Avitable » Avitatrivia Answered: Round 2

Here's round 2! Scroll down for the first round if you missed it.

NYC Watchdog asks: "Let's assume that you happen to be with another very drunk blonde blogger. Let's assume that this blogger also has a serious fascination with an artist formerly known as Squiggly Line. Let's assume that this blogger mistakes YOU for the artist formerly known as Squiggly Line. Let's assume that this is entirely hidden from the world and absolutely no one will find out about it. Let's assume that this blonde blogger offers themselves to you in every imaginable way... however the illusion may be broken at any second unless you wear a pair of women's stilleto pumps similar to what the artist formerly known as Squiggly Line wears.

Do you choose Red Velvet or Purple Faux Leather?"

I'll always stick with Purple Faux Leather when I'm wearing fuck me pumps. In fact, I'm wearing them right now.

Certifiable Princess asks: "If we know that the meaning of life is the reason that we cannot live forever, how can we possibly be happy if our level of consciousness does not perpetuate our right to free will and further, if we do not know the line between good and evil along with the fact that if there is a God and a purpose in life, then how did we get here, where are we going to and why is there something rather than nothing?"

Does a pepperoni ask itself why it's on the pizza? No.

Used*to*be*me asks: "Whose question are you going to answer first?"

Not yours.

Maritza asks: "Do you do any manscaping to your person?"

With a blowtorch, jackhammer, and a diamond-tipped drill, Raul, my manscaper, reshapes my all-over hirsute appearance into one resembling a stylish gorilla.

Stephanie asks: "If you hadn't met your wife, what do you think your life would be like today, and what would you be doing?"

If Amy hadn't stopped to take pity on that poor homeless man living outside of the law school, and hadn't given him a sandwich, I'd probably still be sleeping outside the law school. Or I would have been set on fire and beaten to death by teens in Saint Louis looking for a Friday night's fun.

Dave asks: "When I finally make it down to Orlando, what exciting activities do you have planned for us, and is there anything I need to bring other than my harness and some baby wipes?"

Well, there's this thing that us Central Floridians do called "manatee fucking". Don't worry - it's not like it sounds. Basically, we sneak into the springs, find a manatee, and fuck it. Well, I guess, in retrospect, it is exactly how it sounds. Hm. Bring a wetsuit.

Aly asks: "Are you having this questions session because you're not sure which story to tell next? That wasn't going to be my question, but I just realized I don't really want the answer to mine so nevermind."

The answer to your first question is an unqualified "Yes!" The answer to your real question which I telepathically know to be "Adam, where do babies come from?" is: Every spring, I fly around to the homes of all the wives and crackwhores who want babies and I sneak into their bedrooms and sprinkle them with magical sticky baby batter in their no-no place. And sometimes their mouths. Nine months later, a beautiful baby emerges, sometimes much to the woman's surprise! And in two years, if you're lucky, the Avitable Inseminator Fairy may come visit you in your sleep, too.

Crystal asks: "Since I see Hitler up there—where do you think he is? Or maybe what I'm asking is, do you believe in hell?"

I've learned recently that he's not actually alive and well and selling sandwiches inside a Chicago office building (if you get this reference, you win a prize!). So there goes that theory.

As far as hell is concerned . . . I think there might be a place where people who are immoral and vicious and cruel go to do things that they don't like. Hitler's probably forced to spin dreidels, Saddam Hussein is probably forced to look upon hot women baring their arms and legs, Pat Robertson will have to masturbate to gay porn (once he dies), and Anna Nicole Smith is probably forced to do simple math problems.

Miss Ann asks: "Where did you bury the body of Jimmy Hoffa and how did you get away with it for so long?

Also, which arrest was the most embarrassing and did you get protection from the Sisters or the Skinheads?"

He's not buried. He was part of every can of Hormel Chili made in August 1975. I don't know why everyone thinks it's so hard to hide a body! For your second question: my most embarrassing arrest was when I misunderstood my Colombian boss and tried to fly into the Miami airport with condoms full of heroines in my ass. I had Wonder Woman and She-Ra and Batgirl, and was arrested for lewd and lascivious activity with female action figures. After that, nobody would protect me. Except my heroines, of course!

Amy asks: "If there really is a God and your day comes and you have the opportunity for a chat. What 3 questions would you ask Him and why?"

First of all, God is clearly a woman. Who else would kick you out of your house for eating forbidden food and playing with your snake? Who else would be crazy and vengeful one minute and then apologetic and nice the next?

Anyways, I would ask the following questions:

1. Were you really watching everything I did? Even when I did it under the covers to a Victoria's Secret catalog?

2. Why did you make some people lucky enough to be able to autofellate themselves? Why are the rest of us cursed?

3. If I love Jesus, does that make me gay?