Thank you for watching the video of “50 Things I’ve Done” and entering the contest to guess the 20 that were false. I’m going to announce the winner, give the scores publicly so that those of you who know me better can be proud of yourselves and the rest of you can be ashamed, and explain all 50 answers. Let’s start with that. The first 10 are here, and the remaining 40 are behind the link:
- Almost hit Queen Latifah with my car
TRUE. When I lived in Los Angeles, she and Steve Martin were filming “Bringing Down the House” on the first floor of the building where I worked. I was leaving work and driving down the street, when she and her two bodyguards decided to cross the street without looking. I honked and missed her by about a foot.
- Almost hooked up with a woman that ended up being a man
FALSE. I’ve never randomly hooked up with anyone that I didn’t know very well. I’m not a whore!
- Almost majored in Religion in college
TRUE. While my true major was East Asian Studies, I took enough religion classes that there was a point at which I almost switched my major. I can’t even imagine how my life would have been different if I had.
- Ate 6 Whoppers in one sitting
TRUE. And we’re not talking about the malted chocolate balls that we all love. Six Burger King Whopper sandwiches demolished at once. When I’m hungry, you’d better watch out. All fingers and hands should stay away from the Great Maw.
- Ate a jar of olives in one sitting on a dare
FALSE. Olives are evil. I won’t even eat one.
- Ate a thumbtack
FALSE. I really have no interest in ever pooping something that sharp and pointy.
- Ate an entire piece of pizza in one bite
TRUE. When I was a kid, I played baseball and softball. After a game, we would go to a place called Mr. Gatti’s, which was an awesome pizza buffet. At one of these post-game celebrations, I managed to fit an entire slice of pepperoni pizza into my mouth, chew it, and swallow it.
- Blew up an unfinished house when I was a teen
FALSE. We used to vandalize the unfinished houses, and I’m sure I left some DNA evidence all over the walls at some of those places, but I never blew one up.
- Came in 2nd in the regional spelling bee when I was only in 6th grade
TRUE. In 6th grade, I was only 10. I came in second to a 14-year old 8th grader. My dad and I went all the way to the state competition, where I was eliminated on the word “duly”. The judge pronounced it “dually” because he had a deep Southern accent. I’ll never forgive him – fucking redneck cocksucker.
- Caused an orange truck to flip over, spilling tens of thousands of oranges across the interstate
TRUE. When I was in town for my wedding, I went to the airport to pick up my cousin Julianne. On I-95, right before getting on the ramp for I-4, I got right in front of a truck hauling thousands and thousands of oranges. The driver didn’t like how close I was to his front bumper, so he jerked the truck in the lane next to me, and then yanked the wheel back over in front of me. This caused his trailer to sway, which tipped the entire truck over in the breakdown lane. Tens of thousands of oranges spilled all over the interstate. This is enough of a story that I’ll save the rest for its own post someday.
- Checked the dean of my law school’s email every day since I knew his password
TRUE. I would skip class during law school and go hang out in the computer lab with the tech support guys. One day, they were working on the dean’s laptop and needed his password. One of them yelled it out, and I just happened to be there. For the next two and a half years, I checked his email daily to see what was happening at the school. I learned a lot about which professors wanted raises, which students were troublemakers, and, most importantly, what they were saying about me with some of the pranks and anonymous stuff I was doing.
- Deejayed in college for four years
TRUE. Throughout all four years of college, I was a DJ on WLUR 91.5, our college radio station. I played a variety of music, but mainly tried to be funny. And sometimes I succeeded!
- Did a donut with my car in Patrick Stewart’s lawn
FALSE. My old boss, Asshole Incarnate the Leader of all that is Unholy, Evil and Stupid, lived across the street from Patrick Stewart, and while a few parties may have ended with some drunken drivers going up in the lawn to do a U-turn, there were no donuts.
- Donated dirty underwear to charity
FALSE. I don’t believe in charity.
- Driven my car at 130 mph down the highway
TRUE. My Acura Integra would top out right around 130. The cars around us would start to blur a bit, everything came up on you way too fast, and there was a nice gentle shudder as the car pushed itself right to the limit. I loved that shit.
- Drove from Florida to Boston straight through without sleeping
FALSE. I’ve got fortitude, and I can stay awake for many hours, but that’s one drive I’ve never done. The most I’ve driven without sleeping was 15 hours, and that was torture.
- Drove my car into a tree when I fell asleep
FALSE. I’ve never fallen asleep while driving. And I’ve never crashed into a tree.
- Failed a law school course because I never went to a single class
TRUE. I took Labor Law because my wife was taking it. He had a multiple choice exam, so I opted not to attend class. When it came time to study at the end of the semester, though, TBS was running “15 Days of 007”, and I got hooked. So I used my best judgment on the exam and still managed to get one point away from passing. I ended up taking a Sports Law class over the summer to make up for it, which was fun.
- Got arrested for statutory rape when I was 17 and she was 16 (the charges were dropped)
FALSE. I only dated girls at least three years younger than I was. That way, at least, we’d be at the same maturity level.
- Got hit in the eye with a stick thrown by my brother and had to wear an eyepatch
TRUE. I was walking out to the car with my mom to go to a friend’s, when my brother, six years my junior, decided to throw a stick at my head while he called my name. I turned around just in time to get hit right in the eye. One visit to the ophthalmologist later, and I have an awesome new eyepatch to wear while my eye heals.
- Got my penis caught in the suction of the skimmer hole in a pool and had to ask a friend to turn off the pump
FALSE. While I have been naked in a pool (who hasn’t) with an erection (who hasn’t) and may have ventured too close to the skimmer hose (anyone?) I never got stuck.
- Got pulled over by a police officer when I was “naked driving”
TRUE. If he had asked me to get out of the car, I would have been seriously fucked. As it was, I managed to keep my shorts laid across my lap like I was wearing them, and he just didn’t notice.
- Had a threesome with two sisters
FALSE. Only if the sisters were my palm and fingers.
- Had an anthrax scare during my wedding that quarantined half of my guests
TRUE. I got married on October 13, 2001. Barely one month after 9/11. While my guests were staying in their hotel, a man ran into the lobby, dropped an envelope filled with white powder, and ran out. The hotel was subsequently quarantined and all guests were held until it was determined that there was nothing dangerous. Needless to say, it was frustrating!
- Have a doctorate
TRUE. I graduated from law school, and have a Juris Doctorate, also known as a Doctorate of Jurisprudence. So call me Dr. Avitable from now on, fuckers.
- Have been published/quoted by MAD Magazine and the New York Times
TRUE. I had a letter published in MAD, and I was quoted in the New York Times in 2004 as an expert in my field.
- Knocked a girl out with one punch
FALSE. I’d never strike a woman, unless I was slapping her in the face with my penis.
- Lost my bathing suit at the beach in 8th grade with all of my classmates watching
TRUE. I was wearing a suit that was a bit too large, and bodysurfing in the waves proved too much. The suit fell down so quickly that I had to dive back into the ocean and find it. Luckily, I did.
- Majored in East Asian Studies
TRUE. For four years of college, I took Japanese language classes, Asian art and religion classes, and other cultural courses. I spoke passable Japanese after college, but that’s slowly gone by the wayside.
- Masturbated to Madonna’s “Express Yourself” video
TRUE. Have you seen this video? Madonna is seriously erotic in it, and at 12, when the video came out, it was the closest thing I could get to porn. There’s also a lot of naked men in it, so I may be gay but just don’t realize it.
- Memorized all of the elements of the Periodic Table in order and could recite them
TRUE. My friends and I would sit around the lunch table in high school and see who could name the most elements the quickest without screwing up. We’d do Calculus for fun, and we’d quote the Naked Gun and the Simpsons. Yes, I was the world’s biggest geek. But you know what? I make more money than you and have a gorgeous wife so fuck off!
- Met Mark Hamill
TRUE. I got to meet Mark Hamill at a comic book store in Burbank. He was promoting a comic that he had written, and they had barely publicized it, which meant that nobody was there. He was the nicest guy, and we specifically avoided talking about Star Wars. Instead we talked about his animation work and other things that interested him. It was very cool.
- Moved from home to Saint Louis without anywhere to live
FALSE. I don’t do anything spontaneously. I had an apartment in Saint Louis that I rented sight unseen. It was horrid, but it was home until I met my wife and we moved in with each other within a few months.
- Peed on a frat brother at a party in college because I was drunk
FALSE. While yes, I was in a fraternity for a little while before getting kicked out, I never got drunk at a fraternity party, and I never peed on any of the brothers. I usually did security at the parties.
- Pierced my ear in college
FALSE. I’ve never pierced anything. I’ve never gotten a tattoo. I don’t believe in them.
- Played guitar in a band in high school called Cobain’s Brains
FALSE. I am the most tone-deaf person you have ever known. I couldn’t play guitar if my life depended on it. Although the name of the band is clever. I wish I had a band like that.
- Purchased alcohol at 15 without a fake ID
TRUE. I had a beard at 15, was 6’0″, built like a wall, and had a very deep voice. I was able to buy liquor very easily.
- Raced William H. Macy
TRUE. In Burbank, at a stoplight, I looked over and saw William H. Macy in a Porsche 911 next to me. We were the first ones at the light, so I revved my engine. I thought he did too, because he was looking over and smiling. The light turned green and I floored it, and only noticed about half a mile later that he was driving 25 like an old woman. So I raced him, even if he didn’t race me.
- Sleptwalked outside naked when I was 15
TRUE. I woke up outside, naked, sitting on the doghouse. I don’t remember how I got there, but when I tried to go back in the house, the door was locked. Apparently, my sister heard me go outside, woke up to use the bathroom and locked the door. She didn’t know I was out there – the sound of the door woke her up. I knocked on her window and told her to unlock the door, then hid until she did, and then once she went back to bed, ran inside.
- Smoked pot
FALSE. I’ve never even smoked a cigarette, much less pot. I don’t have a problem with it – I just never had any interest.
- Spent $400 on chewing gum at one time
TRUE. I’m addicted to gum. Sugar-free Extra, usually, but I sometimes change it up. I buy my gum in bulk online, and have easily spent over $400 on enough gum to last me several months.
- Streaked through a bowling alley and almost got arrested
FALSE. This one isn’t even based in truth at all. I’d never streak through a bowling alley. An all-girls Catholic school, maybe.
- Swam the 500 meter race in a speedo when I was on the high school swim team.
TRUE. I did the 500 at every meet for four years. I enjoyed it. I never won, but I rarely lost either. And that was fine with me.
- Swam with an alligator
TRUE. This was not on purpose. Now, first of all, alligators in Florida are not aggressive against humans unless they’ve gotten too comfortable with them. When I was a camp counselor for a summer camp, we went to a local spring for the day. One kid said he saw a gator, and they cleared the entire spring. After 10 minutes, when nobody saw the alligator anywhere, I got back in and swam out to retrieve the kid’s float. As I did, I saw, about five feet in front of me, the alligator floating in the reeds, staring at me. He was about 10 feet long. I stared at him for a minute or two, and once my legs started working again, I slowly swam away from the gator, making sure I faced him the whole time. He never moved.
- Threw a mailbox into a lake
TRUE. I was a shithead as a kid. We dug up this guy’s mailbox and threw it into a lake. The frightening part is that it was back in the right spot the next morning. We also put gasoline in a koi pond, pulled out one light per chain of everyone’s Christmas lights so they wouldn’t work, vandalized houses under construction, and peeked in everyone’s windows.
- Took off my pants while driving a car with manual transmission without crashing
TRUE. In two different situations. After prom, I changed out of my tux while driving a stick shift and put on shorts. And when I used to make the long drive back to college after the holidays, I’d stave off boredom by doing naked driving, which entailed stripping off my clothes while driving 90 mph on the interstate.
- Tried to run across a pool that had a cover on it and almost drowned
FALSE. I had a friend who tried that, though, and we had to pull him out with the pole that has the net on it. It was amazing how quickly the pool cover folded up around him.
- Watched 13 episodes of Law and Order straight through without moving
TRUE. In law school, I took a lazy day and watched the marathon that was on TNT. It was the first and last episodes for every main character, including the one when Claire got killed. Best legal education ever.
- Worked for 36 hours straight
TRUE. In Los Angeles, on a day when I fired one of my writers, I had no choice but work straight through from 7:30 AM on Thursday morning until 7:30 PM that Friday night to get all of his work done so we stayed in business. Around 5 AM on Friday morning, I ran across to the Los Angeles Athletic Club where I had a membership, and showered and changed, ate an energy bar and went back to work. By that night I was barely functional, and I slept for about 19 hours straight.
- Wrote a small book that I self-published
FALSE. I have yet to get a book written. Although I will someday, you can be sure of that.
Is this post long enough for you yet? Well, it’s not over yet! I still have to give the scores, and announce the winner! I’ll list the name, how many of the fake ones they guessed, and the numbers of the ones they guessed that were actually true.
Number of fakes picked (out of 20):
Donna (Wrong answers: 1, 3, 7, 10, 18, 22, 24, 25, 29, 30, 37, 41, 44, 48)
Franky: (Wrong answers: 10, 11, 12, 18, 22, 24, 29, 30, 37, 46)
Cheri: (Wrong answers: 1, 10, 24, 31, 38, 39, 41, 44, 46, 48)
Crystal:(Wrong answers: 1, 10, 12, 18, 22, 24, 25, 26, 29, 38, 41, 44)
Denise: (Wrong answers: 7, 10, 12, 22, 24, 25, 29, 37, 38, 41, 43, 46)
Molly: (Wrong answers: 4, 7, 20, 22, 24, 29, 38, 39, 41, 44, 46)
Tracy Lynn: (Wrong answers: 1, 10, 18, 22, 28, 30, 38, 41, 43, 44, 46)
Cat: (Wrong answers: 3, 4, 7, 10, 18, 20, 24, 38, 41, 44, 48)
Dawn: (Wrong answers: 1, 10, 11, 22, 24, 25, 29, 30, 38, 41, 44)
Heather: (Wrong answers: 1, 3, 10, 15, 24, 29, 31, 38, 39, 41, 48)
Jen: (Wrong answers: 1, 7, 9, 18, 25, 29, 39, 41, 43, 44, 46)
Kate: (Wrong answers: 1, 3, 4, 10, 15, 24, 29, 38, 39, 44)
Melanie: (Wrong answers: 1, 10, 18, 22, 24, 29, 31, 38, 41, 43, 49)
NYCWD: (Wrong answers: 3, 15, 18, 22, 24, 25, 29, 31, 38, 43, 45)
Suzanne: (Wrong answers: 1, 4, 10, 15, 24, 38, 39, 41, 43, 44, 48)
Alyssa: (Wrong answers: 10, 12, 18, 20, 22, 24, 25, 28, 29, 44)
Meagan (my fucking sister who should know most of these!): (Wrong answers: 1, 10, 22, 24, 25, 37, 39)
Mr. Fab: (Wrong answers: 1, 3, 22, 24, 29, 30, 38, 41, 44, 48)
Bluepaintred: (Wrong answers: 10, 18, 22, 24, 29, 30, 41, 46, 48)
Paticus: (Wrong answers: 1, 10, 12, 22, 24, 29, 38, 41, 43)
Poppy: (Wrong answers: 4, 10, 12, 18, 22, 24, 25, 28, 37)
Usedtobeme: (Wrong answers: 7, 10, 22, 24, 29, 30, 49)
Tug: (Wrong answers: 1, 7, 10, 18, 24, 38, 41, 43, 48)
Amy: (Wrong answers: 1, 10, 24, 25, 29, 38, 43, 44)
Jordie: (Wrong answers: 1, 3, 10, 11, 24, 29, 38, 41)
Julianne: (Wrong answers: 11, 18, 22, 30, 31, 41, 43, 46)
Jean: (Wrong answers: 10, 12, 18, 22, 24, 38, 45)
Mistress Yoda: (Wrong answers: 1, 10, 22, 24, 38, 43, 44)
Britt: (Wrong answers: 10, 22, 24, 44, 45, 47)
Now, since there will be claims of collusion, since Britt was doing the video with me, even though I will swear on my testicles that she did not have any prior knowledge of the true or false answers, I will eliminate Britt from the contest, leaving a tie for the winner! Congratulations to Mistress Yoda and Jean for correctly choosing 13 of the fake things that I’ve done! You’ve both won $15 gift certificates to Amazon.com! Just let me know in the comments that you saw this post, and when you leave a comment, use the email address you want me to send it to. If I don’t see you in the comments, you’re not getting it!
To everyone else: Thanks for playing, and better luck next time. If you have any ideas or suggestions for a new contest, leave ’em in the comments. And as an additional thank you, here is an outtake from our 50 Things where Britt plays with her boobs: