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Sex

Yesterday afternoon I was working and had a brilliant idea for a blog post for today. “I should write it now,” I thought. “Nah, you’ll remember it in the morning,” I also thought. Well, fuck. I have completely forgotten what it was. So, instead, with this lack of inspiration, here is a Sex Meme that I took from Bluepaintred.

1. HAVE YOU GOTTEN LAID IN 2007? Let’s see. There was the dog ball-licking incident, the time that I was walking in the mall, bent over to tie my shoe and a guy with an erection ran into me, and the time I woke up naked with four vampire women biting me in various places. So, yes.

2. EVER HAD SEX IN A PUBLIC PLACE? I have learned the hard way that Mr. Toad’s Wild Ride at Disney actually has little cameras throughout the ride so that Disney employees can monitor everything.

3. EVER LAUGH DURING SEX? IF SO WHY? I don’t, but my wife does. I can’t figure out why . . .

4. EVER CRY DURING SEX? IF SO WHY? Every time, and only because it’s so darn special!

5. DO YOU LIKE TO CUDDLE AFTER SEX? There’s something comforting about a woman’s strong embrace after tender lovemaking. I mean, NO!

6. EVER REGRET SEX WITH SOMEONE? Luckily, I’m always the source of the regret.

7. EVER FAKED AN ORGASM? Yes. All I need is a small tube of warm tartar sauce, and we’re set.

8. DIRTY TALK, OR SHUT THE FUCK UP? Neither. I want my partner to talk like Elmo.

9. EVER HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX? No. I always carry a gun and pepper spray.

10. EVER MASTURBATE TO YOUR FRIEND’S SIGNIFICANT OTHER? That’s horrible! I just masturbate to my friends.

11. EVER HAVE A ONE NIGHT STAND? We have two nightstands. One has my alarm clock and one has hers.

12. EVER HAVE A THREESOME? Threesomes are so 1990. I have onesomes now.

13. EVER WATCH PORN DURING SEX? I am definitely interested in watching men with above average huge penises having sex for hours without stopping. Because that doesn’t set a standard or anything.

14. EVER THOUGHT OF SOMEONE ELSE DURING SEX? Usually Margaret Thatcher. Or Barbara Bush. Or Dom DeLuise.

15. HAS THE CONDOM EVER BROKEN? Only in my ass, so it was okay.

16. WHAT IS YOUR MOST EMBARRASSING SEXUAL EXPERIENCE? When I learned that not every boy has a detachable penis.

17. HOW OLD WERE YOU WHEN YOU LOST YOUR VIRGINITY? 18. Or do you mean vaginally?

18. WHO WOULD YOU LIKE TO HAVE SEX WITH RIGHT NOW? Anna Nicole Smith

19. DO YOU THINK THAT NUMBER 18 IS POSSIBLE? I’m fucking her ashes right now.

20. ARE YOU HORNY NOW? Ummmmughughummmmm hermmmmm…… ….. GAHHHHHHHH YEAH!. Nope. Not anymore.

21. HOW MANY SEXUAL PARTNERS? 49. Including that girl who touched me in first grade. Well, she was in first grade. I was 28.

22. DO YOU LIKE SEX IN THE CAR? Only in the trunk.

23. DO YOU STILL TALK TO THE PERSON YOU LOST YOUR VIRGINITY TO? I call my mom every Mother’s Day and birthday.

24. EVER HAVE SEX WITH A RELATIVE/FRIEND’S SIGNIFICANT OTHER? I normally like to keep it in the family, thank you very much.

25. EVER BEEN WITH A CHEATER? Is she one of the North Haverbrook Cheaters? Great family.

26. TOYS, GOOD OR BAD. I use Tickle-Me-Elmo to have my partner show me where I should touch them.

27. LINGERIE. I’ve always thought that the thong was a little uncomfortable, but I’ll wear it if I have to.

28. EVER SLEEP WITH A CO-WORKER? It’s a mandatory condition of employment.

29. WHERE HAVE YOU HAD SEX?
(x)park
(x)church
(x)cemetery
(x)beach
(x)boat
(x)school
(x)parent’s bed
(x)your bed
(x)car
(x)picnic table
(x)kitchen counter
(x)couch/chair
(x)dining room/kitchen table
(x)woods (open and/or in a tent)
(x)hood of a car
(x)bathroom
(x)shower
(x)bathtub
(x)the other person’s bed
(x)porch/deck/balcony
(x)in a house with parents home
(x)at a party
(x)on top of the washer/dryer
(x)with other people in the room
(x)hotel
(x)concert
(x)grandparent’s house
(x)field
(x)bleachers
(x)bookstore stock room.
(x)linen closet

(x)on national TV
(x)underwater
(x)in the balls at Chuck E. Cheese’s
(x)the roof
(x)walk-in freezer at McDonald’s
(x)grandmother’s hospital room bathroom
(x)tarmac
(x)on a pile of hundred dollar bills
(x)on a Ferris Wheel

I don’t tag, but I think everyone should do this liberating meme and get some of these secrets off of their breasts chest.

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