It's not always about being funny.

A is for asshole

I am NOT a nice person. Some of you think you may know me, and that while I seem all crotchety and shit, I’m actually friendly and kind and other stupid attributes. Well, it’s not true. I am an asshole. The things you’ll read here might finally make you realize this.

Wednesday, after going to my barber’s for my weekly trim and shave, was when I reached the realization that I am indeed an asshole. I walked into the barber’s and immediately noticed that my usual barber, Raul, wasn’t there. I asked the owner where he is, and she says, “Oh. Well, he’s in the hospital right now. They found out that he might have lymphoma.”

“That’s horrible,” I said. “Who’s going to cut my hair and shave me?”

She gave me a slightly strange look. “Natalia is going to do it today. So, about Raul. Would you like his phone number? Some of his regulars are checking in on him and sending flowers or something.”

On the inside, I’m thinking furiously. What the fuck can I say to that other than “Okay”? I don’t want his fucking phone number – I’m not going to call my barber who might have cancer and make small talk! Maybe I’d send him something at the hospital, if he wasn’t just my fucking barber! But there was no real answer I could give that would get me off the hook, so I shrugged and said “Sure. Maybe I can send him something.”

Two days later, and I still haven’t sent him something. If he doesn’t die and actually comes back to work, I’ll ask him if he got the nice arrangement that I had sent up, and when he says, “No,” I’ll blame the hospital and the old lady volunteers working the gift shop. But, in the end, and this is the REALLY asshole thing, I’m almost hoping that he doesn’t come back so I don’t have to worry about it.

So that got me thinking about some of the other things I’ve done in my life that qualify me for A+ Asshole status:

  • Dumped gasoline into a koi pond, killing all of the fish.
  • Walked past a homeless man, and when he said, “Spare change?”, answered “No thanks, I don’t need any” and kept walking.
  • Broke up with a girl right after prom because she wouldn’t give me a blowjob.
  • Rang up $400 in 900-number calls at my friend’s heavily religious grandparents’ cabin, and then blamed my friend.
  • Videotaped several nights worth of the senior class’s tradition of streaking the Colonnade during my senior year of college.
  • Gave the homeless guy who was selling merchandise in the middle of the road in Saint Louis $1.00 for a huge stuffed animal and promised him I’d come back in an hour with the other $9 he wanted. Avoided that intersection for the next three years of law school.
  • Spread rumors that a professor was a pedophile because I didn’t like his attitude that he was smarter than me.
  • Seduced my younger sister’s friends when they would come over to have sleepovers with her.
  • Pretended to put change in a tip jar.
  • Saw two kids lighting and throwing firecrackers out their car window as they drove in a residential neighborhood. Followed them, pulled them over as a citizen, and got them arrested by the actual police because they were really, really ugly.
  • Ruined the ending of a movie for someone who really, really was excited about it. It was the Sixth Sense.
  • Told a child that there was no Santa Claus.

Still like me now? Didn’t think so.

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61 Replies to “A is for asshole”

  1. Amy

    So, let’s talk about this… you obviously have some issues here, you hate your mother? You are in love with your mother? Your father?

    Hmmmm, this is going to take more than just one session… :sex014:

  2. DeniseTN

    You’re a little bit of an asshole. Breaking up with that girl BEFORE the prom would have made you a complete asshole.

    Not giving a shit about your barber is no big deal. You go there to get something done…he provides a service…it’s not a fucking slumber party.

  3. heather

    “Walked past a homeless man, and when he said, “Spare change?”, answered “No thanks, I don’t need any” and kept walking.” — I will have to remember that one!

    Nah, you’re not a complete asshole. But, are you a natural redhead?

  4. Pickles

    I can top you on the prom one.

    My friend takes this girl to prom, but she can’t stop complaining about how sick she feels. So, he gives her his cell phone to call her parents. She comes back, says that she didn’t want to leave, and continues to complain.

    He’s getting pretty sick of her at this point, and spots a Rent-A-Cop that owes him a favor.

    “Psst, hey. Cuff me.”

    “What?”

    “Just do it!”

    So she leads him out with his hands behind his back, and he leaves the prom. The chick’s left there all by herself. And here’s the kicker: she didn’t even go to our school, so she didn’t know ANYONE!

    He’s an asshole, but he’s a COOL asshole!

  5. Avitable

    Canadian Sadie, I didn’t rip him off. I was never going to give him anything in the first place!

    Sheila, I knew the fish thing was going to bother the most people. I was 11 and a complete shithead. There was no rationale whatsoever.

    Dave, in a totally gay way, right?

    Amy, did you get your degree in a cereal box? :lmao:

    NYCWD, fucker.

    Jenny, everybody always cares about the animals more than people!

    Mr. Fab, I knew that.

    DB, a sweet asshole? So you like rimjobs?

    Denise, well at least I know you’re as much of an asshole as I am!

    Heather, redheads aren’t assholes. They’re hotties!

    Pickles, that is a good one. Reminds me of the time my brother had a date with some girl he had never met. They were going to a movie, and he went to pick her up at her house. When she came out, he realized she was horrifyingly disgusting and ugly, but he took her to the theater anyway. Then he dropped her off up front and said he’d go park while she waited in line, and he drove off and went home.

    Tanya, Heather was just fishing for compliments because she’s a hot natural redhead.

  6. Kal Jones

    Who hasn’t killed a little animal at one point or another?

    I’d have been more impressed if you dumped the gasoline in your homeless prom date’s change cup after you dumped her in the middle of the prom.

  7. Mike

    My answer to “Do you have some change?” is always: “No I only carry around 20$ bills.” And I show them.

    The worst reaction I got was from a guy panhandling sitting besides a Tim Horton’s door, right under a Help Wanted sign.

    Sheesh.

  8. Miss Britt

    Amy, and by extension Avi, I think the REAL issue here is why is he so obsessed with people not liking him?

    He WANTS to be hated. He needs to have people think he’s an asshole and is constantly denying he is nice or kind or any such shit.

    Issueless Wonder my ass. :poke:

  9. Kelly

    So, why is it important that people think you’re an asshole? Your readership too high? Is it a joke to prove that you can be an asshole and still have people fall all over themselves to cozy up to you? Now you’ve gone and presented me with a dilemma, cuz on the one hand you can be funny as hell and you don’t seem to be an asshole; but on the other hand I don’t like assholes. There are already too many self-indulgent assholes in the world. Of course it’s entirely likely that the intent of the post totally soared over my head and I’m the asshole here.

  10. Webmiztris

    I still like you, avi. the only one I really thought was mean was the killing of koi. the other incidents all involve people and people suck so they probably all deserved it in one way or another.

  11. Avitable

    Poppy, I’d expect no less! :jerkoff2:

    Kal, that’s a story for another day.

    Paticus, hush now. Of course there is.

    Mike, ooh, that’s a good one.

    Mistress Yoda, I know you like me in that special way. :tongue1:

    Britt, I’m not obsessed with it! I just was thinking about the barber and realized that was rude, then started thinking of other rude things. Dimestore psychologist.

    Kelly, oh, you’re definitely a self-indulgent asshole as well. Welcome to the club.

    Erratic Scribbler, I’d rather be JD.

    Jordie, yeah there was that.

    BPR, yeah, treacly sentiment makes me laugh, too.

    AnnieB, instruct me, master.

    M, I’m an asshole who doesn’t want to be stabbed with a broken bottle.

    Tanya, yeah, it is.

    Dawn, that’s probably how most people feel.

    Paticus, they’re so snooty!

    ADW, do I have to club baby seals?

    Dragon, I’m not a “hugger”.

    Fogspinner, I didn’t necessarily want people to dislike me – that last line in the post is more of a throwaway line.

    TMP, you don’t like nice guys, do you?

    Tracy, compared to you, of course!

  12. Poppy

    You know what was actually rude about that situation? The owner presuming that you wanted to know anything more than “Raul is out and might not be returning for personal reasons.” She should have just left it up to you to ask how to contact him if you wanted to. It’s not your fault she put you in the awkward position of having to say yes or no to “do you want to know how to contact him?” If put in the same situation I would have gotten the info then had no intention of ever following through. And that’s why you’re not an asshole. :cocksuck2:

  13. ADW

    Are you clubbing the seals for their lovely, war fur?

    Then no – you’re still good in my book.

    Am I mean?
    Probably.
    Oh well… I am sure that in our meanness, we’ll get by somehow.

  14. Avitable

    DB, only the special girls.

    Poppy, shit, how did I miss that? I agree with you – asking a loaded question like that is not exactly professional. If he lives and comes back, though, I’ll still feel weird if I said, “No, I didn’t send anything.”

    Stepping, only if I can assume you’re a fucking retard?

  15. Avitable

    Tug, you are one of those old hospital volunteers! :lmao:

    TMP, until karma gives them a boost, that is.

    ADW, sweet. You should come over for some tasty baby seal jerky.

    Usedtobeme, I should have mentioned that. That’s the biggest one of them all!

    Poppy, I can be a selective asshole.

    Suzanne, yeah, it was fun watching their face just crumble.

  16. stephanie

    Killing the fish was a pretty asshole move. But the rest of it… kinda amateur, actually.

    Now, had you ruined the Easter Bunny and Santa at the same time… well, then, maybe I’d believe you were really an asshole.

    :boobs3:

  17. Tug

    ADW cracks me up!

    Avi, do the gray hair volunteers in your area have THIS? :assshake: :boobs5: :boobs1: :boobs2: :sexytime:

    and my grays are covered thankyouverymuch

  18. Miss Misery

    Yes well that all just made me laugh, especially the homeless guy that asked for change and then you said no you were good haha too funny. Homeless guy probably wanted change to buy booze, because you know if he was homeless for a reason beyond his control he would have already found a job because he’d be too prideful to ask for money…well thats my opinion anyway. :sex014:

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