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I admit it.

I’m guilty. I did it. I killed the Rev. Jerry Falwell. (Does “Rev.” stand for “Revolting”?) For those of you who are oblivious, Jerry Falwell was found dead in his office. It’s assumed that he had a coronary episode. However, the truth is that I snuck into his office with my ninja skills and dispatched him using a poison that has potassium chloride in it, which simulated the conditions of a myocardial infarction. Once his Holy Fuckness was dead, I saw his soul for an instant, hovering above his body, before it was sucked down in a red flash, where hopefully he’ll be anally raped for all eternity by a series of gay Muslim men wearing Teletubby masks. As is my typical custom, I celebrated Falwell’s death by doing a little happy dance – it’s what I usually do when despicable people shuffle off the mortal coil. And since I was the one who killed him, I was especially happy! Don’t believe me? Just look below for proof of my ninjosity (Click for a larger version):

Ninja Avitable

In other news, when I got my mail today, I received an awesome postcard from the one and only Mr. Fabulous. He finally took me up on my advice to try necrophilia:

Postcards from the Edge

Thanks to Crystal for the idea for today’s post.

61 thoughts on “I admit it.”

  1. I know you only posted your address here so that people might be encouraged to reward your good works by increasing your supply of B&B Room sprays.

    You are sooo devilishly clever! :thumbsup:

  2. :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao: :lmao:

    I don’t know what’s funnier… the Lube for the stealthy masturbation or the cheeseburger star throwing thingy!!! Classic!!!

    I think you should send Fab the address to the funeral home for dear old Jerry. He should get it one more time while he’s on earth too.

  3. I love the “Ninja for Dummies” book. You posting about being a Ninja reminds me of the time that my hubby laughed his ass off at me because I told him that while he was asleep I would go commando (I meant be stealthy) and steal his hat out of the closet so I could wash it. :lmao: I had no idea at the time that “going commando” meant to go without panties. lmao!!

    Love the postcard, BTW!

  4. Gosh, thanks for showing everyone how awful my handwriting is.

    On the flip side, a sincere thank you for killing off that SOB. I haven’t seen Mrs. Fab this happy since she found out how big your penis was.

  5. Sheila, it allows you to nosh and kill at the same time.

    Mist1, Jerry Seinfeld?

    Mistress, my real address is all over the web if you Google it. You can come hang out anytime.

    Amy, why do you have to ruin my nefarious plans? People, don’t listen to her – feel free to send me cool shit!

    KG, you’ve got enough bad karma anyways, since you’re a Republitard.

    NYCWD, good plan! I liked the Ninja Diploma, which had an exclamation point on the actual diploma.

    Angel, you can simultaneously go commando and ninjify, but they are indeed two very different terms.

    Jenny, exactly! Ninja lube is essential to any successful ninja operation.

    Denise, I rescued your comment. And I’m sure Fab would love that hunka hunka Falwell meat.

    Mr. Fab, anything I can do for the betterment of humanity.

    Heather, it is a direct translation from the Japanese.

  6. I can’t believe you didn’t credit your source on the ninjaness! Maybe she doesn’t need to be credited, but I hope you at least asked her. But, thank you for killing the old bastard. That was really sweet! You’re just super sweet lately!

    All the womens seem to be getting horse cum-inspired postcards. I’m definitely running to the mailbox every night to get the mail. And I’m seriously considering a PO Box for future blogger correspondence…

  7. I’m with KG. I didn’t celebrate Saddam’s death, I’m not going to celebrate this one.

    Bad juju. And I need good juju right now.

    (but I was supremely amused by the ninja “stabby thing” as well as the lube for stealthy masturbation. which reminds me, I’ve got another present on the way for you that will make at least one of us laugh our ass off. :angel: )

  8. I believed you until I saw his soul for an instant, hovering above his body. He didn’t have a soul.


    I’ll post my Fab post card tomorrow – wouldn’t it be funny if one of the postman had requested his own & KNEW of the whole Fab thing?

  9. Poppy, I added the credit. I meant to when I wrote it last night, but it was late. I hope you plan on scanning your postcard for your blog.

    DB, he probably fainted. He’s a mousy little man.

    Clown, the diploma is also a ninja and is schooled in the ways of stealthinessosity.

    Britt Fudge Sundae, you’re sending me a present?? I’m simultaneously excited and concerned.

    Dragon, some of them are covert operations.

    Tug, well, he had one – he just sold it a long time ago.

  10. OK now i am super excited to get my card from Fab!

    and you know what you should be excited about avi?

    this new computer, the husband did something to it, because no matter where I type it yells at me if i make a spelling mistake!

  11. That’s what you get for always being a day early! Incomplete passes. ๐Ÿ˜›

    Scanning is so 1990s. I will be using my digital camera to take images of the postcard then will upload those to the blog. At least that is a 2000s thing to do. That’s assuming Hay doesn’t confiscate the postcard and tear it up into little pieces and throw them in the air like confetti while he pounds his fists on the ground and cries, “why, Poppy, WHY?!?!??!” I think I have an overactive imagination.

  12. I don’t want to celebrate his death either, ah fuck it the guy said 9/11 was caused by abortionists and the ACLU and that the Virgina Tech Shootings were a message from God.

    Know what? This is a message from God. Oh wait I don’t believe in God.

  13. BPR, now I only have to worry about homonyms. Good for Jittery Joe, though!

    Poppy, scanning still gets a better picture than a digital camera.

    Mistress Yoda, I know. I was paid well.

    Carolyn, haven’t seen you around in a while. He was an evil, evil bastard.

  14. Am I going for the glossy cover of a magazine here? (The answer is actually no, not yes.) IF by chance he taped a naked picture of himself to the back of the postcard then I promise to scan it in with the highest quality color scanner my work provides. ๐Ÿ™‚

  15. ninja manties…lol!

    what makes ninja manties different than regular manties anyway? nice drawing, avi.

    and mr. fab’s postcard is HILARIOUS! I bet your mail carrier shit his pants when he saw that one!

  16. I came here because I was called stupid for not visiting your site (I am easily manipulated) and the first thing I see is you taking credit for something I did. That’s just wrong.

  17. Liquid, no waste. I can eat and kill with deadly efficiency.

    Clown, do not want!

    Poppy, taking photos of things that can be scanned goes against the natural order of things.

    Tracy, I had to get paid.

    Dawn, duh. Ninja manties are stealthy!

    Heather, it would look better crumpled up in a ball next to your bed!

    TMP, yeah, it was a good one. Not as obscene as I expected, though.

    Nessa, thanks for the visit. And I get ninja dibs on his death. Sorry!

    Rantasaurus, I would rant about random people whoring themselves in my comments if I were going to rant about something.

    Dave, as soon as your check clears, Pat Robertson is outta here.

    Crystal, better be careful. I might ninjify you.

    Erica AP, ninjas don’t shout. They kill with silence. Well, silence and sharp stabby things.

    Rantasaurus, I don’t follow. Did you comment on the wrong post?

  18. Poppy, you can’t take better pictures of a postcard than you can by scanning it. I’m right. It’s okay to admit it.

    BPR, and your and you’re and their and they’re and there and about a hundred other ones, too, I’m sure.

    Paz, yeah, somebody already tried that one, homie. Thanks for playing.

    Kellie, stealthy clothes are all the rage in Ninjaton.

    TMP, exactly! I expected much worse. But then again, I am desensitized.

  19. Carolyn, that’s true. When I’m really lazy, I just type with my penis.

    Michael, I think he should start his own Postsecret site with these postcards.

    Cat, or is it oh so right? :boobs3:

  20. I knewed it was you, you crim’nal! As an interesting aside, Jerry Falwell almost ran over me in 1990. It’s a tidbit on my ‘About Me’ page…sorry to say one of the most exciting ones.

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