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One leg at a time

Today’s topic, gentle reader, is underwear. Or, as I call them, “manties”.

I wear boxer briefs. They’re comfortable, loose fitting, and I can wear them around the house, answer the door, get the mail, and even drive to McDonald’s while wearing just my manties. They’re the best parts of tighty-whiteys and boxers combined.

Anyways. Wednesday, after staying up too late chatting with my favorite bitches, I get very little sleep. Thursday morning beats me in the head and I stumble into the shower. An hour later, I emerge, feeling more awake, but still tired and mentally functioning on the same level as a retarded senior citizen with Alzheimer’s.

I go to my bureau and open my manty and undershirt drawer. The undershirt goes on, and then I realize that there’s only one pair of manties. This is strange, because I usually have 20 or so pairs, but then I remember that my wife was out of town the week before on business which means she didn’t do the laundry, so I had no clean manties. “She’ll have to get a beating once she gets home from work,” I mutter to myself and make a mental note.

So, I pull out the pair of manties. They’re a type that I used to buy but don’t like anymore because they shrank too much in the wash, and now they’re a bit tight. Nothing I can’t handle for a day, but not something I’d wear if I had options. Unfortunately, I had no options.

I hold the manties down to the ground and step into each leg hole. The right one in first, and then the left one. The first thing that occurred to me was that this pair was really tight. Like, it was actually painful pulling them on my legs. They were clearly my underwear, but Jesus Herbert Walker Christ did that hurt!!

I’m standing there, manties halfway pulled up, and I have to bend over and pull on each of the legs to stretch the legs a bit. And then they made that snapping sound that cotton does when you stretch it and some threads break but it fits better. So I’m able to pull them all the way up and wow are they still crazy tight! I mean, it feels like there are invisible hands pushing on my crotch and my ass! It was still very uncomfortable, and the manties were fitting around my ass in a overly friendly groping way that really made me feel uncomfortable.

So I did what any smart man would do. I just grabbed and pulled. And once again, heard the sound of threads snapping, but it felt more comfortable. Except for the pinching around the waist and the searing pain on my balls and ass, that is.

And, like a man, I ignored it and went to work. And eventually, due to numbness, business, server problems, and retarded monkeys, I forget about it.

Until that evening.

When I go to the bathroom.

And pull down my manties to sit on the toilet.

But it still feels like I’m wearing something.

And I realize, after staring in the mirror in shock and horror.

That I was also wearing a pair of women’s black thong panties.

They must have been stuck inside my manties, aligned perfectly with the legholes.

And they were now stretched, shredded, and wedged in my ass.

The. Fucking. End.

(I also got published on Drivl’s front page. Go check it out.)

PEEE ESSS: If you think this is painful, you haven’t seen anything yet. Go check out Britt’s post about spelunking in her vagina!

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74 Replies to “One leg at a time”

  1. Mistress

    ROFL I have GOT to tell Mr. K that you call them “manties”.


    He always wears boxer briefs and they turn me on BIG TIME! I love how tight they are and how gi-normous his bulge is in those things!

    Um, sorry you’re weren’t a good fit today though Avi.

    My condolences about your ass and package being all scrunched up.

  2. Avitable

    HL, you do? I could never go commando during the day, with working and driving and all that.

    Fogspinner, my balls don’t think so!

    ProudestMonky, I’m happy that my pain and humiliation has caused you to de-lurk.

    Joefish, I just thought it was tight manties.

    Dave, heh. Your comment got caught by Akismet for some reason. Have you been selling DavePorn again?

    Sheila, when I get busy, I’m very, very focused.

    Melanie, what’s the point of having this pain and degradation unless I can use it to bring a smile to someone’s face?

    Mistress, I’m thinking his bulge is ginormous everywhere. You wouldn’t be with him otherwise, ya big dick junky.

    Hilly, I can’t feel it, what with all the numbness.

    DB, I can’t imagine going through all that pain knowingly.

    Mr. Fabulous, have you seen Amy? Can you imagine me trying that on purpose?

    Denise, I’d like to see if I can set a record of destroying monitors with different liquids today.

    RW, you’re drinking lemonade at 6:30 AM, eh? And, she was gone for two full weekends, plus this current week, which makes it almost three weeks without doing any laundry.

    Heather, doesn’t your husband dress up in lingerie and dance around? :lmao:

  3. Girl, Dislocated

    That sounds exactly like one of those stories people make up when they have to go to the ER for something embarrassing they’ve done to themselves. You woke up that morning and consciously decided you were going to walk around all day wearing a thong, didn’t you?

  4. Julianne

    Oh and I agree, commando is totally the way to go,how else do you think “JULIANNE DOES NOT HAVE PANTY LINES!”? Is that secretly why you wore the thong? To avoid unsightly “Manty” lines? :sexytime:

  5. Mike

    “It was a one in a million shot, Doc.”

    A few weeks back, I told you we were separated at birth, right?

    One day, I get to work and notice that my “Manties” are riding up my a$$. Let’s just say there’s a lot of discreet pulling going on, but about halfway through a really boring meeting I’m so tired of this that I stick my hand down the back of my pants to see what’s going on and I pull out… One of my wife’s long black socks.

    Of course, I immediately burst out laughing. Now I have to explain why I’m laughing loudly as my boss is talking about a really serious issue, but I don’t want anyone to know I’ve been walking around half a day with a sock up my butt.


  6. Avitable

    Poppy, that doesn’t sound like fun at all!

    Girl Dislocated, well there was the time that I accidentally sat down on the plunger and got it stuck in my ass . . .

    Julianne, manty lines are unsightly.

    Jordie, I’ll send you the pictures.

    Mistress Yoda, that’s my usual day. Like today.

    Mike, very nice. Did you stuff it down the front of your pants for the rest of the day?

    Britt, I know. I wonder what he does in there for an hour? Hmm…

  7. ADW

    OK – so I now have that searing burning sensation that you get when you suck liquid up your nose and it feels like your brains are being exposed to UV Rays.

    Thanks – I may get fired for this…

  8. Avitable

    Sandra, yeah, I had a red welt around my waist for several hours after that.

    TMP, they are just like new.

    ADW, just join the church (see sidebar) and you can say you blog for religious reasons.

    DooDah, it’s me. Britt’s funny, but not THAT funny.

    Dawn, if it was on purpose, I would have posted photos.

  9. Sheila

    So, since you have to go buy new manties because there is no clean laundry, are you going to buy your wife a new thong, too? Or, is she going to have to wear that streched out piece of black material?

  10. NYC Watchdog

    Of course from Transylvania.

    Interesting fact… semen happens to have the same chemical composition as blood. So technically… Transylvanian’s who want to suck blood can be easily satisfied by sucking cock instead.

    They just have to learn how NOT to use their teeth. I know… off topic… just sayin’.

  11. Avitable

    TMP, so sweet.

    Poppy, yeah, but it’s still a liquid. If you drink enough liquids, even if they have antidiuretics, it can still make you have to pee.

    NYCWD, that brings a whole new perspective to vampires and why Anne Rice is so into sex too.

    Dawn, you’re definitely in my top 5. Tell me in writing that you love Avril, and you’ll become #1.

  12. Avitable

    Poppy, exactly. You’re not a bitch so you don’t count. You’re my #1 Poppy!

    Kelly, well, you don’t want it now.

    Dawn, no, we’d have to get it notarized and everything. I need proof!

  13. RW

    As a matter of fact, fresh lemonade 24/7 for me. In the middle of the winter or summer. The only thing that’s different in the morning is there’s no vodka in that version.

    But anyway, as I was saying….

    oh. what. a. fucking. funny. post. I just spewed vodka all over my pants. Guess I was too far from the monitor…

  14. Poppy

    Hmm, I guess I better start playing with myself since Tug is off playing soccer with her grandkids…

    :boobs1: :assshake:

    Um, where are the girl masturbating smilies?

    Oh well.

    :jerkoff2: :sex023: :boobs4: :boobs2: :sex003: :fisting: :boobs5: :sex014: :heartbeat: :3some: :bukkake: :sex007:

    Wow, I’m super tired now. I need a few minutes to recover. πŸ˜›

  15. Avitable

    Dawn, that’s still pretty admirable.

    RW, sarcasm duly noted.

    Poppy, well, there is Poppy Z. Brite, and poppy seeds, so you do have competitors.

    Kal, the cops took it away after they had to use the Jaws of Life to extract it from my crack.

    Michael, and a high pitched voice.

    Dragon, yes I am. I just don’t have to pee during the day.

  16. Schadenfreude

    Damn, that’s crazy.

    Though I can relate. Everyday putting on my regular underwear it’s like stuffing a Louisville Slugger and a couple of grapefruits in a sandwich bag. It’s the curse of my people.

  17. Erica AP

    Oh my god – you are fucking funny.
    And the fact that you have moving
    boobs with the smilies is priceless
    Not like the Visa MasterCard comercials
    though. Priceless in you are on
    crazy mo foe kind of way.

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