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Bullets are flying

I have just realized that almost every post I’ve written in recent history has had either bullets or a numbered list as the focus of the post. What the fuck is up with that? And here I was about to do a lazy Friday bullet post, but I can’t!

So now I have to write an actual post. And since people are more likely to read bullets because they can skim, all of this genius and writing effort will be wasted. In fact, I bet that nobody even reads this sentence and can post a comment telling me which word is spelled wrong. But, I digress. On with the rest of my rambling post.

Certifiable Princess:

Before I forget, I needed to pimp out my favorite JAP (sorry, Steph and Robin, but she knows where I live!). She’s the chick with a dick, the Jew who wants my goo, the beauty with a great booty, the New Yawker who wants my cock in’er, Certifiable Princess:! And she’s up for Best Shopping Blog, so go vote for her.

Weekend of Horror!

Tonight I have a very special visitor coming for four days to take advantage of me fiscally, emotionally, materially, and physically. By the end, I’ll be eating tons of Ibuprofen and will be tired, cranky, liable to snap at a moment’s notice, and sobbing constantly. I’m talking, of course, about my period. Oh yeah, and Britt‘s visiting.

We had a conversation once about a year ago where I asked if I could sell her into white slavery, since she was so hot and all. She misunderstood and thought I was asking if I could hire her to sell for me bravely. I never wanted to correct her, so I didn’t, and now she’s coming down for what she thinks is an interview. However, on Tuesday, there is a Lithuanian gentleman named Farvis with a blonde Midwestern fetish who will be quite happy. And I’ll be $25 simoleans richer.

My Balls

So, I decided to shave my balls. I started by using clippers, and trimmed them down to about 1/4 of an inch. Then, I started using wax to get rid of them. After doing the balls, which was so painful that I passed out four times, there was something clearly wrong. With a hairy man-bush, hairy legs, a hairy ass, and a hairy back, my balls just started glowing as the only hairless part of my body. They looked like floating orbs among a forest of pubic yarn. So I decided that I needed to remove more hair for it to look more natural. Out came the wax again, and six painful hours later, the man-bush was gone. But the hairy stomach, happy trail, legs, and ass, all remained. So, just like when you’re trying to make your sideburns even and end up shaving them all the way up to your hairline, this became a very slippery slope.

After the balls and the man-bush, I was left with the pubic area of a 10-year old boy (except larger. Maybe). Then I did the legs so that I looked like a shaved gorilla from the crotch down. I think I’ll get more fluid dynamics when swimming in the pool now! After the legs, I just started on the stomach and chest, until all that was left was my back, head, face, and arms.

Doing the arms were easy. That was nothing. The back, however, took some creativity. What I did was roll around in the hot wax that I put in a plastic kiddie pool. Then I jumped onto the strips that were laying on the floor, until they covered my back. Finally, I attached a string to the strips and tied it to the car’s front bumper, and then just let the car roll down a hill. Sounds like a good plan, eh? No. The strips held firm and dragged me down the hill a bit until I got lodged against another car and they ripped free in one painful move. The car rolled into the lake, but at least now I have the smoothest back of any ape alive.

So now, after finishing my face, all I need is somebody to help me wax my asshole. Any volunteers?


Other than being the day I get paid $25 for selling Britt into slavery, it’s also the day that (I can barely handle the excitement) Avril Lavigne’s new CD comes out! *squeal*!!! I’m so excited!

And that’s it for today. Happy Friday and I’ll try to post during the weekend if I survive.

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51 Replies to “Bullets are flying”

  1. Amy

    First, you brain sucking bastard, I would be the LAST person to ask if something is not spelled correctly. I’m down to 3 and the occasional 4 letter word during conversations with you.

    Second, I suggest you start drinking again if you want to keep up with Miss B.

    Third, hairless men are creepy.

    You may now go about your business.

  2. bluepaintred

    why did we end up talking about disgusting man hair on the same day again?

    also. i copy and pasted the post into my word document thingy. it says you have fragmented sentences, and doesnt accept Yawker , in’er, goo, Farvis, simoleans and kiddie.

  3. Mist 1

    Any comment that I had was been erased from my memory when you wrote “*squeal*”

    Av, we need to talk. Men don’t squeal. You are making my vagina dry up. I mean, the snake was hot and all, but the squealing has got to stop.

    An a$$hole waxing is not going to fix the problem. But, I will offer to hold back one cheek.

  4. bobbarama

    I saw your messages about Ross and Rosie in the Blogger’s Choice Awards. Couldn’t agree more.

    And, actually, I was ahead of you. I wrote a letter to the company running the contest several days ago — under the Contact Us button at the top of the page — when I realized that Ross and Rosie were just beginning to overrun everyone in seven or eight categories. They’re probably just getting warmed up in another half dozen categories for all I know.

    I suggested that they do some damage control while they can by making an announcement that a blogger can’t win more than one category, because otherwise Ross and Rosie will clean up. Celebrity and corporate bloggers versus the rest of us. I don’t have to tell you how it’s going to turn out.

    The gist of their response was that the rest of us must not be campaigning ‘hard-core’ enough like that Ross guy. (You kidding me??!!) And, actually, the woman who wrote the response is cheering Ross on at his NBC blog.

    I wrote her again tonight telling her they should rename the contest Celebrity’s Choice … because that’s what it’s turning into.

    Oh, hey … you might want to let your friend Drivel know what’s going on, because I don’t think he sees the train wreck coming yet.

    Personally, I think everyone should complain. Like I said in my letter, the contest is quickly turning into a joke.

    See ya ’round.

  5. NYC Watchdog

    I would just like to point out that while CP may have originated in “New Yawk”… well she has been Floridified. Especially if she still wants you after seeing how you fucked that snake in that video. Yeah… I know it was you… I mean… who else would do that???

    Only you… only you.

  6. DeniseTN

    Uh. Avril Lavigne? Uh. Squeal? WTF is wrong with you? Did the loss of all that hair do something to your brain? Did you use toxic wax?

    Maybe you could get Miss Britt to wax your asshole before you make the sale.

  7. Avitable

    WeaponM, actually, I don’t mind Kelly Clarkson after watching her get up on stage drunk and sing along at a concert she was at.

    Amy, hairless men are creepy. Luckily I grew it all back within 30 minutes.

    Sheila, ummmm……yes. I did. I only do that about teeny bopper music and when having sex.

    BPR, the word “wrong” was spelled “wrong”. Thanks, though! And body hair always makes for a good topic.

    Dave, no dildos. But I do have an orange traffic cone sitting here . . .

    Mist, it’s a manly squeal. Like tires on the pavement. I knew I could count on you for help – you can come over and talk to me about things that don’t make your vagina dry up anytime.

    Jacki, there’s an idea!

    Bobbarama, thanks for the comment. We should just start a “Fuck PPP” campaign. Check your email.

    Pablo, it was clearly obvious, but they were fun. Now the fun has been sucked out of the awards faster than Rosie O’Donnell’s fat was sucked out of her ass.

    NYCWD, did I not do it right? How do you fuck snakes in New York?

    Mr. Fabulous, it grows back quickly. There will be plenty for us.

    DB, you don’t pass out when you wax your balls?

    RW, fuck. I knew I was doing it for a reason.

    Denise, I have the music tastes of a 12-year old girl. So sometimes I squeal like one.

    Heather, I used to, in my gay porn days. Ahh, memories.

  8. Poppy

    I already voted for CP. As is NYCWD, I’m pretty pissed off the “professional” blogs are now in the running for these awards. There should be separate categories for Rosie and the NBC intern. Stupidity.

    Yay, Avril! I’m going to buy through iTunes so that I don’t have to wait for our slowass post office to deliver my gd mail.

    Happy Friday the 13th. Make sure you have a “safe word” for this weekend! :sex007:

  9. Avitable

    Mistress Yoda, I don’t even think that I could afford what a professional waxer would charge for my hirsute self. And that is pretty JAP! CP has big hair, though.

    Poppy, they’ve actually removed them from the other categories! My safe word will be “Ow” – will that work?

    Clown, I know you’re still traumatized from the last time you waxed my asshole.

    Britt, you get a new life with Farvis, who will buy you all the shoes you want!

  10. Webmiztris

    awww, that’s so sweet of you to wax your balls for Britt! I hope she appreciates your efforts.

    And woo hoo! Avril CD is coming out? OMG, I just MUST get to the record store immediately! That’s some quality rock and roll right there!! pfft. :loser:

  11. Avitable

    Poppy, how about “As you wish”?

    Crystal, yeah she is. Kelly Clarkson isn’t bad either.

    Dawn, smartass. And I didn’t want Britt to get hair in her mouth.

    TMP, I couldn’t help it.

    Jordie, well, aren’t you fucking clever? :jerkoff2:

  12. Poppy

    That might be a bit confusing, because if you tell me “as you wish” I’m just going to keep doing what I’m doing. But if that’s what you want then that’s what you’ll get. :sex014:

  13. Avitable

    Jordie, she is original! And hot!

    Poppy, I’m sure there are other Princess Bride references we can use.

    Amy, he wanted them slightly damaged. Makes it easier.

    Joefish, did she do that to you? What a whore!

  14. Crys!

    am i missing something? are those blog awards like, actually cool or something? i mean, don’t get me wrong, i will vote for you all night long, but you know, us against like, youtube? LOL!

  15. CP

    :crazywife: That’s for Joe! Hehehehhe.

    You had me literally pissing myself with the “Shaving my Balls” post. Fucking hysterical!!!!

    And thank you for the pimp. I owe you one… :cocksuck2: :sex011: :3some: :bukkake: :sex003:

  16. Avitable

    Crystal, the site is cool. The awards are shite. I like the new gravatar! :sex023:

    TMP, my squeal is a good quality!

    CP, you are my favorite princess.

    Hotband, I’ll help with the asshole. It’s the last I can do.

  17. Avitable

    TMP, one can only hope.

    Laurie, read here (#31) to learn what I do with my hair.

    Cat, I even have squirrels and other woodland creatures down there.

    Tracy, thank you for reading everything I write! :bukkake:

    Crystal, you look good in red.

    Maritza, now that is a brilliant idea.

    BPR, yes, you should. That just makes it funnier.

  18. Tug

    I’m late to the ‘wrong’ & ‘sentance’ party, but at least I got to hear you squeal. Life is good…..

    Do you have the latest “Jane” & “Lucky” magazines for your Avril fix – 2 time covergirl in one month, nice… :woohoo:

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