Categorically Uncategorized

Sage advice

Hi there, child. Come sit on Uncle Avitable’s lap and let him impart some wisdom to you about love, life, lamps, and other luxuries – some are things he’s learned himself, and some are things he’s learned from watching others. Don’t worry about that bulge in his pants – just plop yourself right on top of that and open your ears:

ALWAYS check to make sure that you’re alone in your house before stripping down and walking around naked, especially if you’re going out in the backyard. It took you long enough to find a good lawn guy, and you really don’t want him to be scared off.

CHEX sounds like “sex” in a loud party, so assuming that the girl with the bowl in her hand is asking if you want sex is a bad idea, especially if she’s holding a bowl of Chex Mix. Following her out to the balcony and groping her against her will is a worse idea.

JUST because someone you trust tells you that rubbing Ben Gay on your balls will make you ejaculate across the room doesn’t mean you should believe it. If you’re stupid enough to believe it and decide to try it, go light on the application of said Ben Gay. Using too much will only cause much burning that will not wash off easily in the shower. And if you’re trying to wash it off, don’t accidentally touch the head of your penis with the same hand that had the Ben Gay, because that’s a very sensitive part of your body.

IF you and your girlfriend are parked in her driveway, and she’s giving you a handjob that goes a little crazy and you ejaculate all over the steering wheel, be aware that frantically trying to clean it before it dries will result in you loudly blaring the horn multiple times. Which may bring her parents outside in their robes. And then they’ll see all yo’ bidness.

“HOW bad can it hurt?” is not a question that you should consider when you are about to be the first of your friends to pee on an electric fence. “Why do I hate my penis?” is the better question.

THE reason that all of those women are smiling at you as you sit on that bench is not because you’re hot. It’s because your shorts have a big hole in the crotch and there’s a chance that part of your nutsack is peeking out.

DON’T assume that the dark thing under your fingernail is chocolate. It might be dirt. Or poop. (Sorry, E-rod)

JUGGLING is something to ease into. Start with rubber balls – don’t just jump to the chainsaw part.

EVEN though the hot dogs at the movie theater smell good, remember that some of them have been turning over and over and over for many days. In fact, at night, when they close the theater, they just shut the power down, and they sit there all night long getting cold and moldy. One of these days, if you keep buying them, you will get a bad one. And you will severely regret it.

Share the love:
RSS
Follow by Email
Google+
Google+
http://www.avitable.com/2007/05/23/sage-advice/
YouTube
Pinterest
LinkedIn
Instagram
snapchat
whatsapp

69 Replies to “Sage advice”

  1. Angel

    “IF you and your girlfriend are parked in her driveway, and she’s giving you a handjob that goes a little crazy and you ejaculate all over the steering wheel, be aware that frantically trying to clean it before it dries will result in you loudly blaring the horn multiple times. Which may bring her parents outside in their robes. And then they’ll see all yo’ bidness.”

    Has this happened to you? :lmao:

  2. Avitable

    Amanda, I guess I have to read the post for you (and others who left comments). The second sentence of the post says “some are things he’s learned himself, and some are things he’s learned from watching others”.

    Sheila, sometimes it is just better not to know.

    Rhys, what story? It’s just advice.

    BPR, three comments and no misspellings? I am very impressed.

    NYCWD, well, I always wanted to run a Camp for Wayward Girls aged 16-19. I could just teach common sense there. Naked.

    Hilly, just do what you usually do on a lap. Dance!

    Angel, a gentleman never kisses and tells.

    Carolyn, Avitable needs to eat.

    Denise, not all. As the second sentence of the post clearly said!

    Mr. Fabulous, I’m like a Gandhi who ate Gandhi!

  3. Angel

    Okay, I would just like to apologize for clearly missing the part that said “some are things he’s learned himself, and some are things he’s learned from watching others.” Thankyoubuhbye.

  4. Dave2

    I’d think it would be worse to ask her for sex if she WASN’T holding a bowl of Chex Mix.

    This does add an entirely new meaning to George Michael’s “I Want Your Chex” video though. As if I wasn’t already all messed up where George Michael is concerned. Thanks a lot Avitable!

  5. Avitable

    Liquid, it’s worth it when they’re only a dollar!

    Dave, isn’t there a song by Color Me Badd called “I wanna Chex you up?”

    Poppy, I’ll just stick with cow urine, like I usually do.

    Mistress Yoda, good thinking. Then I can actually make more money, too!

  6. erratic scribbler

    I never would have guessed that movie-theater hot dogs smell good. Those things look so rancid, a like penis that fell off after its hateful owner pissed on an electric fence.

    And I think you need a ‘pissing-on-an-electric-fence smiley.’

    :shit:

  7. Rhys

    Sorry Avi dear, not buying it. I think if you don’t provide a print version of the real story, a video blog re-enactment will be demanded. 😉

    btw, can you recommend some equipment for video blogging? I’d appreciate it. 🙂

  8. Avitable

    Dragon, truly we are.

    Always Britt Closing, you do have a nice ass!

    BPR, and here you were, so close to impressing me, until your newest error. Sigh.

    Tracy, I’m the sagest!

    Erratic Scribbler, they’re like baseball hot dogs.

    Poppy, you can get down – just hand me a tissue first, k?

    Clown, you’re funnier when you’re not trying to be.

    Rhys, this is a good webcam for doing video.

    Mistress Yoda, I’m sure Kevin Spacey will love and adore you.

    Mist, most dances are sexy in the eye of the beholder. You should send me a video so I can judge for myself.

    Crystal, depends on the theater. I’ve never gotten a bad one yet.

    Tug, how many men have tried it and been gay?

    Joefish, we can’t have that!

  9. Amy

    So I’m reading this post thinking – ok, serious pervy-ness ahead… waiting… waiting…

    Nope, you actually wrote a post with valid advice.

    It wasn’t me who told you to use the Ben Gay was it? And, if you are married shouldn’t you be using Ben Straight?

  10. Avitable

    Life’s a Brittch and Then You Die, oh, you know you’ll like it.

    Mistress Yoda, I bet he has a Robin shrine already.

    Tug, what about Ben Dover?

    Amy, I wonder if they make Ben Bi for people in college?

  11. Avitable

    Tug, better that they be close to your heart than your butt.

    Amy, you’re right. It’s a brilliant idea!

    TMP, I’m apparently just chock full of good ideas today.

    BPR, I’ll let you in. You amuse me. You can be my jester.

  12. Kyra

    You know that first one about stripping down? I have found that if you do, the UPS or FedEx guy shows up with whatever you had ordered (even if it was only an hour ago) – so it’s a nice way to speed up delivery times. :batting:

  13. Avitable

    Mistress Yoda, okay, and unless someone can prove it’s not true, how do you know it’s not?

    Steph, you’re probably right. My lawn guy would, too. Wanna come down and show him?

    Angel, the microwaveable burritos covered in Hershey’s are the best. Making them from scratch might not work as well.

    Kyra, good thinking! Same with pizza delivery, too, I’m sure.

    Amy, yes. Yes, you do. 😀

    Michael, hot dogs are awesome! They’re God’s gift to mankind.

  14. y2k survivor

    Other words of advice could include:
    Do not keep your toothpaste in the same bathroom drawer as the Preparation H and when your best friend tells the way to prepare for your first date is to shower well and splash a little after shave on your balls so they don’t smell like your ass… DONT BELIEVE HIM! Even if you have already realized showers are always a good idea.

  15. Angel

    :lmao: I love the “aftershave on the balls” thing. There is nothing like trying to get busy with a man and having his balls smell like his face…wouldn’t make me wanna…well, you know. :lmao:

Leave a Reply