If you were awesome enough to vote for me in the Blogger's Choice Awards, you may continue reading this post. If you didn't vote for me, abstained from voting altogether, or are looking for posts about fisting your wife, fuck off. The rest of you can continue to the full post . . .
Now, many, many people totally kicked ass by voting for me, and I did well. And for a while, I was even winning. But Mr. Fabulous has taken the lead by a hefty margin. It's okay - he's been around longer and his readership and traffic is significant, so I'm just happy I was able to be a contender for this long.
Currently, though, the new contender for 1st place is a fucking whorebag of a blogger named Dooce. Any fucking cunt who won't even put comments on her blog doesn't deserve to be called a blogger, much less win for Best Humor Blog. She's not funny. She's no George Carlin or Bill Hicks or Chris Rock. She ranges from mildly amusing to painful, like Sinbad or Carrot Top. Her writing is amateurish and utter shit, and I can't think of a single redeeming factor for her blog.
So I've decided to throw my support behind Fab. Even if you've voted for me and abstained from voting for him, go do so now. I know, I know. The Blogger's Choice Awards are clearly a pathetic attempt on the part of PayPerPost to avoid going bankrupt. They're trying to convince people to shell out fuckloads of money for PostieCon so that they can make it through the summer without crashing and burning. And if anyone thinks that we'll still have PPP this time next year, I have some real estate to sell you.
But right now it's the principle of the thing. Dooce cannot win.
And, as I said, as thanks for voting for me, here is an autographed picture just for you. Just print it out and frame it at your local frame store and you'll have art that will only increase in value. This is an investment for your future.
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That's mighty big of you...just after I voted for you, sheesh ;).
Um, I don't wanna win Best Blog of All Time (Dave should) but I wish I could beat her too...or at least that damned Cute OVerload!
Comments by Hilly
Your schlong is too long!
Comments by Geeky Tai-Tai
I appreciate the support, bro. Yeah, she's comin' up fast and in the other category I am getting my ass kicked by puppies and kitties.
So um...yeah, it's a proud day for me
I always take extra time to enjoy the smilies when I am at home because I can't keep them on the screen for long when I am at work.
Comments by Mr. Fabulous
OMG! What is the world coming to! Fab being threatened by Dooce and getting his ass kicked by puppies and kittens! Sigh...
Voted!
Comments by DutchBitch
Gee, thanks for the picture. I didn't know your dog was that tall...
When violating livestock I prefer using honey as a lubricant, it has the additional benefit of attracting ants.
They bite.
That's fun.
Comments by Kal Jones
Douche cannot win! She's not even funny...she's just full of herself.
Comments by DeniseTN
Hilly, it was the thought that counted! Dave should win that category, as well, and if he cared and campaigned, I think he would.
Geeky, nothing wrong with a too-long schlong, non?
Fab, I know you'd do the same for me!
DB, especially when it comes to humor. She's not funny, people!
Kal, Crisco likes to heat up during the friction, so you cook just a little each time. That's fun.
Denise, I know. No comments? What a whore.
Comments by Avitable
It looks dangerously weapon-like.
Comments by Geeky Tai-Tai
Are you fucking KIDDING ME?! DOOCE?! C'MON.
That's it, I'm all done caring about those awards, which is precisely why I vow to continue to have yearly Poppy awards so I can give proper credit where proper credit is due. Someone needs to nominate Avi for best donkey, snake, and elephant porn blog this year because it'd look shady if I do it myself since I'm the judge.
(Tug? You're the only one reading my blog besides Avi, it might need to be you.
)
Comments by Poppy
See... I already voted for Fab AND you... but your right... Dooce cannot win.
Action must be taken.
Comments by NYC Watchdog
I'm bringing this in as my illustrator for Friday.
Comments by Jordie
I hadn't voted... simply because I didn't want to fucking register. But Douche (thanks Denise!
) can.not.win. so I'm heading there now. 
Comments by Laci
Do you want me to kick Dooce's ass?
Comments by heather
What a gentleman.
I voted already... And the only important part of that is that I didn't vote for Douche.
Comments by themuttprincess
Based solely on my loyalty to you, I have just voted for Mr. Fab. Thankfully he is winning by a long shot over Douche.
Comments by Poppy
Horse, Donkey, or a Really Big Dog?
Comments by Dave2
Hm. That's not how I remember it...
Comments by Miss Britt
I keep forgetting to mention this:
You're a very good artist Avi! So much detail!
Comments by DeniseTN
Geeky, it's drawn actual size, not to scale.
Poppy, sounds like a plan.
NYCWD, yes, I agree.
Jordie, by illustrator, do you mean illustration? Dur.
Laci, beat the Douche!
Heather, she needs it.
TMP, exactly.
Poppy, let's just hope he can keep it that way.
Dave, burro.
Britt, well, clearly, as it shows in the picture, you were facing away from me.
Denise, I know. I'm one of those photographic realism artists.
Comments by Avitable
No. Illustrator. We research one every week, dumbass.
Comments by Jordie
I can take her. I'll unleash the redhead in me.
Comments by heather
Yeah, Dooce CANNOT win!!! I'll vote for Fab too.
And, Heather, you can count me in on the ass whooping!
Comments by stephanie
stephanie - we can take her. easy.
Comments by heather
Yeah we could, Heather!
Comments by stephanie
Jordie, I see. Then you should definitely research me. I can send you naked pictures for background, if you need them.
Heather, I'm sure you can unleash the redhead! No fury like one!
Steph, I'd never want to mess with you either.
Comments by Avitable
ask and you shall receive.
Comments by Crys!
I HATE that fucking DOOCE.
Douche. heh-heh.
I agree, it's NOT a fucking blog without comments, it's "Come and worship at the altar of Dooce, you stupid peons."
That fucking cunt is buying a new house now, thanks to her adoring fans, and she can't even let them comment?
And WTF, is she SERIOUS about the monthly posts about her daughter, like, "Lena is now 38 months old." WTF? Or is that SUPPOSED to be funny? It's not, it's just dumb.
When the kid starts High School is she gonna be all "Month: 172, Lena starts High School.."
Anyhoo, the voting thing, I don't see you voting for me, whore. And where's your button? Not "your" button, "my" button, for you to put up on your blog.
Comments by annie
annie is your blog up? WHERE? i vote 4 u! i vote 4 u!
Comments by Crys!
"No fury like one!" Damn straight.
Comments by heather
We're not looking for history of STD's.
We're looking for history of ART!
Remember, you cherish it?
Comments by Jordie
Chrys-
Visit me, I give you a search pointer on my latest post.
Comments by annie
hooooooooooooo
i'm glad i activated comments way back then, sir. now i know why everybody was so hostile! sheeeeeeshandshush!
Comments by Crys!
...i asked joefish to go grab your button and put it on my site. heheh that sounded durrty
Comments by Crys!
Thanks Chrys!
And Avi.
I like me some button action.
Avi needs to put my button up, too.
My "Gaggle of Whiny Whores" Club is growing!
Comments by annie
awww, come on....why don't you tell us how you really feel about Dooce? LOL
I don't get it either. I find her blog to be ho-hum at best.
Comments by webmiztris
Dooce
Comments by WeaponM
I voted for both you and fab. I cant print the picture out because of the children. Im sure you understand
why does the size of your peen change each photo?
i read dooce, but i refuse to support her in anyway. number one, the no comments pisses me the fick off. number two, i hate her becuase she gets paid to sit on her ass and blog.
jealousy is ugly, even on me
Comments by bluepaintred
Crystal, thanks! We shall beat the Douche.
Annie, I voted for you. That button will mess with my awesome design, and I don't see a church banner on your site. :)
Heather, so I'd better never piss you off!
Jordie, my body is a temple of art.
Dawn, should I be even more explicit? Heh.
WeaponM, nicely put.
BPR, That's a safe picture for children. It should go on your fridge. And doesn't Jittery Joe's penis change size every day? From 6 inches to 3 feet? Hmm. Maybe I should have that looked into.
Comments by Avitable
I pretty much gave up on the game, I'm way the fuck behind even though my design is obviously the best. It's ok, at least I know you'll come by and harass me everyday...at least I have that.
Comments by Mistress Yoda
Poppy, just let me know when! I saw your ode to Avi on the 'other blog'...hee.
GO FAB!
Comments by Tug
That drawing does nothing for me without animation.
Comments by Mist 1
Mistress Yoda, it's true. Your design is awesome. And I'll harass you all day long.
Tug, I know! I got my own "Ode"!
Mist, you got to see the real thing, so I figured that was sufficient.
Comments by Avitable
The cuntbag is beating me for design. FOR DESIGN, MAN. Can you believe that? Have you SEEN her design? Not that I really fucking care, but it is the principle of it all. I hope she wins every category so that people can tell PPP to fuck off and die.
Comments by Kentucky Girl
no! she must win nothing!
Comments by Crys!
C'mon people! VOTE DAMMIT! Dooce must not win! I don't care if Adam did call me a cunt once, I think it's cuz he was in a bad mood...hey, we all need caffeine and I still like him anyways *grin* Hrmmmmm, mebbe it was all the damn pink, but sheesh I thought ALL men liked pink?!? Errrm I mean salmon, yeah, salmon that's it. Of course I could just be deluded and he reminds me of my hubby with all that hair and snarkiness...
Comments by Kimmie
KG, good point. Maybe we should support her to win so that PPP loses.
Crystal, your enthusiasm is infectious!
Kimmie, I don't believe it was me in a bad mood - it was in response to you being in a bad mood, right?
Comments by Avitable
yup musta been
Comments by Kimmie