My mood ebbs and flows. Today, I feel like talking about just a few types of people that I hate. If you see yourself in here, it doesn't mean I'm thinking of you. It just means that maybe you should take a look at yourself - you might suck!
I hate . . .
1. The White Trash Whore - Do you wear thick blue mascara around both your eyes and wear clothes so tight that you look like a fat, ugly version of Daisy Duke? Are you on the government's dime with a really poor excuse why you can't work a real job? Do you do nothing but whine and bitch about things not being easy for you? Do you watch Oprah or Dr. Phil and agree with absolutely everything they have to say? Are your kids not even yours but you say you love them until they're obnoxious little shits and then you make it clear they're not yours? Do you live in a trailer but dream of living in a big mansion and lay on the pull-out couch talking about it with your worthless boyfriend, and do your plans of making it to that big mansion involve buying lottery tickets instead of working hard? Have you ever thought that one of Jeff Foxworthy's redneck jokes hit too close to home? Have you ever turned the oven on and left it open to heat your house? I fucking hate you.
2. The Confused Political Theorist - Do you think you're a liberal but want to censor and punish everyone who doesn't agree with you? Do you support freedom of speech unless it doesn't suit your needs? Do you think you're a conservative but you espouse sexist and racist views? Do you want corporations to have power and a powerful veil of privacy, but you want to regulate what citizens do in the privacy of their own home? Are you a drunk who thinks marijuana is harmful? Do you agree with Rush Limbaugh, Bill O'Reilly, Al Franken, Jesse Jackson, Al Sharpton, Ann Coulter, or Michael Moore? Do you think Don Imus should have been fired, really? Do you think Bill Clinton should have been impeached, really? Do you blindly support W or, conversely, celebrate dead soldiers? I fucking hate you.
3. The Brainless - Do you make decisions based on one side of an argument, without even considering facts not in evidence or that one side's motivation? Do you hear something from an unknown third party and treat it like gospel? Do you forward email warnings about dangers that are clearly urban legends? Do you think Target is a French company that hates America? Do you think that flashing your brights will get you run off the road? Do you know that there's a site called Snopes that you can use to check emails before forwarding them but you can't be bothered? Do you accept all authority unflinchingly and without doubt? Do you still have a problem with "your", "you're", "their", "they're", "there", "it's", and "its", even though it's been drilled into your head a million times? Do you assume that someone speaking with a foreign accent is stupid? Do you say "What?" with a stupid look on your face when people try to talk to you? Have you ever believed anything that a morning DJ said? I fucking hate you.
I know, it's only three groups of people, but it's good enough for tonight. If you read this, and you apply to all three groups, please go see how many lit M-80s you can eat before they explode. Please go do a personal tire inflation check on every car going down the busiest interstate in your town. Please go lay down behind the local drunk's truck at your local dive bar. Please go see if the guns at the range are loaded by looking down the barrel. Please go roll in honey and hang out where bears play. Please go receive anal sex from an angry horse. I fucking hate you.
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Hey Avitable. Just visiting from Fab's. You know, I kind of expected you to be really direct and speak your mind about things. Oh well, maybe next time.
Comments by Diesel
Do you still have a problem with "your", "you're", "their", "they're", "there", "it's", and "its",
Yup! I sure do!
lets see,
your - possessive, it's your item
you're - can be used in place of You Are
their - someone else's thing
they're - again, they are
there- over there
it's - uhm... i think that when it has an apostrophe it means possessive, like it's my toy. but I'm not sure
its- I dunno. Clue me in!
how many did I get right?
Comments by bluepaintred
and the people said..."AMEN"
Comments by ProudestMonky
1. Ahem. No, I wear these clothes because I think they make me HAWT. Green is the new blue eyeshadow.
I'm on unemployment because I choose to be. I have no excuse nor do I need one.
Shit isn't easy for me because I'm really kinda stupid. I love to whine and moan because things aren't easy. But I need no excuse because I just like to do it.
I do not, however, watch Oprah or Dr. Phil. I will watch Judge Judy when she is on and I have nothing else to do.
No kids.
I don't live in a trailer, but I live in a small house but no pull-out sofa, yet I dream of having an obnoxiously large house.
I don't buy lottery tickets to get there. Instead, I buy stock and put money in mutual funds. I'll either lose my ass or get my obnoxiously large house.
Jeff Foxworthy actually follows me around to get ideas for his Redneck jokes.
And yes, I did turn on the oven once to warm up my hands. But only because the heat went out in the house when I was living in Phoenix and the heater man couldn't come until 3 days (it was over Christmas.) And since I'm stupid (see above) I did not know how to build a fire in the fireplace so I went and bought those premade logs that you just light and burn. Let me tell you right now, those do not work.
2. I hate politics.
3. What?
PS–I love you, too. You're my favorite gorilla.
Comments by Kentucky Girl
To bluepaintred (because I'm a Grammar Nazi):
"It's" is NOT possessive. "Its" is, as stupid as that sounds. "It's" is simply "it is" in contraction form.
It's: "It's imperative that Michael Moore shut the fuck up immediately."
Its: "I couldn't stand that documentary because of its obvious slant toward liberal stupidity."
To Avitable: I couldn't have said it better.
Comments by Bonnie
bonnie are all 's words contractions of ___ is?
Comments by bluepaintred
Gonna have to go with you on the accents people. Not only are they biggest asshats on the planet- but they make "We the people" look stupid in the eyes of the international public... and really- our government does enough of that for us as it is.
Oh... and Snopes. I keep sending the chain mail forwarding cuntmuffins that site with a nice "screw you" letter, and they keep sending them to me.
As for grammar asses... Imply and Infer... Most don't know the difference, and that pisses me off too. (to, too)
I would get down and prostrate for this post... if I didn't have a bad back and all.
Comments by MsFreud
I am so with you on #2 in more ways than you could know.
Comments by Nocturnal
Don't beat around the bush, Avi. How do you really feel?
Comments by Joefish
Whew! So far so good for me, I think.
Comments by Mr. Fabulous
You don't hate me..yet. Yay!
Comments by DeniseTN
Here's my standard reply to chain letters. Normally they get the gist of it on the first or second viewing. Most of them on the second.
And by the way: Its official, your my hero. Their, I said it.
Comments by Mike
I wear blue mascara. What the fuck OF it??
Comments by RW
So far I'm safe. My favorite gorilla doesn't hate me.
Comments by heather
Thank God you didn't say assholes!
Comments by AnnieB
Diesel, thanks for the visit. I'm not usually so subtle about my posts, but this particular one clearly required some tact and careful wording.
BPR, you get a free pass. And you didn't do that badly. I will clarify, though, that it's not just one of those things that would make me hate someone - I'm not entirely irrational. It's a combination.
ProudestMonky, well, I am a religious leader, and I like to lead my flock in prayer.
KG, Judge Judy is awesome.
Bonnie, I was going to correct her, but figured this did it just as well. She got the rest right, though!
BPR, no. Sometimes it is used as a possessive and sometimes it is a contraction of ___ is. It's never a possessive, so if you're ever just talking about more than one thing, never add an apostrophe.
MsFreud, I'm willing to let people slide on the subtler ones like imply/infer, lay/lie, etc. But people who assume that just because someone might not speak English flawlessly they must be stupid is a moron.
Nocturnal, you're right, especially because I don't know you!
Joefish, maybe I should put a disclaimer on the top that I'm sorry for being so subtle?
Mr. Fabulous, how could I hate the man who has invaded my loins?
Denise, nevah!
Mike, very nice!
RW, but you look good in it, so it's okay.
Heather, redheads don't apply to any of the above statements.
AnnieB, I'm not into self-loathing.
Comments by Avitable
I'm not hated either!! I feel the love!
Comments by Angel
Well I hate you too you strawberry Oreo consuming freak.
Comments by Mistress Yoda
I thought for sure I would be amongst the hated, but not yet...
What about affect/effect - those can be a little confusing, no?
OOOh and irregardless - apparently that one pisses people off like no other.
Comments by ADW
Well hot damn, nothin like a fresh brewed cup of rant to wake up in the morning. Deserving targets all.
Can you throw in people who use "irregardless?" I don't care if it's starting to gain acceptance, it just ain't right.
Oh, and as a grad student, I heated my apartment with my gas oven (gas and hot water included in rent) because the electric heat bill would have cut into my weed, cigarettes and alcohol fund.
Comments by Schadenfreude
Did I already comment yet? No, I got distracted by Mike and his shiny Bears, Beats, Battlestar Galactica.
Okay, here we go.
It amuses me to no end that you let these people have an effect on you at all. Not worth your time.
Comments by Poppy
RW took my line, godnabbit...
I will have to cop to criminal misuse of both commas and apostrophes.
Although I do get really uppity about those "Employees must wash their hand's" signs, and usually write "must wash their hand's what?" underneath.
Comments by Kal Jones
Angel, don't feel too good. I don't know you that well yet. I'm sure I can find something!
Mistress Yoda, I can tell when you're lying. You love me.
ADW, I might look down on people who misuse things like "affect" and "effect" and "irregardless", but I don't hate them for their ignorance.
Schad, things you do as students when you're trying to get edumacated are allowed. I did some of the same things myself.
Poppy, that's why I post, so I don't let them affect me.
Kal, they usually mean their hand's balls.
Comments by Avitable
Well...apparently I'm a "mommy blogger"
Comments by Mistress Yoda
And I meant Beets, but I already edited that comment once so apparently I can't edit it again.
I told you my head feels like it's hung over...
Comments by Poppy
Which is worse?
1.) Receiving anal from an angry horse
2.) Giving anal to a dead horse
Comments by Clown
I hate all those people too
Comments by Christie
AH! We are so much alike.
Unfortunately you described almost every person my husband works with.
It makes for nice dinner conversation when he gets home from work..as in 'what'd dumb ass say today'
Comments by Bri
I don't understand how people have trouble with the apostrophe/possessive thing. If you mean "is" after the word, like "it", you add one and if not, you don't. It's weird that one of the grammatical rules that I find easiest to follow is the hardest for some to understand.
P.S. I think Snopes should be a required class in high school....LOL Bill Gates is never going to give you money for forwarding an email. How fucking retarded are you people!?!!!1
Comments by Webmiztris
Shit. I did not know that blue mascara went out of style.
Comments by themuttprincess
I am not defending misuse of possession, but when it is used with a name or an object there is an ' so I think that confuses people. Ya know, Bill's dog versus his dog. The house's front door. But with his/her/its there isn't an apostrophe and I can see how that can be confusing to people.
Comments by Poppy
And I said confusing people twice. Because I'm smaht.
The coffee will kick in soon...
Comments by Poppy
I have been on the ground under the tires of the local drunk's car for hours now. How am I supposed to run over myself from back here?
Comments by Mist 1
so you don't hate me?
that's good.
I need a cookie
Comments by bluepaintred
Avi, if you keep bottling things up like this, you're going to have a stroke. You should learn to express your anger,like I do, in constructive ways.
I generally prefer random physical violence, inflicted upon the nearest fucktard to hand.
Comments by Tracy Lynn
Mistress Yoda, is a pussy blogger better?
Poppy, the editing function only works for five minutes.
Clown, I'm thinking it's receiving. You've done both - you tell me!
Christie, that reminds me - you need to fix your feed so I can subscribe to your blog.
Bri, I can imagine!
Dawn, they should just have "Dumbass 101" in school to teach people not to be so damn gullible!
TMP, when it's caked around your eyes like a raccoon!
Poppy, those are good points. People are still stupid.
Mist, the local drunk is always a man who is over the age of 40 and has no job. You might be the local tramp, though.
BPR, nope - I love you, especially when I stroke my peener.
Tracy, not all of us can stab people with spoons!
Comments by Avitable
Ahh..and what loins they were...warm, inviting...and smelling vaguely of bacon grease.
Comments by Mr. Fabulous
I HATE people.
Most people. Cuz most of them fall into one of those categories.
And especially hate people #1 and #3 because they listen to country music.
Comments by annie
NICELY done. I've sent the Snopes to my own mother about 100 times.
I used to work for a guy that would talk slower & louder to non-English speaking employees...and WRITE BIGGER & SLOWER when giving them directions.
Feel the love.......
Comments by Tug
Yeah, that's fine with me.
Comments by Mistress Yoda
OK so I can still wear it out of the trailer park to go to Walmart if I do not cake it on. Phew. I will work on perfecting that all weekend...
Comments by themuttprincess
bluepaintred: No, they're not. English isn't a straightforward language. :-P
With singular nouns, if you're talking about what they possess, then you'd add 's. "Jenny's house" "The cat's toy"
With plural nouns (ending in "s"), you just stick an apostrophe at the end. "The Smiths' car was stolen." "Some trees' leaves don't turn brown in the fall."
With words ending in "s" that aren't necessarily plural, you have to look at what they represent: "At the wedding, the couples' dancing resembled, in some cases, petit mal seizures."
Make sense?
ADW: If something affects something else, it causes an effect. Har har.
Comments by Bonnie
Mr. Fabulous, I knew you'd remember it fondly.
Annie, excellent point. Country music is a good sign of horrible people, too.
Tug, I had to block emails from my mother as well.
Mistress Yoda, okay, that will work!
TMP, don't forget to wear it when you shop at Aldi's, too.
Bonnie, well put.
Comments by Avitable
This seems like a very reasonable list to me. Now will you kindly GET THET FUCK OUT OF MY HEAD!!!!
Comments by Amy
Aldi's that is too damn expensive!! And too far away. Do you think they would let me wear it to Super Target? Or do they have a dress code there?
Comments by themuttprincess
This past winter I heated my apartment with my oven. But I swear it was because my heater broke. I swear.
Comments by Erica AP
Amy, I can't help it - I'm a brain vampire!
TMP, Super Target is way too fancy for your kind.
Erica, really? Really?
Comments by Avitable
Whew, that was close.
Comments by Jordie
Right... so if Target is not a French company that hates Americans, then Evian spelled backwards is not Naive and isn't bottled right here in Brooklyn from NYC tap water.
Really now. I would expect more from of all people you.
Comments by NYC Watchdog
Bossy thinks maybe Strawberry Oreos are making her friend irritable.
Comments by BOSSY
Dang it! If I wear NO blue mascara do you think the guard will let me in???
Comments by themuttprincess
Jordie, oh you're not out of the woods yet.
NYCWD, we didn't land on the moon, didja know?
Bossy, just because I might feel like I'm coming down from a huge sugar high from eating 4 boxes of Strawberry Milkshake Oreos does not mean that's the . . .
TMP, not with that tube top.
Comments by Avitable
Actually... I have a friend, who's cousin had a sister-in-law, who's stepmother went to a hairdresser, who's brother married a woman, who's niece went to summer camp with a girl, who's sister fell in love with a midget, who they used on the soundstage in Burbank California to push the little buggy around in the films.
So yeah... I totally know we never made it to the lunar surface. Otherwise we'd be kicking ass in the cheese market since that's what the moon is made of dontcha know?
Comments by NYC Watchdog
Goddamn-it! How the is a person to go shopping? The thrift store near my trailer has 86'd me because of the tube top–apparently having more of your boobs showing than is covered is unacceptable. Who knew?
Comments by themuttprincess
NYCWD, me too! We must be related!
TMP, that's what QVC is for!
Comments by Avitable
I hate trying to comment on your posts when I already commented while you were writing it.
cuz now i'm stumped for something new to add
Although #2 was new and i totally love you for that, in case you didn't know
Comments by Miss Britt
You think my kind has them thar things called credit cards. They do not allow COD anymore. Shoot.
Comments by themuttprincess
Britt, but it makes me feel loved! And you only knew about #1, not 2 or 3.
TMP, hmm . . . how about Rent to Own?
Comments by Avitable
They only have those in the ghetto.... And it brings back memories. My shrink says I need to stay away or else I get PTSD.
Comments by themuttprincess
i love Dr. Phil.
Comments by Crys!
TMP, can't have you going all psychotic on us, now. Go smoke some Virginia Slims and drink some Natural Light while you watch your Jerry.
Crystal, you love Dr. Pepper. You hate Dr. Phil!
Comments by Avitable
Thanks for the heads up. I have no idea why that didn't copy! I got it from Sandra, and reinstated it.
~S
Comments by Shephard
OH Natty light. I do not think they sell that here in Minnesota. We usually just drink Old Milwaulkee's Best. (makes me want to stay as far away from Milwaulkee as I can... nasty shit, certainly not as good as that Budweiser...)
Comments by themuttprincess
Your link works now.
When I made the last comment, I must have not seen the "want to be a cool kid" box below, and it subscribed to me. Directions on unsubscribing appreciated! Thanks!
~S
Comments by Shephard
Shephard, I'll fix it.
Comments by Avitable
I was referring to myself.
Comments by AnnieB
No shit!
But I couldn't say I hate assholes - that would be self-loathing.
Comments by Avitable
Ok ... Avi 1, Randi 1. Friends now?
Comments by AnnieB
Heh. BFF!
Comments by Avitable
Indeed! lol How about quasi-enemmies?
Comments by AnnieB
How about pseudo partners in crime who hate each other with a begrudging respect?
Comments by Avitable
Nope, I'm not any of those.
Yay!
Comments by stephanie
Sounds like a plan! I'm in.
Comments by AnnieB
My dad's family used to heat the house with the oven....thats your grandma too! tho a widow with 11 kids has somewhat of an excuse for lack of funds lol
Comments by Julianne
Au contraire... "you can never wear too much blue eyeshadow"... or mascara, in this case ; )
Comments by cat
Steph, of course not. You're an awesome, hot New York Jewish MILF.
AnnieB, we could be like the White and Black Spies from Spy Vs. Spy.
Julianne, you mean the same family that I'm from? Yeah, I figured with that many of them in one house in Massachusetts, especially with the hoodlums that are in our family, they'd be less than epicurean in their methods.
Cat, oh yeah? So you should just cake that shit on there?
Comments by Avitable