A couple of nights ago, I was sleeping on my stomach in bed. I had my right arm under the pillow, and my head firmly in the pillow. Our dog slept across my back legs right at the back of my knees. Unbeknownst to me, this was slowly cutting off my circulation, making my right arm and both legs fall asleep completely.
I woke up around 4 because I had to pee. Extremely groggily, I stood up on my dead legs and immediately fell face-first. With the carpet rushing up to my gravity-subject body, I tried to put my right arm out to stop my fall, but I couldn't feel it, so all it did was cushion my face slightly as I bounced my forehead off of the floor. In my mind, it sounded like dropping a honeydew melon on the sidewalk would sound.
Lying facedown on the carpet, unable to push myself up or really do anything, I just twitched my arm and legs like a half-dead cockroach (a large, gorilla-shaped cockroach) as the feeling slowly came back in my extremities. The initial tingling was so painful that I almost yelled out, but luckily I had a mouthful of carpet and couldn't emit more than a "mmmffmfmfm".
Once I was capable of moving again, I went and peed and got back into bed. The dog was relocated.
My wife didn't even wake up.
I laid in bed thinking about the fact that if I had been an amputee with no legs and one arm and had fallen, it could have taken a long time for me to be able to move over to the bathroom and pee, and she would have just been sleeping the whole time. The more I thought about it, the more annoyed I got. She would just sleep throughout her amputee husband's pain and suffering? How cruel is that?
Finally, I couldn't take it anymore. I punched her in the shoulder and hissed, "Thanks for taking care of me - I could have been an amputee and then how bad would you have felt?"
She was thoroughly confused (and pissed that I woke her up by punching her in the shoulder), but I felt better. And in the end, isn't that all that matters?
Today's lesson: If you hear your hypothetically amputee husband fall out of bed because his hypothetically amputated legs were asleep and land face-first on the floor because his hypothetically amputated arm was asleep, wake up and take care of him!
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..and you thought i only
taught her to high five and fetch diet cokes!
Comments by liquid
Avi, have you ever considered that this is really something that a WOMAN would think of, not a man? You really are in tune with the opposite sex. Now... go spray your BB Room spray!
Comments by Amy
Uhm, I'll store this information. Thx.
Comments by Sheila
I'm just happy that your penis didn't fall asleep too
Comments by bluepaintred
When I get a husband he can have his own bedroom.
I'll still fuck him every night but no bed sharing!
Ah who am I kidding, I'll probably be single forever.
Comments by Mistress
I bet this gave you a newfound respect for the Americans with Disabilities Act.
Too bad the domestic violence laws got pushed aside for it.
Comments by NYC Watchdog
Thing is, I DO hear my husband get up and do stupid shit all the time. And then I pretend like I don't when he asks me about it later. Maybe she was pretending, too.
Comments by Kentucky Girl
Oh.My.God.
I think I did something like that to my husband once, and now, only because you have written this post, do I realize it. *I think* he tripped over our bulldog getting out of bed and fell. I heard a thud. I sat up and looked around, but didn't see anything, so I assumed that he was out in the kitchen or living room playing with the dogs and went back to sleep.
I woke up later and he was in the bed with me. When I woke him up to say good morning, he had on pissy-pants (as in he was mad), so I just got up and left him there to grumble at himself.
Comments by Angel
I can't sleep through anything with my husband, and he sleeps through everything. It's the reverse for us. Once I was up with our sick kids (one toddler throwing up in the bathroom 7 feet from the bed, an infant screaming and throwing up on me as I paced at the end of the bed calling his name WITH THE LIGHTS ON) and he slept through the entire thing until I kicked him in the shins as hard as I could. I think he deliberately does this whenever I am sick, but demands that I come check on him when he is.
Would you wake up for your hypothetically amputee wife and help her? Or would you be pissed at being woken up?
Comments by Kyra
Hmm... What else would she sleep through?
Oh... not everybody has those necro fantasies? My bad.
Comments by Kal Jones
Dude, you are so lucky she didn't just rise up and punch you in the head. Because that's totally what I would have done.
Comments by Tracy Lynn
Wife beater!
At least you didn't piss yourself while you were stuck on the floor.
Comments by Denise
Clearly the search for a new wife must begin...
Comments by Mr. Fabulous
Just so you know, I would have punched you back too. Twice.
Comments by Angel
I really wish this had been video taped.
Oh and I too don't wake for anything...so if Mr. Yoda ever fell on the floor in pain I wouldn't stir.
Comments by Mistress Yoda
Keep it up and one day you are going to wake up and be missing a penis. The Lorena Bobbit incident will haunt all men forever...
Comments by Dave2
I do that to my husband. If I have a dream that he cheated on me, I get up the next morning and hit him and call him names. And sometimes I do it just for fun.
Comments by heather
Liquid, she's clearly also trained as a ninja assassin.
Amy, teehee! It smells soooo gooood!
Sheila, I'm happy to educate.
BPR, you're happy? I'm ecstatic!
Mistress, you're going to be single forever by your choice, and you know it.
NYCWD, hey listen. I had a hypothetical disability - my anger is righteous!
KG, my wife cares about me. Clearly, you hate Doug or else you'd wake up and help.
Angel, see? You neglected him!
Kyra, I wake up at everything, too. I still make my wife feel guilty from the time I had food poisoning and was puking in the bathroom and she didn't even wake up at all.
Kal, I told you - they cremated Anna Nicole Smith - you can't fuck her corpse anymore!
Tracy, as many times as I've flung my arms out while I've been sound asleep and smacked her in the head and face, she's used to it by now.
Denise, I didn't have to pee that badly.
Mr. Fabulous, I'm putting ads on Craigslist as we speak.
Angel, my punching was perfectly justified!
Mistress Yoda, oh, I'm sure it looked hilarious, since I tried to stand and just fell right over.
Dave, you know . . . I haven't checked since that night oh DEAR GOD WHERE DID IT GO?
Heather, such a meanie!
Comments by Avitable
That is hilarious! I've done that to Hay before, and I'm actually not kidding. I can't see you punching Amy in the arm to be annoyed at her for anything. And if you really slip her GHB every night then it's your own fault she doesn't wake up.
(Score 12 for Poppy!)
Comments by Poppy
I'm a redhead. It's in my nature.
Comments by heather
"but luckily I had a mouthful of carpet"
heh heh. rug-muncher!
Comments by erratic scribbler
Poppy, it might have been more of a tap.
Heather, mmmm....redheads.
Erratic Scribbler, and here I was wondering which person was going to take the easy one I left. Well done.
Comments by Avitable
this post just confirms that men have vaginas
Comments by Crys
mmmm.....gorillas.
Comments by heather
I wake up from someone walking into my room. Handy usually, except we have 2 cats and a dog.
Once my BF is asleep, not even a marching band could wake him up.
Comments by themuttprincess
So when you rubberize your shower, you should really think about bringing it all the way out into your bedroom...softer landing.
And hypothetically, she was probably dreaming you were a tree in the forest and since she was in bed, she didn't hear you.
Comments by Tug
I did not neglect him...I looked to see what was going on, and then I went back to sleep.
At least I looked.
Also, you made a comment about Amy sleeping all night through you puking....Ummm, at least she slept. I would have called an ambulance, seriously...because I DO NOT do puking. I have a horrible fear of it. No matter who it is that is puking.
Comments by Angel
Unless he likes being ignored and belittled.
Comments by Mistress Yoda
Crystal, I'm not following your logic.
Heather, you blushing?
TMP, she's not that heavy of a sleeper.
Tug, good thinking!
Angel, I didn't want her to wake up, but at least an "Are you okay?" while I was projectile vomiting would have been nice.
Mistress Yoda, who doesn't?
Comments by Avitable
Dude, I would have punched you out if you woke me up like that. You're a lucky man to have her. Don't ever forget it.
Comments by Dragon
that is something i would totally do to my husband. like, crack my foot open in another area of the house and then blame him for it. this is classic woman behavior and honestly, you should be proud of yourself. you have graduated and i think you're ready to join the club. as we speak i am looking in my closet for your honorary vagina....
Comments by Crys
I am now.
Comments by heather
Dragon, oh, I know that I'm lucky.
Crystal, I can't wait until I get my honorary vagina! I need to go call my mom and tell her all about it. Squee!
Heather, it's so easy!
Comments by Avitable
she probably heard it and was just tuning you out.
that's what I do when my husband is doing something stupid.
he always freaks out when he wakes up in the middle of the night and a limb is numb. he acts like it's going to stay that way permanently or something. I used to show concern but now I just put the pillow over my head and roll over.
Comments by Webmiztris
If my hypothetical amputeed husband had hit me with his, I'm assuming, unamputeed left arm, do you think he'd be able to protect himself with said unamputeed arm when I used his own pillow to suffocate him, nonhypothetically, dead?
Comments by Nessa
I just realized what is wrong with your comments... there are no Britt comments and no brilliant variations on her name!!!
Somehow, the internet feels a little lonely today, does it not?
Comments by Amy
I wake up if the dog farts. I can sleep anywhere but I sleep lightly.
I'm reading a book right now and there was an amputee mentioned in it who has no arms or legs. He was basically a box. Crazy.
Comments by jenny
Fuck that! I'd make him sleep in the other room.
Comments by annie
Avi - only for you.
Comments by heather
Then count your blessings.
Comments by themuttprincess
Dawn, she was dead asleep when I punched her. And I wasn't doing anything stupid - I could have been an amputee!
Nessa, well, my arms had grown back by then.
Amy, I know! I'm glad someone noticed the variations on her name.
Jenny, what do you call a multiple amputee who's hanging on your wall? Art.
Annie, for being an amputee? You're cruel.
Heather, awww, how sweet. And dirty.
TMP, I do. Every day! Especially when she wheels my amputee body to the bathroom.
Comments by Avitable
Did she say she would take your amputee ass to the bathroom?
Comments by themuttprincess
Once, my husband had sprained his ankle so he took a half of a Lortab. About twenty minutes later, he got out of bed to pee. I heard a thud about three minutes after he got out of bed. So I waited. And waited. And waited some more. Then, after another two or thee minutes I was like, Hun? Hun? He didn’t answer. So I walked in there. When I opened the door, I hit him right in the head with it. He had passed out cold, slid down the shower wall, his sprained ankle kicked the heat vent out from under the counter and got stuck in there. I laughed and laughed. Dumb ass.
Comments by usedtobeme
I don't know, mentally stable people.
Comments by Mistress Yoda
Art huh? Don't get me started on bad jokes! Ok, just one.
How much did a pirate pay to get his ears pierced? A buckaneer.
Comments by jenny
Oh my god, I can't stop!
What's Avi short for? He's got no legs.
Comments by jenny
TMP, no, it's assumed.
Usedtobeme,
That is awesome!
Mistress Yoda, there's no such thing. It's a myth.
Jenny, this is all I'm doing, so enjoy:
What has no arms and legs and:
1. Is in front of your front door? Matt.
2. Is in your mailbox? Bill.
3. Is in the ocean? Bob.
4. Has clothes hanging off of him in the closet? Rod.
5. Is propped up against the wall? Eileen.
6. Is under the sink with your soap? Joy.
7. Shows up every morning? Dawn.
8. Is in a hole in the ground? Phil.
9. Is between two buildings downtown? Ali.
10. Is on the golf course? Chip.
11. Is in your wallet? Buck.
12. Is your cat's toy? Claude.
13. Is in your sink? Dwayne.
I can do this all night. However, I am not going to! :)
Comments by Avitable
All these comments and not a soul bothered to express any concern for the poor carpet.
You know, fibers have feelings too.
Comments by RW
Avi, you left out
water skiing: Skip
Comments by usedtobeme
ok, I'm really done after this:
What do you call a deer with no eyes?
No eye deer.
What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs?
Still no eye deer.
Have a good weekend.
Comments by jenny
Oh my god. I am laughing my ass off at the jokes. I'm not even drunk yet.
Comments by heather
I'm with RW - I feel bad for the fibers especially since you had your mouth on them and God knows WHERE that has been.
Comments by Amy
RW, I bought the carpet dinner and some flowers.
Usedtobeme, I left out a lot of them, but that's a good one.
Jenny, wow. Those are bad!
Heather, that's because I'm hilarious.
Amy, we did have to bleach the entire carpet afterwards . . .
Comments by Avitable
Interesting "we all go down together" philosophy... very military...
I can't believe those are your socks. Please throw them away. Or get out some needle and thread. Something. Anything!
Comments by cat
You bet your ass I'd make him sleep in the other room. That fucker wakes me up, I'm gonna chop off some MORE limbs and sew his mouth shut.
I HATE being woke up!
Comments by annie
lmao Annie!! I would have just punched him back.
Comments by Angel
Hypothetically, I would have wicked hot
nurse there 24/7 to help take care of my hypothetically amputated husband, therefore she would be the one caring for you, not I.
Hypothetically.
I hope your forehead doesn't look like you got tea-bagged by the Jolly Green Giant.
Comments by Heartless Lass
Even your Hypothetical Self is high maintenance.
Comments by BOSSY
Cat, did you comment on the wrong post?
Annie, now that's awesome. Cut off the remaining limbs and sew his mouth shut!
Angel, you have to be committed like Annie is.
Heartless Lass, what if, hypothetically, I was teabagged by the Jolly Green Giant?
Bossy, a man has needs!
Comments by Avitable
That is the most laughing I've done in weeks.
Even Mr. C cracked up.
I rather think of you flopping around looking like the big worm sucker thing that came out of the sewer pipe on
X-Files.
Comments by Miss Ann Thrope
I've actually gotten mad at people for what they've done to me in a dream — seems reasonable to me.
Comments by sandra
Oh Avi, you are odd. I'm sure you wouldn't have woken up if it had been your wife in your position!
By the way, I am looking forward to a broadband wireless connetion, as dialup is being a pain lately. Sorry I haven't been commenting, I've been reading...but alas the page does not seem to want to load when I want to comment.
I also can't wait to actually be able to SEE the video posts!
Comments by Miss Misery
Miss Ann, I think I looked like a multiple amputee mixed with a fish out of water.
Sandra, so I do think like a woman!
Miss Misery, I would have definitely woken up. I'm a light sleeper. I can't wait until you're online with the rest of the world and can finally fulfill your bloggy duties.
Comments by Avitable
I can really just see this happening to you and seeing that moment of realization come over your face..Just like, "That fucking twat."
Comments by Jordie
Hm. I don't think it was quite like that.
Comments by Avitable