On my old blog, my profile stated simply: "I love my friends and family dearly and hate everyone else tremendously." I really can't sum up my philosophy on life any better than that. If I know you and you are a friend, I will help you and support you and be there for you. If I don't know you, or if I know you and dislike you, I just don't care. You can live, you can die, you can get horribly disfigured - whatever. This is one reason that I don't contribute to charity. I'd rather provide charity to people that I know deserve it and that I have personally determined are worth my time and effort and money. I'm not going to waste it on some anonymous person. This also explains why I have to be convinced to vote. I'm an upper class straight white male - I have nothing to worry about no matter who's in office. Why waste the energy on something that will never benefit or affect me? Now before you protest that this doesn't make sense or that I'm crazy, think about it. Are people you don't even know really worth your blood, sweat and tears?
Now, this weekend, I came across someone who just confirmed for me that my apathy tinged with disgust towards the random stranger is in fact a good idea. Allow me to elucidate:
I was driving over to a friend's house in my usual manner, which means going about 20 mph faster than the other cars, skipping through lanes and around cars like it's a chessboard, and just driving like an aggressive driver does. At one point, I hit one of those horrible slowdowns where each car across all three lanes is side by side, all going exactly the speed limit or slower. Usually, I just go around them in the median or the right-hand turn lane, but these lanes were blocked, so I had to bide my time until one of them inched ahead of the others.
The vehicle I was stuck behind was a big redneck's truck, with a sticker of Calvin peeing on something, a "W" sticker, something about killing all ragheads, and another sticker professing the driver's desire to be fishing rather than driving. In the back of the truck were three boys/men - all probably between 16-30, haircuts ranging from buzzcuts to mullets, some with baseball caps, and all of them with those pinched, mean faces and beady little redneck eyes. They were already in the category of "Boy I wish their car would spontaneously combust so that these morons can't procreate", but then it got worse. By cutting off the geriatric bluehair in the lane next to me, who had started to slow down to a painful crawl, I was able to get around the three lane blockers and ended up in front of the truck at the next light.
Looking in my rearview mirror, I see a pigheaded little man behind the wheel. He just looks like someone that would smell like BO, spit tobacco continuously, and make you want to wash your hands every time you got within ten feet of him. I was feeling dirty just driving in front of him! And while I thought it couldn't get any worse, I watch this reprobate stick his index finger into his nose all the way up to the knuckle. Now, at first, I was generous in my forgiveness. People pick their noses sometimes - it's just a nasty habit, but nothing too terrible, right? Wrong. I continued to watch in abject horror as he plonked his finger out of his nostril, inspected the prize glistening on the end of his dirty, grimy finger, and then . . .
And then wiped it on his upper lip! I almost slammed my own head into the horn when I saw him do that. If you're going to eat it, eat it. If you're going to flick it, flick it. But don't save it for later by wiping it on your upper lip! What the holy fuck is that about?
And then he did it again. And again. And a fourth time. I looked anxiously as the light mocked me, staying red. My stomach was churning, and I was a hair away from projectile vomiting. And right before I reach my limit of nasal prospecting and lip smearing, the light turned green. I breathed a sigh of relief and drove off, with a final glance in my mirror, only to see his pig-like tongue slop out of his mouth and slide over his top lip, collecting his nuggets of gold and depositing them in his toothless, disgusting gullet.
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Ewww, that's nasty. I think I would have offered him a kleenex or something. Then again, I really have a weak stomach when it comes to things like that, so I might have needed the kleenex myself. I probably would not have been able to hold it down like you did. Props to you for "keeping your cookies", so to speak.
Comments by Angel
I prefer the 'wiping it on the passenger' method.
Comments by Sheila
thats fucking dusgusting
Comments by buepaintred
Thanks Avi... Now I won;t have to spend that 5 bucks on lunch. I just threw up in my mouth a little, and have lost all traces of appetite.
Comments by MsFreud
Please tell me that you are making this up, because that's the only way I will be able to sleep at night.
Though this will probably be keeping me up as well...
Comments by Dave2
Oh. My. God.
I have no words.
Comments by Mr. Fabulous
Oh my fucking GAWD!!!! I think that I just woke up the damn neighborhood with the cackle this just made me emit.
Maybe he's saving for his wife/girlfriend...ya know for when she kisses him later.
Comments by Denise
OMG, I would have been a great dictator (speaking of voting or lack thereof) because I would've had that guy executed . Now tell me that's not a good idea. That bastard. This post did make me feel better about it being Monday morning and me going to work.
Comments by Mrs. Brain Bombs
Angel, oh, it was stomach churning to say the least.
Sheila, exactly! An effective and hilarious way to rid yourself of nosegoblins.
BPR, you are still misspelling your own name when you comment, retard!
MsFreud, I'm happy that I was able to save you some money.
Dave, I wish I was making it up. It was horrible.
Mr. Fabulous, are you speechless? That's amazing!
Denise, you had to go there now, didn't you? Ew!
Mrs. BB, same here. Doing that would be grounds for immediate capital punishment of him and his entire family.
Comments by Avitable
Oh.My.God. What Denise thought up is even more nasty than what actually happened. I didn't think it could get any worse.
Comments by Angel
"Man's greatest burden is that foreknowledge of human folly never saves us from its consequences." ~ Herodutus
Perhaps you can be saved if you encounter another cretin enjoying the spoils emancipated from his nose. Simply avert your gaze next time or adjust your mirror to reflect the person you seem to hold in such high regard. Please consider soliloquizing in the future on matters of this nature.
Comments by AnnieB
Well, after all, it is Florida. The rednecks were delivering the crystal meth they made in their labs up the swamp. In all that traffic, they were the only ones born there. I mentioned that once before and you chided me, but I have a friend who is a police detective in St. Cloud who swears that's how it is - "W" stickers and all!
Comments by RW
Thanks for making my Monday that much more unpleasant.
Comments by Mistress Yoda
I don't really see the link between this and charity but I am too nauseated now to even think about the logic anymore.
Ewww. Ewwww. Ewwwwwww.
Comments by Miss Britt
Before reading your blog I was feeling vaguely and amorphously dyspeptic. After reading your blog, I felt worse, but worse with a reason.
Thanks. I think...
Comments by erratic scribbler
I shall only acknowledge the first portion of this post because the other part sickens me.
I only give to animal charities because I have compassion for all animals and humans in cages are animals too so if you want to go hang out at your local humane society in a cage then you're getting some of my money.
I vote so that when people ask me if I like the president I can say yes or no and then say that I did or did not vote for said president. I feel no pride, fidelity, or patriotism in doing it and I gain very little personal benefit from the vote.
Comments by Poppy
Jesus Christ Almighty, that was just nasty!
Comments by Peggy
Angel, yeah, she's a twisted fucking bastard!
AnnieB, I need to remind myself why I hate the rest of the world. This is essential validation to my continued existence.
RW, yeah, I have yet to find someone born in Florida who didn't match your criteria.
Mistress Yoda, just be happy you don't have to deal with that person.
Britthdrawal Symptoms, the link is that charity could be going to someone like this!
Erratic Scribbler, feeling worse for a reason is better. You're welcome.
Poppy, you don't want to share in the sickening?
Peggy, hopefully he doesn't have someone that he kisses with that mouth.
Comments by Avitable
It's okay to hurt people like that. You don't have to suffer in silence.
Comments by Mist 1
you paint quite the picture, avi.
I think I'm going to throw up now.
maybe he was using his snot as lip balm.
Comments by Webmiztris
I'm with Britt. Basically you tried to horrify everyone into agreeing with you that charity is not worth your time or money. Nice try.
Cute even.
But, ultimately, disgusting and completely irrelevant.
Comments by Amy
Believe me, I shared in the sickening. I just don't want to talk about it. I like my iced coffee in my tummy, thank you very much.
Could you maybe never talk about gross men wiping their boogs on their lips ever again? Please? It'd still be too soon.
Comments by Poppy
Mist, it is? Thank you! I will send you my lawyer's bill from the subsequent incarceration.
Dawn, I use my words as a tool of horror and disgust.
Amy, it's not irrelevant! Those starving kids in Africa could be wiping boogers on their lips too!
Poppy, I will never tell this story again.
Comments by Avitable
Holy HELL that is NAST-AY!!!! I am grossed out just imagining it. I can safely guess that you are scarred for life!!!
Comments by themuttprincess
Well, sure, because then you'd be repeating yourself. And I'm sure, like me, you hate having to repeat yourself. Except in repeating myself about my gorgeous ass. I have no problem reminding people about my gorgeous ass.
Comments by Poppy
It's very early in the morning for me, and I'm not the brightest bulb — I'll admit that, but how the hell do these relate?
1. Some dumb-fuck redneck mining for "gold" (it's a global phenomenon)
2. Charity
3. VOTING for another dumb fuck.
I don't get it. I'd ask you to elaborate, but damn, I get bad stomachaches when I read this kind of stuff!
Comments by Geeky Tai-Tai
OMG, I forgot again! What is wrong with me? Here you go...
Surely, those must be your favorite.
Comments by Geeky Tai-Tai
Well, that just about made me want to barf.
Comments by Lynda
*shudders*
Comments by Peggy
TMP, I am indeed psychologically damaged from that horror.
Poppy, after you say "gorgeous ass" enough times, it turns into "George's Ash".
Geeky, charity to anonymous people who could be like that dumb fuck justifies my decision not to participate. It's not that he was mining for gold - it was what he was doing with it!
Lynda, imagine witnessing it!
Peggy, yeah, she's clearly a lucky woman.
Comments by Avitable
Are you trying to make me cry?! If Georgie takes a turn for the worse I'm holding YOU responsible!
Georgie sass? That's more like it. She's sassy.
Comments by Poppy
"Upper Class"???
Shall I call you "Lord Avitable"?
*snickers*
Comments by annie
Of course I had to go there...I'm a sick fucking bastard!
Comments by Denise
so like, now i'm vomiting
Comments by Crys
I have got to stop eating when I come read your blog...I just gagged on my strawberry. So effing gross and I am sorry you had to witness it.
*gag gag gag gag gag*
Comments by Hilly
Ah, a bird of prey speaks from atop his lofty perch.
Thank goodness mankind provides you with sufficient fodder to validate your continued existence. I agree this must be preserved at all costs.
Also rare is to find a tooth in one’s esophagus. Gullet is spelled with one t, you ignoramus.
Thank you. I’ve just validated MY continued existence.
Comments by AnnieB
I knew better...I KNEW better. Do not read Avi while eating. dammit.
Not a diet I'd recommend btw.
Comments by Tug
Tug, I still haven't been able to eat anything yet today...
And that's puke onto Avi, not on to you, Sweetie.
Comments by Poppy
OK, that totally beats my Woman-pees-in-her-SUV story. You fucker.
Comments by Tracy Lynn
Poppy, ok, Georgie sass works.
Annie, I didn't capitalize it - I'm just saying that high income individuals will be treated well no matter who is in power.
Denise, that's why we
you.
Crystal, sorry, but I had to share the pain.
Hilly, I should market myself out as a fad diet.
AnnieB, read it again, my sightless friend. I did not misspell it, and no, I didn't edit it. I was perfectly willing to accept that I mistyped at midnight last night, but nope. And a gullet is also slang for someone's mouth, so esophagus is not the only definition. Thanks for playing, though!
Tug, you could probably eat your nosegoblins while you read my blog, if you wanted.
Poppy, no puking on Avitable!
Tracy, I'm all about oneupmanship.
Comments by Avitable
Uh, so...you mean I should be nicer to you?
Comments by annie
when I saw this:
http://fairy.mahdzan.com/story/189.asp
....I thought of you. I can totally see you doing that with your strawberry oreos. you should fry some up and blog about it. :)
Comments by Webmiztris
Poppy -
Avi -
Comments by Tug
oh crotch >__<
also? fried strawberry oreos with ice cream! yus !
Comments by liquid
Annie, yes. I'm a sensitive soul.
Dawn, I've had deep fried Oreos plenty of times. Never strawberry ones, though, so I'd have to try that.
Tug,
Liquid, Crapcrotch?
Comments by Avitable
"the ricockulous crapcrotch!"
Comments by liquid
You're rather a "glass half empty" kind of a guy aren't ya? You figure that it's better to ignore that there are a lot of deserving people who aren't like this guy and who truly need a little temporary help than it is to risk that help going to someone like that guy?
Comments by Kelly
Bleech.
Even though you moved when you were three, sounds like you drive like a Masshole. How do you stay sane in the land of the (almost) dead?
Comments by Kal Jones
Liquid, well put.
Kelly, I would rather assist those that I know need AND deserve it than risk helping people who don't deserve shit.
Kal, I learned to drive from my parents, who are born and bred Massholes. I stay sane by refusing to drive like a Florida Bluehair! And by doing lots and lots of coke. Rectally.
Comments by Avitable
A case of double vision I guess. I even wrote it down because it did not look right to me. I must have made the same mistake twice, but a reexamination of one's comments is certainly worthwhile.
The only way I have ever heard gullet used as slang was when referring to the throat, not the mouth. Why, pray tell, would it be otherwise? Maybe you can direct me to a place where I can enlighten myself on the proper usage of this word in the slang form. I'm afraid I have exhausted my resources in trying to do so.
Many thanks from your sightless friend. Curiously, I normally have 20/20 vision.
Comments by AnnieB
Did you just tell me what to do?! Oh, it is ON!!!!!!!!!
Okay, I promise not to throw up on you for writing this post again, which means I totally reserve the right to throw up on you for other reasons.
Comments by Poppy
i have already thrown up Poppy, so this is not new. what is new is that you will be throwing up on Avi, so now i am jealous. perhaps i can join you? i am a top; he will like that
I WILL BARF IN HIS GULLET
Comments by Crys
why is my gravatar from 1903
Comments by Crys
AnnieB, when it is referred to people "shoving things down their gullets", it is referring to in the mouth and down the throat. So I'd include the mouth with it, personally. And my word is law.
Poppy, I'm anti-puking.
Crystal, I think Gravatar.com is having trouble or reverted to the old images. Or you're using the wrong account when you commented.
Comments by Avitable
I killed him for you.
Comments by themuttprincess
Comments by Tug
"Depositing them" (as you said) is hardly shoving. Personally I do not agree with your syntax.
Comments by AnnieB
That's just sick. If there was EVER a time for mercy killing, that would be one...
Comments by paz y amor
personally i'd like to debate the exact specifications of a mullet—it's far more interesting
Comments by Crys
commenting to see if gravatar image changes
Comments by Crys
yah, that wasn't it.
HEY AVI DID YOU SEE MY FRIEND SHAKE HER BUM-BUM
Comments by Crys
TMP, you have my eternal gratitude.
AnnieB, you are allowed to disagree. I guess.
Crystal, I did see that. Your bum bum is nicer though.
Comments by Avitable
Crys, let's take turn being top because top is my preferred method as well. Makes the puke go down the gullet easier.
Avi, I guess that's just too bad because I think Crys and I could take you.
Comments by Poppy
The red necks in my home town would get drunk and then shoot at their spouses. I'm not fucking lying.
Comments by Erica AP
Poppy, yeah. Two little girls really couldn't do much against a gorilla.
Erica AP, but do they wipe their nosegoblins on their upper lip?
Comments by Avitable
..for the purposes of licking off later.
gah!
Comments by liquid
I think Crys and I can handle you. You're a teddy bear, not a gorilla. Besides, Crys is absolutely insane and I've had kicking ass class so between the two of us we'd scare you into submission and you'd like it. Until the throwing up began. And then you really, really wouldn't like it.
Comments by Poppy
Ewww. Just EWWWWW.
But, I must congratulate you on the usage of the word elucidate.
Very well done
Comments by stephanie
Comments by Maritza
Anybody hungry? Bossy was thinking Rice Pudding.
Comments by BOSSY
Liquid, it's worse than the Japanese who are taught to let the snot accumulate on their lip rather than wipe it off!
Poppy, you underestimate the power of Avitable.
Stephanie, I is not as dum as I luk!
Maritza, thank you! Now I can be apathetic freely.
Bossy, how about some chunky chicken noodle soup?
Comments by Avitable
I never underestimate you. Don't confuse domination with underestimation.
Comments by Poppy
Ewwww, are the Japanese really taught to allow snot to accumulate on their lip?
Comments by Angel
Did the truck have those fun bull testicles hangin off of the hitch?
Seriously - Gross!!
Comments by ADW
Holy shite, that's beyond disgusting... just yesterday I went to the gym and hopped in the shower with my glasses off... and I'm legally blind, which explains why I didn't see this... halfway through my shower I noticed that the previous user had taken out their used tampon and stuck it in the corner of the shower- between the door and the shower wall, with the littly dangly bloody chord hanging out. I wanted to vomit. I just couldn't see that happening at an upper class gym. I thought, "I see why rich people are so snobby about poor people sometimes"... and I'm poor! Fucking disgusting pigs out there...
Comments by cat
Oh WTF? You had to tell us about him eating his freakin' boogars? Ugh.
Nasty. 
Comments by Kentucky Girl
Poppy, oh yeah? Well, don't confuse dominoes with domination.
Angel, it's just not custom for them to use tissue to wipe constantly.
ADW, no, but they would have been right at home.
Cat, wow. That's horrible!
KG, yeah, I had to share my pain.
Comments by Avitable
I see. I like living in a country where tissues are the norm, and are readily available. I really do.
Comments by Angel
Argh! Barf!! This is a question I have for you, dear Avi: if you see someone has a booger, are you in the camp of 'tell them' or 'don't tell them?' We had a waitress once who had one of those huge long skinny ones dangling from her left nostril, and I kept checking anxiously every time she came back to the table to make sure it was still there and not dropped in our food somewhere.
I was too embarrassed to tell her. What would Avi do?
Comments by Rhys
[...] on me. Instead of saying mouth parts, by the way, I might have said gullet but well, that caused a lot of controversy over at Avi's blog yesterday and well, controversy makes me hate people as well, along with [...]
Comments by Midnight Therapy With Crystal » Blog Archive » It's Tuesday. Wow, gross.
Angel, it's just not their custom. And it can be frightening the first time you see it.
Rhys, yes, I tell them. Always. It's the right thing to do.
Comments by Avitable
Comments by Vulgar Wizard