Abigail van Buren was a cocksucker
When I was a kid, I'd read the paper every Sunday, including the comics, Marilyn vos Savant, and Dear Abby. And even at the tender age of 7, I would think to myself that Abigail van Buren was someone I'd never ask for advice. First of all, the name – it sounds like an old biddy who looks condescendingly down at you over glasses that are slipping down her nose. She sounds like she has big hair and smells like Vapo-rub. She'll shake her head and click her tongue disapprovingly at everything you tell her. Why the fuck would you ask her anything?
If you're like me, you want someone you can relate to. Someone who won't judge you, no matter how sick, twisted, or perverted your question is. Well, if you're like me, you won't have anything to ask because you're omniscient, but you know what I mean.
And now is your time to reach deep into your twisted pit of a soul and come up with something on which you need advice. Whether it's fashion or shopping or market speculation or shoes or your marriage or success or even if you're just looking for that little piece that is missing from your life, the time is now to ask and be answered.
All you need to do is email "britt@miss-britt.com" with the subject line of "WWMBD?" and this goddess of wisdom and wonder will advise the fuck out of you. She'll choose the worthiest questions and answer them on her blog every Monday morning. She'll even keep your identity anonymous! Do you think you can handle it?
Posted in 
Oh yah! I'm gonna see if she can tell me how to accurately search for a lost tampon!
hee hee, she cracks me up!
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Ooooo, it's the drunken Madeline Kahn picture!!!! She's gonna kill you for that.
:woohoo:
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That's a nice picture of Miss Britt, I like that!!
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She's purty and all, but does someone from Iowa really know all that much?
I'm kidding, Britt, I'm kidding. Please don't hurt me!
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Pimp.
Love the picture.
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Abigail van Buren sounds like my grandmother but she smells more like vasoline.
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Peggy, she is an expert in many things.
Amy, it's a good picture!
Angel, yeah, me too. She looks very cute. I took that picture in my kitchen. Now go ask her for personal advice!
Mr. Fabulous, she knows enough to try to move away from there. That's good enough for me.
Heather, I'm a good pimp. I treat my hos right.
Mistress Yoda, that's better than smelling like gasoline.
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And now Van Buren's daughter is Dear Abby, and if you ask me, which people mostly don't, she is a moron.
Britt looks like she's ready to spank people in that pic.
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I always hated those old broads. Which one was it that used the same photo for 50 years? Was that Ann or Abby?
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Why would I want advice from a drunk lady who shows her boobs to everyone?
(At least I called you a lady, Britt?)
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Ahem, Avi? There may be a little problem here. See, um, I didn't exacty say I wouldn't "judge", necessarily. I mean, I'll TRY…
(thanks babe, smoochie smoochies and shit)
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Tracy, they're both morons. The original was, too. Britt's always ready to spank people.
Mist, well, they were twin sisters. It was both of them.
Poppy, because she somehow manages to do it and yet still remain classy. That takes wisdom.
UnBritt Mother, well, you can judge some. Just not as bad as Dear Abby.
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I like watching her help other people. I don't need any advice. I've got it all figured out.
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That's an excellent point.
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I'm not sure about that…
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Bossy's first question for Miss Britt: Who cuts your hair?
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I like the picture of Miss Britt. Good job.
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Britt has to be judgemental on Mondays – that way it's easier NOT to be the rest of the week and you know she's working SO hard at that. :lmao:
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I like coming to YOU for advice though.
I guess it would probably be better though for me to asking a girl about girly things.
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Poppy, good point. Especially now with all your new hair and glasses and car and stuff. You're stylin'!
Mr. Fabulous, I also have an excellent point in my pants!
Mistress Yoda, well, it's better than being lit on fire.
Bossy, it's nice hair, isn't it? I like to pull on it during . . . never mind.
Jenny, thanks. She has the soul of Madeleine Kahn, and I think this picture shows it.
Amy, well she can't be judgmental on Sundays – that's her day for abject shame.
Jordie, Britt has girly things. She's shown them to me!
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Bossy: some chic at some salon, and it hasn't been cut in a while and needs it very, very badly.
Avi, watching me change clothes is not the same as me showing you my girly things.
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Banana Britt, I'm talking about the time you went up on stage at that strip joint and did that thing with the pole. For a dollar.
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Oh. Fuck. You.
I wouldn't show you my fucking KNEE for a DOLLAR. Let alone the girly things.
That is worth at the very LEAST new shoes. And matching hand bag. And earrings. With stones. Real. stones.
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BullBritt, well, you did get a few dollar bills from all those truckers. And you were worth it!
(And your shoes and hand bag and diamonds are in the mail)
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Geez, Avi, why do you worry about ME getting MAD? Britt doesn't fuck around she goes straight for your pocketbook!! :sex014:
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Sweetie, let me let you in on a little secret. Men are GLAD to take it in the pocketbook.
Especially if it saves their nuts.
:-)
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Honey, that must be a midwest thing, all the men I know would be happy to lose their nuts and NOT have it touch their pocketbook.
Except for my husband… MAYBE.
:poke:
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Wonderful picture.
I know her answers are more real than Dear Abby.
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Yeah, I suppose.
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Can I ask her for help in finding out what I should ask for help with?
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Unless she has cement shoes in my boss' size, I'm good. dammit. Britt, you're a shoe person, DO you have cement ones for purchase? Just askin'. Doesn't hurt to ask.
**sigh**
:martini: :martini: :martini: :boobs5: :assshake:
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She is very wise… although I'm not sure about the value of you advising others to take her advice.
That may lower her stock value.
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Amy, I'd rather lose money than testicles any day.
TMP, they are, and she's very honest. She'll tell it like it is.
Mistress Yoda, only mildly so.
RW, yes, just don't ask for help on how to do that.
Tug, I'm sure you'd like some advice about how to get that gray out!
:lmao:
NYCWD, it can only increase her stock value. It's like Google supporting some porn stock.
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is she drunk in that picture? it is hot
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:pissed: THAT WAS OUR SECRET :crazywife:
hee hee…I can't even type that with a straight face. I'VE got TONS of advice, I just don't NEED any. I'm full of :shit: to share, but I'm not thinking that's Britt's whole thing – she doesn't need my help OR my shit. :boobs2: :boobs4: :woohoo:
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and there was no gray in those pictures, so yes. I'm full of cover-ups. :lmao:
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Tugbug – *I* need your help. But probably not your shit… I'll take something else, though. :boobs1:
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:3some: :sex023: Poppy, I'm here for ya' babe! :tongue1: :boobs5:
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Tug, you are so awesome. I would like a hug and a squeeze and a :martini: and a :boobs4: . :heartbeat: In return I give a
:sexytime: and a happy :sex003: and some other naughty things not represented in smiley form here…
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:boobs3: Poppy, HOLD ME……..series finale of Gilmore Girls. :crying: Guess I need some :heartbeat: :martini: :rose: :cocksuck2: :sex023: to help me through.
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You should make WWMBD bracelets for your lost church sheep! Nice pic of her. I love the Warhol thing you did to it, too.
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Aww, Tug. I'm sorry that Rory and Lorelai will no longer show up to your doorstep anymore. All the great shows are cancelled before their time…
And just for you :heartbeat: :martini: :rose: :cocksuck2: :sex023:
…plus a :hug: and a :tongue1:
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http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NS61O0HIof4
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Crys, she was not drunk. She had been drinking, but she wouldn't show me her boobs at that point. I can only assume that means she was still relatively sober.
Tug, yeah, I know. There was no gray, on your head at least.
Poppy, I fixed that comment that was caught by the filter.
Cat, ooh – WWMBD bracelets are a great idea!
RW, I wasn't really that impressed. His voice was like a drill in my head.
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Avi – :lmao: Had honestly not even THOUGHT about gray anywhere else. But since you mentioned it, I thought I should at least do a good search – & NOPE – GRAYFREE! :woohoo:
Poppy – I'm touched…wiping a tear…sleep tight my princess, sleep tight. :heartbeat: :rose: :hug: :cocksuck2: :assshake:
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Avi, thank you! That is so sweet of you to untrap me from the spam filter! :heartbeat:
Tug, I dreamed of your shaking ass. It was beautiful… :hug:
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By the way, can I still this picture and put it on a shirt, please?
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Yeah, I have a bigger version, though, so email me and remind me.
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