Avitable » The winner and more

Thanks for playing Avitatrivia! After carefully reviewing all the questions everyone asked, I had a difficult decision to make:

Do I go with the retarded question that made me chuckle?

The overly complicated one that made me think of boobs?

The one by my favorite blogger?

In the end, I decided to pick the one that had the best juxtaposition of humor and horror and the best chance of some great gallows humor.

And, the winner is . . .

Denise, for her question, "If you could choose between being Hitler's sex slave and Big Bird's sex slave...which would you choose and why?"

For managing to bring up images of mass genocide, Jim Henson, anal sex, mustachioed personas of evil, erect penises, and Snuffleupagus all at once, Denise wins a personal Avitable sketch! Check your email, Denise!

Now, for some other random pieces of discussion:

Now that I'm #2 on Google for the search "how to get wife into fisting", I've decided that my competitive self is going to force me to become #1. So here are some tips for the adventurous husband who wonders how to get his wife into fisting! First, get her naked. Use whatever means you want to make that happen. Second, make her fall over on her back with her legs in the air. Ask her to impersonate a dead cat or something equally romantic. Next, tell her to close her eyes, relax, and dream of non-invasive things. Finally, squat and perform the Bruce Lee monkey-paw thrust until your arm is up to your elbow inside your wife. Move your hand side to side inside her like a spastic pitcher warming up. Don't forget to mix up jazz hands and spirit fingers for that magic fisting touch! And voila! You have just figured out how to get your wife into fisting!
If you're a fan of Kermit the Frog, Nine Inch Nails, Johnny Cash or even if you're not, you need to watch this video. I have not seen something as equally horrifying, amusing and sad in quite some time. It is safe for work.
Guys, don't you hate it when you go to take a leak but you've got a bit of a problem and urine simultaneously sprays about fourteen different ways and now when some poor little retarded kid goes into the handicapped stall at the movie theater after you, his life is going to be ruined forever?
One of my favorite bitches, Amy, decided to make this lovely animation of the Flying Avitable Sperm Fairy after my explanation of where babies come from See it below.
I have to get up in six hours but I'm not tired. Tomorrow's going to be a looong day.

Jazz hands and Spirit fingers idea courtesy of Britt

If you're new to the horrors of Avitable.com, don't miss out. Subscribe to my RSS feed!

I'm not really sure how I got here, I seem to have clicky fingers this morning, but this is one very funny place! love it.

Comments by TopBlogMag

comment by TopBlogMag Friday, March 30, 2007 @ 2:15 am

All the good questions were asked so I missed out on that :unsure:

That video is great!

Comments by Misfit Duck

comment by Misfit Duck Friday, March 30, 2007 @ 2:51 am

Wow! That was a VERY well deserved win for Denise!

Comments by DutchBitch

comment by DutchBitch Friday, March 30, 2007 @ 4:53 am

That's a damn good video, but Amy's animation of Flying Avi Sperm Fairy is awesome!

Comments by Geeky Tai-Tai

comment by Geeky Tai-Tai Friday, March 30, 2007 @ 4:58 am

Amy's picture is SO going on the ceiling of our bedroom...

Comments by Mr. Fabulous

comment by Mr. Fabulous Friday, March 30, 2007 @ 6:02 am

I'm a wiener! NOW my life is complete and has meaning. I will treasure this award for the rest of my life.

Nice dress...pinky-purple is so YOU!

BTW, don't forget to use a little lube on those spirit fingers...they move much easier that way.

Comments by DeniseTN

comment by DeniseTN Friday, March 30, 2007 @ 6:03 am

[...] proud and happy and well...now my life is complete. I entered a little trivia contest over at Avi's brand-spanking-new blog. My question won: "If you could choose between being Hitler's [...]

Comments by Mental Excrements » I'm a weiner!

pingback from Mental Excrements » I'm a weiner! Friday, March 30, 2007 @ 6:09 am

TopBlogMag, thanks for the visit, unless you're just a traffic whore.

Misfit Duck, there are always good questions!

DutchBitch, it was a difficult decision.

Geeky, yeah it is!

Mr. Fabulous, poor Mrs. Fab.

Denise, pinky-purple is what I'm wearing right now, coincidentally.

Comments by Avitable

comment by Avitable Friday, March 30, 2007 @ 8:01 am

Congratulations, Denise!

(Tug, sorry I couldn't bribe the judge well enough...)

Avi, I think you should strive for being #1 for women fisting their husbands in reciprocation. The Kermit video is NSFW if you work in a methadone clinic. I pee all over public bathroom stalls all the time. And, that fairy photo is adorable!

Comments by Poppy

comment by Poppy Friday, March 30, 2007 @ 8:02 am

You are so sexy in pink :whip:

Comments by Mistress Yoda

comment by Mistress Yoda Friday, March 30, 2007 @ 8:15 am

Seeing Avitable Sperm Fairy just makes me want to see your 50 Things video, because I never even knew that's where babies come from. What other secrets to life are you keeping?
:rock: :rock:

Comments by Dave2

comment by Dave2 Friday, March 30, 2007 @ 8:17 am

You know something? You can totally pull off the "hairy princess ballerina holding a bag of sperm" look. And I don't say that to just anybody. :wink:

Comments by Dragon

comment by Dragon Friday, March 30, 2007 @ 9:25 am

I threw up crickets once too. I feel Kermit's pain.

Comments by Mist 1

comment by Mist 1 Friday, March 30, 2007 @ 9:47 am

Poppy, I can't encourage that kind of behavior on the behalf of men everywhere.

Mistress Yoda, I'm sexier in clear.

Dave, there are plenty. And thanks for reminding me! I am working on that video as we speak!

Dragon, aww, shucks.

Mist, did you blow Rolf, too?

comment by Avitable Friday, March 30, 2007 @ 9:56 am

Yay Denise!!!

And, did you know you're totally in style with that dress, Avi? Poofy skirts are IT for spring

Comments by stephanie

comment by stephanie Friday, March 30, 2007 @ 10:36 am

Avi - You look hot in the pink fairy dress. Can I hire you for parties? But you'd have to bring the sperm bag too.

Comments by Heather

comment by Heather Friday, March 30, 2007 @ 10:50 am

So disappointing...

And now I'm spending 20 minutes trying to find the emoticon I actually want to use.

:D I guess?

comment by Poppy Friday, March 30, 2007 @ 10:54 am

Oh, wait!

:dazed:

No, no.

:crazy:

Hmm. Emoticons that move freak me out.

comment by Poppy Friday, March 30, 2007 @ 10:55 am

I love ruining the lives of children in the handicapped stall at ANY public place. Does that make me mean?

Comments by NYC Watchdog

comment by NYC Watchdog Friday, March 30, 2007 @ 11:03 am

I love when you wear that dress!

Comments by Jordie

comment by Jordie Friday, March 30, 2007 @ 11:18 am

Hahaha, WTF is this Adam?

Steph, can you get me a matching handbag?

Heather, I'll spread my magical seed wherever I'm needed.

Poppy, they're awesome!

NYCWD, nah. It is fun to do.

Jordie, only for you. And that's clearly censored banana bangin'!

comment by Avitable Friday, March 30, 2007 @ 11:30 am

Absolutely Avi! Would you prefer Marc Jacobs or Kate Spade? Or maybe Prada or Fendi? Whatever your fancy.

:cheesy:

comment by stephanie Friday, March 30, 2007 @ 11:32 am

Sad Kermit makes me want to laugh and cry.

Comments by Joefish

comment by Joefish Friday, March 30, 2007 @ 11:33 am

yay on the vid.

what would you say if i commisioned you to draw a picture of me germane to my website? that might be hot. i think i need a new banner or something for my sidebar. you are genius

Comments by Crys!

comment by Crys! Friday, March 30, 2007 @ 11:39 am

Steph, I like the new Fendis.

Joefish, same here. It's heartbreaking (especially that shot of Henson) and hilarious.

Crys, sure. I accept payment in the form of boobies.

comment by Avitable Friday, March 30, 2007 @ 11:41 am

But, I think you need a pink bag to go with the pink dress... This one is stylish AND hawt (just like you)

http://www.dellamoda.com/marc-jacobs-cammie-handbag-582.html

comment by stephanie Friday, March 30, 2007 @ 11:45 am

I want to hear what mrs. avi has to say about this fisting thing. :what:

loved the kermit vid.....LOL

Comments by Webmiztris

comment by Webmiztris Friday, March 30, 2007 @ 12:46 pm

Avitable, you are hysterical. And it rhymes too, so score one for me.

I wish I was that talented in drawing. By the way, I'll have fun with these smilies! :sex012: :violent006: :whip: :evil: :dunno: :dazed: :ohgreatone: :cool: :blush:

Comments by Miss Misery

comment by Miss Misery Friday, March 30, 2007 @ 1:11 pm

After seeing my little pic all live and shit... I have to say, there is something REALLY wrong with me!

As if my mass commenting spree last night didn't indicate that already.

Go me! :blush:

Comments by Amy

comment by Amy Friday, March 30, 2007 @ 1:51 pm

Steph, very cute. Good suggestion.

Dawn, I didn't say I practice it!

Miss Misery, I'm sure you can draw better than me!

comment by Avitable Friday, March 30, 2007 @ 1:53 pm

I got to all that effort for you and you don't even respond to my comments???? Pffft. :whosnext:

comment by Amy Friday, March 30, 2007 @ 1:57 pm

Yawza! That pink dress/fairy attire is HOT! I can see lotsa people bangin to that! Way to go Amy! :rock:

Comments by themuttprincess

comment by themuttprincess Friday, March 30, 2007 @ 2:25 pm

because I'm a tard.. and I'm playing ANTM !!!!!

Comments by rachel

comment by rachel Friday, March 30, 2007 @ 3:11 pm

Amy, I responded to your comment whorefest last night!

TMP, you should see the actual photo that it's based on.

Rachel, ANTM? America's Next Top Model the game?

comment by Avitable Friday, March 30, 2007 @ 3:14 pm

What the fuck did Crys do??

Seriously - that chic needs to. i demand you ban her IP address IMMEDIATELY.

AND... I cannot believe you didn't give me credit for the spirit fingers. And the jazz hands. That was ALL me!!! :tongue:

Comments by Miss Britt

comment by Miss Britt Friday, March 30, 2007 @ 3:15 pm

Britt, clearly Crystal loves me more. And I did give you credit - you must be blind.

comment by Avitable Friday, March 30, 2007 @ 3:19 pm

all i did was SHARE. give of MYSELF. all i did was WRITE. about FANGS. about ALPHA men.

it was enchanting. TELL HER avi.

comment by Crys! Friday, March 30, 2007 @ 4:37 pm

oh and she still doesn't have a gravatar. honestly, if she loved you like i loved you, there'd be boobs and those boobs would be in a gravatar of some sort. this woman is playing with your heart avi, and it pains me terribly to watch. i almost want to cry again. please don't make me.

god, i feel the poetry—it's coming again— :wave:

comment by Crys! Friday, March 30, 2007 @ 4:38 pm

for right now, in this hour, this is my favorite smiley:

comment by Crys! Friday, March 30, 2007 @ 4:41 pm

one more quick comment about love and how honestly, i am the purveyor of great love—nay, the author of it. it comes out of my soul. do you think Gerard Butler googles his name? do you think he even cares, now that he's made the movie of his lifetime what with this whole Leonidas gig? because he's so hot. his abs, did you see them? did they turn you gay? probably, right? he's so hot. well Gerard, if you're out there all googling your name and stuff, and you happen to see me and my very hot gravatar, and you know, you're all over there in scotland with your burr and your kilt and you kind of think i'm cute—

WHICH I TOTALLY AM—

and if you're thinking to yourself "well you know, i need a poetess in my life"

and then it occurs to you as you're reading this comment THAT I AM A POETESS –

BECAUSE I AM–

plz drop me a line vis-a-vis my very rockin website crystalanne.org because you are very hot my sexy scottish brother

comment by Crys! Friday, March 30, 2007 @ 4:43 pm

i almost used that smiley above gerard, but that would have been tacky, and i am a class act all the way. married too but i didn't mention that because that's tacky as well. shhhhhhh

comment by Crys! Friday, March 30, 2007 @ 4:44 pm

:help:

comment by Crys! Friday, March 30, 2007 @ 4:46 pm

< — me and miss britt foreva

I didn't ask you any question.
I feel like I know too much already... :dazed:

Comments by annie

comment by annie Friday, March 30, 2007 @ 5:44 pm

annie is here! yay!

comment by Crys! Friday, March 30, 2007 @ 6:40 pm

Miss B is going out tonight... guaranteed she'll get drunk and go on another commenting rampage. :evil: and yet, ya gotta love her. :ohgreatone:

comment by Amy Friday, March 30, 2007 @ 7:27 pm

I am NOT going out and getting drunk tonight. I am going to the casino - the DRY casino (fuckin' Iowa).

I give so much love... I don't even need to justify it.

But you can guarantee I will make him cry. Weep, in fact, as he begs for more.

comment by Miss Britt Friday, March 30, 2007 @ 7:34 pm

wait, Iowa? that ain't so far, hon. that ain't so far at all!

comment by Crys! Friday, March 30, 2007 @ 7:38 pm

How happy are you that everyone is indulging your comment whore side? I'm not sure what I'd do with this many comments in one day. I'd never get any work done. We are very loyal readers.

I think I'm picking the bananas just for fun.

:sex012:

comment by Poppy Friday, March 30, 2007 @ 8:13 pm

Yeah... but I'm gonna be in Orlando in 14 days. :nana:

comment by Miss Britt Friday, March 30, 2007 @ 8:18 pm

Crystal, you're always number one in my book, even if you don't stay as the top commenter.

Annie, that is probably true. I have no shame.

Amy, I'm hoping for another funny conversation that I can record and turn into more sound clips. Hey, where's the site update, huh?

Britt, it's okay if you bring liquor disguised as water. And I don't know if Orlando is ready for you.

Poppy, I'm enjoying it. Keeping up with everyone is quite a task, though.

comment by Avitable Friday, March 30, 2007 @ 9:11 pm