While it's not as cool as this whore getting interviewed for an e-zine, I am participating in an interesting meme that's making the rounds that I saw over at Mr. Fabulous's house of ill repute.

It’s not the sort of meme you get tagged with, you have to request the tag. It’s an interview meme. I requested that Mr. Fab ask me any five questions, and I have to answer them here. If you want to participate, just read the instructions at the bottom. So here we go…

1. I know you have a very strong drive to be successful. Would you prefer to make a lot of money with very little notoriety, or have a very moderate income but be very famous?

Above all things, I am an attention whore. But I'm also a high-maintenance attention whore. I believe that negative attention is better than no attention at all. At the same time, I have a certain lifestyle, and I'm not willing to compromise on that lifestyle – I need my expensive shampoos, weekly shaves, bacon cheeseburgers on demand, and midget hookers. Since I am an entrepreneur at heart, I think that if I was very famous and had a moderate income, I would soon be able to parlay that fame into a significant income, therefore having my cake and eating it too.

2. Having met your wife Amy I can attest that she is smart, funny, attractive, accomplished and charming. So what's the deal, really? How is it YOU manage to hang onto a woman like that?

Every night, when she comes home from work, I help her into her robe, get her slippers, give her a beer, and fluff her pillows on the couch. Then, I make dinner while listening intently to how her day was and responding accordingly. Finally, before she eats, I give her a full neck and shoulder massage. And right before she eats, I drug her food and perform nightly hypnosis that cements our relationship to the rock of love and trust that it currently is.

3. I suspect that you are like a Cadbury Egg, in that you are hard on the outside but soft and gooey on the inside. Also, you taste good. When is the last time that you had a good cry?

You'd be wrong. I'm just as tough and mean on the inside as I am on the outside. My heart is just a shriveled up piece of coal, and whatever soul I had as a kid disappeared long ago. I'm not nice or friendly or courteous or nostalgic or sappy or respectful. I last cried when Bruce Willis died in Armageddon because he was such a fucking retard to give up his spot for some young punk. Before that, I think I was 12.

4. You have made no secret of your disdain for vegetables and your unholy alliance with all things meaty. Just how impacted IS your colon?

I get plenty of roughage when I eat meat, because I don't bother unwrapping the sandwiches. Cardboard, paper, meat, cheese, and all. It all goes down the gullet. And we'll see who's laughing when I live to be 143 on a diet of cheeseburgers, birthday cake, and Diet Coke.

5. Inevitably, after both our wives have come to their senses and left us and you and I get together to drown our sorrows in diet soda and carnal pleaures, which of us will be pitching and which of us will be catching?

If I'm catching, I'll at least be able to surf the web at the same time, or do some work. so that sounds better for me. Pitching sounds like too much work.

Want to be part of it? Follow these instructions:

1. Leave me a comment saying, “Interview me.”
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

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