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Avitatrivia Answered: Round 1

Well, faithful readers, it’s time to start answering some questions. Thank you for your hard-hitting and creative queries. As always, I only tell the truth and have bared my soul to each of you, so you’d better appreciate it and enjoy:

Jordie asks: “What do you consider the most heinous of all crimes? Historical, future, or present.”

That’s easy: one day, at 10:31 AM, the fucking woman behind that faceless speaker at Burger King would NOT serve me lunch.

Mistress Yoda asks: “If you were in prison do you think you’d be the master or the bitch and what would be your prison name?”

Once, after an unfortunate situation where I found myself incarcerated for being naked in the wrong highway rest area, I was faced with that very dilemma. Let’s just say that it’s a little from column A and a little from column B, and the Avitabator will never walk quite right.

Tracy Lynn asks: “What is the most outrageous thing you have ever had to do or have done to get out of trouble? Either with employers or wife or parents, etc.”

Other than giving myself a facial rugburn trying to wipe ejaculate off? Well, once when I was with a friend at my boss’s house at the beach, my boss died suddenly. In order to enjoy our weekend at his beach house, though, we rigged it so it looked like he was alive. Good ol’ dead Bernie would have done the same, I’m sure.

Dawn asks: “What’s the best side dish to serve with an elegant chocolate-covered burrito display?”

Clearly, a basket of french fries smothered in mayonnaise.

Poppy asks: “What’s it like to be the envy of all men and the object of desire for all women? That sounds tiring…”

Well, it requires an ego the size of Texas, 43 gallons of hand lotion, lots of Tylenol, and three penises.

Hot Coffee Girl asks: “What would be the hardest decision you would have to make? (You don’t have to decide, just name it.)”

If I could kill one person without any legal repercussions, who would it be?

Mr. Fabulous asks: “What would be the estimated weight of all your body hair? I need to know for the day I decide to lead an expedition down there one day to shave you.”

Once a month, four dumptrucks full of Avitable body hair are dispatched to headquarters in South Florida, where they are made into pubic wigs for women who have changed their mind about looking as bare as an 11-year old girl. So, I think it’s about 6 tons.

RW asks: “If you were in Pittsburgh would you lift your leg like a dog or dance with the cap on – and why?”

How dare you ask such a personal question!

Bluepaintred asks: “Baby oil or vegetable oil?”

I like my vegetables cooked in vegetable oil and my babies cooked in baby oil.

Dragon asks: “What do you think of ‘Day of the Week’ underwear? Did you ever wear them? What does wearing ‘Day of the Week’ underwear out of order say about a person?”

Day of the Week underwear? Never heard of them. I have 12 pairs of Month of the Year underwear.

Tug asks: “If you use a baseball bat-type thing to get a bull to ejaculate so you can test his semen, what do you use for a monkey?”

Usually my tongue. Sometimes I use someone else’s tongue.

Miss Britt asks: “What’s your take on the Madonna/Whore Complex?”

Well, Madonna is a whore. And I like her. It’s not really that complex at all.

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