Stole this off of Myspace:

1. Are you taller than your mom?
Not only am I taller, but my penis is larger and I can knock her out with one punch.

2. What color is your car?
Phantom Gray. You'd think that means "white", but it doesn't.

3. What is the closest thing to you that is red?
Only the lipstick I'm putting on.

4. What is your ringtone?
Dana Carvey's Chopping Broccoli

5. Does anything hurt on your body right now?
My vagina aches.

6. What color is your favorite pillow?
It's the one that isn't covered in semen.

7.What is your favorite video game?
Of all time: Duke Nukem 3D
Actually playable: Half-Life 2

8. Had a nap today?
Only while I was driving. Makes the ride that much shorter.

9. Gold or Silver?
I usually take the gold in the Olympic events in which I compete.

10. Is there an animal that creeps you out?
Roaches that are larger than my head creep me out.

11. Who was the last person you rode an elevator with?
Mr. Fab went down on me. Does that count?

12. Did you go ice skating as a kid?
I have never been ice skating.

13. Ever have stitches?
My mother got shot in the stomach when she was pregnant with me and that gave me scar tissue on top of my head that doctors removed when I was 11. That's the only time I had stitches.

14. Favorite non-alcoholic drink?
Diet Coke with Lime

15. How long ago did you kiss someone?
I try to kiss a different person each and every day. It's my way of paying it forward.

16. What's something you want to do before you die?
Outrun the other guy.

17. Have you ever caught something on fire?
Let me tell you, alcohol on your balls and a match is not a good way to remove hair. You're much better off shaving or even waxing.

18. Have you ever seen a ghost?
Yes, but it ended up just being Old Man Wilkins from the amusement park.

19. Have you ever seen the northern lights?
Have you ever been in a Turkish prison?

20. Do you know how to use chop sticks?
Yes, but I prefer the chopsticks that are cut into three pointy tines so I can stab my food.

21. Name something good that happened today.
I came before blacking out, so I didn't end up accidentally hanging myself with a plastic bag over my head.

22. What room are you in?
The conservatory. With the candlestick.

23. Are you worried about something you can't control?
No. I control everything. If I don't control it, it doesn't exist.

24. Do you take daily medications?
I don't believe in taking medication.

25. Ever been in a fight?
No - everybody always seems scared of me.

26. Are you wearing nail polish?
Duh. Of course.

27. Favorite color?
Redhead

28. Innie or Outie?
My penis? It's an innie.

29. Ever used a Ouija board?
Yeah - I think they're shit. Fucking Parker Brothers.

30. Sweet or Sour?
Sweet if I drink pineapple juice first.

31. Sun or Moon?
Neptune?

32. What shoes did you wear today?
First barefoot, then socks, then I switched to my fuck-me pumps and went out to the corner to make some extra money.

33. Favorite eye color of the opposite sex?
I don't know. I don't think I care.

34. Most important quality in any relationship?
In any relationship? Like professional, personal, corporate, whatever? A strong legal contract, with proper consideration for both parties.

35. Favorite zombie movie?
Either the remake of Dawn of the Dead or Practical Magic.

36 Time of day you were born?
I'm not sure, but I bet that there was a chill felt throughout the land.

37. Do you know your blood type?
Diet Coke with Lime

39. Do you know how to kill a zombie?
Where the fuck did 38 go? Did the zombies get it?

40. What would you spend 5000 dollars on right now if you were handed it?
That's it? Um, I'd probably just spend it on a few things I want for the house.

41. Name something annoying in public transit?
I don't know - I've never been on any public transit in my life. And I never will.

44. Did you grow up in the city or country?
OMFG the zombies ate 42 and 43! We're all going to die!!

45. Would you ever consider going on a reality tv show if offered a large sum of money?
Only if I was guaranteed that sum, win or lose. And only if I could get naked all the time.

46. Have you flown in your dreams?
Don't tell my passengers, but I'm usually sleeping when I fly.

48. Hugs or kisses?
ATTENTION EVERYONE. THE ZOMBIES HAVE EATEN #47. THEY ARE VERY SNEAKY. PLEASE AIM FOR THE BRAIN IF YOU SEE A ZOMBIE SNEAKING UP ON ANOTHER NUMBER.

49. You have 10 dollars to spend in the dollar store..what do you get?
I'd never step foot in a dollar store. I'd give the $10 to someone who looked like they needed it.

50. Slurpee flavor
Is that even a question? My answer will be just as well-written. Flurgle?

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posted by Avitable Thursday, May 31, 2007 @ 12:02 am comments (65)
filed under Memes and more tagged avitable, funny, humor, lists, memes, stupidity, surveys

Last night, I went to bed at 10, neglecting my post that I put up at midnight, ignoring the fact that my company site states that we're available until 11 PM, and snubbing the idea that 10 is wayyy too early for someone my age to be going to sleep.

I slept until 7 and woke up completely refreshed. I had completely forgotten how nice it was to sleep sometimes!

My usual schedule involves me getting about 4-6 hours of sleep. I try to take a 20-minute power nap during the day sometimes, but that doesn't quite get me to 100% all of the time. A cocktail of soda, caffeine mints, and caffeinated gum allow me to stay awake to do all of the things that I need to do on a daily basis, both on a personal level and on a professional one.

It used to be the case, a few months back, that every few weeks I'd just sleep from 7 PM to 7 AM one day and be completely back to normal, but it's gotten busy and stressful enough that I haven't been willing to do that. I might start that again - it's probably a good idea.

So, yay for sleep!

On another note, I want you to check out a new website. Well, it's not a new one, but it's a revamped one that needed a special ingredient. Originally, it was just the amusing IM conversations of two of my favorite bitches. Now, however, they have added me to their mix. Our IM conversations will be posted for the world to marvel at our wit, erudition, crudeness, and mundane existences. Go check it out: These Walls Have Ears. Put it on your feedreader, and once Britt has internet again, we'll be back in business. The business of hilarity, of course.

posted by Avitable Wednesday, May 30, 2007 @ 7:50 am comments (61)
filed under General tagged amy, amys musings, avitable, britt, miss britt, sleep, these walls have ears

In 100 Things: Part 1, I told you 21 things about my family. Today, it's time for Part 2:

100 Things: My Eccentricities

79. I don't own a single pair of pants. All I will wear is shorts, and usually I just work in my boxer briefs. If there is a situation where I will have to wear pants, I won't go. I just don't find them comfortable, and I see no reason, now that I'm an adult, that I should have to wear them.

78. I've never smoked a cigarette - even one puff. It just never came up as a teen, and after that, I wasn't interested.

77. I love going to the dentist. The feeling of having your teeth really clean and just a bit sore is one of my favorites. I've only had a few cavities, and even getting those filled was fun. The only dark cloud in my dental history was in Los Angeles, when we had a butcher who made both of us hurt so much that we never went back. We moved over to a dentist in Pasadena who was open until 7:30 PM, had Jet Li as a client, and had his office down the hall from Dr. Drew from Loveline.

76. I won't eat certain finger foods. Anything that's going to get all over my fingers. This means chicken wings/buffalo wings and fried chicken, which are two things I've never actually eaten in my entire life. I eat corn on the cob by using a fork to hold the cob upright and then sawing off the corn with my knife. Anything with bread around it, like burgers and hot dogs, is fine, and I can eat french fries, although if they have ketchup all over them, I use my fork.

75. Staying on the subject of food, I am horrified by food with bones. I do not enjoy bone-in steak and will invariably leave most of the meat because trying to cut around it and hitting all of the fat just disgusts me. And when I'm at Disney World and I see those people walking around with those turkey legs that they're eating (and holding onto it with their bare hands!) it makes me apoplectic.

74. I'm fanatical about fresh breath. I buy cases of gum in bulk and will chew it constantly from morning to night. I think this stems from the principal of the small private Christian school I went to. He always had coffee breath and my eyes would water as I would stare him in the eye when he was lecturing me. I only want people to cry when I'm berating them because of what I say, not because my breath is rank.

73. I'm also fanatical about deodorant. I buy 2-3 new sticks of deodorant every time we go to the store, and last time I cleaned out the medicine cabinet, I had 46 empty deodorant sticks. I'll only use Speed Stick Regular Scent, and I can't stand to use anything else or I don't feel clean.

72. I cannot understand lyrics. At all. For the last 20 years, I thought that in the theme song to Caddyshack, by Kenny Loggins, he was singing "Ad-mir-al", not "I'm all right." I also thought that the INXS song lyrics said "Every single woman has the devil inside."

71. There are so few situations in my adult life where I was not (a) in control, (b) situationally comfortable, and/or (c) completely confident in myself, that these few situations truly embarrass me and if my wife brings them up it is the only time that I'll truly get mad at her.

70. I thrive on being recognized. In Los Angeles, there was this little sports pub called Duke's that was a part of the Los Angeles Athletic Club, to which I belonged. Walking in there, having the waiter recognize me and bring me a pitcher of Diet Coke with Lime, and being able to order "the usual", is a cherished memory. Currently, in Orlando, I want to eventually be able to walk into my favorite steak restaurant and have someone other than the manager recognize me and know what I'm drinking and what I like to eat. It is one of my aspirations.

69. One thing that I've gotten as a gift from my dad is the genetic condition of night terrors. Usually occurring in periods of high stress, I will wake up and even though I'm consciously awake, I will see things. These things are usually huge spiders, like 4 feet across, skittering down the wall or over the blankets and pillows. I've reached the point, though, that now I can think to myself, "If a huge spider really was walking across Amy's face, she'd be screaming, so it must be fake." But when I see them, I can see them in explicit detail, with no doubt that they are right there in front of me.

68. I can talk on the phone like a girl. Ever since I was 12/13, I would literally spend hours on the phone at once. Even if I had to go to bed at 8, I'd sneak down later, get the phone, and talk until 4 AM with my friends, who were all female. My dad still doesn't understand it, and even today I can easily be on the phone for 8 hours a day without any problems.

67. I've always been a fast reader. When I was in college, I took a speed reading course. At the beginning of the course, I was already at the goal of X words per minute that the instructor had set for the class's goal to reach by the end. By the time I learned the techniques of reading faster, I was reading faster than anyone the instructor had ever seen. In optimal conditions, I can finish a 300 page book in 25 minutes and retain 90% of it in my short-term memory. However, I learned in law school that in order to better retain it in my long-term memory, I could only study with a distraction. By putting the TV on or watching a movie while I studied, it forced my brain to slow down so that I would read at a normal level and have 100% retention.

66. I really want a Craftmatic Adjustable Bed. They just seem fun - you can sit up, recline, raise your legs - why don't all beds do that?

65. Since my goal is to make people laugh, if someone isn't laughing, I need to know why. By understanding what they didn't find funny, I can improve what I do and make sure that next time, that type of person will find it funny, too. I believe that you can actually make everyone happy at once.

64. I've mentioned this before, but I am prejudiced against ugly people. There are actresses like Meryl Streep, Kyra Sedgewick, and Glenn Close, that I cannot stand, and people that I've known in my personal life who were so ugly that I hated them on the spot. And I always will hate them - I can't help it.

63. There are very few people to which I aspire to be. If I do see qualities, quirks, abilities, or other elements in a person that I find to be useful in either impressing, manipulating, or appeasing others, I appropriate them for myself. The same goes in the online world - I try to assimilate the styles and techniques that bloggers use to create my own style that has all of those positive elements.

62. In high school, I used to try to show how impervious I was to pain by rolling up my sleeves and stapling them to my shoulder. Girls would dig their nails into my skin while I smiled, and I could cut my arm without feeling it. While I'm clearly not like that anymore, I still only show that I'm hurt when the pain level is very high.

61. I believe in superheroes, aliens, and ghosts.

posted by Avitable Tuesday, May 29, 2007 @ 12:01 am comments (64)
filed under 100 Things tagged 100 things, avitable, lists

Tonight, as I sat down at my computer to type up Monday's post, I thought, "Boy, it's been a hectic weekend." Then I thought about it and realized that it really wasn't. I got almost nothing accomplished and was relatively lazy, but somehow feel like it was busy. Here's what I did:

Saturday:

6:15 AM: Woke up, grabbed Diet Coke, went to computer.
6:16 AM - 8:30 AM: Read blogs, responded to comments, replied to emails, chatted, worked.
8:30 AM - 10:00 AM: Played Tony Hawk: Downhill Jam on the Nintendo Wii.
10:00 AM - 12:00 PM: Replied to emails, responded to comments, read blogs, chatted, worked.
12:00 PM - 3:00 PM: Showered, went to Chick Fil-A. Got two chicken sandwiches, no pickles, extra mayo, waffle fries, chicken nuggets, large Diet Coke and Cookies and Cream milkshake. Ate lunch while watching Veronica Mars.
3:00 PM - 5:30 PM: Swam in the pool.
5:30 PM - 8:00 PM: Ordered pizza from Hungry Howies. Watched part of Caddyshack and all of Fletch.
8:00 PM - 9:30 PM: Replied to emails, responded to comments, read blogs, chatted, worked.
9:30 PM - 11:00 PM: Went and picked my wife up from the airport.
11:00 PM: Came home and went to bed.

Sunday:

7:00 AM: Woke up, grabbed Diet Coke, went to computer.
7:01 AM - 9:00 AM: Wrote Sunday post, read blogs, responded to comments, replied to emails, chatted, worked.
9:00 AM - 9:15 AM: Helped my wife put on suntan lotion and get ready to go to the beach with her girlfriends.
9:15 AM - 11:00 AM: Back to the computer for work and blogging.
11:00 AM - 2:00 PM: Tony Hawk.
2:00 PM - 3:00 PM: Watch TV with my wife, eat sub and nasty fries from local place.
3:00 PM - 6:00 PM: Go back to work on the computer while my wife naps.
6:00 PM - 8:00 PM: Watch "Hard Candy." Fucking amazing movie!
8:00 PM - 10:00 PM: Watch "Reefer Madness." Hilarious movie starring Kristen Bell.
10:00 PM - 1:00 AM: Read blogs, respond to comments, write post.

So, all told, that's only about 16 hours of computer time, which means that maybe 10-12 of that was actual work. That's pretty pathetic for a weekend. I really need to buckle down and work harder. It was just so gorgeous out that it was hard to get motivated.

Today, though, I'll get plenty of work done. It may be a holiday in some parts of the world, but at my company, it's business as usual.

posted by Avitable Monday, May 28, 2007 @ 1:09 am comments (44)
filed under General tagged avitable

Here is the image in a larger, easier-to-read format, without the image map.

Amy said farewell to Sinatra, the family hamster. Apparently Sinatra is also the name of some famous singer.
Mr. Fabulous's fabulous wife, Mrs. Fabulous, passed the California Bar and is now an official lawyer! In celebration, she made Mr. Fab give her pony rides around the house while she drank champagne straight from the bottle.
Paticus celebrated the 30-year anniversary of Star Wars by remembering his first time with Han and Luke and Leia and Chewie.
Kentucky Girl, got herself all excited about Bingo. On TV. I told her to take her fiber and calm down or her arthritis will start acting up again. Then I suggested she take her teeth out and go lay down on her Craftmatic Adjustable Bed to watch Matlock on her color TV.
Joefish finally made it official by tying the knot in a small ceremony. Congratulations, Joe and Barb and Miles!

posted by Avitable Sunday, May 27, 2007 @ 9:02 am comments (30)
filed under Bloggers tagged amy, amys musings, feast of crumbs, joefish, kentucky gurl, mr. fabulous, my art, paticus, pointless drivel, sandwich flats, week in review, wir

Here's the link.

posted by Avitable Saturday, May 26, 2007 @ 12:01 am comments (40)
filed under Vlog tagged animatronic, avitable, chimpanzee, monkey, video, youtube

A couple of nights ago, I was sleeping on my stomach in bed. I had my right arm under the pillow, and my head firmly in the pillow. Our dog slept across my back legs right at the back of my knees. Unbeknownst to me, this was slowly cutting off my circulation, making my right arm and both legs fall asleep completely.

I woke up around 4 because I had to pee. Extremely groggily, I stood up on my dead legs and immediately fell face-first. With the carpet rushing up to my gravity-subject body, I tried to put my right arm out to stop my fall, but I couldn't feel it, so all it did was cushion my face slightly as I bounced my forehead off of the floor. In my mind, it sounded like dropping a honeydew melon on the sidewalk would sound.

Lying facedown on the carpet, unable to push myself up or really do anything, I just twitched my arm and legs like a half-dead cockroach (a large, gorilla-shaped cockroach) as the feeling slowly came back in my extremities. The initial tingling was so painful that I almost yelled out, but luckily I had a mouthful of carpet and couldn't emit more than a "mmmffmfmfm".

Once I was capable of moving again, I went and peed and got back into bed. The dog was relocated.

My wife didn't even wake up.

I laid in bed thinking about the fact that if I had been an amputee with no legs and one arm and had fallen, it could have taken a long time for me to be able to move over to the bathroom and pee, and she would have just been sleeping the whole time. The more I thought about it, the more annoyed I got. She would just sleep throughout her amputee husband's pain and suffering? How cruel is that?

Finally, I couldn't take it anymore. I punched her in the shoulder and hissed, "Thanks for taking care of me - I could have been an amputee and then how bad would you have felt?"

She was thoroughly confused (and pissed that I woke her up by punching her in the shoulder), but I felt better. And in the end, isn't that all that matters?

Today's lesson: If you hear your hypothetically amputee husband fall out of bed because his hypothetically amputated legs were asleep and land face-first on the floor because his hypothetically amputated arm was asleep, wake up and take care of him!

posted by Avitable Friday, May 25, 2007 @ 12:01 am comments (65)
filed under Love and marriage tagged avitable, funny, humor

posted by Avitable Thursday, May 24, 2007 @ 12:01 am comments (100)
filed under Photos tagged avitable, ceo, feet, funny, hobo, humor, photos

Hi there, child. Come sit on Uncle Avitable's lap and let him impart some wisdom to you about love, life, lamps, and other luxuries - some are things he's learned himself, and some are things he's learned from watching others. Don't worry about that bulge in his pants - just plop yourself right on top of that and open your ears:

ALWAYS check to make sure that you're alone in your house before stripping down and walking around naked, especially if you're going out in the backyard. It took you long enough to find a good lawn guy, and you really don't want him to be scared off.

CHEX sounds like "sex" in a loud party, so assuming that the girl with the bowl in her hand is asking if you want sex is a bad idea, especially if she's holding a bowl of Chex Mix. Following her out to the balcony and groping her against her will is a worse idea.

JUST because someone you trust tells you that rubbing Ben Gay on your balls will make you ejaculate across the room doesn't mean you should believe it. If you're stupid enough to believe it and decide to try it, go light on the application of said Ben Gay. Using too much will only cause much burning that will not wash off easily in the shower. And if you're trying to wash it off, don't accidentally touch the head of your penis with the same hand that had the Ben Gay, because that's a very sensitive part of your body.

IF you and your girlfriend are parked in her driveway, and she's giving you a handjob that goes a little crazy and you ejaculate all over the steering wheel, be aware that frantically trying to clean it before it dries will result in you loudly blaring the horn multiple times. Which may bring her parents outside in their robes. And then they'll see all yo' bidness.

"HOW bad can it hurt?" is not a question that you should consider when you are about to be the first of your friends to pee on an electric fence. "Why do I hate my penis?" is the better question.

THE reason that all of those women are smiling at you as you sit on that bench is not because you're hot. It's because your shorts have a big hole in the crotch and there's a chance that part of your nutsack is peeking out.

DON'T assume that the dark thing under your fingernail is chocolate. It might be dirt. Or poop. (Sorry, E-rod)

JUGGLING is something to ease into. Start with rubber balls - don't just jump to the chainsaw part.

EVEN though the hot dogs at the movie theater smell good, remember that some of them have been turning over and over and over for many days. In fact, at night, when they close the theater, they just shut the power down, and they sit there all night long getting cold and moldy. One of these days, if you keep buying them, you will get a bad one. And you will severely regret it.

posted by Avitable Wednesday, May 23, 2007 @ 12:10 am comments (69)
filed under General tagged advice, avitable

RW had this handy little thought provoking meme on his blog and he all but tagged me, so I decided to go ahead and comply with his wishes. He can be a right cantankerous bastard, you know?

The goal of this post is to make 13 predictions for when I am old. Now, I've said that 30 is old, but for the purposes of this, I'll entertain the thought that I'm not truly old until I'm 90, which will be the year 2067.

In 2067...

Rupert Murdoch's clone will have purchased the United States and renamed it FOX World.
The Rolling Stones will consist only of Keith Richards and Mick Jagger's lips. They will still be touring.
Haley Joel Osment will win an Academy Award for his portrayal of the hero George W. Bush, Jr., in the based-on-a-true-story film, "Iraq, You raq, We all raq".
McGoogle will be able to download double cheeseburgers right to your head for free as long as they can plant a small ad in your brain.
As a result of the influence of bizarre Japanese porn, the first octopus/human baby will be born to Katoshi Murakawa of New Tokyo on the island formerly known as Oahu.
The first residents will move back into Iowa since the midwest became uninhabitable due to the nuclear fallout from the 2037 Retail Wars between Wal-Mart and Target.
The Simpsons will finally stop airing after the death of the last person who remembered when it was actually funny.
We will be celebrating Easter 2, which is the 10th anniversary of Jesus returning to Earth, being called a "raghead" for his dark complexion and Middle Eastern facial features by some Baptists, and then being re-crucified by those same zealots. He didn't come back this time.
Weird Al Yankovic will release an album parodying the artists of that time. He is the world's highest paid entertainer.
The FCC levies a fine of $14 Billion against ABC for showing graphic depictions of anal double penetration for three minutes straight. The federal guidelines clearly prohibit anything longer than 170 seconds. When this particular episode of Sesame Street is re-aired, it has been edited accordingly.
Those fuckers will still be trying to get off the island on LOST.
Homicide of certain classes of people becomes a misdemeanor in 13 of the 104 states. The homeless and stupid flee.
A sculpture of Pope Avitable's balls was presented to him at his papal residence in Los Angeles by a world-famous artist. The Pope accidentally dies the next day trying to compare the sculpture with the real thing without using a mirror.