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Avitatrivia Answered: Last Round

Here we are, at the last round of Avitatrivia! Thanks to the 36 or so of you who asked questions. It’s always fun, and you get to learn so much about your favorite talking gorilla! I’ll announce the winner in tomorrow’s post, so stay tuned, and let me know in the comments who you think asked the most creative and interesting question.

Jeff asks: “Do you walk to work or take your lunch?”

Duh. I ride my lunch to work.

Mist 1 asks: “What’s your preferred flavor of lube for your midget/horse porn? Hay? Green apple? Other?”

I find that lube just gets messy. It’s just easier to carry around a bottle of Wesson Corn Oil and a tub of Crisco.

Christie asks: “Who, do you think, would win in a battle to the death- the Hulk or Spiderman?”

I’m sure Dave, Joe and NYCWD will back me up on this, but once the Hulk got ahold of Spidey, he’d be paste. The only thing Spider-man could possibly do would be to get the Hulk to calm down, turn back into Bruce Banner, and then tear his head off. Although it’s been shown that the Hulk will come to the surface before Bruce can be fatally injured. So, the Hulk. And, by the way, it’s very impressive that you are the only one who managed to get an actual forthright answer out of me!

Miss Misery asks: “Who is your real life hero? (Meaning someone NOT from a comic, TV show or movie)”

Now that’s not a fair question. I get all of my heroes from fiction. There is absolutely nobody real, dead or alive, that I could see as my hero. Except for myself. And Santa Claus. Hmm…maybe Ron Jeremy.

Grouch asks: “I have two questions.

In 2006 you met with bloggers CP and Fab. While you were engaging them in discourse which one of them was running around in your mind naked. And why? Please don’t give me any clichΓ©d answers like both of them, getting it on with a horse – or something to that effect.

Second, we transcend from the ridiculous to the sublime now. How do you like ’em boobs?”

When did horse sex become cliched, and why wasn’t I notified? In the situation to which you’re referring, neither of them were running around. In my head, CP was naked on her knees, polishing my knob like only a good Jewish American Princess can, and Mr. Fab was oiling himself up for some naked male wrestling. The non-gay kind. And he looks good naked, too. (CP is no slouch either).

With regards to your second question, boobs = good.

Denise asks: “If you could choose between being Hitler’s sex slave and Big Bird’s sex slave…which would you choose and why?”

Talk about a question that has kept me awake countless nights. Since you weren’t clear, I’ll have to assume that you’re talking about the famous porn star Titler Hitler. I think I’d rather be her sex slave because she’s definitely a pro. Having a 24-hour period where 3,422 men have sex with you to break a world record will make you an authority on penis/vagina relations. On the other hand, Big Bird doesn’t seem to have any genitalia, so being his sex slave would be akin to being free and clear. Hmm. I think you’ve stumped me.

Tori asks: “Would you rather eat everything that comes out of your nose for a year… or everything that comes out of your ass for a week?”

That reminds me. Here’s a link to a great German Scheisse video. Watch that and then tell me which option you think. Oh, and if I have to tell you that it’s not safe for work, you’re a retard.

MsFreud asks: “What kind of drugs have you done- which was the most fun or something you would try again were you afforded the opportunity of no consequences?”

Once, while high on coke, I robbed a small convenience store, got shot in the arm, ran away from a cop, tried to steal a car but couldn’t get the steering block off, ran into someone’s big backyard, fell asleep in their koi pond, and woke up naked with a duck on my head. That kicked ass. I think I’d try that again.

Paticus asks: “Why do people with the worst taste in music always seem to have the loudest car stereos?”

So I know who to target for my next shooting spree.

Cat asks: “What are your thoughts on the afterlife?”

The only thing I think about or care about is whether or not I’ll be able to float around as a malicious spirit, peeking in girls’ windows, haunting the people I hate, making stupid people pee themselves, and squirting my ectoplasmic goo everywhere.

Jhajha asks: “can u braid ur ass hair?”

I don’t know. Can you type in such a way that you don’t look like a fucking retarded twelve year old? Can you take the time to actually press down the “y” and the “o” keys on your keyboard so that you appear to have some semblance of maturity, intelligence, and class? Can you give me your URL so I can go to your blog and make fun of your rampant stupidity until you give up, crawl under the bed and asphyxiate from sobbing too much? Can you go back to third grade and see if you can manage to get a passing grade this time?

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132 Replies to “Avitatrivia Answered: Last Round”

  1. DeniseTN

    Oh, you big hairy dork! You KNOW damn well that I was talking about ADOLF Hilter! I mean, GAWD, you have had ice cream and a car ride with him…so why not a little fucky-fucky?

    Big Bird has genitalia, it’s just hidden beneath the feathers. I hear that he’s hung like a Snuffleupagus.

  2. Avitable

    Britt, you don’t get cookies. They’re not carb-free.

    Amy, was I too harsh?

    Mist, but it works well with donkey porn.

    Kal, I had just shaved.

    Sheila, I can imagine the letter now. And the response.

    Denise, I’m sorry, but you can’t expect me to assume that you’re talking about Adolf Hitler! :mrgreen:

  3. Amanda

    you were totally right about the video being gag-worthy.

    First, Pink Flamingoes totally mentally screws me over whenever I have to take my dog out…

    And now this.

    Is there a way to avoid shitting altogether?

  4. Avitable

    RW, I know how much you love it when I post things that are crude and disgusting.

    Amanda, maybe have your intestines replaced with a low-matter teleportation device that immediately teleports all excretion to space.

    Mistress Yoda, I’d scare you alive again.

    Joefish, but you liked the octopus one?

    Tug, inside that beak is a long tongue.

    BPR, thanks for the props, gangsta.

  5. Amy

    No you were not too harsh… you were funny!


    Joe You did all this for him and he sent you the freaking octopus? I am SO sorry. And, no one knows what to think about the octopus. In fact, I think I blacked out and went to my happy place. I don’t remember an octopus… what octopus? 😯

  6. Webmiztris

    I don’t know about my favorite question, but you can bet your ass that your answer to Jhajha’s question was my favorite! You tell ’em, Avi! What a fuckwit.

    Oh, and I clicked. Why, God, WHY did I click! I almost want to say I’ve officially seen it all, but unfortunately I’m sure I haven’t. But that video made it damn close.

  7. Talamasca

    OMFG you’re such a fucking riot!!! And damn fuck me I completely missed this! Is there going to be an encore? :mrgreen: And I totally *pink puffy heart* (where the hell is the pink puffy heart icon/smiley anyway?) your new joint, yo! 😈

  8. Avitable

    Poppy, I’m working on it.

    Miss Britt, your gravatar will work shortly, I’m sure. Enjoy having a beard while you can.

    TMP, I know, aren’t they?

    Joefish, as long as you don’t feel turned on, it’s okay.

    Amy, you told me to send him the octopus! It’s your fault. I just now saw your other comment, too. Ooh, you are an evil whore!

    Steph, yeah, the octopus is a different video. You don’t want to watch that one, either.

    Dawn, thank you. I knew you’d appreciate that. Wasn’t that video horrible?

    Talamasca, I just added a pink puffy heart smiley just for you.

  9. CP


    No slouch? I’m no slouch? Are you shitting me? I am fabulous…more than Mr. Fabulous! And it is YOU who should be on his knees when I enter a room. Do you not yet know how this works? :ohgreatone:

    Don’t make me shave your back and put a flea collar on you, Bitch. πŸ‘Ώ

    C to the mutha fuckin P, baby!

  10. stephanie

    They are awesome! Though, are you still gonna be thanking her when I’m done playing with them all? :sex003:

    :dance: :poke: :drool: :doh: :tongue: :sex011: :sex012:

    :violent006: :violent018:



  11. Avitable

    Steph, you can play with my smiley anytime.

    Crys, I see that you were using the wrong email address originally, eh? Nice Gravatar, you comment whore! And asshair is only provided to the holiest of men.

    TMP, I aim to please.

    Amy, you look like you enjoy those spankings a bit too much.

    Mistress Yoda, banana sex is hot.

  12. Tug

    :omg: Damn, I stop the notifications for corporate & miss ALL the fun. :sex012:

    :cold: 18 flipping degrees here, & the party’s at Avi’s where it’s warm. Figures. :banghead:

  13. stephanie

    Yay, party in Avi’s comments!! Martini’s for EVERYONE!!!

    :martini: :martini: :martini: :martini: :martini: :martini: :martini: :martini: :martini: :martini: :martini: :martini: :martini: :martini: :martini: :martini: :martini: :martini: :martini: :martini:

    Though, I’m sure, knowing our Avi, he’d prefer the party to be in his pants. :rolleyes:

  14. Crys!

    i kept hitting refresh all day until the site came up and let me tell you, it’s NEVER up. but then in that one golden minute it was up, i signed up for an acct, and bam, there i am. it’s fabulous and look, here’s another comment! i am on fire. :sex001:

  15. Amy

    Avi, I hope you have learned your lesson. Sometimes, lessons can be hard… but, this is a good one. Never accuse us of being “girls” and then leave your blog unsupervised or un-Joe’d at the very least. :violent029:

  16. Crys!

    i like amy’s gravatar. i need to take a pic with a cosmo. or me and a banana and a cosmo. or me and a chainsaw and a banana and a cosmo. or me and a chainsaw and a banana and a cosmo and a six foot tongue. THAT’S the ticket

  17. Crys!

    you tipped 100 again. from this point on i will model every aspect of my life on your life. even the penis part. please show me your penis so i can take notes. i can barely make it out in the rainbow shorts.

  18. Crys!

    did you know i was a writer? it’s true. there’s so much you don’t know about me. Miss Britt too. i’m feeling so sentimental. i feel like i should share. i don’t know. i’m shy.

  19. Crys!

    no, please, i’m such a personal person. ok, maybe one thing. like the fact that i’m a writer. a really GREAT writer. yeah, take THAT. did you know i’m published? oh hell YEAH. i’m a ROMANCE writer. i write about BITS. people TOUCHING their bits. and people LOVE it. that’s something i’m very shy about, obviously. i won’t share anymore though, mainly because i’m also shy about usually being the top commenter, and people hating me for it

  20. Crys!

    did i mention i was a writer? probably, right? i’m a poet. TOTALLY. i also write commentary on religion because it’s a tool of the DEVIL. i feel, essentially, that i was born to be Jesus’ mouthpiece. like, if he had something to say still, which he probably doesn’t so much because he’s like, well, dead and all, but if he DID, he’d probably pick ME, and so i write articles, and i talk about prick people like FUNDAMENTALISTS and i laugh at them using my intellect which comes in GREAT QUANTITIES because my brain is big. i should stop. the shy thing, it gets to me

  21. Crys!

    the other thing about writers is that they are creative. and that’s me too. i’m creative in so many ways. first way is, i write. second way is, i write music, usually so i can sing it. did i mention i sing? it’s true. sing sing sing, sing a song. i should stop here, i am blushing—is there a blushing smiley? no? i’ll use this then, because it is the closest approximation, i imagine, of what you all must be doing in consideration of all i am sharing about my life on earth these short twenty one years: :clap:

  22. Crys!

    this feels so good. i am sitting here in the middle of the coffee shop which should be just for me but which isn’t, which is in fact populated with a bunch of pricks who feel they can come and drink coffee with me in this public place, and i am actually crying. first thing i should say avi, is that i am totally writing a romance with you as the lead guy. thing about romances is you need the guy to be ALPHA. you will be PERFECT FOR THIS. god i am on FIRE. you own your own company, you’re a lawyer. you’re alpha all day long, you practically have fangs. White Fang. yes. that’s what your name will be: W. F. Avitable. God, i have to step away, i am crying in the middle of the coffee shop with all these presumptuous pricks who do not deserve to be near me

  23. Avitable

    Tug, it’s a regular old party here.

    Crys, Britt just loves me more. It’s okay. She shows me her boobs.

    Steph, I thought you were 40?

    Crys, you are a writer and a poet and a songstress and a genius and a diva, but you are not twenty-one. Nice try slipping that one in there.

  24. Crys!

    also, you did not answer me about the picture of your inspiring penis upon which i will model the rest of my life—-which will be about oh, 80, 90 years given i’m approximately nine years younger than you

  25. Crys!

    have i told you Avi that RW lives somewhere RIGHT NEAR ME? it’s true. he’s reviewed restaurants located approximately right in my ass parts. he could be here right now. RW WHERE ARE YOU

  26. Crys!

    the cutest little petite girl just walked in. i hate petite girls, they are so cute. i am 5’9″, have i told you that? it stinks. in order to exacerbate my insecurity over being a veritable supermodel, i tend to wear clown shoes. you know, heels that are at least four inches tall. scaring men comes second nature to me. but this petitle little soccer mom with the pert boobs and bob haircut is so cute. she mocks me with her presence. it’s these people, all of these people. they are baboons. they are here to mock me. how can i write when they’re here? how can i sing?

    i have almost caught up to miss britt

  27. Avitable

    Crys, only the really special girls get to see the penis. And you don’t like boy’s bits anyways.

    So, did you have J. when you were 11? Hmmmm? The only way you have 21-year old boobs is if you had a boob job more than 10 years ago!!! πŸ™‚

    I know that RW lives near you. You should do dinner.

    My wife is 5’10”, so I know how you feel. Britt is going to destroy you tonight when she realizes she’s not #1 again!

    Where’s my poem?

  28. Crys!

    when did i tell you about my boob job!? and who is J?!

    the thing about my kid being 10 sort of relates back to me being the mouthpiece of Jesus. i never really like to talk about it because of all the holy implications. dammit all to hell, i’m getting shy again.

  29. Crys!

    …as for your wife, clearly we need to have a tall-off. when i come in September and we do drinks, we will both have to wear clown shoes and see who can cast the longest shadow :wave:

  30. Fuzu

    Ooh shoot i just wrote a long comment and when i hit post it came up blank! Please please tell me it worked properly? I dont want to write it again if i dont have to! Either the blog glitced out or i am just stuipd, the latter doesnt surprise me lol.

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