I am NOT a nice person. Some of you think you may know me, and that while I seem all crotchety and shit, I'm actually friendly and kind and other stupid attributes. Well, it's not true. I am an asshole. The things you'll read here might finally make you realize this.
Wednesday, after going to my barber's for my weekly trim and shave, was when I reached the realization that I am indeed an asshole. I walked into the barber's and immediately noticed that my usual barber, Raul, wasn't there. I asked the owner where he is, and she says, "Oh. Well, he's in the hospital right now. They found out that he might have lymphoma."
"That's horrible," I said. "Who's going to cut my hair and shave me?"
She gave me a slightly strange look. "Natalia is going to do it today. So, about Raul. Would you like his phone number? Some of his regulars are checking in on him and sending flowers or something."
On the inside, I'm thinking furiously. What the fuck can I say to that other than "Okay"? I don't want his fucking phone number - I'm not going to call my barber who might have cancer and make small talk! Maybe I'd send him something at the hospital, if he wasn't just my fucking barber! But there was no real answer I could give that would get me off the hook, so I shrugged and said "Sure. Maybe I can send him something."
Two days later, and I still haven't sent him something. If he doesn't die and actually comes back to work, I'll ask him if he got the nice arrangement that I had sent up, and when he says, "No," I'll blame the hospital and the old lady volunteers working the gift shop. But, in the end, and this is the REALLY asshole thing, I'm almost hoping that he doesn't come back so I don't have to worry about it.
So that got me thinking about some of the other things I've done in my life that qualify me for A+ Asshole status:
- Dumped gasoline into a koi pond, killing all of the fish.
- Walked past a homeless man, and when he said, "Spare change?", answered "No thanks, I don't need any" and kept walking.
- Broke up with a girl right after prom because she wouldn't give me a blowjob.
- Rang up $400 in 900-number calls at my friend's heavily religious grandparents' cabin, and then blamed my friend.
- Videotaped several nights worth of the senior class's tradition of streaking the Colonnade during my senior year of college.
- Gave the homeless guy who was selling merchandise in the middle of the road in Saint Louis $1.00 for a huge stuffed animal and promised him I'd come back in an hour with the other $9 he wanted. Avoided that intersection for the next three years of law school.
- Spread rumors that a professor was a pedophile because I didn't like his attitude that he was smarter than me.
- Seduced my younger sister's friends when they would come over to have sleepovers with her.
- Pretended to put change in a tip jar.
- Saw two kids lighting and throwing firecrackers out their car window as they drove in a residential neighborhood. Followed them, pulled them over as a citizen, and got them arrested by the actual police because they were really, really ugly.
- Ruined the ending of a movie for someone who really, really was excited about it. It was the Sixth Sense.
- Told a child that there was no Santa Claus.
Still like me now? Didn't think so.
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Really, the only thing that's truly evil, is ripping off the homeless guy. That takes serious Arseholedness. Good work.
Btw, nice ass.
Comments by canadian_sadie
The only one I really wonder about is the koi. Did you not like the fish? The owner of the fish? I need more information...
Comments by Sheila
If anything, I think I love you even more.
Almost as much as I love this...
Comments by Dave2
So, let's talk about this... you obviously have some issues here, you hate your mother? You are in love with your mother? Your father?
Hmmmm, this is going to take more than just one session...
Comments by Amy
Wow. I hate to tell you... but I just realized how much of a
pussynice guy you are.Comments by NYC Watchdog
I came over for a little bed time reading, but the fish thing is disturbing! I guess I'll just have to surf a little longer.
Comments by jenny
If you had take me to prom I totally would have blown you. In fact, I still might.
Comments by Mr. Fabulous
Sheesh! you ARE an Asshole! Capital "A"... but a sweet one though... And for sure a funny one!
Comments by DutchBitch
You're a little bit of an asshole. Breaking up with that girl BEFORE the prom would have made you a complete asshole.
Not giving a shit about your barber is no big deal. You go there to get something done...he provides a service...it's not a fucking slumber party.
Comments by DeniseTN
"Walked past a homeless man, and when he said, "Spare change?", answered "No thanks, I don't need any" and kept walking." — I will have to remember that one!
Nah, you're not a complete asshole. But, are you a natural redhead?
Comments by heather
I can top you on the prom one.
My friend takes this girl to prom, but she can't stop complaining about how sick she feels. So, he gives her his cell phone to call her parents. She comes back, says that she didn't want to leave, and continues to complain.
He's getting pretty sick of her at this point, and spots a Rent-A-Cop that owes him a favor.
"Psst, hey. Cuff me."
"What?"
"Just do it!"
So she leads him out with his hands behind his back, and he leaves the prom. The chick's left there all by herself. And here's the kicker: she didn't even go to our school, so she didn't know ANYONE!
He's an asshole, but he's a COOL asshole!
Comments by Pickles
Only $400 worth of calls? Not nearly asshole enough.
And what does being a natural redhead have to do with being an asshole???
Comments by Tanya
Canadian Sadie, I didn't rip him off. I was never going to give him anything in the first place!
Sheila, I knew the fish thing was going to bother the most people. I was 11 and a complete shithead. There was no rationale whatsoever.
Dave, in a totally gay way, right?
Amy, did you get your degree in a cereal box?
NYCWD, fucker.
Jenny, everybody always cares about the animals more than people!
Mr. Fab, I knew that.
DB, a sweet asshole? So you like rimjobs?
Denise, well at least I know you're as much of an asshole as I am!
Heather, redheads aren't assholes. They're hotties!
Pickles, that is a good one. Reminds me of the time my brother had a date with some girl he had never met. They were going to a movie, and he went to pick her up at her house. When she came out, he realized she was horrifyingly disgusting and ugly, but he took her to the theater anyway. Then he dropped her off up front and said he'd go park while she waited in line, and he drove off and went home.
Tanya, Heather was just fishing for compliments because she's a hot natural redhead.
Comments by Avitable
Yup, still like you.
Comments by Poppy
Who hasn't killed a little animal at one point or another?
I'd have been more impressed if you dumped the gasoline in your homeless prom date's change cup after you dumped her in the middle of the prom.
Comments by Kal Jones
There is a Santa Claus !! There is !! there is !!!!! There is !!!!!!!
Asshole.
Comments by Paticus
My answer to "Do you have some change?" is always: "No I only carry around 20$ bills." And I show them.
The worst reaction I got was from a guy panhandling sitting besides a Tim Horton's door, right under a Help Wanted sign.
Sheesh.
Comments by Mike
Who said I liked you to begin with?
I told my friend when she was 4 (I was 5) that there was no Santa...I still find pleasure in the fact I did that...even though she cried.
Comments by Mistress Yoda
Amy, and by extension Avi, I think the REAL issue here is why is he so obsessed with people not liking him?
He WANTS to be hated. He needs to have people think he's an asshole and is constantly denying he is nice or kind or any such shit.
Issueless Wonder my ass.
Comments by Miss Britt
omg duh, he's testing the boundaries of adoration. pushing thiiiis far and saying "do you love me NOW???"
Comments by Miss Britt
So, why is it important that people think you're an asshole? Your readership too high? Is it a joke to prove that you can be an asshole and still have people fall all over themselves to cozy up to you? Now you've gone and presented me with a dilemma, cuz on the one hand you can be funny as hell and you don't seem to be an asshole; but on the other hand I don't like assholes. There are already too many self-indulgent assholes in the world. Of course it's entirely likely that the intent of the post totally soared over my head and I'm the asshole here.
Comments by Kelly
Wow! You're a Heather!
Comments by erratic scribbler
Don't forget about the time you reigned down fire and brimstone and took the life of every first born child in Egypt.
Comments by Jordie
here is where i insert "its the thought that counts" or some other hallmark sentiment while i sit in the back row and giggle.
Comments by bluepaintred
Neophyte!
Comments by AnnieB
If you were REALLY as asshole, you wouldn't have avoided the intersection for three years.
Comments by m
So long as she is one of the natural ones, then it is ok.
Comments by Tanya
I still like you, avi. the only one I really thought was mean was the killing of koi. the other incidents all involve people and people suck so they probably all deserved it in one way or another.
Comments by Webmiztris
The koi thing makes perfect sense...Those stupid koi think they're sooooo cool, with their gills and their swimming around all the time.
stupid jerks.
Comments by Paticus
Those things are mean?
One day I will tell you about barefoot homeless foot races...
If mean = above post then so what?
Plus I still don't think you are mean.
Comments by ADW
Something is not right here. Need a hug, Avi?
Comments by Dragon
Humm thinking....
thinking....
Nope. Still like you.
Comments by Fogspinner
I never thought you were a "nice guy".
Comments by themuttprincess
Oh, whatever, Avi. I still say you're a fucking amateur.
Comments by Tracy Lynn
Poppy, I'd expect no less!
Kal, that's a story for another day.
Paticus, hush now. Of course there is.
Mike, ooh, that's a good one.
Mistress Yoda, I know you like me in that special way.
Britt, I'm not obsessed with it! I just was thinking about the barber and realized that was rude, then started thinking of other rude things. Dimestore psychologist.
Kelly, oh, you're definitely a self-indulgent asshole as well. Welcome to the club.
Erratic Scribbler, I'd rather be JD.
Jordie, yeah there was that.
BPR, yeah, treacly sentiment makes me laugh, too.
AnnieB, instruct me, master.
M, I'm an asshole who doesn't want to be stabbed with a broken bottle.
Tanya, yeah, it is.
Dawn, that's probably how most people feel.
Paticus, they're so snooty!
ADW, do I have to club baby seals?
Dragon, I'm not a "hugger".
Fogspinner, I didn't necessarily want people to dislike me - that last line in the post is more of a throwaway line.
TMP, you don't like nice guys, do you?
Tracy, compared to you, of course!
Comments by Avitable
Comments by Mistress Yoda
It's cool to be an asshole. It MUST be if you and I are in the same class.
Comments by DeniseTN
You know what was actually rude about that situation? The owner presuming that you wanted to know anything more than "Raul is out and might not be returning for personal reasons." She should have just left it up to you to ask how to contact him if you wanted to. It's not your fault she put you in the awkward position of having to say yes or no to "do you want to know how to contact him?" If put in the same situation I would have gotten the info then had no intention of ever following through. And that's why you're not an asshole.
Comments by Poppy
Are you clubbing the seals for their lovely, war fur?
Then no - you're still good in my book.
Am I mean?
Probably.
Oh well... I am sure that in our meanness, we'll get by somehow.
Comments by ADW
Hate to say it, pal, but Bossy thinks this is an absurdly short list.
Comments by BOSSY
Mistress Yoda,
Denise, I guess we are the cool kids!
ADW, I'm just clubbing for fun. So, we're good?
Bossy, it's incomplete.
Comments by Avitable
Of course Honey, I like 'm. Who doesn't? Doesn't everyone?
Comments by DutchBitch
What, you're not talking to me anymore?! Niiiiice.
Comments by Poppy
I take it you're single?
Comments by stepping over the junk
DB, only the special girls.
Poppy, shit, how did I miss that? I agree with you - asking a loaded question like that is not exactly professional. If he lives and comes back, though, I'll still feel weird if I said, "No, I didn't send anything."
Stepping, only if I can assume you're a fucking retard?
Comments by Avitable
HEY, I'm a volunteer at the hospital asshole! hee...but I'm not one of the 'old' ones so na ner na ner
Comments by Tug
Nope... Nice guys finish last.
Comments by themuttprincess
Oh yeah - we are good.
Comments by ADW
I don't think any of those things would make someone hate you. Being a lawyer will though.
Comments by usedtobeme
Avi, you need to practice your Asshole skills because you being sorry that you "forgot" me makes you not an asshole. But I forgive you.
Comments by Poppy
Wow! Well most of them aren't all that bad. But ruining The Sixth Sense? Brutal.
Comments by Suzanne
Tug, you are one of those old hospital volunteers!
TMP, until karma gives them a boost, that is.
ADW, sweet. You should come over for some tasty baby seal jerky.
Usedtobeme, I should have mentioned that. That's the biggest one of them all!
Poppy, I can be a selective asshole.
Suzanne, yeah, it was fun watching their face just crumble.
Comments by Avitable
Killing the fish was a pretty asshole move. But the rest of it... kinda amateur, actually.
Now, had you ruined the Easter Bunny and Santa at the same time... well, then, maybe I'd believe you were really an asshole.
Comments by stephanie
You keep trying to shake us, but it simply won't work!
Comments by cat
Tasty Baby Seal Jerky..
I have NEVER heard IT called that before..
New pick up line?
I have heard:
I'm tasty baby, jerk me...hmmmmm
Comments by ADW
ADW cracks me up!
Avi, do the gray hair volunteers in your area have THIS?
and my grays are covered thankyouverymuch
Comments by Tug
Steph, yeah, the fish is the one thing I regret.
Cat, I know!
ADW, you've never lived until you've tasted my salty, kinda sweet, baby seal jerky.
Tug, covered or dyed?
Comments by Avitable
Yes well that all just made me laugh, especially the homeless guy that asked for change and then you said no you were good haha too funny. Homeless guy probably wanted change to buy booze, because you know if he was homeless for a reason beyond his control he would have already found a job because he'd be too prideful to ask for money...well thats my opinion anyway.
Comments by Miss Misery
Miss Misery, wow, you are an asshole!
Comments by Avitable
What do you have against koi fish?
Comments by Mist 1