Here we are, at the last round of Avitatrivia! Thanks to the 36 or so of you who asked questions. It's always fun, and you get to learn so much about your favorite talking gorilla! I'll announce the winner in tomorrow's post, so stay tuned, and let me know in the comments who you think asked the most creative and interesting question.
Jeff asks: "Do you walk to work or take your lunch?"
Duh. I ride my lunch to work.
Mist 1 asks: "What's your preferred flavor of lube for your midget/horse porn? Hay? Green apple? Other?"
I find that lube just gets messy. It's just easier to carry around a bottle of Wesson Corn Oil and a tub of Crisco.
Christie asks: "Who, do you think, would win in a battle to the death- the Hulk or Spiderman?"
I'm sure Dave, Joe and NYCWD will back me up on this, but once the Hulk got ahold of Spidey, he'd be paste. The only thing Spider-man could possibly do would be to get the Hulk to calm down, turn back into Bruce Banner, and then tear his head off. Although it's been shown that the Hulk will come to the surface before Bruce can be fatally injured. So, the Hulk. And, by the way, it's very impressive that you are the only one who managed to get an actual forthright answer out of me!
Miss Misery asks: "Who is your real life hero? (Meaning someone NOT from a comic, TV show or movie)"
Now that's not a fair question. I get all of my heroes from fiction. There is absolutely nobody real, dead or alive, that I could see as my hero. Except for myself. And Santa Claus. Hmm...maybe Ron Jeremy.
Grouch asks: "I have two questions.
In 2006 you met with bloggers CP and Fab. While you were engaging them in discourse which one of them was running around in your mind naked. And why? Please don't give me any clichéd answers like both of them, getting it on with a horse - or something to that effect.
Second, we transcend from the ridiculous to the sublime now. How do you like 'em boobs?"
When did horse sex become cliched, and why wasn't I notified? In the situation to which you're referring, neither of them were running around. In my head, CP was naked on her knees, polishing my knob like only a good Jewish American Princess can, and Mr. Fab was oiling himself up for some naked male wrestling. The non-gay kind. And he looks good naked, too. (CP is no slouch either).
With regards to your second question, boobs = good.
Denise asks: "If you could choose between being Hitler's sex slave and Big Bird's sex slave...which would you choose and why?"
Talk about a question that has kept me awake countless nights. Since you weren't clear, I'll have to assume that you're talking about the famous porn star Titler Hitler. I think I'd rather be her sex slave because she's definitely a pro. Having a 24-hour period where 3,422 men have sex with you to break a world record will make you an authority on penis/vagina relations. On the other hand, Big Bird doesn't seem to have any genitalia, so being his sex slave would be akin to being free and clear. Hmm. I think you've stumped me.
Tori asks: "Would you rather eat everything that comes out of your nose for a year... or everything that comes out of your ass for a week?"
That reminds me. Here's a link to a great German Scheisse video. Watch that and then tell me which option you think. Oh, and if I have to tell you that it's not safe for work, you're a retard.
MsFreud asks: "What kind of drugs have you done- which was the most fun or something you would try again were you afforded the opportunity of no consequences?"
Once, while high on coke, I robbed a small convenience store, got shot in the arm, ran away from a cop, tried to steal a car but couldn't get the steering block off, ran into someone's big backyard, fell asleep in their koi pond, and woke up naked with a duck on my head. That kicked ass. I think I'd try that again.
Paticus asks: "Why do people with the worst taste in music always seem to have the loudest car stereos?"
So I know who to target for my next shooting spree.
Cat asks: "What are your thoughts on the afterlife?"
The only thing I think about or care about is whether or not I'll be able to float around as a malicious spirit, peeking in girls' windows, haunting the people I hate, making stupid people pee themselves, and squirting my ectoplasmic goo everywhere.
Jhajha asks: "can u braid ur ass hair?"
I don't know. Can you type in such a way that you don't look like a fucking retarded twelve year old? Can you take the time to actually press down the "y" and the "o" keys on your keyboard so that you appear to have some semblance of maturity, intelligence, and class? Can you give me your URL so I can go to your blog and make fun of your rampant stupidity until you give up, crawl under the bed and asphyxiate from sobbing too much? Can you go back to third grade and see if you can manage to get a passing grade this time?
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i am first
fuckers
i am not commenting cuz i haven't read the whole thing
but i am fucking first
send cookies
Comments by Miss Britt
I read the whole thing and then commented, I may be second, but I am an INFORMED second.
(Take that mah bitch!)
And, uh, damn Avi... tell us what you REALLY think!
Comments by Amy
Crisco is disappointing. The container suggests fried chicken or cherry pie, but inside...white stuff. Blech.
Comments by Mist 1
Well, from the looks of that video, your ass was much less hairy than I'd have suspected...
Comments by Kal Jones
You should email Seseme Street and see if they can answer whether or not Big Bird does have genitalia... it might help with that dilemma.
Comments by Sheila
Oh, you big hairy dork! You KNOW damn well that I was talking about ADOLF Hilter! I mean, GAWD, you have had ice cream and a car ride with him...so why not a little fucky-fucky?
Big Bird has genitalia, it's just hidden beneath the feathers. I hear that he's hung like a Snuffleupagus.
Comments by DeniseTN
Britt, you don't get cookies. They're not carb-free.
Amy, was I too harsh?
Mist, but it works well with donkey porn.
Kal, I had just shaved.
Sheila, I can imagine the letter now. And the response.
Denise, I'm sorry, but you can't expect me to assume that you're talking about Adolf Hitler! :mrgreen:
Comments by Avitable
Shit. I was really interested in that ass hair one, too.
Comments by RW
you were totally right about the video being gag-worthy.
First, Pink Flamingoes totally mentally screws me over whenever I have to take my dog out...
And now this.
Is there a way to avoid shitting altogether?
Comments by Amanda
In the afterlife I'm hoping all my blogger buddies are still alive so I can see what they really do everyday :twisted:
Comments by Mistress Yoda
Definitely, Hulk over Spider-Man.
Also, I should've taken your word for it on that video. I didn't really need to see that.
Comments by Joefish
I think Big Bird's beak would just hurt. Or get in the way.
And little jhajha is probably sporting a mohawk like his hero Sanjaya today...heh.
Comments by Tug
What is up mah ho!! Mah Bitch said to tell you HI! Welcome to the hood!
Comments by bluepaintred
:o)
Comments by bluepaintred
RW, I know how much you love it when I post things that are crude and disgusting.
Amanda, maybe have your intestines replaced with a low-matter teleportation device that immediately teleports all excretion to space.
Mistress Yoda, I'd scare you alive again.
Joefish, but you liked the octopus one?
Tug, inside that beak is a long tongue.
BPR, thanks for the props, gangsta.
Comments by Avitable
Who wins????
Comments by Poppy
LOL - bluepaintred - that is AWESOME!!!!
I just logged in here, and I can already tell I'm gonna get a little giggle every time I have to use the password you gave me. :-D
Comments by Miss Britt
and yet I'm still a man with a beard? wtf??
Comments by Miss Britt
Never mind. I can't read. I am the .000001% of illiterate bloggers.
Comments by Poppy
Very interesting thoughtful answers.
Comments by themuttprincess
I'm still not sure what to think about the octopus. Or maybe I'm trying to avoid thinking about the octopus.
Comments by Joefish
No you were not too harsh... you were funny!
Brilliant!
Joe You did all this for him and he sent you the freaking octopus? I am SO sorry. And, no one knows what to think about the octopus. In fact, I think I blacked out and went to my happy place. I don't remember an octopus... what octopus? :shock:
Comments by Amy
And, would this be a bad time to start advertising for tonight's Avi show? :twisted:
Comments by Amy
Octopus? What octopus?? And if it's in the video, I still wouldn't know, because I sure ain't watching it!!! (I know enough to read the comments first... I'm smart like that.)
Comments by stephanie
I don't know about my favorite question, but you can bet your ass that your answer to Jhajha's question was my favorite! You tell 'em, Avi! What a fuckwit.
Oh, and I clicked. Why, God, WHY did I click! I almost want to say I've officially seen it all, but unfortunately I'm sure I haven't. But that video made it damn close.
Comments by Webmiztris
OMFG you're such a fucking riot!!! And damn fuck me I completely missed this! Is there going to be an encore? :mrgreen: And I totally *pink puffy heart* (where the hell is the pink puffy heart icon/smiley anyway?) your new joint, yo! :twisted:
Comments by Talamasca
Poppy, I'm working on it.
Miss Britt, your gravatar will work shortly, I'm sure. Enjoy having a beard while you can.
TMP, I know, aren't they?
Joefish, as long as you don't feel turned on, it's okay.
Amy, you told me to send him the octopus! It's your fault. I just now saw your other comment, too. Ooh, you are an evil whore!
Steph, yeah, the octopus is a different video. You don't want to watch that one, either.
Dawn, thank you. I knew you'd appreciate that. Wasn't that video horrible?
Talamasca, I just added a pink puffy heart smiley just for you.
Comments by Avitable
No slouch? I'm no slouch? Are you shitting me? I am fabulous...more than Mr. Fabulous! And it is YOU who should be on his knees when I enter a room. Do you not yet know how this works? :ohgreatone:
Don't make me shave your back and put a flea collar on you, Bitch. :evil:
C to the mutha fuckin P, baby!
Comments by CP
Thanks for that video.
Now I will never be able to eat another 7-11 Burger Bite again.
:doh:
Comments by NYC Watchdog
CP, does that mean no more knobjobs?
NYCWD, I can't believe you would in the first place. Ew.
Comments by Avitable
Sweet! Check out the new smilies!!
I'm cold! :cold:
And just for fun...
Comments by stephanie
Yeah, thanks to Robin for the new smiley pack! (Plus a few that I added on my own.)
Comments by Avitable
They are awesome! Though, are you still gonna be thanking her when I'm done playing with them all?
:violent006:
hee!
Comments by stephanie
wait, people have asshair?
Comments by Crys!
WTF is up with Chrys and Tug and their insane amount of comments?!!?!?
Comments by Miss Britt
there is no h
Comments by Crys!
I would expect nothing less from ya.
Cheers!
Comments by themuttprincess
plus that was my only one! now this is two though
Comments by Crys!
and check out my hot gravatar. this makes three
Comments by Crys!
I think I'm addicted to these smilies!! :help:
:evil:
Comments by stephanie
Yes... I'm a naughty, naughty whore. That's me.
Comments by Amy
Comments by Mistress Yoda
Steph, you can play with my smiley anytime.
Crys, I see that you were using the wrong email address originally, eh? Nice Gravatar, you comment whore! And asshair is only provided to the holiest of men.
TMP, I aim to please.
Amy, you look like you enjoy those spankings a bit too much.
Mistress Yoda, banana sex is hot.
Comments by Avitable
i am not a comment whore, i am a comment madame. i see you have a cosmo. rock.
Comments by Crys!
what are these bastards doing —>
Comments by Crys!
I think that's leg humping, comment madame.
Comments by Avitable
i get sexy ideas when i come to your site, avi. especially from that kid in the hot rainbow shorts and all
Comments by Crys!
:omg: Damn, I stop the notifications for corporate & miss ALL the fun. :sex012:
:cold: 18 flipping degrees here, & the party's at Avi's where it's warm. Figures.
Comments by Tug
But if this damn wind keeps up I'll be at your place soon Avi - got a drink ready?
Comments by Tug
Ooh! I'll have one of those with ya, Tug!!
Maybe two...
Or was that three?
*burp*
Comments by stephanie
I won't count if you don't! :cool:
Comments by Tug
I definitely won't keep count then!!
Comments by stephanie
:whistle: Mayyyyybe. :evil:
Comments by Amy
Yeah...but he never calls me in the morning :confused:
Comments by Mistress Yoda
Comments by Tug
Yay, party in Avi's comments!! Martini's for EVERYONE!!!
Though, I'm sure, knowing our Avi, he'd prefer the party to be in his pants. :rolleyes:
Comments by stephanie
The party would be in my pants, if I wore pants.
So I guess the party is just on my crotch!
Woohoow!
Comments by Avitable
:omg:
LMFAO!!!
Comments by stephanie
:help:
I give up. There is no keeping up with these bitches.
:sex001:
Comments by Miss Britt
OMG are these NUMCHUCKS??!?!?!?! :whosnext:
Comments by Miss Britt
i wanna new smilie pack!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Comments by Miss Britt
just jump on the banana and ride with me—we travel together, lovely. it's not that hard
Comments by Crys!
and a gravatar - what the fuck!?!?!?!? how do you DOOOOOOO that?!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Comments by Miss Britt
i kept hitting refresh all day until the site came up and let me tell you, it's NEVER up. but then in that one golden minute it was up, i signed up for an acct, and bam, there i am. it's fabulous and look, here's another comment! i am on fire. :sex001:
Comments by Crys!
:whip: when you're not looking the whip thing totally gets between the nunchuk thing. i take your eye out and everything. you die. you DIE. :whip:
Comments by Crys!
I am so getting left in the dust on these comments.
Comments by Joefish
Don't worry about it Joe! You know we
you!!!
Here, have a martini:
Comments by stephanie
:rock:
Party @ Avi's......
Comments by themuttprincess
It's like coming home and finding a whole bunch of teenagers partying in your house.
I'm calling the cops!
Comments by Avitable
Oh, and Britt, your gravatar will show up soon enough, I'm sure.
Comments by Avitable
I'm hurt, you ignored MY comment :whack: :sad:
Comments by Mistress Yoda
Here, have a martini
Comments by stephanie
Mistress Yoda, I'm having a talk with that banana right now. He'll treat you right, by gum!
Comments by Avitable
Good, because I can't take anymore heartbreak from him :unsure:
Comments by Mistress Yoda
I happen to have it on pretty good authority that if YOU came home and found a bunch of teenagers in your house - you'd only make the boys leave.
Comments by Amy
Damn.
You know me too well.
Comments by Avitable
By gum?! Who says that?!
And, I agree with Amy's observation about only making the boys leave. (Send them over here, please?)
(I dunno, I like that one.)
Comments by Poppy
Wow. After the insane amount of comments here the past couple days, I'm glad I turned off the pop-ups of 'Tact is for Pussies'. hee. :lmfao:
Comments by Tug
But the CFO that is down is awesome...he'd probably get a kick out of it. Maybe tomorrow.