Warning! If you are a family member or someone who knew me in elementary school, you don't want to read this. Trust me. You do not want to read this.

In fact, none of you probably want to read this. But the rest of you don't have a choice.

And yes, this is true.

I attended a small private Christian school from first grade through eighth. You've seen my first grade photo, so you get a sense of how small the school was.

In 1988, I was in sixth grade. My math class was split into beginner and intermediate, and I was in the intermediate, along with two girls. We had a test one day, which I finished in about ten minutes, as was typical. The two girls would take the entire hour, which was also typical.

So, since I was done early, I got to go to the library and read. Our library was a small room with about 10-15 shelves of books and a series of long tables between them. I went to the library, and the librarian wasn't there - probably at lunch. I looked around, and found a book that I had never seen before. It was something related to National Geographic, I think. And it had nudity!

I start reading it while sitting at the table there and, well, I was 11, so I got a hard-on. Since nobody was there, I just started jerking off like a little monkey.

Basically, I'm pushing back in my chair so I'm only on the back two legs, holding the book with one hand, and masturbating with the other.

...

So, of course, the librarian walks in. She doesn't see me, but I see her!

I try to stop, but I was basically just about done masturbating. So, in my rush, I lose my balance.

Fall over backwards.

Smack into a bookcase.

Knock the bookcase over.

At the same time, I ejaculate. The arc of my penis, along with falling, means that the come manages to hit me right in my own face, right before I hit the ground.

So, I immediately roll over face down on the floor and pretend like I'm hurt. The librarian runs to go get the nurse.

At the same time, I'm rubbing my face and exposed crotch on the carpet of the library, trying to wipe off everything. Then I zip up my pants and hide the book with the nudity so that they have no idea.

By the time they came back, I was sitting back down, looking a little red (and raw) in the face, holding my head, saying I was fine. I had also pulled out a Bible and laid it out on the table as if I had been reading that instead.

The two ladies put the bookcase back up, stare at the strange new spot on the carpet for a second, but then dismiss it and go back to their normal duties. And I sat there for the remainder of the hour and read the Bible.

And that's what happened in 1988.

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