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Easter at my church

A reading from the book of Avitable:

And when the sixth hour was come, there was darkness over the whole land until the ninth hour.

And at the ninth hour JC cried with a loud voice, saying “Holy God that hurts!” He was mocked and given laughter instead of treatment.

After this, JC knowing that his project would not yet be accomplished, that this script would not be fulfilled, said, “Oh, shit.”

When JC therefore heard the laughter, he said “It is finished:” and he fell over and gave up the ghost.

For those of us who listen to the Church of Holy Avitableness, Easter is a time of remembrance and celebration around the death and subsequent resurrection of JC, which stands, of course, for John Candy.

Every year, on Easter weekend, we gather around the multiplexes and await the sign of his return. Whether it is “The Great Outdoors 2”, “Uncle Buck’s Back”, “Planes, Trains, Automobiles and Monorails”, or even “Who’s Harry Crumb This Time?”, we will faithfully await the sign of his return, which will usher in a new era of laughter to this world.

Followers of the Church of Holy Avitableness are encouraged to gorge themselves this weekend. Consume massive amounts of chocolate, in the form of bunnies, Cadbury Creme Eggs, Reese’s Peanut Butter Eggs, or chocolate statues of JC. Eat cheeseburgers by the bucket and consume massive amounts of liquor in celebration of our apostle, JC.

May peace be with all of you fuckers. Praise be to me.


And don’t forget! Go vote for me, or you will rot in Avitahell for all eternity!

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32 Replies to “Easter at my church”

  1. Geeky Tai-Tai

    I don’t remember the Monorail part of the title, but I LOVE “Planes, Trains, and Automobiles”. That movie STILL makes me laugh so hard I cry (and really, almost wet my pants), especially at the “Just doin’ the mess around” scene! Holy…! I guess you probably didn’t need to know that part, but WTF? You’re Avi! :clap:

  2. Avitable

    Poppy, if you’re lucky manna in the form of Cadbury will fall from the sky.

    Mistress Yoda, just go read the link in the sidebar that goes to the church!

    Tracy, exactly. It’s holy.

    Geeky, that’s the sequel that we’re hoping and praying for. The original doesn’t have monorails. I love that movie.

    Britt, I will pray for your boobs to be shown!

  3. annie

    John Candy, that’s funny!

    I picture his fat ass hanging from the cross and immediately falling down cuz he’s too heavy for the nails to hold him. So they gotta keep going back with bigger things, like heavy duty deck screws, molly-bolts, and so on.

  4. Avitable

    Poppy, :angel:

    Amy, I knew you’d enjoy that.

    Annie, heart attack pre-crucifixion makes it all easier.

    Julianne, seven levels in all. Yeah, I should teach a class.

    Denise, you just want to scream out “Oh God!”

  5. Tracy Lynn

    Dude, could not find a creme egg to SAVE MY SOUL. I don’t know what this town is coming to, but it’s obviously unrighteous.

    I was able to find a Reese’s egg, however, and thus narrowly averted spiritual disaster. Amen. :angel:

  6. Avitable

    Mr. Fabulous, it’s our secret.

    Tracy, I have another friend up north who couldn’t either. I’m making a trek tomorrow to find some for myself. Reese’s eggs are good, too.

    Mistress Yoda, you and your fucking bagels!

  7. Poppy

    Avi, I counter BPR’s advice — LOTS of buttsecks with the bun!!!!!! :sex011: :sex011: :sex011: :sex011: :sex011: :sex011: :sex011: :sex011: :sex011: :sex011: :sex011: :sex011:

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