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When I am old

RW had this handy little thought provoking meme on his blog and he all but tagged me, so I decided to go ahead and comply with his wishes. He can be a right cantankerous bastard, you know?

The goal of this post is to make 13 predictions for when I am old. Now, I’ve said that 30 is old, but for the purposes of this, I’ll entertain the thought that I’m not truly old until I’m 90, which will be the year 2067.

In 2067…

  1. Rupert Murdoch’s clone will have purchased the United States and renamed it FOX World.
  2. The Rolling Stones will consist only of Keith Richards and Mick Jagger’s lips. They will still be touring.
  3. Haley Joel Osment will win an Academy Award for his portrayal of the hero George W. Bush, Jr., in the based-on-a-true-story film, “Iraq, You raq, We all raq”.
  4. McGoogle will be able to download double cheeseburgers right to your head for free as long as they can plant a small ad in your brain.
  5. As a result of the influence of bizarre Japanese porn, the first octopus/human baby will be born to Katoshi Murakawa of New Tokyo on the island formerly known as Oahu.
  6. The first residents will move back into Iowa since the midwest became uninhabitable due to the nuclear fallout from the 2037 Retail Wars between Wal-Mart and Target.
  7. The Simpsons will finally stop airing after the death of the last person who remembered when it was actually funny.
  8. We will be celebrating Easter 2, which is the 10th anniversary of Jesus returning to Earth, being called a “raghead” for his dark complexion and Middle Eastern facial features by some Baptists, and then being re-crucified by those same zealots. He didn’t come back this time.
  9. Weird Al Yankovic will release an album parodying the artists of that time. He is the world’s highest paid entertainer.
  10. The FCC levies a fine of $14 Billion against ABC for showing graphic depictions of anal double penetration for three minutes straight. The federal guidelines clearly prohibit anything longer than 170 seconds. When this particular episode of Sesame Street is re-aired, it has been edited accordingly.
  11. Those fuckers will still be trying to get off the island on LOST.
  12. Homicide of certain classes of people becomes a misdemeanor in 13 of the 104 states. The homeless and stupid flee.
  13. A sculpture of Pope Avitable’s balls was presented to him at his papal residence in Los Angeles by a world-famous artist. The Pope accidentally dies the next day trying to compare the sculpture with the real thing without using a mirror.

I won’t tag anyone, but I welcome you to give it a try.

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44 Replies to “When I am old”

  1. Avitable

    Liquid, so bright you need sunglasses?

    Sheila, interesting and awesome.

    Mist, I’ll still be here. You’ll be fine.

    NYCWD, mine are straightforward – none of this “On the eve of war a bird will sail to victory” shit.

    Mr. Fabulous, my great grandfather lived to his mid-90s on a diet of vodka and steak. Have some faith, man.

  2. RW

    I’m really liking 4, actually. But not with McDonald’s or cheeseburgers. Can they do it with small dollops of overpriced foliage from little bistros?

    That would be cool!

  3. Angel

    “The first residents will move back into Iowa since the midwest became uninhabitable due to the nuclear fallout from the 2037 Retail Wars between Wal-Mart and Target.”

    Somehow, I can see the war between the two being that bad. I really can.

  4. Avitable

    RW, McGoogle will have purchased every bistro in the world, but their food will have improved in quality significantly.

    Angel, it will be worse than the cola wars.

    Phishez, it’s a fun one to do.

  5. annie

    Keith Richards has been dead for years; they just put animitronics in his mummy, that’s what we see on stage.

    Oh good, I’m not the only one who noticed the Simpsons started going stale about, oh…10 years ago?

  6. Avitable

    Mistress Yoda, the future is a dark and scary place indeed.

    Angel, the cola wars are in the past – from the late ’80s.

    BPR, you might be on that list, since you can’t even spell your Goddamned name right.

    Tug, yeah, I don’t think they’d be that hot by then.

    Dawn, those were ones that are probably the closest to reality, too.

    Brittacus, I made you snort? I feel very proud.

    TMP, I’m hoping it will turn around with the Simpsons movie.

    Poppy, I’ll order flowers now.

    Dragon, I bet I can go commando under my vestments, too!

    Angel, thanks! *blush*

    Amy, Wal-mart will win. Mainly because Target has a big bunch of bullseyes for its logo – makes it easy to hit.

    Nessa, exactly. It will happen, I’m sure.

    Annie, he’s actually among the living undead.

    Tracy, I’m immortal. Who are you kidding?

    Liquid, and SPF 1,000,000?

  7. Avitable

    TMP, I’ve heard good things.

    Liquid, okay then!

    Bossy, there’s a new cream that removes wrinkles and lifts boobs in the future.

    Tracy, don’t underestimate Avitable.

    BPR, you’re still doing it. Sigh. All you need to do is log in and it should be fine!

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