I am NOT a nice person. Some of you think you may know me, and that while I seem all crotchety and shit, I’m actually friendly and kind and other stupid attributes. Well, it’s not true. I am an asshole. The things you’ll read here might finally make you realize this.
Wednesday, after going to my barber’s for my weekly trim and shave, was when I reached the realization that I am indeed an asshole. I walked into the barber’s and immediately noticed that my usual barber, Raul, wasn’t there. I asked the owner where he is, and she says, “Oh. Well, he’s in the hospital right now. They found out that he might have lymphoma.”
“That’s horrible,” I said. “Who’s going to cut my hair and shave me?”
She gave me a slightly strange look. “Natalia is going to do it today. So, about Raul. Would you like his phone number? Some of his regulars are checking in on him and sending flowers or something.”
On the inside, I’m thinking furiously. What the fuck can I say to that other than “Okay”? I don’t want his fucking phone number – I’m not going to call my barber who might have cancer and make small talk! Maybe I’d send him something at the hospital, if he wasn’t just my fucking barber! But there was no real answer I could give that would get me off the hook, so I shrugged and said “Sure. Maybe I can send him something.”
Two days later, and I still haven’t sent him something. If he doesn’t die and actually comes back to work, I’ll ask him if he got the nice arrangement that I had sent up, and when he says, “No,” I’ll blame the hospital and the old lady volunteers working the gift shop. But, in the end, and this is the REALLY asshole thing, I’m almost hoping that he doesn’t come back so I don’t have to worry about it.
So that got me thinking about some of the other things I’ve done in my life that qualify me for A+ Asshole status:
- Dumped gasoline into a koi pond, killing all of the fish.
- Walked past a homeless man, and when he said, “Spare change?”, answered “No thanks, I don’t need any” and kept walking.
- Broke up with a girl right after prom because she wouldn’t give me a blowjob.
- Rang up $400 in 900-number calls at my friend’s heavily religious grandparents’ cabin, and then blamed my friend.
- Videotaped several nights worth of the senior class’s tradition of streaking the Colonnade during my senior year of college.
- Gave the homeless guy who was selling merchandise in the middle of the road in Saint Louis $1.00 for a huge stuffed animal and promised him I’d come back in an hour with the other $9 he wanted. Avoided that intersection for the next three years of law school.
- Spread rumors that a professor was a pedophile because I didn’t like his attitude that he was smarter than me.
- Seduced my younger sister’s friends when they would come over to have sleepovers with her.
- Pretended to put change in a tip jar.
- Saw two kids lighting and throwing firecrackers out their car window as they drove in a residential neighborhood. Followed them, pulled them over as a citizen, and got them arrested by the actual police because they were really, really ugly.
- Ruined the ending of a movie for someone who really, really was excited about it. It was the Sixth Sense.
- Told a child that there was no Santa Claus.
Still like me now? Didn’t think so.
Enjoy this post? Try these:Why I Love Father Muskrat
The one where I talk about men and women and piss everyone off.
Don’t be an asshope
Really, the only thing that’s truly evil, is ripping off the homeless guy. That takes serious Arseholedness. Good work.
Btw, nice ass.
:assshake:
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The only one I really wonder about is the koi. Did you not like the fish? The owner of the fish? I need more information…
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Twitter: Blogography
says:
If anything, I think I love you even more.
Almost as much as I love this…
:boobs1:
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So, let’s talk about this… you obviously have some issues here, you hate your mother? You are in love with your mother? Your father?
Hmmmm, this is going to take more than just one session… :sex014:
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Twitter: nycwatchdog
says:
Wow. I hate to tell you… but I just realized how much of a
pussynice guy you are.Reply
I came over for a little bed time reading, but the fish thing is disturbing! I guess I’ll just have to surf a little longer.
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If you had take me to prom I totally would have blown you. In fact, I still might.
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Sheesh! you ARE an Asshole! Capital “A”… but a sweet one though… And for sure a funny one! :sexytime:
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You’re a little bit of an asshole. Breaking up with that girl BEFORE the prom would have made you a complete asshole.
Not giving a shit about your barber is no big deal. You go there to get something done…he provides a service…it’s not a fucking slumber party.
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“Walked past a homeless man, and when he said, “Spare change?”, answered “No thanks, I don’t need any” and kept walking.” — I will have to remember that one!
Nah, you’re not a complete asshole. But, are you a natural redhead?
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I can top you on the prom one.
My friend takes this girl to prom, but she can’t stop complaining about how sick she feels. So, he gives her his cell phone to call her parents. She comes back, says that she didn’t want to leave, and continues to complain.
He’s getting pretty sick of her at this point, and spots a Rent-A-Cop that owes him a favor.
“Psst, hey. Cuff me.”
“What?”
“Just do it!”
So she leads him out with his hands behind his back, and he leaves the prom. The chick’s left there all by herself. And here’s the kicker: she didn’t even go to our school, so she didn’t know ANYONE!
He’s an asshole, but he’s a COOL asshole!
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Only $400 worth of calls? Not nearly asshole enough.
And what does being a natural redhead have to do with being an asshole??? :pissed:
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Canadian Sadie, I didn’t rip him off. I was never going to give him anything in the first place!
Sheila, I knew the fish thing was going to bother the most people. I was 11 and a complete shithead. There was no rationale whatsoever.
Dave, in a totally gay way, right?
Amy, did you get your degree in a cereal box? :lmao:
NYCWD, fucker.
Jenny, everybody always cares about the animals more than people!
Mr. Fab, I knew that.
DB, a sweet asshole? So you like rimjobs?
Denise, well at least I know you’re as much of an asshole as I am!
Heather, redheads aren’t assholes. They’re hotties!
Pickles, that is a good one. Reminds me of the time my brother had a date with some girl he had never met. They were going to a movie, and he went to pick her up at her house. When she came out, he realized she was horrifyingly disgusting and ugly, but he took her to the theater anyway. Then he dropped her off up front and said he’d go park while she waited in line, and he drove off and went home.
Tanya, Heather was just fishing for compliments because she’s a hot natural redhead.
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Yup, still like you.
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Who hasn’t killed a little animal at one point or another?
I’d have been more impressed if you dumped the gasoline in your homeless prom date’s change cup after you dumped her in the middle of the prom.
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There is a Santa Claus !! There is !! there is !!!!! There is !!!!!!!
Asshole.
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Twitter: LeSombre
says:
My answer to “Do you have some change?” is always: “No I only carry around 20$ bills.” And I show them.
The worst reaction I got was from a guy panhandling sitting besides a Tim Horton’s door, right under a Help Wanted sign.
Sheesh.
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Twitter: hismuse
says:
Who said I liked you to begin with?
I told my friend when she was 4 (I was 5) that there was no Santa…I still find pleasure in the fact I did that…even though she cried.
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Twitter: missbritt
says:
Amy, and by extension Avi, I think the REAL issue here is why is he so obsessed with people not liking him?
He WANTS to be hated. He needs to have people think he’s an asshole and is constantly denying he is nice or kind or any such shit.
Issueless Wonder my ass. :poke:
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Twitter: missbritt
says:
omg duh, he’s testing the boundaries of adoration. pushing thiiiis far and saying “do you love me NOW???”
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So, why is it important that people think you’re an asshole? Your readership too high? Is it a joke to prove that you can be an asshole and still have people fall all over themselves to cozy up to you? Now you’ve gone and presented me with a dilemma, cuz on the one hand you can be funny as hell and you don’t seem to be an asshole; but on the other hand I don’t like assholes. There are already too many self-indulgent assholes in the world. Of course it’s entirely likely that the intent of the post totally soared over my head and I’m the asshole here.
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Wow! You’re a Heather!
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Don’t forget about the time you reigned down fire and brimstone and took the life of every first born child in Egypt.
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here is where i insert “its the thought that counts” or some other hallmark sentiment while i sit in the back row and giggle.
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Neophyte!
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If you were REALLY as asshole, you wouldn’t have avoided the intersection for three years.
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So long as she is one of the natural ones, then it is ok.
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I still like you, avi. the only one I really thought was mean was the killing of koi. the other incidents all involve people and people suck so they probably all deserved it in one way or another.
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The koi thing makes perfect sense…Those stupid koi think they’re sooooo cool, with their gills and their swimming around all the time.
stupid jerks.
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Those things are mean?
One day I will tell you about barefoot homeless foot races…
If mean = above post then so what?
Plus I still don’t think you are mean.
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Something is not right here. Need a hug, Avi?
:hug:
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Humm thinking….
thinking….
Nope. Still like you.
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I never thought you were a “nice guy”.
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Twitter: tlkaply
says:
Oh, whatever, Avi. I still say you’re a fucking amateur. :finger:
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Poppy, I’d expect no less! :jerkoff2:
Kal, that’s a story for another day.
Paticus, hush now. Of course there is.
Mike, ooh, that’s a good one.
Mistress Yoda, I know you like me in that special way. :tongue1:
Britt, I’m not obsessed with it! I just was thinking about the barber and realized that was rude, then started thinking of other rude things. Dimestore psychologist.
Kelly, oh, you’re definitely a self-indulgent asshole as well. Welcome to the club.
Erratic Scribbler, I’d rather be JD.
Jordie, yeah there was that.
BPR, yeah, treacly sentiment makes me laugh, too.
AnnieB, instruct me, master.
M, I’m an asshole who doesn’t want to be stabbed with a broken bottle.
Tanya, yeah, it is.
Dawn, that’s probably how most people feel.
Paticus, they’re so snooty!
ADW, do I have to club baby seals?
Dragon, I’m not a “hugger”.
Fogspinner, I didn’t necessarily want people to dislike me – that last line in the post is more of a throwaway line.
TMP, you don’t like nice guys, do you?
Tracy, compared to you, of course!
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Twitter: hismuse
says:
:boobs4:
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It’s cool to be an asshole. It MUST be if you and I are in the same class.
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You know what was actually rude about that situation? The owner presuming that you wanted to know anything more than “Raul is out and might not be returning for personal reasons.” She should have just left it up to you to ask how to contact him if you wanted to. It’s not your fault she put you in the awkward position of having to say yes or no to “do you want to know how to contact him?” If put in the same situation I would have gotten the info then had no intention of ever following through. And that’s why you’re not an asshole. :cocksuck2:
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Are you clubbing the seals for their lovely, war fur?
Then no – you’re still good in my book.
Am I mean?
Probably.
Oh well… I am sure that in our meanness, we’ll get by somehow.
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Hate to say it, pal, but Bossy thinks this is an absurdly short list.
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Mistress Yoda, :jerkoff2:
Denise, I guess we are the cool kids!
ADW, I’m just clubbing for fun. So, we’re good?
Bossy, it’s incomplete.
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Of course Honey, I like ‘m. Who doesn’t? Doesn’t everyone?
:woohoo:
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What, you’re not talking to me anymore?! Niiiiice.
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I take it you’re single?
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DB, only the special girls.
Poppy, shit, how did I miss that? I agree with you – asking a loaded question like that is not exactly professional. If he lives and comes back, though, I’ll still feel weird if I said, “No, I didn’t send anything.”
Stepping, only if I can assume you’re a fucking retard?
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HEY, I’m a volunteer at the hospital asshole! hee…but I’m not one of the ‘old’ ones so na ner na ner :boobs3: :sexytime: :boobs2:
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Nope… Nice guys finish last.
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Oh yeah – we are good.
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Twitter: whyrustalkingme
says:
I don’t think any of those things would make someone hate you. Being a lawyer will though.
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Avi, you need to practice your Asshole skills because you being sorry that you “forgot” me makes you not an asshole. But I forgive you. :sex014: :assshake:
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Wow! Well most of them aren’t all that bad. But ruining The Sixth Sense? Brutal.
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Tug, you are one of those old hospital volunteers! :lmao:
TMP, until karma gives them a boost, that is.
ADW, sweet. You should come over for some tasty baby seal jerky.
Usedtobeme, I should have mentioned that. That’s the biggest one of them all!
Poppy, I can be a selective asshole.
Suzanne, yeah, it was fun watching their face just crumble.
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Killing the fish was a pretty asshole move. But the rest of it… kinda amateur, actually.
Now, had you ruined the Easter Bunny and Santa at the same time… well, then, maybe I’d believe you were really an asshole.
:boobs3:
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You keep trying to shake us, but it simply won’t work!
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Tasty Baby Seal Jerky..
I have NEVER heard IT called that before..
New pick up line?
I have heard:
I’m tasty baby, jerk me…hmmmmm
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ADW cracks me up!
Avi, do the gray hair volunteers in your area have THIS? :assshake: :boobs5: :boobs1: :boobs2: :sexytime:
and my grays are covered thankyouverymuch
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Steph, yeah, the fish is the one thing I regret.
Cat, I know!
ADW, you’ve never lived until you’ve tasted my salty, kinda sweet, baby seal jerky.
Tug, covered or dyed?
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Yes well that all just made me laugh, especially the homeless guy that asked for change and then you said no you were good haha too funny. Homeless guy probably wanted change to buy booze, because you know if he was homeless for a reason beyond his control he would have already found a job because he’d be too prideful to ask for money…well thats my opinion anyway. :sex014:
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Miss Misery, wow, you are an asshole! :lmao:
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What do you have against koi fish?
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