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5 Questions: An Interview

While it’s not as cool as this whore getting interviewed for an e-zine, I am participating in an interesting meme that’s making the rounds that I saw over at Mr. Fabulous’s house of ill repute.

It’s not the sort of meme you get tagged with, you have to request the tag. It’s an interview meme. I requested that Mr. Fab ask me any five questions, and I have to answer them here. If you want to participate, just read the instructions at the bottom. So here we go…

1. I know you have a very strong drive to be successful. Would you prefer to make a lot of money with very little notoriety, or have a very moderate income but be very famous?

Above all things, I am an attention whore. But I’m also a high-maintenance attention whore. I believe that negative attention is better than no attention at all. At the same time, I have a certain lifestyle, and I’m not willing to compromise on that lifestyle – I need my expensive shampoos, weekly shaves, bacon cheeseburgers on demand, and midget hookers. Since I am an entrepreneur at heart, I think that if I was very famous and had a moderate income, I would soon be able to parlay that fame into a significant income, therefore having my cake and eating it too.

2. Having met your wife Amy I can attest that she is smart, funny, attractive, accomplished and charming. So what’s the deal, really? How is it YOU manage to hang onto a woman like that?

Every night, when she comes home from work, I help her into her robe, get her slippers, give her a beer, and fluff her pillows on the couch. Then, I make dinner while listening intently to how her day was and responding accordingly. Finally, before she eats, I give her a full neck and shoulder massage. And right before she eats, I drug her food and perform nightly hypnosis that cements our relationship to the rock of love and trust that it currently is.

3. I suspect that you are like a Cadbury Egg, in that you are hard on the outside but soft and gooey on the inside. Also, you taste good. When is the last time that you had a good cry?

You’d be wrong. I’m just as tough and mean on the inside as I am on the outside. My heart is just a shriveled up piece of coal, and whatever soul I had as a kid disappeared long ago. I’m not nice or friendly or courteous or nostalgic or sappy or respectful. I last cried when Bruce Willis died in Armageddon because he was such a fucking retard to give up his spot for some young punk. Before that, I think I was 12.

4. You have made no secret of your disdain for vegetables and your unholy alliance with all things meaty. Just how impacted IS your colon?

I get plenty of roughage when I eat meat, because I don’t bother unwrapping the sandwiches. Cardboard, paper, meat, cheese, and all. It all goes down the gullet. And we’ll see who’s laughing when I live to be 143 on a diet of cheeseburgers, birthday cake, and Diet Coke.

5. Inevitably, after both our wives have come to their senses and left us and you and I get together to drown our sorrows in diet soda and carnal pleaures, which of us will be pitching and which of us will be catching?

If I’m catching, I’ll at least be able to surf the web at the same time, or do some work. so that sounds better for me. Pitching sounds like too much work.

Want to be part of it? Follow these instructions:

1. Leave me a comment saying, “Interview me.”
2. I will respond by emailing you five questions. I get to pick the questions.
3. You will update your blog with the answers to the questions.
4. You will include this explanation and an offer to interview someone else in the same post.
5. When others comment asking to be interviewed, you will ask them five questions.

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92 Replies to “5 Questions: An Interview”

  1. Poppy

    I have no doubt you’re living to be very old on that crazy diet of yours, as long as Amy doesn’t find out who you really are and start drugging your dinner. As for Cadbury eggs, I think you are one. But I’m still drunk.

  2. Avitable

    Crystal, I’ll email you shortly.

    Dave, if you want, you can just answer them here. I’m emailing you anyway!

    WeaponM, look at that. All fancy and shit with a blog now. I’ll email soon.

    Kimmie, don’t you know that’s just what I like to hear? You’re in trouble now!

    Mr. Fab, too late! Oh, and I’ll do anyone who asks, not just the first five.

    Maritza, yes, and you may regret it.

    Heather, can I just ask you to send me naked photos five times?

    Tracy, see? It’s all under control.

    Mistress Yoda, so you’re the catcher during buttsex?

    Paticus, your wish is my something.

    Poppy, I need to interview you quickly while you’re still drunk.

    Danalyn, you’re not horrible in singing music parodies, though. Here’s your ass kissing for today. :heartbeat:

    Mist1, *sniff*. Still does! :crying:

  3. Miss Britt

    FUCK!! I am not first five and I soooooo wanted to be interviewed. :crying:

    I can’t believe both you AND Mr. Fab want to catch. I think you have to be the first men in history (who are not openly gay) to ever admit that.

    AND – :heartbeat: :heartbeat: that you put a few regular smilies up. This is why I :cocksuck2: you.

  4. Amy

    Crys No… I’m the *other* Amy. Like the *other* white meat only different. Avi’s Amy would have to be a complete :angel: to tolerate him. I’m much more of a :pissed: kind of person.

  5. Avitable

    Mistress Yoda, suuuuuure.

    Laurie, after you wash your eyes out, come back. We’ll be here.

    Poppy, how about my pretty big head?

    TMP, check your email!

    Dawn, such a FUCKING pussy!

    Amy, follower!

    Britt, check your email. And catching just sounds easier.

    Mistress Yoda, done.

    Dragon, I know. I’m so modest and demure, too.

    Amy, you have been interviewed! And I know she’s lying. She wants more of this :tongue1:

    Jordie, that’s okay. The chain can be broken, I guess.

    Crystal, of course I did! I need to know! And Amy is not the same Amy as my Amy. My Amy does not blog. I usually refer to her as my wife to keep them separate. Amy from Amy’s Musings is a female version of me.

    Paticus, you should feel flattered.

    Amy, exactly!

  6. Avitable

    Amy, not the same physically – just mentally. You’re hot. I’m a gorilla.

    Crystal, no, you SHOULD be flattered, because you are the goddess Crystal! Paticus should be flattered that I didn’t ask him – he’s an ugly man like me!

  7. Amy

    Avi, Avi, Avi, you are too hot! Just as long as you keep the sexy goatee. No beards! They are SOOOOO 1980-something.

    And Crys – nice to meet you too. And, don’t encourage him to claim the smilies as offspring or I’ll never get him to join the “happy” parent club. :woohoo:

  8. Crys!

    and i agree. beards are too much. lots of growth there, lots of maintenance, lots of navigation. lots of commander ryker going on. a goatee is very fly for a white guy. WORK IT AVI, WORK IT. you’re 30 now; get yourself a tweed coat with those patch thingies on the elbows, get yourself a pipe, get yourself a goatee. FLY.

  9. Paticus

    I am an ugly man. And apprently a very 1980-something one at that, as I have a beard.
    I also have kids, but they are only 19 months old, so I’m not sure if I’m in the happy parent club or not.

  10. Avitable

    Paticus, you can tell me about your panties anytime, too.

    Hilly, I’ll try to refrain from any questions about you stabbing me in the back with your vote!

    Crystal, he’s much prettier in person.

    Poppy, ooh. :bukkake:

    BPR, check your email!

  11. Miss Britt

    Ya know, I pop in here and see two people talking constant smack about me. Two people who apparently have plenty of time to COMMENT… and yet no time to IM a woman in desperate need of fucking DISTRACTION.

    😛 to you BOTH.

  12. Amy

    Awwwwww, poor Brittini. I feel bad now. Of course, you could have IM’d me you lazy ho.

    And Avi… PUHLEEEEZE for the love of all things HOT and SEXY (and sticky and sweaty) do NOT grow the beard back.

    Just think if you start pilates and yoga now you might be able to reach your goal of masturbating WITH your super smooth face. That should be some serious incentive for a donkey porn addict such as yourself.


  13. NYC Watchdog

    Bruce Willis didn’t make me cry. I did get a little misty though when dumb ass Ben Affleck married Liv Tyler in the movie. I mean… what. the. fuck.

    Personally… I would have blown up the asteroid… and Steve Buscemi.

  14. TMLSB

    I’d like you to interview me, and I don’t mind interviewing another person, but fuck if I’m gonna interview EVERYONE that asks. Of course, I could ask them the same five questions.


    Okay, I’m in.

  15. Amy

    I think your claim of being tame might actually be true. I think you are such a well trained lovesick puppydog at home that you have to come here and fake it in blog land just so you can stand the sight of yourself. :sex007:

  16. stephanie

    Yay! Questions!! 😀

    1. What is your favorite drink?
    Grey Goose Extra Dirty Martini, straight up, with extra olives and ice on the side (to make sure it stays cold!)

    2. Did you read your Buffy comic? What did you think?
    OMG! It’s been sitting in my backpack, and I completely forgot about it because I am completely entrenched in my book! But, I did read the first few pages. I love the artwork, and the Jossisms definitely come through in the writing, but I haven’t gotten far enough along to make a complete judgement call. (As an aside, I have extra copies of Fray 1, 2 & 3, all in mint condition if you want them. Just let me know.)

    3. What is your #1 favorite song of all time?
    This is difficult, because I have such a love of music. I guess it depends on my mood.
    Sappy – Sucker – John Mayer
    Jaded Bitch – Black – Pearl Jam / Ironic – Alanis Morrisette
    Silly – Supercalifragalisticespialadocious
    Tough Girl – I Will not be Broken – Bonnie Raitt
    Sad – Dreaming with a broken heart – John Mayer
    (k, I’ll stop now 🙂

    4. If my wife says she’s okay with bigamy, will you move down to Florida?
    I’m totally selfish, and refuse to share my man with anyone, Avi. (You should know this by now!)

    5. Do you wear thongs, sexy boyshorts, granny panties, or go commando?
    Everything but granny panties. Depends on my mood, and what I’m wearing. Thongs, mostly. Boyshorts to sleep (if I’m not sleeping naked.) Commando when it’s totally hot out and I want to wear as little as possible.

  17. Avitable

    KG, you have been emailed. And I think you should send me a picture of your boobs, since you got to play with all of mine.

    HCG, it’s good for the lazy blogger. You have been served!

    Sandra, thanks for the comment. I took pity upon you and interviewed you. You might be sorry after seeing my questions, though!

  18. cat

    hmmm… I’m a scaredy cat… I’ll have to pass on the questions… I prefer image control over honesty, hardy har har… I’m “deeply superficial” : )

  19. Kimmie

    okley dokely, I’m totally done with the interview questions…I think you went a little easy on me, thanks be to god! I was mighty scared there for a bit.

    As for your beard/goatee question: I like them both. I’d never dated a guy with any facial hair til I met Colin (2nd hubby), so I’m kinda hooked on it now, he’s had both and on him I prefer the beard.

  20. Stephanie

    I know this is a bit old, but I was recently interviewed and decided to track back the source of my interview as far as I could. Eventually I stopped at 10. I hadn’t realized how widespread the interview meme was, and was also intrigued by how diverse the blogs that I found were. I’m in a bit of a blogging slump right now, so I thought I’d ask the 10 blogs that I found to interview me and see what happens. You’re number 5.

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