I'm guilty. I did it. I killed the Rev. Jerry Falwell. (Does "Rev." stand for "Revolting"?) For those of you who are oblivious, Jerry Falwell was found dead in his office. It's assumed that he had a coronary episode. However, the truth is that I snuck into his office with my ninja skills and dispatched him using a poison that has potassium chloride in it, which simulated the conditions of a myocardial infarction. Once his Holy Fuckness was dead, I saw his soul for an instant, hovering above his body, before it was sucked down in a red flash, where hopefully he'll be anally raped for all eternity by a series of gay Muslim men wearing Teletubby masks. As is my typical custom, I celebrated Falwell's death by doing a little happy dance - it's what I usually do when despicable people shuffle off the mortal coil. And since I was the one who killed him, I was especially happy! Don't believe me? Just look below for proof of my ninjosity (Click for a larger version):
In other news, when I got my mail today, I received an awesome postcard from the one and only Mr. Fabulous. He finally took me up on my advice to try necrophilia:
Thanks to Crystal for the idea for today's post.
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I like the stealthy cheeseburger throwing star! Very nicely done.
Comments by Sheila
I sent a card to Jerry's mother. I'm thoughtful like that.
Comments by Mist 1
Thank you for killing that evangelical fucktard.
P.S. YOU POSTED YOUR REAL ADDRESS WITH THAT POSTCARD?????
I'm coming over to chill with you and the wife.
Comments by Mistress
I know you only posted your address here so that people might be encouraged to reward your good works by increasing your supply of B&B Room sprays.
You are sooo devilishly clever!
Comments by Amy
I didn't like the man, but I'm not going to celebrate anyone's death. Bad Karma.
*sprays self with Good Karma spray*
Comments by Kentucky Girl
I don't know what's funnier... the Lube for the stealthy masturbation or the cheeseburger star throwing thingy!!! Classic!!!
I think you should send Fab the address to the funeral home for dear old Jerry. He should get it one more time while he's on earth too.
Comments by NYC Watchdog
I love the "Ninja for Dummies" book. You posting about being a Ninja reminds me of the time that my hubby laughed his ass off at me because I told him that while he was asleep I would go commando (I meant be stealthy) and steal his hat out of the closet so I could wash it.
I had no idea at the time that "going commando" meant to go without panties. lmao!!
Love the postcard, BTW!
Comments by Angel
Thank goodness for lube. To help ninjas get into tight places!
Comments by jenny
Woo Hoo! There ought to be a fucking world celebration that the ignorant fuck is dead!
Oooh! Yeah...send Fab over to rape his dead body. Heh. Jerry always did love gay men.
Comments by DeniseTN
You ate my comment. How rude.
Comments by DeniseTN
Gosh, thanks for showing everyone how awful my handwriting is.
On the flip side, a sincere thank you for killing off that SOB. I haven't seen Mrs. Fab this happy since she found out how big your penis was.
Comments by Mr. Fabulous
Ninja foot bath. Because even ninjas have sensitive feet. And I love the ninja stabby thing. Is that the technical term for it?
Comments by heather
Sheila, it allows you to nosh and kill at the same time.
Mist1, Jerry Seinfeld?
Mistress, my real address is all over the web if you Google it. You can come hang out anytime.
Amy, why do you have to ruin my nefarious plans? People, don't listen to her - feel free to send me cool shit!
KG, you've got enough bad karma anyways, since you're a Republitard.
NYCWD, good plan! I liked the Ninja Diploma, which had an exclamation point on the actual diploma.
Angel, you can simultaneously go commando and ninjify, but they are indeed two very different terms.
Jenny, exactly! Ninja lube is essential to any successful ninja operation.
Denise, I rescued your comment. And I'm sure Fab would love that hunka hunka Falwell meat.
Mr. Fab, anything I can do for the betterment of humanity.
Heather, it is a direct translation from the Japanese.
Comments by Avitable
I can't believe you didn't credit your source on the ninjaness! Maybe she doesn't need to be credited, but I hope you at least asked her. But, thank you for killing the old bastard. That was really sweet! You're just super sweet lately!
All the womens seem to be getting horse cum-inspired postcards. I'm definitely running to the mailbox every night to get the mail. And I'm seriously considering a PO Box for future blogger correspondence...
Comments by Poppy
The mailman MUST've turned over the card and read it... I would have loved to see his face whan that happened...
Comments by DutchBitch
I've never seen that diploma on your wall. I'm not sure if I believe any of your ninja story. Don't lie on the internets.
Comments by Clown
Clown, you just made me laugh so hard I drooled. I'm not sure if I should see a doctor now.
Comments by Poppy
I'm with KG. I didn't celebrate Saddam's death, I'm not going to celebrate this one.
Bad juju. And I need good juju right now.
(but I was supremely amused by the ninja "stabby thing" as well as the lube for stealthy masturbation. which reminds me, I've got another present on the way for you that will make at least one of us laugh our ass off.
)
Comments by Miss Britt
You look adorable in your Ninga Onesie. Aren't all your masturbation sessions stealth?
Comments by Dragon
I believed you until I saw his soul for an instant, hovering above his body. He didn't have a soul.
I'll post my Fab post card tomorrow - wouldn't it be funny if one of the postman had requested his own & KNEW of the whole Fab thing?
Comments by Tug
Poppy, I added the credit. I meant to when I wrote it last night, but it was late. I hope you plan on scanning your postcard for your blog.
DB, he probably fainted. He's a mousy little man.
Clown, the diploma is also a ninja and is schooled in the ways of stealthinessosity.
Britt Fudge Sundae, you're sending me a present?? I'm simultaneously excited and concerned.
Dragon, some of them are covert operations.
Tug, well, he had one - he just sold it a long time ago.
Comments by Avitable
OK now i am super excited to get my card from Fab!
and you know what you should be excited about avi?
this new computer, the husband did something to it, because no matter where I type it yells at me if i make a spelling mistake!
Comments by buepaintred
That's what you get for always being a day early! Incomplete passes.
Scanning is so 1990s. I will be using my digital camera to take images of the postcard then will upload those to the blog. At least that is a 2000s thing to do. That's assuming Hay doesn't confiscate the postcard and tear it up into little pieces and throw them in the air like confetti while he pounds his fists on the ground and cries, "why, Poppy, WHY?!?!??!" I think I have an overactive imagination.
Comments by Poppy
I appreciate it, it's about time someone got rid of him.
Comments by Mistress Yoda
I don't want to celebrate his death either, ah fuck it the guy said 9/11 was caused by abortionists and the ACLU and that the Virgina Tech Shootings were a message from God.
Know what? This is a message from God. Oh wait I don't believe in God.
Comments by Carolyn Jeffries
BPR, now I only have to worry about homonyms. Good for Jittery Joe, though!
Poppy, scanning still gets a better picture than a digital camera.
Mistress Yoda, I know. I was paid well.
Carolyn, haven't seen you around in a while. He was an evil, evil bastard.
Comments by Avitable
waste of cheezburger!
Comments by liquid
i can has?
Comments by Clown
Am I going for the glossy cover of a magazine here? (The answer is actually no, not yes.) IF by chance he taped a naked picture of himself to the back of the postcard then I promise to scan it in with the highest quality color scanner my work provides. :)
Comments by Poppy
clown: no.. and we'll be taking
that bukket too.
Comments by liquid
About damn time you knocked that fucker off. What took you so long?
Comments by Tracy Lynn
ninja manties...lol!
what makes ninja manties different than regular manties anyway? nice drawing, avi.
and mr. fab's postcard is HILARIOUS! I bet your mail carrier shit his pants when he saw that one!
Comments by Webmiztris
I agree with Dragon. Your ninja onesie is adorable.
Comments by heather
Thank you for being such a cool ninja and taking out Rev Fallwell.
Also,
I think I pissed myself reading Fab's Postcard!!
Comments by themuttprincess
I came here because I was called stupid for not visiting your site (I am easily manipulated) and the first thing I see is you taking credit for something I did. That's just wrong.
Comments by Nessa
i is not amused
Comments by Clown
lolcatz r laughing at you
Comments by Poppy
Love, love, love the site.
Come check out Rantasaurus, maybe write us a rant or two. It's never a bad day if you can RANT, and I think you'd have some very nice things to say.
RantasaurusRex.com
Comments by Rantasaurus
Ah, so THAT'S why you wanted to borrow my ninja stabby thingy!
When will you be "visiting" Pat Robertson?
Comments by Dave2
[...] you've got to check out some of the others. Avitable Michael Janna Be sure and put down whatever liquid you may be consuming before reading any these!! [...]
Comments by Suthern's Place » Blog Archive » I asked for it...
you make one sexy ninja, my brother
Comments by Crys
Your ninja skills are far better than mine. I can only kick high and say, "hi-yah!!!"
Comments by Erica AP
Well I don't think that's right at all. I think I believe in a more progressive view of fancy tickling...
Comments by Rantasaurus
Liquid, no waste. I can eat and kill with deadly efficiency.
Clown, do not want!
Poppy, taking photos of things that can be scanned goes against the natural order of things.
Tracy, I had to get paid.
Dawn, duh. Ninja manties are stealthy!
Heather, it would look better crumpled up in a ball next to your bed!
TMP, yeah, it was a good one. Not as obscene as I expected, though.
Nessa, thanks for the visit. And I get ninja dibs on his death. Sorry!
Rantasaurus, I would rant about random people whoring themselves in my comments if I were going to rant about something.
Dave, as soon as your check clears, Pat Robertson is outta here.
Crystal, better be careful. I might ninjify you.
Erica AP, ninjas don't shout. They kill with silence. Well, silence and sharp stabby things.
Rantasaurus, I don't follow. Did you comment on the wrong post?
Comments by Avitable
I can take better pictures of my ass than I can scan of my ass. ... However that English works out, the product is better from my camera. DISagree with you.
Comments by Poppy
weather whether
I have issues with those two (to too) the most!. lmao
Comments by buepaintred
Wait, I thought I killed that fat bastard! You can only take credit for sloppy seconds homie!
Comments by Paz y Amor
I absolutely love the ninja manties!!
Stealthy indeed!!
Comments by Kellie
Naturally, it was not as obscene as you would want either.
Comments by themuttprincess
Poppy, you can't take better pictures of a postcard than you can by scanning it. I'm right. It's okay to admit it.
BPR, and your and you're and their and they're and there and about a hundred other ones, too, I'm sure.
Paz, yeah, somebody already tried that one, homie. Thanks for playing.
Kellie, stealthy clothes are all the rage in Ninjaton.
TMP, exactly! I expected much worse. But then again, I am desensitized.
Comments by Avitable
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=xq12YoN-nKA
Hey Ninja Avi, I saw your interview this morning.
Comments by jenny
Don't I always turn to the dark Avi side eventually? /heavy breathing
Comments by Poppy
"Heather, it would look better crumpled up in a ball next to your bed!"
Comments by heather
Jenny, yes, I am very famous ninja.
Poppy, yes, come to the dark Avi side.
Heather,
Comments by Avitable
I'm lazy, I have been reading but you know typing involves effort.
Comments by Carolyn Jeffries
When I run out of KY I need some of that Ninja lube.
These Mr. Fab postcards are a lot better than the Postsecret site.
Comments by Michael
LOL. So wrong! ; )
Comments by cat
Carolyn, that's true. When I'm really lazy, I just type with my penis.
Michael, I think he should start his own Postsecret site with these postcards.
Cat, or is it oh so right?
Comments by Avitable
I knewed it was you, you crim'nal! As an interesting aside, Jerry Falwell almost ran over me in 1990. It's a tidbit on my 'About Me' page...sorry to say one of the most exciting ones.
Comments by Rhys
I can't believe that postcard wasn't marked for possible terrorism or some stupid shit by the USPS. Nice job, Fab!
Comments by Vulgar Wizard
[...] the mail (see behind the fold for postcards), one each from Heather and Vulgar Wizard. These two, along with the one from Mr. Fabulous, have inspired me to do two different things. The first thing is completely a secret for now. The [...]
Comments by Avitable » Postcards, meet edge.