A reading from the book of Avitable:
And when the sixth hour was come, there was darkness over the whole land until the ninth hour.
And at the ninth hour JC cried with a loud voice, saying "Holy God that hurts!" He was mocked and given laughter instead of treatment.
After this, JC knowing that his project would not yet be accomplished, that this script would not be fulfilled, said, "Oh, shit."
When JC therefore heard the laughter, he said "It is finished:" and he fell over and gave up the ghost.
For those of us who listen to the Church of Holy Avitableness, Easter is a time of remembrance and celebration around the death and subsequent resurrection of JC, which stands, of course, for John Candy.
Every year, on Easter weekend, we gather around the multiplexes and await the sign of his return. Whether it is "The Great Outdoors 2", "Uncle Buck's Back", "Planes, Trains, Automobiles and Monorails", or even "Who's Harry Crumb This Time?", we will faithfully await the sign of his return, which will usher in a new era of laughter to this world.
Followers of the Church of Holy Avitableness are encouraged to gorge themselves this weekend. Consume massive amounts of chocolate, in the form of bunnies, Cadbury Creme Eggs, Reese's Peanut Butter Eggs, or chocolate statues of JC. Eat cheeseburgers by the bucket and consume massive amounts of liquor in celebration of our apostle, JC.
May peace be with all of you fuckers. Praise be to me.
And don't forget! Go vote for me, or you will rot in Avitahell for all eternity!
If you're new to the horrors of Avitable.com, don't miss out. Subscribe to my RSS feed!
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I seriously need to join your church. I'm out of Cadbury eggs!
Comments by Poppy
What do you have to do to join the church? Must I be objectified? Well....ok
Comments by Mistress Yoda
I gotta go get me a creme egg. It's for religious reasons, damnit!
Comments by Tracy Lynn
I don't remember the Monorail part of the title, but I LOVE "Planes, Trains, and Automobiles". That movie STILL makes me laugh so hard I cry (and really, almost wet my pants), especially at the "Just doin' the mess around" scene! Holy...! I guess you probably didn't need to know that part, but WTF? You're Avi!
Comments by Geeky Tai-Tai
*sigh* I will pray for you tonight.
Comments by Miss Britt
Poppy, if you're lucky manna in the form of Cadbury will fall from the sky.
Mistress Yoda, just go read the link in the sidebar that goes to the church!
Tracy, exactly. It's holy.
Geeky, that's the sequel that we're hoping and praying for. The original doesn't have monorails. I love that movie.
Britt, I will pray for your boobs to be shown!
Comments by Avitable
Mama wants her manna. Hehehehe.
Comments by Poppy
WOO HOO!!!!!!
Comments by Amy
John Candy, that's funny!
I picture his fat ass hanging from the cross and immediately falling down cuz he's too heavy for the nails to hold him. So they gotta keep going back with bigger things, like heavy duty deck screws, molly-bolts, and so on.
Comments by annie
Are there levels of hell in TCOHA too? AoHell, Avitahell? Damn, i need to brush up on my doctrine.
So does my mom tho, she wished me a merry christmas today. 
Comments by Julianne
Who the fuck needs church? I can get my fill of Jesus right here!
Comments by Denise
Poppy,
Amy, I knew you'd enjoy that.
Annie, heart attack pre-crucifixion makes it all easier.
Julianne, seven levels in all. Yeah, I should teach a class.
Denise, you just want to scream out "Oh God!"
Comments by Avitable
Don't forget about that long-awaited sequel to "Wagons East." That guy who played Chandler is so funny!!! Ha ha ha lol ttyl.
Comments by Greg
Oh, I'll consume massive amounts of liquor. Probably tonight!
Comments by Heather
Comments by Miss Britt
The only Candy I have is sour patch kids and gummy worms, and their at least a year old, so, I'm probably gonna pass on the gourging.
And I vote for Wagons East.
Comments by The Chad
Greg, we won't mention that one.
Heather, you should eat chocolate, too!
Britt,
Chad, no Easter candy? Sacrilege!
Comments by Avitable
We got an early start on the cheeseburgers. Mrs. Fab has been in the bathroom three times already.
Never let her know I told you that.
Comments by Mr. Fabulous
Dude, could not find a creme egg to SAVE MY SOUL. I don't know what this town is coming to, but it's obviously unrighteous.
I was able to find a Reese's egg, however, and thus narrowly averted spiritual disaster. Amen.
Comments by Tracy Lynn
I tried to read it once and got sidetracked by a bagel.
Comments by Mistress Yoda
Mr. Fabulous, it's our secret.
Tracy, I have another friend up north who couldn't either. I'm making a trek tomorrow to find some for myself. Reese's eggs are good, too.
Mistress Yoda, you and your fucking bagels!
Comments by Avitable
i rule.
Comments by liquid
Happy Easter Avi! please dont have Buttsecks with the bunny this year...
Comments by bluepaintred
I friggen LOVE your smilies. I just called the Husband over to check them out. His favorite is the butt one too!
aww ! See, we are soulmates 
Comments by bluepaintred
Avi, I counter BPR's advice — LOTS of buttsecks with the bun!!!!!!
Comments by Poppy
Liquid, yes you do.
BPR, but bunny buttsecks is so awesome! That's where chocolate comes from!
Poppy, dirty bananas!
Comments by Avitable
I know...they ruin my life. I once woke up in strange man's bed after binging on them and had cream cheese all over me.
Comments by Mistress Yoda
I can carry 6 at a time, and that means one in each hand. I'll let you figure out the rest.
Comments by Avitable
That's where chocolate comes from?!?!!:? BWAHAHAHAHAAHA!!! Brilliant!!!
Comments by Poppy
I'm so sick of Easter. Every year I pray for John Candy, but he never appears. Oh, wait, that's the Great Pumpkin at Halloween. Sorry.
Comments by kip
Poppy, according to BPR, yes.
Kip, you can pray for John Candy to appear, too. It's allowed!
Comments by Avitable
LOL JC = John Candy...
that is too funny!!!
I also love the smilies!!!!
Comments by gemini