Today's topic, gentle reader, is underwear. Or, as I call them, "manties".
I wear boxer briefs. They're comfortable, loose fitting, and I can wear them around the house, answer the door, get the mail, and even drive to McDonald's while wearing just my manties. They're the best parts of tighty-whiteys and boxers combined.
Anyways. Wednesday, after staying up too late chatting with my favorite bitches, I get very little sleep. Thursday morning beats me in the head and I stumble into the shower. An hour later, I emerge, feeling more awake, but still tired and mentally functioning on the same level as a retarded senior citizen with Alzheimer's.
I go to my bureau and open my manty and undershirt drawer. The undershirt goes on, and then I realize that there's only one pair of manties. This is strange, because I usually have 20 or so pairs, but then I remember that my wife was out of town the week before on business which means she didn't do the laundry, so I had no clean manties. "She'll have to get a beating once she gets home from work," I mutter to myself and make a mental note.
So, I pull out the pair of manties. They're a type that I used to buy but don't like anymore because they shrank too much in the wash, and now they're a bit tight. Nothing I can't handle for a day, but not something I'd wear if I had options. Unfortunately, I had no options.
I hold the manties down to the ground and step into each leg hole. The right one in first, and then the left one. The first thing that occurred to me was that this pair was really tight. Like, it was actually painful pulling them on my legs. They were clearly my underwear, but Jesus Herbert Walker Christ did that hurt!!
I'm standing there, manties halfway pulled up, and I have to bend over and pull on each of the legs to stretch the legs a bit. And then they made that snapping sound that cotton does when you stretch it and some threads break but it fits better. So I'm able to pull them all the way up and wow are they still crazy tight! I mean, it feels like there are invisible hands pushing on my crotch and my ass! It was still very uncomfortable, and the manties were fitting around my ass in a overly friendly groping way that really made me feel uncomfortable.
So I did what any smart man would do. I just grabbed and pulled. And once again, heard the sound of threads snapping, but it felt more comfortable. Except for the pinching around the waist and the searing pain on my balls and ass, that is.
And, like a man, I ignored it and went to work. And eventually, due to numbness, business, server problems, and retarded monkeys, I forget about it.
Until that evening.
When I go to the bathroom.
And pull down my manties to sit on the toilet.
But it still feels like I'm wearing something.
And I realize, after staring in the mirror in shock and horror.
That I was also wearing a pair of women's black thong panties.
They must have been stuck inside my manties, aligned perfectly with the legholes.
And they were now stretched, shredded, and wedged in my ass.
The. Fucking. End.
(I also got published on Drivl's front page. Go check it out.)
PEEE ESSS: If you think this is painful, you haven't seen anything yet. Go check out Britt's post about spelunking in her vagina!
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And people wonder why I choose to go commando.
I think I spit some soda out of my nose just then. lmfao
Comments by Heartless Lass
OMG! Now I'm laughing and coughing. That is so funny.
Comments by Fogspinner
and THIS is why i come here.
Comments by ProudestMonky
You took an hour long shower? We're related, I'm certain.
How the hell could you not notice unexpected butt floss? Are you that desensitized by everything else you stick in there?
Comments by Joefish
Manties and Panties... Go Good Together!
Comments by Dave2
Wow... that's, uhm, impressive. I would of gone comando shortly after the numbness set in... just a thought for next time.
Comments by Sheila
I'm really sorry, but that made me laugh really hard. Sorry about that. But damn, the visuals...
Comments by Melanie
ROFL I have GOT to tell Mr. K that you call them "manties".
Bwahahahaha.
He always wears boxer briefs and they turn me on BIG TIME! I love how tight they are and how gi-normous his bulge is in those things!
Um, sorry you're weren't a good fit today though Avi.
My condolences about your ass and package being all scrunched up.
Comments by Mistress
I just spat water...all over your manties ;)
Comments by Hilly
"They must have been stuck inside my manties, aligned perfectly with the legholes"
Yeah yeah yeah, that's what they all say!... or so I've heard...
Comments by DutchBitch
There is NO WAY that was an accident.
Comments by Mr. Fabulous
Coffee. All. Over. My. Monitor.
Damn.
Comments by DeniseTN
lemonade. out. my. left. ear. person. next to me. wiping face. swearing. finger in my ribs.
otoh - you use 20 pairs a week? What kind of a man ARE you!? METRO??
Comments by RW
Too.Many.Visuals.
Comments by heather
HL, you do? I could never go commando during the day, with working and driving and all that.
Fogspinner, my balls don't think so!
ProudestMonky, I'm happy that my pain and humiliation has caused you to de-lurk.
Joefish, I just thought it was tight manties.
Dave, heh. Your comment got caught by Akismet for some reason. Have you been selling DavePorn again?
Sheila, when I get busy, I'm very, very focused.
Melanie, what's the point of having this pain and degradation unless I can use it to bring a smile to someone's face?
Mistress, I'm thinking his bulge is ginormous everywhere. You wouldn't be with him otherwise, ya big dick junky.
Hilly, I can't feel it, what with all the numbness.
DB, I can't imagine going through all that pain knowingly.
Mr. Fabulous, have you seen Amy? Can you imagine me trying that on purpose?
Denise, I'd like to see if I can set a record of destroying monitors with different liquids today.
RW, you're drinking lemonade at 6:30 AM, eh? And, she was gone for two full weekends, plus this current week, which makes it almost three weeks without doing any laundry.
Heather, doesn't your husband dress up in lingerie and dance around?
Comments by Avitable
Yes, yes I can see you trying that on purpose.
What guy doesn't want to try on his wife's panties for a day?
Comments by Poppy
That sounds exactly like one of those stories people make up when they have to go to the ER for something embarrassing they've done to themselves. You woke up that morning and consciously decided you were going to walk around all day wearing a thong, didn't you?
Comments by Girl, Dislocated
You can now add Red Bull to that liquid list~ And it was such a nice new (new-to-me) flat-screen monitor I just got at work on Tuesday too!
Comments by Julianne
Oh and I agree, commando is totally the way to go,how else do you think "JULIANNE DOES NOT HAVE PANTY LINES!"? Is that secretly why you wore the thong? To avoid unsightly "Manty" lines?
Comments by Julianne
I hope you're kidding.
Comments by Jordie
I now feel a lot better about the underwear I have on...nothing up my ass and nothing cutting off circulation.
Comments by Mistress Yoda
"It was a one in a million shot, Doc."
A few weeks back, I told you we were separated at birth, right?
One day, I get to work and notice that my "Manties" are riding up my a$$. Let's just say there's a lot of discreet pulling going on, but about halfway through a really boring meeting I'm so tired of this that I stick my hand down the back of my pants to see what's going on and I pull out... One of my wife's long black socks.
Of course, I immediately burst out laughing. Now I have to explain why I'm laughing loudly as my boss is talking about a really serious issue, but I don't want anyone to know I've been walking around half a day with a sock up my butt.
Comments by Mike
LMAO at Joe's comment. hehheheheh
And still, I cannot BELIEVE you fucking posted this on Vagina Day. Man.
Comments by Miss Britt
Poppy, that doesn't sound like fun at all!
Girl Dislocated, well there was the time that I accidentally sat down on the plunger and got it stuck in my ass . . .
Julianne, manty lines are unsightly.
Jordie, I'll send you the pictures.
Mistress Yoda, that's my usual day. Like today.
Mike, very nice. Did you stuff it down the front of your pants for the rest of the day?
Britt, I know. I wonder what he does in there for an hour? Hmm...
Comments by Avitable
Sure, Av. That's what happened. You should wear whatever makes you feel beautiful. There's no need to apologize. I accept you in all your hairy glory.
Comments by Mist 1
"manties"- These are the things I come here to learn.
Comments by Paticus
Mist, thank you. Would you like your thong back now?
Paticus, I've said it before. I am here to educate.
Comments by Avitable
Oh my god...ouch.
Comments by sandra
Do your boys have circulation yet?
Comments by themuttprincess
OK - so I now have that searing burning sensation that you get when you suck liquid up your nose and it feels like your brains are being exposed to UV Rays.
Thanks - I may get fired for this...
Comments by ADW
Oh. My. Gawd.
I dont know who cracks me up more today.
You or MissBritt.
And DANG if I didnt need the laff........THANKS!
Comments by DooDah
sure, you 'accidentally' wore the women's underwear. RIIIIIIIGHT. you think we were born yesterday, avi? ;)
Comments by Webmiztris
Sandra, yeah, I had a red welt around my waist for several hours after that.
TMP, they are just like new.
ADW, just join the church (see sidebar) and you can say you blog for religious reasons.
DooDah, it's me. Britt's funny, but not THAT funny.
Dawn, if it was on purpose, I would have posted photos.
Comments by Avitable
the power of your badder astounds me. you went all day without peeing?
Comments by bluepaintred
BPR, I usually go to the bathroom once, maybe twice a day, and that's it. I'm like a camel, which is funny since I drink about 12 Diet Cokes during the day!
Comments by Avitable
This is soooo damn funny. Brilliant, absolutely brilliant!
Comments by Amy
Aw, jesus, where's my brain bleach?!
Comments by Tracy Lynn
Oh thank god!!!! I was very worried about your balls.....
Comments by themuttprincess
Amy, my ass doesn't think it's that brilliant.
Tracy, you know you want to treasure this memory forever.
TMP, that's very sweet of you. I'll tell them you inquired.
Comments by Avitable
Good job.
That's a sure fire excuse to try and cover up the fact that your really just a sweet transvestite.
Comments by NYC Watchdog
Avi - Only when he thinks of you.
Comments by heather
So, since you have to go buy new manties because there is no clean laundry, are you going to buy your wife a new thong, too? Or, is she going to have to wear that streched out piece of black material?
Comments by Sheila
the power of your bladder amazes me. I would give anything not to spend every third minute peeing. and it has NOTHING at all to do witht he amount of coffee I drink in a day
Comments by bluepaintred
NYCWD, from Transylvania?
Heather, sweet.
Sheila, 10 of her could fit in it now.
BPR, as much Diet Coke I drink, I don't know why I don't have to pee more frequently.
Comments by Avitable
Yay! Please do! I care!
Comments by themuttprincess
Because it has caffeine which is an antidiuretic. You drink caffeine you curb your need to pee. I'm sure you know this and you're just playing, but I have this need to edumacate.
Comments by Poppy
Of course from Transylvania.
Interesting fact... semen happens to have the same chemical composition as blood. So technically... Transylvanian's who want to suck blood can be easily satisfied by sucking cock instead.
They just have to learn how NOT to use their teeth. I know... off topic... just sayin'.
Comments by NYC Watchdog
well, thank the lord you didn't attempt to traumatize us all with photos!!
oh, btw, I'm your third favorite bitch; right? ;)
Comments by webmiztris
TMP, so sweet.
Poppy, yeah, but it's still a liquid. If you drink enough liquids, even if they have antidiuretics, it can still make you have to pee.
NYCWD, that brings a whole new perspective to vampires and why Anne Rice is so into sex too.
Dawn, you're definitely in my top 5. Tell me in writing that you love Avril, and you'll become #1.
Comments by Avitable
I actually do love Avril.
And if you add one glass of water to your 12 Diet Cokes I assure you that you will be in the bathroom all day.
Comments by Poppy
But I'm not a bitch, so I guess I'm disqualified.
Comments by Poppy
So that's where my thong went! I've been looking for that.
Comments by Kelly
sure, I can do that....i don't need to be under oath though when I do it; right? because I'm going to be totally lying through my TEETH. ;)
Comments by webmiztris
Poppy, exactly. You're not a bitch so you don't count. You're my #1 Poppy!
Kelly, well, you don't want it now.
Dawn, no, we'd have to get it notarized and everything. I need proof!
Comments by Avitable
[...] Avi wearing his wife's thong. [...]
Comments by Mental Excrements » Fucktarded Friday
dammit...
well, then I guess I'm going to have to deal with just being in your top 5.
;)
Comments by webmiztris
As a matter of fact, fresh lemonade 24/7 for me. In the middle of the winter or summer. The only thing that's different in the morning is there's no vodka in that version.
But anyway, as I was saying....
oh. what. a. fucking. funny. post. I just spewed vodka all over my pants. Guess I was too far from the monitor...
Comments by RW
Hmm, I guess I better start playing with myself since Tug is off playing soccer with her grandkids...
Um, where are the girl masturbating smilies?
Oh well.
Wow, I'm super tired now. I need a few minutes to recover.
Comments by Poppy
And Avi - I'm your only Poppy so being #1 is a given.
Comments by Poppy
I hope you burned it afterward.
Comments by Kal Jones
Wheeeeeeeee!!!!!!
Oh, who am I kidding? A world without Tug is a sad, sad world. Come back.
Comments by Poppy
Comments by Michael
You're wife is gonna kill you, Dude. lmfao
How do you go the whole day without going to the bathroom once? Are you part camel?
Comments by Dragon
Dawn, that's still pretty admirable.
RW, sarcasm duly noted.
Poppy, well, there is Poppy Z. Brite, and poppy seeds, so you do have competitors.
Kal, the cops took it away after they had to use the Jaws of Life to extract it from my crack.
Michael, and a high pitched voice.
Dragon, yes I am. I just don't have to pee during the day.
Comments by Avitable
"I ran out of underwear so I had to wear yours. Now its fucked. Buy more comfortable underwear in future"
Comments by Phishez
I miss reading for a few days and this is what happens?!
I'm with the girls...I think part of you WANTED this. Just sayin'.
Comments by hot coffee girl
Awh man I hate it when that happens!
Comments by Miss Misery
Phishez, that is precisely the note that I left for her!
HCG, nobody wants that type of ball constriction.
Miss Misery, Nifty walks around in your underwear a lot, does he?
Comments by Avitable
Damn, that's crazy.
Though I can relate. Everyday putting on my regular underwear it's like stuffing a Louisville Slugger and a couple of grapefruits in a sandwich bag. It's the curse of my people.
Comments by Schadenfreude
Schad, 'tis a curse indeed. I'm 1/16th black, so I only got the hereditary grapefruits. No slugger. sigh.
Comments by Avitable
no...way? SERIOUS?!
Comments by Crys!
Crys, totally.
Comments by Avitable
it just strikes me as amazing that you would not notice that, having never er—worn them before. i mean, you DID notice it obviously but...
LOL
Comments by Crys!
Oh my god - you are fucking funny.
And the fact that you have moving
boobs with the smilies is priceless
Not like the Visa MasterCard comercials
though. Priceless in you are on
crazy mo foe kind of way.
Comments by Erica AP