no one will find out about it. Let's assume that this blonde blogger offers themselves to you in every imaginable way... however the illusion may be broken at any second unless you wear a pair of women's stilleto pumps similar to what the artist formerly known as Squiggly Line wears.

Do you choose Red Velvet or Purple Faux Leather?"

I'll always stick with Purple Faux Leather when I'm wearing fuck me pumps. In fact, I'm wearing them right now.

Certifiable Princess asks: "If we know that the meaning of life is the reason that we cannot live forever, how can we possibly be happy if our level of consciousness does not perpetuate our right to free will and further, if we do not know the line between good and evil along with the fact that if there is a God and a purpose in life, then how did we get here, where are we going to and why is there something rather than nothing?"

Does a pepperoni ask itself why it's on the pizza? No.

Used*to*be*me asks: "Whose question are you going to answer first?"

Not yours.

Maritza asks: "Do you do any manscaping to your person?"

With a blowtorch, jackhammer, and a diamond-tipped drill, Raul, my manscaper, reshapes my all-over hirsute appearance into one resembling a stylish gorilla.

Stephanie asks: "If you hadn't met your wife, what do you think your life would be like today, and what would you be doing?"

If Amy hadn't stopped to take pity on that poor homeless man living outside of the law school, and hadn't given him a sandwich, I'd probably still be sleeping outside the law school. Or I would have been set on fire and beaten to death by teens in Saint Louis looking for a Friday night's fun.

Dave asks: "When I finally make it down to Orlando, what exciting activities do you have planned for us, and is there anything I need to bring other than my harness and some baby wipes?"

Well, there's this thing that us Central Floridians do called "manatee fucking". Don't worry - it's not like it sounds. Basically, we sneak into the springs, find a manatee, and fuck it. Well, I guess, in retrospect, it is exactly how it sounds. Hm. Bring a wetsuit.

Aly asks: "Are you having this questions session because you're not sure which story to tell next? That wasn't going to be my question, but I just realized I don't really want the answer to mine so nevermind."

The answer to your first question is an unqualified "Yes!" The answer to your real question which I telepathically know to be "Adam, where do babies come from?" is: Every spring, I fly around to the homes of all the wives and crackwhores who want babies and I sneak into their bedrooms and sprinkle them with magical sticky baby batter in their no-no place. And sometimes their mouths. Nine months later, a beautiful baby emerges, sometimes much to the woman's surprise! And in two years, if you're lucky, the Avitable Inseminator Fairy may come visit you in your sleep, too.

Crystal asks: "Since I see Hitler up there—where do you think he is? Or maybe what I'm asking is, do you believe in hell?"

I've learned recently that he's not actually alive and well and selling sandwiches inside a Chicago office building (if you get this reference, you win a prize!). So there goes that theory.

As far as hell is concerned . . . I think there might be a place where people who are immoral and vicious and cruel go to do things that they don't like. Hitler's probably forced to spin dreidels, Saddam Hussein is probably forced to look upon hot women baring their arms and legs, Pat Robertson will have to masturbate to gay porn (once he dies), and Anna Nicole Smith is probably forced to do simple math problems.

Miss Ann asks: "Where did you bury the body of Jimmy Hoffa and how did you get away with it for so long?

Also, which arrest was the most embarrassing and did you get protection from the Sisters or the Skinheads?"

He's not buried. He was part of every can of Hormel Chili made in August 1975. I don't know why everyone thinks it's so hard to hide a body! For your second question: my most embarrassing arrest was when I misunderstood my Colombian boss and tried to fly into the Miami airport with condoms full of heroines in my ass. I had Wonder Woman and She-Ra and Batgirl, and was arrested for lewd and lascivious activity with female action figures. After that, nobody would protect me. Except my heroines, of course!

Amy asks: "If there really is a God and your day comes and you have the opportunity for a chat. What 3 questions would you ask Him and why?"

First of all, God is clearly a woman. Who else would kick you out of your house for eating forbidden food and playing with your snake? Who else would be crazy and vengeful one minute and then apologetic and nice the next?

Anyways, I would ask the following questions:

1. Were you really watching everything I did? Even when I did it under the covers to a Victoria's Secret catalog?

2. Why did you make some people lucky enough to be able to autofellate themselves? Why are the rest of us cursed?

3. If I love Jesus, does that make me gay?

Tags: avitatrivia, questions, answers, avitable, avitable-isms

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Well, faithful readers, it's time to start answering some questions. Thank you for your hard-hitting and creative queries. As always, I only tell the truth and have bared my soul to each of you, so you'd better appreciate it and enjoy:

Jordie asks: "What do you consider the most heinous of all crimes? Historical, future, or present."

That's easy: one day, at 10:31 AM, the fucking woman behind that faceless speaker at Burger King would NOT serve me lunch.

Mistress Yoda asks: "If you were in prison do you think you'd be the master or the bitch and what would be your prison name?"

Once, after an unfortunate situation where I found myself incarcerated for being naked in the wrong highway rest area, I was faced with that very dilemma. Let's just say that it's a little from column A and a little from column B, and the Avitabator will never walk quite right.

Tracy Lynn asks: "What is the most outrageous thing you have ever had to do or have done to get out of trouble? Either with employers or wife or parents, etc."

Other than giving myself a facial rugburn trying to wipe ejaculate off? Well, once when I was with a friend at my boss's house at the beach, my boss died suddenly. In order to enjoy our weekend at his beach house, though, we rigged it so it looked like he was alive. Good ol' dead Bernie would have done the same, I'm sure.

Dawn asks: "What's the best side dish to serve with an elegant chocolate-covered burrito display?"

Clearly, a basket of french fries smothered in mayonnaise.

Poppy asks: "What's it like to be the envy of all men and the object of desire for all women? That sounds tiring..."

Well, it requires an ego the size of Texas, 43 gallons of hand lotion, lots of Tylenol, and three penises.

Hot Coffee Girl asks: "What would be the hardest decision you would have to make? (You don't have to decide, just name it.)"

If I could kill one person without any legal repercussions, who would it be?

Mr. Fabulous asks: "What would be the estimated weight of all your body hair? I need to know for the day I decide to lead an expedition down there one day to shave you."

Once a month, four dumptrucks full of Avitable body hair are dispatched to headquarters in South Florida, where they are made into pubic wigs for women who have changed their mind about looking as bare as an 11-year old girl. So, I think it's about 6 tons.

RW asks: "If you were in Pittsburgh would you lift your leg like a dog or dance with the cap on - and why?"

How dare you ask such a personal question!

Bluepaintred asks: "Baby oil or vegetable oil?"

I like my vegetables cooked in vegetable oil and my babies cooked in baby oil.

Dragon asks: "What do you think of 'Day of the Week' underwear? Did you ever wear them? What does wearing 'Day of the Week' underwear out of order say about a person?"

Day of the Week underwear? Never heard of them. I have 12 pairs of Month of the Year underwear.

Tug asks: "If you use a baseball bat-type thing to get a bull to ejaculate so you can test his semen, what do you use for a monkey?"

Usually my tongue. Sometimes I use someone else's tongue.

Miss Britt asks: "What's your take on the Madonna/Whore Complex?"

Well, Madonna is a whore. And I like her. It's not really that complex at all.

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Back about six months ago, I hosted a little question and answer session where I allowed you, my wonderful readers, to ask any question you'd like. I will answer all of them to the best of my ability. You can ask anything - sex, drugs, violence, love, hate, food, drink, clothing, money, finance, business, whatever you want.

Ask in the comments and I'll dedicate the next few posts to answering them. Each person may ask ONE question. The person who asks the best and most creative question (as judged subjectively by me) will win a prize. A cool prize.

So get asking and let AvitaTrivia begin!

Tags: avitatrivia, avitable, avitable-isms

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