I admit it.

 

I'm guilty. I did it. I killed the Rev. Jerry Falwell. (Does "Rev." stand for "Revolting"?) For those of you who are oblivious, Jerry Falwell was found dead in his office. It's assumed that he had a coronary episode. However, the truth is that I snuck into his office with my ninja skills and dispatched him using a poison that has potassium chloride in it, which simulated the conditions of a myocardial infarction. Once his Holy Fuckness was dead, I saw his soul for an instant, hovering above his body, before it was sucked down in a red flash, where hopefully he'll be anally raped for all eternity by a series of gay Muslim men wearing Teletubby masks. As is my typical custom, I celebrated Falwell's death by doing a little happy dance - it's what I usually do when despicable people shuffle off the mortal coil. And since I was the one who killed him, I was especially happy! Don't believe me? Just look below for proof of my ninjosity (Click for a larger version):

Ninja Avitable


In other news, when I got my mail today, I received an awesome postcard from the one and only Mr. Fabulous. He finally took me up on my advice to try necrophilia:

Postcards from the Edge

Thanks to Crystal for the idea for today's post.


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61 comments

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  1.  

    I like the stealthy cheeseburger throwing star! Very nicely done.

    Comments by Sheila

    comment by Sheila Wednesday, May 16, 2007 @ 12:12 am

     

  2.  

    I sent a card to Jerry's mother. I'm thoughtful like that.

    Comments by Mist 1

    comment by Mist 1 Wednesday, May 16, 2007 @ 12:16 am

     

  3.  

    Thank you for killing that evangelical fucktard.

    P.S. YOU POSTED YOUR REAL ADDRESS WITH THAT POSTCARD?????

    I'm coming over to chill with you and the wife.

    Comments by Mistress

    comment by Mistress Wednesday, May 16, 2007 @ 12:46 am

     

  4.  

    I know you only posted your address here so that people might be encouraged to reward your good works by increasing your supply of B&B Room sprays.

    You are sooo devilishly clever! thumbsup

    Comments by Amy

    comment by Amy Wednesday, May 16, 2007 @ 1:08 am

     

  5.  

    I didn't like the man, but I'm not going to celebrate anyone's death. Bad Karma.

    *sprays self with Good Karma spray*

    Comments by Kentucky Girl

    comment by Kentucky Girl Wednesday, May 16, 2007 @ 1:39 am

     

  6.  

    lmao lmao lmao lmao lmao

    I don't know what's funnier... the Lube for the stealthy masturbation or the cheeseburger star throwing thingy!!! Classic!!!

    I think you should send Fab the address to the funeral home for dear old Jerry. He should get it one more time while he's on earth too.

    Comments by NYC Watchdog

    comment by NYC Watchdog Wednesday, May 16, 2007 @ 1:54 am

     

  7.  

    I love the "Ninja for Dummies" book. You posting about being a Ninja reminds me of the time that my hubby laughed his ass off at me because I told him that while he was asleep I would go commando (I meant be stealthy) and steal his hat out of the closet so I could wash it. lmao I had no idea at the time that "going commando" meant to go without panties. lmao!!

    Love the postcard, BTW!

    Comments by Angel

    comment by Angel Wednesday, May 16, 2007 @ 2:11 am

     

  8.  

    Thank goodness for lube. To help ninjas get into tight places!

    Comments by jenny

    comment by jenny Wednesday, May 16, 2007 @ 2:48 am

     

  9.  

    Woo Hoo! There ought to be a fucking world celebration that the ignorant fuck is dead! boobs3

    Oooh! Yeah...send Fab over to rape his dead body. Heh. Jerry always did love gay men.

    Comments by DeniseTN

    comment by DeniseTN Wednesday, May 16, 2007 @ 6:10 am

     

  10.  

    You ate my comment. How rude. crazywife

    Comments by DeniseTN

    comment by DeniseTN Wednesday, May 16, 2007 @ 6:11 am

     

  11.  

    Gosh, thanks for showing everyone how awful my handwriting is.

    On the flip side, a sincere thank you for killing off that SOB. I haven't seen Mrs. Fab this happy since she found out how big your penis was.

    Comments by Mr. Fabulous

    comment by Mr. Fabulous Wednesday, May 16, 2007 @ 6:24 am

     

  12.  

    Ninja foot bath. Because even ninjas have sensitive feet. And I love the ninja stabby thing. Is that the technical term for it?

    Comments by heather

    comment by heather Wednesday, May 16, 2007 @ 6:31 am

     

  13.  

    Sheila, it allows you to nosh and kill at the same time.

    Mist1, Jerry Seinfeld?

    Mistress, my real address is all over the web if you Google it. You can come hang out anytime.

    Amy, why do you have to ruin my nefarious plans? People, don't listen to her - feel free to send me cool shit!

    KG, you've got enough bad karma anyways, since you're a Republitard.

    NYCWD, good plan! I liked the Ninja Diploma, which had an exclamation point on the actual diploma.

    Angel, you can simultaneously go commando and ninjify, but they are indeed two very different terms.

    Jenny, exactly! Ninja lube is essential to any successful ninja operation.

    Denise, I rescued your comment. And I'm sure Fab would love that hunka hunka Falwell meat.

    Mr. Fab, anything I can do for the betterment of humanity.

    Heather, it is a direct translation from the Japanese.

    Comments by Avitable

    comment by Avitable Wednesday, May 16, 2007 @ 7:36 am

     

  14.  

    I can't believe you didn't credit your source on the ninjaness! Maybe she doesn't need to be credited, but I hope you at least asked her. But, thank you for killing the old bastard. That was really sweet! You're just super sweet lately!

    All the womens seem to be getting horse cum-inspired postcards. I'm definitely running to the mailbox every night to get the mail. And I'm seriously considering a PO Box for future blogger correspondence...

    Comments by Poppy

    comment by Poppy Wednesday, May 16, 2007 @ 7:50 am

     

  15.  

    The mailman MUST've turned over the card and read it... I would have loved to see his face whan that happened...

    clap

    Comments by DutchBitch

    comment by DutchBitch Wednesday, May 16, 2007 @ 8:09 am

     

  16.  

    I've never seen that diploma on your wall. I'm not sure if I believe any of your ninja story. Don't lie on the internets.

    Comments by Clown

    comment by Clown Wednesday, May 16, 2007 @ 8:38 am

     

  17.  

    Clown, you just made me laugh so hard I drooled. I'm not sure if I should see a doctor now.

    Comments by Poppy

    comment by Poppy Wednesday, May 16, 2007 @ 9:06 am

     

  18.  

    I'm with KG. I didn't celebrate Saddam's death, I'm not going to celebrate this one.

    Bad juju. And I need good juju right now.

    (but I was supremely amused by the ninja "stabby thing" as well as the lube for stealthy masturbation. which reminds me, I've got another present on the way for you that will make at least one of us laugh our ass off. angel )

    Comments by Miss Britt

    comment by Miss Britt Wednesday, May 16, 2007 @ 9:16 am

     

  19.  

    You look adorable in your Ninga Onesie. Aren't all your masturbation sessions stealth?

    Comments by Dragon

    comment by Dragon Wednesday, May 16, 2007 @ 9:23 am

     

  20.  

    I believed you until I saw his soul for an instant, hovering above his body. He didn't have a soul.

    assshake

    I'll post my Fab post card tomorrow - wouldn't it be funny if one of the postman had requested his own & KNEW of the whole Fab thing?

    Comments by Tug

    comment by Tug Wednesday, May 16, 2007 @ 9:30 am

     

  21.  

    Poppy, I added the credit. I meant to when I wrote it last night, but it was late. I hope you plan on scanning your postcard for your blog.

    DB, he probably fainted. He's a mousy little man.

    Clown, the diploma is also a ninja and is schooled in the ways of stealthinessosity.

    Britt Fudge Sundae, you're sending me a present?? I'm simultaneously excited and concerned.

    Dragon, some of them are covert operations.

    Tug, well, he had one - he just sold it a long time ago.

    Comments by Avitable

    comment by Avitable Wednesday, May 16, 2007 @ 9:33 am

     

  22.  

    OK now i am super excited to get my card from Fab!

    and you know what you should be excited about avi?

    this new computer, the husband did something to it, because no matter where I type it yells at me if i make a spelling mistake!

    Comments by buepaintred

    comment by buepaintred Wednesday, May 16, 2007 @ 9:38 am

     

  23.  

    That's what you get for always being a day early! Incomplete passes. P

    Scanning is so 1990s. I will be using my digital camera to take images of the postcard then will upload those to the blog. At least that is a 2000s thing to do. That's assuming Hay doesn't confiscate the postcard and tear it up into little pieces and throw them in the air like confetti while he pounds his fists on the ground and cries, "why, Poppy, WHY?!?!??!" I think I have an overactive imagination.

    Comments by Poppy

    comment by Poppy Wednesday, May 16, 2007 @ 9:39 am

     

  24.  

    I appreciate it, it's about time someone got rid of him.

    Comments by Mistress Yoda

    comment by Mistress Yoda Wednesday, May 16, 2007 @ 9:51 am

     

  25.  

    I don't want to celebrate his death either, ah fuck it the guy said 9/11 was caused by abortionists and the ACLU and that the Virgina Tech Shootings were a message from God.

    Know what? This is a message from God. Oh wait I don't believe in God.

    Comments by Carolyn Jeffries

    comment by Carolyn Jeffries Wednesday, May 16, 2007 @ 9:53 am

     

  26.  

    BPR, now I only have to worry about homonyms. Good for Jittery Joe, though!

    Poppy, scanning still gets a better picture than a digital camera.

    Mistress Yoda, I know. I was paid well.

    Carolyn, haven't seen you around in a while. He was an evil, evil bastard.

    Comments by Avitable

    comment by Avitable Wednesday, May 16, 2007 @ 10:04 am

     

  27.  

    waste of cheezburger!

    Comments by liquid

    comment by liquid Wednesday, May 16, 2007 @ 10:22 am

     

  28.  

    i can has?

    Comments by Clown

    comment by Clown Wednesday, May 16, 2007 @ 10:26 am

     

  29.  

    Am I going for the glossy cover of a magazine here? (The answer is actually no, not yes.) IF by chance he taped a naked picture of himself to the back of the postcard then I promise to scan it in with the highest quality color scanner my work provides. :)

    Comments by Poppy

    comment by Poppy Wednesday, May 16, 2007 @ 10:28 am

     

  30.  

    clown: no.. and we'll be taking
    that bukket too.

    Comments by liquid

    comment by liquid Wednesday, May 16, 2007 @ 10:31 am

     

  31.  

    About damn time you knocked that fucker off. What took you so long?

    Comments by Tracy Lynn

    comment by Tracy Lynn Wednesday, May 16, 2007 @ 10:44 am

     

  32.  

    ninja manties...lol!

    what makes ninja manties different than regular manties anyway? nice drawing, avi.

    and mr. fab's postcard is HILARIOUS! I bet your mail carrier shit his pants when he saw that one!

    Comments by Webmiztris

    comment by Webmiztris Wednesday, May 16, 2007 @ 10:51 am

     

  33.  

    I agree with Dragon. Your ninja onesie is adorable.

    Comments by heather

    comment by heather Wednesday, May 16, 2007 @ 11:08 am

     

  34.  

    Thank you for being such a cool ninja and taking out Rev Fallwell.

    Also,

    I think I pissed myself reading Fab's Postcard!!

    Comments by themuttprincess

    comment by themuttprincess Wednesday, May 16, 2007 @ 11:39 am

     

  35.  

    I came here because I was called stupid for not visiting your site (I am easily manipulated) and the first thing I see is you taking credit for something I did. That's just wrong.

    Comments by Nessa

    comment by Nessa Wednesday, May 16, 2007 @ 12:06 pm

     

  36.  

    i is not amused

    Comments by Clown

    comment by Clown Wednesday, May 16, 2007 @ 12:23 pm

     

  37.  

    lolcatz r laughing at you

    Comments by Poppy

    comment by Poppy Wednesday, May 16, 2007 @ 12:25 pm

     

  38.  

    Love, love, love the site.

    Come check out Rantasaurus, maybe write us a rant or two. It's never a bad day if you can RANT, and I think you'd have some very nice things to say.

    boobs5 boobs5 boobs5 boobs5

    RantasaurusRex.com

    Comments by Rantasaurus

    comment by Rantasaurus Wednesday, May 16, 2007 @ 12:35 pm

     

  39.  

    Ah, so THAT'S why you wanted to borrow my ninja stabby thingy!

    When will you be "visiting" Pat Robertson?

    Comments by Dave2

    comment by Dave2 Wednesday, May 16, 2007 @ 12:36 pm

     

  40.  

    [...] you've got to check out some of the others. Avitable Michael Janna Be sure and put down whatever liquid you may be consuming before reading any these!! [...]

    Comments by Suthern's Place » Blog Archive » I asked for it...

    pingback from Suthern's Place » Blog Archive » I asked for it... Wednesday, May 16, 2007 @ 12:57 pm

     

  41.  

    you make one sexy ninja, my brother

    assshake

    Comments by Crys

    comment by Crys Wednesday, May 16, 2007 @ 1:45 pm

     

  42.  

    Your ninja skills are far better than mine. I can only kick high and say, "hi-yah!!!"

    Comments by Erica AP

    comment by Erica AP Wednesday, May 16, 2007 @ 1:52 pm

     

  43.  

    Well I don't think that's right at all. I think I believe in a more progressive view of fancy tickling...

    Comments by Rantasaurus

    comment by Rantasaurus Wednesday, May 16, 2007 @ 1:54 pm

     

  44.  

    Liquid, no waste. I can eat and kill with deadly efficiency.

    Clown, do not want!

    Poppy, taking photos of things that can be scanned goes against the natural order of things.

    Tracy, I had to get paid.

    Dawn, duh. Ninja manties are stealthy!

    Heather, it would look better crumpled up in a ball next to your bed!

    TMP, yeah, it was a good one. Not as obscene as I expected, though.

    Nessa, thanks for the visit. And I get ninja dibs on his death. Sorry!

    Rantasaurus, I would rant about random people whoring themselves in my comments if I were going to rant about something.

    Dave, as soon as your check clears, Pat Robertson is outta here.

    Crystal, better be careful. I might ninjify you.

    Erica AP, ninjas don't shout. They kill with silence. Well, silence and sharp stabby things.

    Rantasaurus, I don't follow. Did you comment on the wrong post?

    Comments by Avitable

    comment by Avitable Wednesday, May 16, 2007 @ 2:39 pm

     

  45.  

    I can take better pictures of my ass than I can scan of my ass. ... However that English works out, the product is better from my camera. DISagree with you.

    Comments by Poppy

    comment by Poppy Wednesday, May 16, 2007 @ 2:54 pm

     

  46.  

    weather whether

    I have issues with those two (to too) the most!. lmao

    Comments by buepaintred

    comment by buepaintred Wednesday, May 16, 2007 @ 3:56 pm

     

  47.  

    Wait, I thought I killed that fat bastard! You can only take credit for sloppy seconds homie!

    Comments by Paz y Amor

    comment by Paz y Amor Wednesday, May 16, 2007 @ 4:30 pm

     

  48.  

    I absolutely love the ninja manties!!
    Stealthy indeed!!

    Comments by Kellie

    comment by Kellie Wednesday, May 16, 2007 @ 4:36 pm

     

  49.  

    Naturally, it was not as obscene as you would want either.

    Comments by themuttprincess

    comment by themuttprincess Wednesday, May 16, 2007 @ 4:37 pm

     

  50.  

    Poppy, you can't take better pictures of a postcard than you can by scanning it. I'm right. It's okay to admit it.

    BPR, and your and you're and their and they're and there and about a hundred other ones, too, I'm sure.

    Paz, yeah, somebody already tried that one, homie. Thanks for playing.

    Kellie, stealthy clothes are all the rage in Ninjaton.

    TMP, exactly! I expected much worse. But then again, I am desensitized.

    Comments by Avitable

    comment by Avitable Wednesday, May 16, 2007 @ 4:49 pm

     

  51.  

    http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xq12YoN-nKA

    Hey Ninja Avi, I saw your interview this morning. thumbsup

    Comments by jenny

    comment by jenny Wednesday, May 16, 2007 @ 4:53 pm

     

  52.  

    Don't I always turn to the dark Avi side eventually? /heavy breathing

    P

    Comments by Poppy

    comment by Poppy Wednesday, May 16, 2007 @ 4:56 pm

     

  53.  

    "Heather, it would look better crumpled up in a ball next to your bed!"

    boobs5

    Comments by heather

    comment by heather Wednesday, May 16, 2007 @ 5:01 pm

     

  54.  

    Jenny, yes, I am very famous ninja.

    Poppy, yes, come to the dark Avi side.

    Heather, jerkoff2

    Comments by Avitable

    comment by Avitable Wednesday, May 16, 2007 @ 10:08 pm

     

  55.  

    I'm lazy, I have been reading but you know typing involves effort.

    Comments by Carolyn Jeffries

    comment by Carolyn Jeffries Wednesday, May 16, 2007 @ 10:20 pm

     

  56.  

    When I run out of KY I need some of that Ninja lube.

    These Mr. Fab postcards are a lot better than the Postsecret site.

    Comments by Michael

    comment by Michael Wednesday, May 16, 2007 @ 11:23 pm

     

  57.  

    LOL. So wrong! ; )

    Comments by cat

    comment by cat Sunday, May 20, 2007 @ 5:04 am

     

  58.  

    Carolyn, that's true. When I'm really lazy, I just type with my penis.

    Michael, I think he should start his own Postsecret site with these postcards.

    Cat, or is it oh so right? boobs3

    Comments by Avitable

    comment by Avitable Sunday, May 20, 2007 @ 7:53 am

     

  59.  

    I knewed it was you, you crim'nal! As an interesting aside, Jerry Falwell almost ran over me in 1990. It's a tidbit on my 'About Me' page...sorry to say one of the most exciting ones.

    Comments by Rhys

    comment by Rhys Tuesday, May 22, 2007 @ 12:56 am

     

  60.  

    I can't believe that postcard wasn't marked for possible terrorism or some stupid shit by the USPS. Nice job, Fab!

    Comments by Vulgar Wizard

    comment by Vulgar Wizard Sunday, May 27, 2007 @ 3:48 pm

     

  61.  

    [...] the mail (see behind the fold for postcards), one each from Heather and Vulgar Wizard. These two, along with the one from Mr. Fabulous, have inspired me to do two different things. The first thing is completely a secret for now. The [...]

    Comments by Avitable » Postcards, meet edge.

    pingback from Avitable » Postcards, meet edge. Friday, June 8, 2007 @ 12:12 am

     

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