Hi there, child. Come sit on Uncle Avitable's lap and let him impart some wisdom to you about love, life, lamps, and other luxuries - some are things he's learned himself, and some are things he's learned from watching others. Don't worry about that bulge in his pants - just plop yourself right on top of that and open your ears:
ALWAYS check to make sure that you're alone in your house before stripping down and walking around naked, especially if you're going out in the backyard. It took you long enough to find a good lawn guy, and you really don't want him to be scared off.
CHEX sounds like "sex" in a loud party, so assuming that the girl with the bowl in her hand is asking if you want sex is a bad idea, especially if she's holding a bowl of Chex Mix. Following her out to the balcony and groping her against her will is a worse idea.
JUST because someone you trust tells you that rubbing Ben Gay on your balls will make you ejaculate across the room doesn't mean you should believe it. If you're stupid enough to believe it and decide to try it, go light on the application of said Ben Gay. Using too much will only cause much burning that will not wash off easily in the shower. And if you're trying to wash it off, don't accidentally touch the head of your penis with the same hand that had the Ben Gay, because that's a very sensitive part of your body.
IF you and your girlfriend are parked in her driveway, and she's giving you a handjob that goes a little crazy and you ejaculate all over the steering wheel, be aware that frantically trying to clean it before it dries will result in you loudly blaring the horn multiple times. Which may bring her parents outside in their robes. And then they'll see all yo' bidness.
"HOW bad can it hurt?" is not a question that you should consider when you are about to be the first of your friends to pee on an electric fence. "Why do I hate my penis?" is the better question.
THE reason that all of those women are smiling at you as you sit on that bench is not because you're hot. It's because your shorts have a big hole in the crotch and there's a chance that part of your nutsack is peeking out.
DON'T assume that the dark thing under your fingernail is chocolate. It might be dirt. Or poop. (Sorry, E-rod)
JUGGLING is something to ease into. Start with rubber balls - don't just jump to the chainsaw part.
EVEN though the hot dogs at the movie theater smell good, remember that some of them have been turning over and over and over for many days. In fact, at night, when they close the theater, they just shut the power down, and they sit there all night long getting cold and moldy. One of these days, if you keep buying them, you will get a bad one. And you will severely regret it.
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You're so wise... Did you get this sage wisdom from personal experience?
Comments by Amanda
How will you know its not chocolate under your fingernail unless you taste it!??!!! ;)
Comments by Sheila
Okay, I want the entire Ben Gay story. Like, NOW.
Comments by Rhys
Hi there, child. Come sit on Uncle Avitable's lap
nine words in and I'm horrified already!
must continue reading....
Comments by bluepaintred
oh god i was right to be worried.. a bulge avi?
for SHAME!
Comments by bluepaintred
"Why do I hate my penis?"
I hate NO penis!
Comments by bluepaintred
I think you missed your true calling.
You should have been a teacher at the School for the Common Senseless.
Comments by NYC Watchdog
Ok - I sat on your lap and got my bedtime stories...now what?
Comments by Hilly
"IF you and your girlfriend are parked in her driveway, and she's giving you a handjob that goes a little crazy and you ejaculate all over the steering wheel, be aware that frantically trying to clean it before it dries will result in you loudly blaring the horn multiple times. Which may bring her parents outside in their robes. And then they'll see all yo' bidness."
Has this happened to you?
Comments by Angel
Thanks for the advice, next time can you not steal my wallet while I'm sitting on your lap?
Comments by Carolyn Jeffries
These area ALL true stories from your life, aren't they?
Comments by Denise
You are like a Ghandi who eats.
Comments by Mr. Fabulous
Amanda, I guess I have to read the post for you (and others who left comments). The second sentence of the post says "some are things he's learned himself, and some are things he's learned from watching others".
Sheila, sometimes it is just better not to know.
Rhys, what story? It's just advice.
BPR, three comments and no misspellings? I am very impressed.
NYCWD, well, I always wanted to run a Camp for Wayward Girls aged 16-19. I could just teach common sense there. Naked.
Hilly, just do what you usually do on a lap. Dance!
Angel, a gentleman never kisses and tells.
Carolyn, Avitable needs to eat.
Denise, not all. As the second sentence of the post clearly said!
Mr. Fabulous, I'm like a Gandhi who ate Gandhi!
Comments by Avitable
Okay, I would just like to apologize for clearly missing the part that said "some are things he's learned himself, and some are things he's learned from watching others." Thankyoubuhbye.
Comments by Angel
Thanks for the advice!
I'm going to pass this down to my kids
Comments by Christie
Yes, yes. Well said. A wonderful compendium of utilitarian bromides. Excellent!
Comments by RW
You need to write a book: Life for Dummies.
Comments by Mistress Yoda
Angel, you are forgiven. This time.
Christie, it's for kids and adults alike.
RW, indubitably. Huzzah!
Mistress Yoda, I have to survive life first.
Comments by Avitable
nothing will keep me from the movie hot dogs.
not pathogenic bacteria ..or even amoebic dysentery.
Comments by liquid
I'd think it would be worse to ask her for sex if she WASN'T holding a bowl of Chex Mix.
This does add an entirely new meaning to George Michael's "I Want Your Chex" video though. As if I wasn't already all messed up where George Michael is concerned. Thanks a lot Avitable!
Comments by Dave2
Can I get down now?
And my sage advice to you: Try Icy Hot next time.
Comments by Poppy
That's what the new editions are for...when you learn more.
Comments by Mistress Yoda
Liquid, it's worth it when they're only a dollar!
Dave, isn't there a song by Color Me Badd called "I wanna Chex you up?"
Poppy, I'll just stick with cow urine, like I usually do.
Mistress Yoda, good thinking. Then I can actually make more money, too!
Comments by Avitable
Well since I helped you out there...do I get a percentage?
Comments by Mistress Yoda
Hm.
I guess so.
10%.
And that's my final offer.
Comments by Avitable
Ok, can I get love and admiration along with it?
Comments by Mistress Yoda
Can't do that. It's too valuable to give away.
Comments by Avitable
I assume all this 'sage' knowledge was attained from your own personal experience. All I can say is 'boys are weird'.
Comments by Dragon
Ah the beauty of hindsight!
Stop looking at my ass. That's not what hindsight means.
Comments by Miss Britt
Thank you. they each took six day to compose and then an additional week of experts going over them to be approved.
Comments by bluepaintred
I must admit, I'm surprised. That was pretty sage advice.
Comments by Tracy Lynn
I never would have guessed that movie-theater hot dogs smell good. Those things look so rancid, a like penis that fell off after its hateful owner pissed on an electric fence.
And I think you need a 'pissing-on-an-electric-fence smiley.'
Comments by erratic scribbler
Which of these lovely diseases and disorders are you trying to cure with said cow urine?
And, seriously, can I get off your lap now?
Comments by Poppy
I can't believe you never went back with the other 9 bucks. That's too funny. You even got a huge stuffed animal out of the deal!
Comments by Clown
Sorry Avi dear, not buying it. I think if you don't provide a print version of the real story, a video blog re-enactment will be demanded. ;)
btw, can you recommend some equipment for video blogging? I'd appreciate it. :)
Comments by Rhys
I suppose I'm SOL then.
Comments by Mistress Yoda
I wish I had read this before my new neighbors got to witness my sexy dance. My sexy dance is apparently only sexy to me. It seems to be funny to everyone else.
Comments by Mist 1
...is that last one true?
Comments by Crys
I just want to know how many of you men out there have actually TRIED the ben gay thing.
Comments by Tug
That Ben Gay thing is good advice. Also beware Flex-All. It will eat your entire ball sack.
Comments by Joefish
Dragon, truly we are.
Always Britt Closing, you do have a nice ass!
BPR, and here you were, so close to impressing me, until your newest error. Sigh.
Tracy, I'm the sagest!
Erratic Scribbler, they're like baseball hot dogs.
Poppy, you can get down - just hand me a tissue first, k?
Clown, you're funnier when you're not trying to be.
Rhys, this is a good webcam for doing video.
Mistress Yoda, I'm sure Kevin Spacey will love and adore you.
Mist, most dances are sexy in the eye of the beholder. You should send me a video so I can judge for myself.
Crystal, depends on the theater. I've never gotten a bad one yet.
Tug, how many men have tried it and been gay?
Joefish, we can't have that!
Comments by Avitable
if gorillas don't have to wear clothes, I don't see why you have to either.
Comments by Webmiztris
k.
Comments by Poppy
Wow. You know what? You are right. Chex and sex DO sound alike. That explains a lot.
Also, juggling chainsaws should be left to trained professionals.
Comments by themuttprincess
Dawn, that is an excellent point! From now on, it's all nude all the time!
Poppy, such an angel.
TMP, I should make a snack food called "Oral Chex".
Comments by Avitable
So, um, I'm rethinking my summer plans....
Comments by Miss Britt
For all I know he's even more obsessed with me than I am with him.
Comments by Mistress Yoda
I don't know any gay men named Ben.
Comments by Tug
So I'm reading this post thinking - ok, serious pervy-ness ahead... waiting... waiting...
Nope, you actually wrote a post with valid advice.
It wasn't me who told you to use the Ben Gay was it? And, if you are married shouldn't you be using Ben Straight?
Comments by Amy
Life's a Brittch and Then You Die, oh, you know you'll like it.
Mistress Yoda, I bet he has a Robin shrine already.
Tug, what about Ben Dover?
Amy, I wonder if they make Ben Bi for people in college?
Comments by Avitable
The Dover family is very close to my heart. or something........
Comments by Tug
If they don't - you should definitely get a patent for it.
Comments by Amy
Oral Chex. That sounds fun. Market it and box it and sell it. You will be RICH!
Comments by themuttprincess
fucking "s"
I will never qualify for the church, will I?
Comments by bluepaintred
Tug, better that they be close to your heart than your butt.
Amy, you're right. It's a brilliant idea!
TMP, I'm apparently just chock full of good ideas today.
BPR, I'll let you in. You amuse me. You can be my jester.
Comments by Avitable
hmmm I wonder what church we are trying to qualify for...
Comments by Angel
true story...
Comments by Tug
Angel, you don't know? Go read and be enlightened: http://www.avitable.com/church/
Tug, yeah I figured.
Comments by Avitable
I'm going to bank on that.
Comments by Mistress Yoda
I'm thinking my lawn guy might appreciate the sight of me naked.
But, I could be wrong.
Comments by stephanie
Well, I guess I am going to have to go to the store and get some ingredients to make burritos. That's all there is to it.
Comments by Angel
You know that first one about stripping down? I have found that if you do, the UPS or FedEx guy shows up with whatever you had ordered (even if it was only an hour ago) - so it's a nice way to speed up delivery times.
Comments by Kyra
Do I ever come up with anything LESS than a BRILLIANT idea????
Comments by Amy
Now I know why I hate hot dogs.
Ben Gay on the balls, probably less expensive and more available than Spanish Fly (Blister Beetle).
Comments by Michael
Mistress Yoda, okay, and unless someone can prove it's not true, how do you know it's not?
Steph, you're probably right. My lawn guy would, too. Wanna come down and show him?
Angel, the microwaveable burritos covered in Hershey's are the best. Making them from scratch might not work as well.
Kyra, good thinking! Same with pizza delivery, too, I'm sure.
Amy, yes. Yes, you do. :D
Michael, hot dogs are awesome! They're God's gift to mankind.
Comments by Avitable
Other words of advice could include:
Do not keep your toothpaste in the same bathroom drawer as the Preparation H and when your best friend tells the way to prepare for your first date is to shower well and splash a little after shave on your balls so they don't smell like your ass... DONT BELIEVE HIM! Even if you have already realized showers are always a good idea.
Comments by y2k survivor
Comments by Angel
Y2K, yeah, I think showering well is always a good idea, but the aftershave sounds painful.
Angel, oh, please elaborate? Do you do much licking of men's ball sacks?
Comments by Avitable
My mother always adviced me to start with rubber balls too.....too bad I didn't listen. I missed out on a whole shit load of 'college scenes' while I was busy defying her......
Comments by Heartless Lass