Since I recently have brand new dirty smilies (thank you to Denise, Julianne, DutchBitch, Liquid and someone who shall remain anonymous), I decided that a meme about sex (among other things) would be appropriate for today. Britt's doing the same meme, so check out her answers, too. Although mine will certainly be more entertaining than her whitebread midwestern shit.

1. Is sex best in the morning, afternoon, or night?

I prefer to save sex for holidays. Like eggnog.

2. On which side of the bed do you sleep?

When my wife allows me to sleep in the bed, it's usually at her feet, curled up. Usually I have to sleep outside in the Adam house.

3. Pork, beef, or chicken?

Hot dog. So, all three.

4. Have you ever had to pull over on the side of the road to puke?

No. To ejaculate? Yes.

5. What leg do you put in pants first when putting them on?

First, I don't wear pants. Second, I attach my shorts to the dresser, climb to the top, and jump into them all at once.

6. Candles or incense?

Why not just ask gay or bi-curious?

7. Do you dance when no one is watching?

My little friend does.

8. Did you play doctor when you were little?

Yes. For some reason, I was always the one getting the prostate exam. And my other friends were all 40-year old men.

9. Stove top cooking or microwave?

I prefer the telephone. Or a waiter.

10. Would you rather your car or your house be dirty?

Neither better be dirty, if my wife knows what's good for her!

11. When shopping at the grocery store, do you return your cart?

I haven't been to the grocery store in months. We used to get them delivered before moving to this backwater town of Orlando. If I get dragged to the store, though, I usually just push the cart into the nicest car in the lot.

12. Shower or bath?

I get washed with a rag on a stick. Sometimes I stand in a kiddie pool outside and wait for it to rain.

13. Do you pee in the shower?

That's horrible! I only masturbate and defecate in the shower.

14. Mexican or Chinese food?

Is placenta Chinese food? Because if it is, then I choose that one.

15. Do you want someone aggressive or passive in bed?

I want someone neutral. Like Switzerland. I'd totally fuck Switzerland.

16. Do you own sex toys?

I own hundreds of them. I like to use them, and then drop them off in the Toys for Tots bins.

17. Corn dogs or hot dogs?

A hot dog, fried in corn dog mix, with ketchup and mayo added.

18. Your favorite restaurant?

I like to pick and choose from the dumpsters behind all of the restaurants. A 5-star buffet.

19. What did you have for lunch today?

A fucking bacon cheeseburger. Haven't you fuckers been reading this blog?

20. When did you last fall down?

I never fall. I'm like a cat. A fat, hairy, gorilla cat.

21. Have you ever wished someone were dead?

Yes. And it always comes true. If you don't believe me, ask Steve Irwin, Walter Matthau, and Anna Nicole Smith. Oh wait! You can't, because they're dead!

22. Love or money?

Why are these mutually exclusive? Enough money will always buy love. Especially if you find a good whore.

23. Credit cards or cash?

Pennies. I love buying high dollar items with pennies.

24. Has there ever been anyone in your family you wish wasn’t?

Our family dog had a nice ass. And my grandmother (RIP) had a great rack.

25. Oreos or vanilla wafers?

This is a hidden racist question, isn't it? If you choose vanilla wafers, you're a racist, but if you choose Oreos, you pretend not to be prejudiced even though you secretly are. I'm not falling for this shit!

26. How do you like your steak?

Medium rare. Or Medium. Or Medium Well. Or Well Done. As long as it's steak.

27. How do you like your eggs?

Inseminated.

28. Have you ever knocked someone off their feet in a fight?

I'm a lazy pacifist. I'd rather just shoot them instead of fighting them or negotiating with them.

29. Would you rather go camping or to a five star hotel?

Oh yes, please! Can I go sleep on the bumpy ground with bugs and no shower and smelly animals with no spa and no turn-down service and no room service? Please? With sugar on top?

30. Would you rather have a root canal or minor surgery?

Are we saying minor surgery like gender reassignment or like getting outfitted with a bionic leg that shoots rockets?

31. Would you shave your entire body (including your head) for money?

I do. The hair from my head to my back is used for making beds for little Ethiopian babies. The hair on my back is used for pubic wigs for celebrities with vaginas that look like they belong to a twelve-year old. My chest hair is used to make fake beards for women who want to dress up like men, my pubic hair is burnt for fuel in a small eastern European country that was a former part of the USSR, and my leg hair is used by Crest to make toothbrushes.

32. Would you rather have lice or an STD?

I'd rather have a Super-long Thick Dick.

33. What’s your favorite hard candy?

My mom used to feed me rabbit turds and tell me they were a special hard candy. After that trauma, I just can't eat candy at all now unless it came from the ass of a cute bunny.

34. Ever been to a strip club?

I have a harem of underage Catholic high school girls locked in my basement. It's like my own private strip club, except with more crying, but also with more touching.

35. Ever been to a bar?

Been there, burned it down, bought the T-shirt.

36. Ever been kicked out of a bar or a club?

Apparently, Disney frowns on lap dances at the Country Bear Jamboree.

37. Ever been so drunk you had to be carried out of somewhere?

They usually have to back the bulldozer in to cart me home through the hole in the wall from the last time we had to call the paramedics.

38. Kissed someone of the same sex?

Well, I didn't know he was when I did it! Fucking Britt and her Adam's apple.

39. Had sex in the car?

Does masturbating onto the windshield of my ex-girlfriend's dad's Mercedes count?

40. Had sex at the beach?

Yes, dolphins make excellent lovers. Sharks, however, do not. As my good friend Stumpycock can attest.

41. Had sex in a movie theater?

First of all, the hole in the popcorn bucket doesn't work if you're alone. Second, putting hot butter into the bucket makes it hurt really badly. And finally, Toy Story is probably not the best place to jump up with an erect penis scalded with hot butter..

42. Had sex in a bathroom?

This would take me back to why I'm no longer allowed on any property owned by the Walt Disney Corporation, so I am not going to comment.

43. Have you ever been in an “adult” store?

Like Home Depot?

44. Is there anyone on your blogroll you would ever consider having sex with?

Is there anyone I wouldn't consider having sex with? That's the real question. You only make it on my blogroll if you're fuckable. It's my only standard.

45. Have you been caught having sex?

I have been caught having sex so many times that the cops can recognize the shine of the flashlight off of my pasty white ass.

46. Have you ever kissed a stranger?

Only my pillow, who I named Amanda and painted a pretty face on. She was from Holland and wanted to learn all about our customs, including when nudity was appropriate. I'd like to say that this was when I was 10 or 11, but it was last year.

47. Does anyone have naughty pictures of you?

Since I sell them online at http://www.nakedavitable.com, I would certainly hope so. That's how I manage this extravagant lifestyle, my million-dollar cheeseburger habit, and manage to keep money-hungry whores continuously showing me their boobs!

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