A reading from the book of Avitable:

And when the sixth hour was come, there was darkness over the whole land until the ninth hour.

And at the ninth hour JC cried with a loud voice, saying "Holy God that hurts!" He was mocked and given laughter instead of treatment.

After this, JC knowing that his project would not yet be accomplished, that this script would not be fulfilled, said, "Oh, shit."

When JC therefore heard the laughter, he said "It is finished:" and he fell over and gave up the ghost.

For those of us who listen to the Church of Holy Avitableness, Easter is a time of remembrance and celebration around the death and subsequent resurrection of JC, which stands, of course, for John Candy.

Every year, on Easter weekend, we gather around the multiplexes and await the sign of his return. Whether it is "The Great Outdoors 2", "Uncle Buck's Back", "Planes, Trains, Automobiles and Monorails", or even "Who's Harry Crumb This Time?", we will faithfully await the sign of his return, which will usher in a new era of laughter to this world.

Followers of the Church of Holy Avitableness are encouraged to gorge themselves this weekend. Consume massive amounts of chocolate, in the form of bunnies, Cadbury Creme Eggs, Reese's Peanut Butter Eggs, or chocolate statues of JC. Eat cheeseburgers by the bucket and consume massive amounts of liquor in celebration of our apostle, JC.

May peace be with all of you fuckers. Praise be to me.

And don't forget! Go vote for me, or you will rot in Avitahell for all eternity!

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