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Fuckin’ Hump Day

So today, I have to do the following:

  1. Get up at 6 AM so that I can shower, jerk the gherkin, get dressed, and take the car to the dealership by 7 for the 60,000 mile maintenance and to get the car professionally detailed. Need to have it nice and clean and impressive before I pick up a high-class whore at the airport on Friday.

  2. Hopefully finish with the car by 10 AM so I can return to work and see if my employees have actually done any work, or if they’ve spent the last three hours just fucking around on Youtube and Myspace. Break out the whip if that is the case.

  3. Respond to some of the 100 or so emails I get for work and 100 or so personal emails I get. Get some sales so that I can afford the extravagant weekend of booze, spa, steak dinners, and sexual deviance that I have planned.

  4. Get my weekly order of comic books for my second business, and sort them. Read this week’s best 5 or so. Save the others for later. Comics are art, mmk?

  5. Go to my barber and get my weekly haircut and shave. Make sure he remembers to do the sideburns better, and then ask if he’ll do my balls. Wait until he’s not using the straight razor near my jugular before asking. Enjoy my mini-facial.

  6. Take a nap. Maybe eat something. Remember to learn to eat while sleeping – it will save time.

  7. Return phone calls and voicemails. Post a blog entry for my corporate blog. Tell the lawn guy to stop driving over the hose. Tell the pool guy to put the hose away when he’s done. Tell the shrub guy to stay away from my wife’s garden.

  8. Finish my 50 things and start coming up with clever ideas for recording them. That don’t involve my penis talking to the camera.

  9. Do my nightly penis-lengthening exercises so I can reach my goal of 3.2 centimeters.

  10. Listen to two whores gab and gab for an hour in an online conference chat. Get one step closer to Googlebombing so that a search for “whore” brings up Britt’s site.

  11. Masturbate to donkey porn until I fall asleep in a sticky, gooey mess.

  12. Wake up an hour later and stumble to bed. Get ready to wake up in four hours.

 

What’s your day going to be like?

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55 Replies to “Fuckin’ Hump Day”

  1. Poppy

    I’ll be calling your work number and leaving you 50 messages so that you’re returning all your calls to me, but I won’t actually be at my desk when you call. :angel:

    And yes, I’m done working finally, so I am going to bed.

  2. bluepaintred

    Tell the shrub guy to stay away from my wife’s garden.

    that made me spit my coffee on my keyboard you jerk!

    also my day will involve coffee, computer, and children. maybe some chocolate.

    I like all things that start with C

  3. Kentucky Girl

    I think I’ll start with some of this: :boobs1:
    Then I’ll move on to some of this: :martini:

    Then I’ll be like :crazywife: on Doug to get on his work because I am not cleaning house.

    If he does all his work, we’ll move to this: :cocksuck2:

    I’ll eat something then take a :shit: .

    Then I’ll fuck around on the internet for a while. :clap:

  4. Amy

    Do you really want to know?

    I’ll have coffee, check my email and hope that Super Nekkie visited my blog before I even got up. Especially because I made sure to post EARLY so he wouldn’t have to wait.

    Then I’ll nag Mike until he makes me something for breakfast while I slave away at the computer alternating between msg’ing Super Nekkie and BoyBanger while “working.”

    Then I’ll try to fit in a workout and make it to Ethan’s track meet on time so that I can scream and yell until he makes it to the finish line.

    Then I’ll go home and work until dinner in between more msg’s from Super Nekkie and BoyBanger.

    Finally, I’ll go to bed and hope like mad that Maggie will fall asleep early so I can get some fun time with Mike. :boobs1:

    Your day might be more fun. :jerkoff2:

  5. Avitable

    Poppy, wow, you stayed up late, old lady!! 🙂

    BPR, why? That was a serious line. He sprays all type of shit over her garden when he’s working on the shrubs around them.

    Mist, you know the answer to that one! :sex014:

    Sheila, oh, you try, but I succeed!

    KG, you only go to the bathroom once during the day? Wow!

    Amy, your wishes have been fulfilled.

    DB, is it Friday yet?

    Mr. Fabulous, better get moving! And shaking and thrusting!

  6. Mistress Yoda

    1. Wakeup and sit in traffic for over an hour.
    2. Get coffee so I don’t pass out at my desk.
    3. Respond to comments by Avitable all day long.
    4. Sit in traffic on the way home.
    5. Get on the computer and respond to more comments by Avitable.
    6. Say hi to the man I live with before going back to my email.
    7. Go to sleep.

  7. Miss Britt

    So you’re the reason I’m suddenly getting “OMG YOU FUCKING ROCK MY SOX” emails now?

    Thanks :martini:

    And as for my day?

    1. trudge through the fucking SNOW because we are in a WINTER FUCKING STORM WARNING to get to work
    2. deal with last minute client “emergencies” stemming from clients not understanding DEADLINES and why we TELL YOU ABOUT THEM AHEAD OF TIME
    3. Chase down a muthafuckin’ contract so I can afford my extravagant weekend. and protection.
    4. Try to come up with new ways to thank Joe for saving my ass, and my blog, again last night.
    5. spend way too much mental energy trying to come up with a less whorish nickname for me and a more degrading nickname for YOU TWO (you know who you are)
    6. Drag my ass back home, through the MUTHAFUCKING SNOW!!!!!!
    7. Think about how I want to take a long hot bath and shave my legs while listening to Prince tell me how much he loves me
    8. Actually spend the rest of the night online, hoping for a glimpse of the fabulous talking penis.

    So. I’ve got that going for me.

  8. Avitable

    Britt, just remember that I get a cut of all your income, as your pimp. And there’s no snow here, and your extravagant weekend is all paid for. I’m immune to pepper spray, so don’t waste your time on protection, and the penis only talks to me, not to anyone else.

    Tracy, I bet there’s plenty of stickiness at casa de Kaply. Especially after watching the snake video.

  9. WeaponM

    I will simply be sitting in class this morning, not paying attention and wondering why I’m in college at all.

    I then will be going to work and possibly going insane and blowing the place up.

  10. themuttprincess

    I woke up. Woke my son up. Woke the boyfriend up. Ate. Got to drive to work in snow. Play in the internet for 8 hours while responding to personal emails before work emails. Nap on my desk after the boss leaves. Go home. Nap again. Go grocery shopping. Get some :sex011: and go to bed.

  11. cat

    You have a second business with comic books? I thought you just collected them for fun.

    Um, me? Not half as exciting as your day!

    1. Wake up at 5a in case school calls for work.
    2. Noone calls. I go back to bed.
    3. Move my car at 7:59 so it doesn’t get a ticket for street cleaning.
    4. Read blogs and emails ’til 9a
    5. Take shower and get ready.
    6. Spend the rest of the day on creative writing and my online course assignment.
    Yes, boh-ring life, but it’s mine : )

  12. Avitable

    Dawn, c’mon. I know you’re masturbating to donkey porn!

    WeaponM, but it’s such a wonderful place to work!

    Poppy, he wouldn’t get caught.

    DutchBitch, we should call tomorrow Saturday. Just you and I.

    TMP, are you one of my employees?

    Mistress Yoda, I know I’d be driving my car into everything in sight.

    Cat, I used to collect them. Now I’m a retailer, too. Sounds like quite the day!

    Jordie, they’re art. I cherish it by man-handling it.

    Clown, is it possible to even enjoy Lost anymore now that it’s a shitfest?

  13. Clown

    You know my thoughts on that subject…

    Besides, even though you camp out in front of the tv for it every week, I don’t go assuming that The War at Home is a shitfest.

  14. Avitable

    Clown, I love all of the sitcoms about mid- to lower class families and their relationship foibles!

    Poppy, I actually set my TV to explode if that show ever comes on.

    Britt, those are normal smilies, and having it spit on your face as you say “Please” doesn’t count as talking.

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