So today, I have to do the following:
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Get up at 6 AM so that I can shower, jerk the gherkin, get dressed, and take the car to the dealership by 7 for the 60,000 mile maintenance and to get the car professionally detailed. Need to have it nice and clean and impressive before I pick up a high-class whore at the airport on Friday.
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Hopefully finish with the car by 10 AM so I can return to work and see if my employees have actually done any work, or if they’ve spent the last three hours just fucking around on Youtube and Myspace. Break out the whip if that is the case.
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Respond to some of the 100 or so emails I get for work and 100 or so personal emails I get. Get some sales so that I can afford the extravagant weekend of booze, spa, steak dinners, and sexual deviance that I have planned.
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Get my weekly order of comic books for my second business, and sort them. Read this week’s best 5 or so. Save the others for later. Comics are art, mmk?
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Go to my barber and get my weekly haircut and shave. Make sure he remembers to do the sideburns better, and then ask if he’ll do my balls. Wait until he’s not using the straight razor near my jugular before asking. Enjoy my mini-facial.
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Take a nap. Maybe eat something. Remember to learn to eat while sleeping – it will save time.
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Return phone calls and voicemails. Post a blog entry for my corporate blog. Tell the lawn guy to stop driving over the hose. Tell the pool guy to put the hose away when he’s done. Tell the shrub guy to stay away from my wife’s garden.
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Finish my 50 things and start coming up with clever ideas for recording them. That don’t involve my penis talking to the camera.
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Do my nightly penis-lengthening exercises so I can reach my goal of 3.2 centimeters.
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Listen to two whores gab and gab for an hour in an online conference chat. Get one step closer to Googlebombing so that a search for “whore” brings up Britt’s site.
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Masturbate to donkey porn until I fall asleep in a sticky, gooey mess.
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Wake up an hour later and stumble to bed. Get ready to wake up in four hours.
What’s your day going to be like?
Enjoy this post? Try these:The most offensively stereotypical joke in the world: An Avitable original
A cat named Twitter
I’ll be calling your work number and leaving you 50 messages so that you’re returning all your calls to me, but I won’t actually be at my desk when you call. :angel:
And yes, I’m done working finally, so I am going to bed.
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Tell the shrub guy to stay away from my wife’s garden.
that made me spit my coffee on my keyboard you jerk!
also my day will involve coffee, computer, and children. maybe some chocolate.
I like all things that start with C
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I have spent the last three hours on YouTube and Blogger.
Will you whip me?
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I will do the same thing I do every day: Try to take over the world! :clap:
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I think I’ll start with some of this: :boobs1:
Then I’ll move on to some of this: :martini:
Then I’ll be like :crazywife: on Doug to get on his work because I am not cleaning house.
If he does all his work, we’ll move to this: :cocksuck2:
I’ll eat something then take a :shit: .
Then I’ll fuck around on the internet for a while. :clap:
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Do you really want to know?
I’ll have coffee, check my email and hope that Super Nekkie visited my blog before I even got up. Especially because I made sure to post EARLY so he wouldn’t have to wait.
Then I’ll nag Mike until he makes me something for breakfast while I slave away at the computer alternating between msg’ing Super Nekkie and BoyBanger while “working.”
Then I’ll try to fit in a workout and make it to Ethan’s track meet on time so that I can scream and yell until he makes it to the finish line.
Then I’ll go home and work until dinner in between more msg’s from Super Nekkie and BoyBanger.
Finally, I’ll go to bed and hope like mad that Maggie will fall asleep early so I can get some fun time with Mike. :boobs1:
Your day might be more fun. :jerkoff2:
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OK, thanks… that pretty much set the tone for my day today…
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Damn it, that reminds me that I forgot to jerk the gherkin today. Christ, I am already behind…
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Poppy, wow, you stayed up late, old lady!!
BPR, why? That was a serious line. He sprays all type of shit over her garden when he’s working on the shrubs around them.
Mist, you know the answer to that one! :sex014:
Sheila, oh, you try, but I succeed!
KG, you only go to the bathroom once during the day? Wow!
Amy, your wishes have been fulfilled.
DB, is it Friday yet?
Mr. Fabulous, better get moving! And shaking and thrusting!
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Twitter: hismuse
says:
1. Wakeup and sit in traffic for over an hour.
2. Get coffee so I don’t pass out at my desk.
3. Respond to comments by Avitable all day long.
4. Sit in traffic on the way home.
5. Get on the computer and respond to more comments by Avitable.
6. Say hi to the man I live with before going back to my email.
7. Go to sleep.
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Wow…Our days are so similar, it’s scary…
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Mistress Yoda, so what are you implying? You don’t want me to leave any more comments? :pissed:
Paticus, I’m just your average Joe.
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Twitter: hismuse
says:
I mean…if Mr. Yoda ever leaves me it will probably be because I spend more time responding to you online than to him in real life :sex014:
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Aaaaw! No penis talking into the camera? That’s no fun!
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Avi, yup. Your brother requires a long phone sex session. At least he pays well! :jerkoff2:
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Mistress Yoda, maybe he should start commenting on your blog then!
Dana, nothing can match your cinematography, though.
Poppy, don’t believe him. He doesn’t have any money. I pay really poorly.
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Sweetie, he gave me your credit card. I got my money. :boobs1:
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Twitter: hismuse
says:
I do
Does that mean you’re kicking me out?
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Poppy, fuck. Little bastard.
Mistress Yoda, never. Tits and a sense of humor? You’ve got a place forever.
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i feel like you’re mocking donkey porn. like you really have no intention of doing anything sexy with it and you know what? that’s just wrong. :boobs1:
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in fact….
HOW DARE YOU!!!! :sex011:
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did you notice btw as it concerns those two bananas that i’m the top and you’re the bottom?
totally
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Twitter: hismuse
says:
Nice! My boobs save me once again!
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Crystal, I’d never mock donkey porn. I love those little fuckers! And that’s hawt!
Mistress Yoda, they’re like airbags, but for non-vehicular incidents!
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Twitter: missbritt
says:
So you’re the reason I’m suddenly getting “OMG YOU FUCKING ROCK MY SOX” emails now?
Thanks :martini:
And as for my day?
1. trudge through the fucking SNOW because we are in a WINTER FUCKING STORM WARNING to get to work
2. deal with last minute client “emergencies” stemming from clients not understanding DEADLINES and why we TELL YOU ABOUT THEM AHEAD OF TIME
3. Chase down a muthafuckin’ contract so I can afford my extravagant weekend. and protection.
4. Try to come up with new ways to thank Joe for saving my ass, and my blog, again last night.
5. spend way too much mental energy trying to come up with a less whorish nickname for me and a more degrading nickname for YOU TWO (you know who you are)
6. Drag my ass back home, through the MUTHAFUCKING SNOW!!!!!!
7. Think about how I want to take a long hot bath and shave my legs while listening to Prince tell me how much he loves me
8. Actually spend the rest of the night online, hoping for a glimpse of the fabulous talking penis.
So. I’ve got that going for me.
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Twitter: tlkaply
says:
Not as sticky. I think. :poke:
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Britt, just remember that I get a cut of all your income, as your pimp. And there’s no snow here, and your extravagant weekend is all paid for. I’m immune to pepper spray, so don’t waste your time on protection, and the penis only talks to me, not to anyone else.
Tracy, I bet there’s plenty of stickiness at casa de Kaply. Especially after watching the snake video.
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pretty much the exact opposite of yours, avi. thank GOD.
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I will simply be sitting in class this morning, not paying attention and wondering why I’m in college at all.
I then will be going to work and possibly going insane and blowing the place up.
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WeaponM – Just remember, there’s no blogging in maximum security prison. Perhaps forego blowing the place up. And there are no more innocent smilies except the angel, so I will use: :puke:
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OMG! Friday yet? Not by a loooonnngggg shot! I wish! Ugh… Not that Friday is promising to be any different from today… Tsk…
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I woke up. Woke my son up. Woke the boyfriend up. Ate. Got to drive to work in snow. Play in the internet for 8 hours while responding to personal emails before work emails. Nap on my desk after the boss leaves. Go home. Nap again. Go grocery shopping. Get some :sex011: and go to bed.
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Twitter: hismuse
says:
Imagine if they had airbags that were just like boobs!
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You have a second business with comic books? I thought you just collected them for fun.
Um, me? Not half as exciting as your day!
1. Wake up at 5a in case school calls for work.
2. Noone calls. I go back to bed.
3. Move my car at 7:59 so it doesn’t get a ticket for street cleaning.
4. Read blogs and emails ’til 9a
5. Take shower and get ready.
6. Spend the rest of the day on creative writing and my online course assignment.
Yes, boh-ring life, but it’s mine : )
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You’re my favorite.
You also don’t think comics are art, though.
Because ART is cherished–not man handled.
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1. Send out a few mails to clients
2. Hit up the grocery store and bank
3. Install some malware on your server
4. Take a break to enjoy Lost
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Dawn, c’mon. I know you’re masturbating to donkey porn!
WeaponM, but it’s such a wonderful place to work!
Poppy, he wouldn’t get caught.
DutchBitch, we should call tomorrow Saturday. Just you and I.
TMP, are you one of my employees?
Mistress Yoda, I know I’d be driving my car into everything in sight.
Cat, I used to collect them. Now I’m a retailer, too. Sounds like quite the day!
Jordie, they’re art. I cherish it by man-handling it.
Clown, is it possible to even enjoy Lost anymore now that it’s a shitfest?
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You know my thoughts on that subject…
Besides, even though you camp out in front of the tv for it every week, I don’t go assuming that The War at Home is a shitfest.
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Avi, you watch The War At Home?!?! Does Michael Rapaport turn you on? :lmao:
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Clown, the new gravatar is very Killer Klowns from Outer Space-esque. Is it actually from that?
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Twitter: missbritt
says:
“and the penis only talks to me, not to anyone else.”
Oh. Honey. Do you really wanna go there?
(and where the fuck are the NORMAL smileys!!!)
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Clown, I love all of the sitcoms about mid- to lower class families and their relationship foibles!
Poppy, I actually set my TV to explode if that show ever comes on.
Britt, those are normal smilies, and having it spit on your face as you say “Please” doesn’t count as talking.
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Twitter: missbritt
says:
since when?
Oh NOW you’re going to get all picky about what “counts” and what’s “talking”??
Pfft.
NO BOOBS FOR YOU SUPER NEKKIE!
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Nope, unless you have employees in MN. :martini:
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Britt, oh there will be boobs. Boobs aplenty.
TMP, they might as well be, for all the good they’re doing.
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..and then there was order!
ps.
does he charge extra to
clean you up after giving you
the facial?
:bukkake:
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Twitter: missbritt
says:
:boobs5:
Oh. Dear. God.
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They sent me home early.
:woohoo:
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sushi for you
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Yes Poppy, that’s exactly where he’s from.
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Liquid, I have to pay her!
Britt, I know you didn’t want that video of you getting out there. Sorry.
WeaponM, permanently?
Clown, no it’s not. That’s your face!
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Well let me know if you ever need an employee in MN. I am willing to work as hard as I do for 2 bosses.
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Wake up and wait for someone to fucking kidnap me just like we discussed. :angel:
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I wish they would send me home permanently.
But alas, it’s back to work for me tomorrow.
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TMP, sounds like you are a diligent and dedicated worker.
Heather, I think transporting hotness across state lines is punishable by death.
WeaponM, and so goes the circle of life.
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