Since I recently have brand new dirty smilies (thank you to Denise, Julianne, DutchBitch, Liquid and someone who shall remain anonymous), I decided that a meme about sex (among other things) would be appropriate for today. Britt's doing the same meme, so check out her answers, too. Although mine will certainly be more entertaining than her whitebread midwestern shit.
- Is sex best in the morning, afternoon, or night?
- On which side of the bed do you sleep?
- Pork, beef, or chicken?
- Have you ever had to pull over on the side of the road to puke?
- What leg do you put in pants first when putting them on?
- Candles or incense?
- Do you dance when no one is watching?
- Did you play doctor when you were little?
- Stove top cooking or microwave?
- Would you rather your car or your house be dirty?
- When shopping at the grocery store, do you return your cart?
- Shower or bath?
- Do you pee in the shower?
- Mexican or Chinese food?
- Do you want someone aggressive or passive in bed?
- Do you own sex toys?
- Corn dogs or hot dogs?
- Your favorite restaurant?
- What did you have for lunch today?
- When did you last fall down?
- Have you ever wished someone were dead?
- Love or money?
- Credit cards or cash?
- Has there ever been anyone in your family you wish wasn’t?
- Oreos or vanilla wafers?
- How do you like your steak?
- How do you like your eggs?
- Have you ever knocked someone off their feet in a fight?
- Would you rather go camping or to a five star hotel?
- Would you rather have a root canal or minor surgery?
- Would you shave your entire body (including your head) for money?
- Would you rather have lice or an STD?
- What’s your favorite hard candy?
- Ever been to a strip club?
- Ever been to a bar?
- Ever been kicked out of a bar or a club?
- Ever been so drunk you had to be carried out of somewhere?
- Kissed someone of the same sex?
- Had sex in the car?
- Had sex at the beach?
- Had sex in a movie theater?
- Had sex in a bathroom?
- Have you ever been in an “adult” store?
- Is there anyone on your blogroll you would ever consider having sex with?
- Have you been caught having sex?
- Have you ever kissed a stranger?
- Does anyone have naughty pictures of you?
I prefer to save sex for holidays. Like eggnog.
When my wife allows me to sleep in the bed, it's usually at her feet, curled up. Usually I have to sleep outside in the Adam house.
Hot dog. So, all three.
No. To ejaculate? Yes.
First, I don't wear pants. Second, I attach my shorts to the dresser, climb to the top, and jump into them all at once.
Why not just ask gay or bi-curious?
My little friend does.
Yes. For some reason, I was always the one getting the prostate exam. And my other friends were all 40-year old men.
I prefer the telephone. Or a waiter.
Neither better be dirty, if my wife knows what's good for her!
I haven't been to the grocery store in months. We used to get them delivered before moving to this backwater town of Orlando. If I get dragged to the store, though, I usually just push the cart into the nicest car in the lot.
I get washed with a rag on a stick. Sometimes I stand in a kiddie pool outside and wait for it to rain.
That's horrible! I only masturbate and defecate in the shower.
Is placenta Chinese food? Because if it is, then I choose that one.
I want someone neutral. Like Switzerland. I'd totally fuck Switzerland.
I own hundreds of them. I like to use them, and then drop them off in the Toys for Tots bins.
A hot dog, fried in corn dog mix, with ketchup and mayo added.
I like to pick and choose from the dumpsters behind all of the restaurants. A 5-star buffet.
A fucking bacon cheeseburger. Haven't you fuckers been reading this blog?
I never fall. I'm like a cat. A fat, hairy, gorilla cat.
Yes. And it always comes true. If you don't believe me, ask Steve Irwin, Walter Matthau, and Anna Nicole Smith. Oh wait! You can't, because they're dead!
Why are these mutually exclusive? Enough money will always buy love. Especially if you find a good whore.
Pennies. I love buying high dollar items with pennies.
Our family dog had a nice ass. And my grandmother (RIP) had a great rack.
This is a hidden racist question, isn't it? If you choose vanilla wafers, you're a racist, but if you choose Oreos, you pretend not to be prejudiced even though you secretly are. I'm not falling for this shit!
Medium rare. Or Medium. Or Medium Well. Or Well Done. As long as it's steak.
Inseminated.
I'm a lazy pacifist. I'd rather just shoot them instead of fighting them or negotiating with them.
Oh yes, please! Can I go sleep on the bumpy ground with bugs and no shower and smelly animals with no spa and no turn-down service and no room service? Please? With sugar on top?
Are we saying minor surgery like gender reassignment or like getting outfitted with a bionic leg that shoots rockets?
I do. The hair from my head to my back is used for making beds for little Ethiopian babies. The hair on my back is used for pubic wigs for celebrities with vaginas that look like they belong to a twelve-year old. My chest hair is used to make fake beards for women who want to dress up like men, my pubic hair is burnt for fuel in a small eastern European country that was a former part of the USSR, and my leg hair is used by Crest to make toothbrushes.
I'd rather have a Super-long Thick Dick.
My mom used to feed me rabbit turds and tell me they were a special hard candy. After that trauma, I just can't eat candy at all now unless it came from the ass of a cute bunny.
I have a harem of underage Catholic high school girls locked in my basement. It's like my own private strip club, except with more crying, but also with more touching.
Been there, burned it down, bought the T-shirt.
Apparently, Disney frowns on lap dances at the Country Bear Jamboree.
They usually have to back the bulldozer in to cart me home through the hole in the wall from the last time we had to call the paramedics.
Well, I didn't know he was when I did it! Fucking Britt and her Adam's apple.
Does masturbating onto the windshield of my ex-girlfriend's dad's Mercedes count?
Yes, dolphins make excellent lovers. Sharks, however, do not. As my good friend Stumpycock can attest.
First of all, the hole in the popcorn bucket doesn't work if you're alone. Second, putting hot butter into the bucket makes it hurt really badly. And finally, Toy Story is probably not the best place to jump up with an erect penis scalded with hot butter..
This would take me back to why I'm no longer allowed on any property owned by the Walt Disney Corporation, so I am not going to comment.
Like Home Depot?
Is there anyone I wouldn't consider having sex with? That's the real question. You only make it on my blogroll if you're fuckable. It's my only standard.
I have been caught having sex so many times that the cops can recognize the shine of the flashlight off of my pasty white ass.
Only my pillow, who I named Amanda and painted a pretty face on. She was from Holland and wanted to learn all about our customs, including when nudity was appropriate. I'd like to say that this was when I was 10 or 11, but it was last year.
Since I sell them online at http://www.nakedavitable.com, I would certainly hope so. That's how I manage this extravagant lifestyle, my million-dollar cheeseburger habit, and manage to keep money-hungry whores continuously showing me their boobs!
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You have a pasty white ass?
Comments by WeaponM
Can I put your ringing endorsement of me as "fuckable" on my resume? Something tells me that this will open more doors than my tenure at McDonalds running the deep fat fryer.
Comments by Dave2
Loving the new site!
ROFL @ #16 and "http://www.nakedavitable.com"
Bwahahaha
Comments by Mistress
Wow... I'm fuckable. I feel so... lusted after.
Comments by NYC Watchdog
#24 has got me wondering how long after someone that has a great rack dies can they be considered to still have a great rack...
Comments by Mr. Fabulous
Either my last comment was somewhat existential, or I am still kinda asleep
Comments by Mr. Fabulous
Holy Fuck, Avi. You're not right.
Comments by DeniseTN
WeaponM, like you don't already know that!
Dave, absolutely, and I'd be happy to provide a letter of recommendation as well.
Mistress, thanks. I'm glad you finally made your way to the new site.
NYCWD, well, technically, gorillas and dogs don't have the proper plumbing.
Mr. Fabulous, that made perfect sense. And your answer is six months.
Denise, I think I'm not wrong!
Comments by Avitable
Sex is over-rated. At a certain point in one's life, sleep becomes the obsession.
I believe I have reached that point.
Comments by RW
Oh, I respectfully disagree, but I may not have been clear.
If you were banging a dead chick with a great rack, I think after about a week they would have deflated to the point where you could still brag about banging a dead chick, but you couldn't boast that she had a great rack.
Comments by Mr. Fabulous
In regards to #16 I now know what I'm going to do with Big Ben.
ps. these smilies aren't really work safe dear.
Comments by Mistress Yoda
RW, I've been that way since I was 10.
Mr. Fabulous, but if she had the silicon tit job that my grandmother did.
Mistress Yoda, they're not work safe? They're tiny barely nude animations! Well, I don't think my blog in general is safe for anyone, I guess.
Comments by Avitable
Good point. Then afterwards you could cut them out and take them home as a trophy.
Comments by Mr. Fabulous
They're already sitting here next to my grandfather's testicles.
Comments by Avitable
A fat, hairy, gorilla cat! LMFAO!!
Comments by stephanie
You have a point, your whole blog isn't safe. That's why whenever I go to post on your blog I make sure to distract everyone telling them there is a silent fire alarm.
Comments by Mistress Yoda
Switzerland is frigid.
Comments by Mist 1
Good news, I just called Switzerland.
They are looking for tons of hairy gorilla cats!
Get over there and make all your naughty bacon cheeseburger dreams come true at great places of "recreation" like ...Home Depot.
I hear it's bitchin'.
Comments by Jordie
Sex saved for holidays? OH come on!
Comments by themuttprincess
If you'd shave your hairy ass more often (or let Fab do it for you), it wouldn't be so pasty.
Comments by Tug
I cannot WAIT to have the time to properly read this in length and do it myself on my site. Effing work.
Comments by Poppy
Steph, it's quite a visual, eh?
Mistress Yoda, that is probably a good plan. Or just tell them there's birthday cake in the conference room.
Mist, you just have to be a playa like me.
Jordie, nice integration. And you're beautiful!
TMP, I'm sure there's at least one holiday every week.
Tug, tanning beds cause my back to catch fire.
Comments by Avitable
"Yes. For some reason, I was always the one getting the prostate exam. And my other friends were all 40-year old men."
OMG, you're bad!! that is too funny....
and I'm having a really hard time concentrating on commenting with those giant titties jiggling in my face!!!
Comments by Webmiztris
Poppy, it's actually excruciating to do.
Dawn, especially when I went home and said "Mom, my bumhole hurts."
Comments by Avitable
LMAO at the new smilies. Holy. Shit.
Now...
I declare this one a draw, you funny little fur ball.
HOWEVER - you know the rules.
Two times calling me a whore = two drinks. The man comment will cost you double.
Please forward the necessary $23.58 to my PayPal account.
Comments by Miss Britt
Excruciating? You don't tell the truth! If you told the truth it'd be easier to come up with the answers!
Wow, AWESOME! :D :D :D :D :D :D
Comments by Poppy
Yeah, that always works. It's amazing what people at work will do for free food.
Comments by Mistress Yoda
Hey, that's how I put my short on! I thought I was the only one. So this is how it feels when doves cry.
Comments by Dragon
Well if you want to be like THAT, then there are holidays in other countries probably even more frequent.
Comments by themuttprincess
Britt, you can't declare it a draw. Someone objective has to. Someone objective who likes me more than they like you.
Poppy, those are all 100% true. The previous statement, however, may not be.
Mistress Yoda, I know!
Dragon, it's a dark day when you find out that you're not as unique as you thought.
TMP, I'm a man not a machine!
Comments by Avitable
Glad you liked them and great to see they're being used! *raunchy grin* :D
Comments by DutchBitch
Ok, fair enough. Where is the Dawg?
Amy? Anyone seen Amy?
Comments by Miss Britt
I officially call it a draw. But, I do think the man comment was hitting below the belt so Avi does need to pay up.
Comments by Amy
I don't know if this is a draw. At least Avi has me on his blogroll... which makes me fuckable.
Britt has some fascination with some Asian guy named "Yoo"... which doesn't leave me all warm and fuzzy inside.
I need to feel warm and fuzzy.
I need to vote for Avi today... so he shouldn't have to pay anything.
Comments by NYC Watchdog
DutchBitch, they seem very popular.
Britt, it's okay. You're a girl, you're blonde, and you're from Iowa. Nobody expects you to be as good as I am!
Amy, those bouncing boobs are hypnotic.
NYCWD, I'll make you feel warm and fuzzy.
Comments by Avitable
Which still makes this a draw because I am now changing my vote to Britt.
Comments by Amy
I liked Avi's better. I'm objective. And I'm about to get my ass kicked for saying that.
(Actually, I liked Britt's better. But I might be lying.)
Can't we all just get along?
Comments by Poppy
DAWG?!@?!?!?
What The FUCK!?!??!
my BLOGROLL isn't even my BLOGROLL!!! It's old and outdated cuz I used a FEEDER!!!!!!
What?? *SOB* I am so HURT!!!
Amy, that's why you're mah bitch.
Comments by Miss Britt
I have NEEDS woman! I NEED to feel warm and fuzzy!!!
Avi made me feel warm and fuzzy.
You just made me feel fuzzy.
Comments by NYC Watchdog
You men are so FICKLE. There is just no pleasing you. I am HEART broken, Daw. Crushed.
Comments by Miss Britt
One day you should really try peeing in the shower.
Comments by Lynda
Amy, then it's a draw, I guess!
Poppy, you're right. Threesomes for everyone!
Britt, soon all of your friends will be mine! Moohahahahahahaha!
Lynda, I don't even like peeing in the toilet.
Comments by Avitable
# Do you want someone aggressive or passive in bed?
I want someone neutral. Like Switzerland. I'd totally fuck Switzerland. Wait isnt there chocolate in switzerland? Orgasm!
# Is there anyone on your blogroll you would ever consider having sex with?
Is there anyone I wouldn't consider having sex with? That's the real question. You only make it on my blogroll if you're fuckable. It's my only standard. Must. Go. Check. Blogroll. For. My. Name. *shivers*
pee ess: the dancing bum is myfavorite!
Comments by bluepaintred
Do you pee against a tree?
Like Blue, I too had to check your blogroll, but I didn't think I woudl be there.
Comments by Lynda
I agree with Lynda. Once you pee in the shower once you'll be hooked. It's quite... exhilarating. Oh, and I really should have used *this* in the last comment! :
Threesomes work for me!
Comments by Poppy
SO no other country holidays, alright.... Once a month does ya?? I guess you are married.
Comments by themuttprincess
Avi's the happy humorous one, EVERY day's a holiday!
Comments by Tug
BPR, you're on there.
Lynda, I need to start adding new bloggers who have commented frequently.
Poppy, bukakke is fun.
TMP, a man needs to recharge!
Tug, yeah, good point.
Comments by Avitable
im sorry i just came back for the bouncing boobies. Sigh.
also, the link to http://www.nakedavitable.com, isnt working.
double sigh
Comments by bluepaintred
And like an IDIOT I click it! God I'm SO FUCKING stupid!
God!
Damn!
GAH!
Comments by RW
Avi, you don't need to tell me.
Comments by Poppy
I need dirty smileys! This are great. I want this one (cuz it looks just like me)
The meme was good too. I cannot top it so I'll just leave it to the pros.
Comments by usedtobeme
Too funny lol but the smilies scare me...
Comments by Miss Misery
BPR, I'm working on nakedavitable. It will soon be magnificent.
RW, I know you just want to see me nekkid.
Poppy, now that looks like fun.
Usedtobeme, well, your booby smiley is very cute.
Miss Misery, scare you? They're supposed to entice you!
Comments by Avitable
Please don't work on nakedavitable
The thought alone will now give me nightmares for weeks.
Comments by WeaponM
"Apparently, Disney frowns on lap dances at the Country Bear Jamboree."
So that's what you and Brian were up to during his visit...
Comments by cat