It's not always about being funny.

Movies I hate

Saw this over at Sandwich Flats and thought I’d steal it for my own purposes. I don’t agree with all of his choices, but a few of them were spot-on. Of course, rather than pick the usual suspects, like Battlefield Earth or Catwoman, I’m going to focus on the movies that most people like that I despise.

So here are 10 movies (or groups of movies) that I hate:

  1. The Mummy and Return of the Mummy – They’re not clever. They’re not Indiana Jones-esque. They just suck. And I like Brendan Fraser, but he’s dead weight in these films.
  2. Meet the Parents and Meet the Fockers – Putting people in uncomfortable situations and having a nice protagonist get shit on for no reason is not funny. It’s bad comedy.
  3. The American Pie films – Porky’s is a good teen sex romp. These films, with the exception of Alyson Hanigan’s character, are stale pieces of shit.
  4. The Incredibles – Boring and indulgent tripe. I’d rather watch Fantastic Four twenty times then this movie once again.
  5. King Kong – It takes an hour and a half to get to the fucking island, an hour on the island, three minutes to get back to New York, and twenty-seven minutes in New York? How many fucking times can he fight a dinosaur? Why would the brontosaurs (or apatosaurs) stampede along a path that would cause half of them to plunge to their death when they’ve conceivably lived there for years? How would anyone survive that stampede while scissor kicking raptors in the head? Fuck Peter Jackson.
  6. All three LOTR movies – Did I say fuck Peter Jackson? Because I meant it. Whine, run, fight, run, whine, whine, cry, run, fight, fight, run, cry, run, fight, plus fourteen fucking endings. Ugh.
  7. Pirates of the Caribbean 2 (and presumably 3) – The first one was fun. The second one was not. At all.
  8. Old School – once again, a movie that took every predictable and obvious joke and ran them into the ground. Will Ferrell is funny in some situations, and so is Vince Vaughan. This was not one of those situations.
  9. Shrek 2 – Same jokes, different setting. It’s not clever if you just repeat what you did before. And Antonio Banderas sucks the funny out of any room.
  10. The Harry Potter films – Other than getting to watch Emma Watson get hotter as she got older, these movies have done nothing to capture the books properly. I have yet to watch a single one that was any good. Yet I keep trying!

Updated – I forgot to mention a new site that I’ll be joining. It’s called Burt Reynolds’ Mustache and 28 of the funniest fuckers on the web will be posting, alternating throughout the days of the month, myself included, of course. My first post isn’t coming up until the 10th, but the site’s first post by the blog owner will be going up sometime today, so check it out.

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79 Replies to “Movies I hate”

  1. Clown

    1, 2, 3, 7, 8, 9.
    I’m indifferent to the Incredibles.

    I’m not sure how many of those I would have thought of on my own, but the ones I mentioned I think are good choices. I enjoy the Potter movies but I haven’t read the books.

    Too tired to think of any additional movies.

  2. bluepaintred

    *The Mummy and Return of the Mummy – After we got married, we had the whole dinner and reception thingy. Then we went to our hotel for the night. Being eight zillion and a half months pregnant, we decided to rent a movie on the hotel pay seventeen bucks for a movie thing.- don’t judge us. We had no condoms- We rented the Mummy. I fell asleep fifteen minutes into it, and we have not bothered to rent the second one.

    * I love PotC, ‘cus Johnny Depp is a hot pirate!

    *I am very sad that the movies don’t do the book justice (Harry Potter) I still watch them.

    books are always better then the movies.

  3. NYC Watchdog

    I liked the Pirates movies… but I’m not happy they changed the ride because of them.

    I also like the Harry Potter movies… and not just for Emma… although by 2010 she’ll be a full blown hottie.

    I whole heartedly agree that Peter Jackson should die a terrible death at the hands of big feeted midgets. It would serve him right.

  4. Wench

    I love the first Mummy, I hate the second one.

    I love all of the Pirates movies.

    I love the Harry Potter movies (I fucking hated book 5, and wanted to bitchslap harry every 10 pages).

    I like Shrek 2 better than the first one.

    You make me cry.

  5. bobgirrl

    No fucking shit, Sherlock. Those movies ALL suck ass and I’ve been saying so forever.

    (OK, and can you stop making those boobies jiggle in the “smilies” thing? They’re making me nervous!)

  6. Angel

    I agree with you on the LOTR movies. I hate them too.

    Also, I thought Shrek 2 had a lot of “adult jokes” hidden in it to be a child’s movie. The only reference that I specifically remember right now is where Puss takes catnip out and starts talking about it.

  7. Avitable

    Clown, I think that if I hadn’t read the books, I’d like the Harry Potter films much more. And I’m sure you could come up with 100 movies that you hate – you’re that type of guy.

    Amanda, precisely why I don’t plan on seeing it, unless I’m really, really bored and it’s on HBO.

    Jenny, well, there is also the Back to the Future trilogy, which I like as much as I like the Star Wars one.

    BPR, books are always better than the movies, but when the movies skip huge parts that would have been amazing to portray in the films, or when they go for cheap gags, I just can’t bear to watch them.

    NYCWD, the ride’s not really that much different. There’s a scene with Davy Jones that’s projected onto a sheet of mist, and there are three times that Jack Sparrow pops up in an eerily animatronic way. I would have preferred that they change the entire ride and make it much more like the first movie, which was fun.

    Wench, did you go to these movies drunk? That’s the only possibility I can see.

    Bobgirrl, the boobs jiggle for you! And just click the word “Smilies” to make the box disappear.

    Mr. Fabulous, I’m assuming you meant “your hatred of LOTR did NOT come up”. And yes, an angry Mrs. Fab going for my jugular is not something I wanted, either!

    RW, I’d be interested to know what the most recently produced movie you’ve seen was.

    Angel, I think adult jokes hidden in kids’ movies make it enjoyable for the adults. It’s one reason that the Toy Story movies were good, and why the Muppet Show was so funny. The kids don’t even get that there is a joke, and the adults don’t have to poke their eyes out.

  8. ADW

    So you really are not going to like Shrek III. We got conned into taking the kids to the theater to see the movie and I FELL ASLEEP. I have never slept through a movie, not even The Majestic (worst movie – I think), and I am pissed that I lost those 83 minutes of my life.

  9. RW

    Outside of the fact that it covered every war movie cliche you could think of, was historically inaccurate (I know this because I was a member of the Lafayette Escadrille in my last life), was unremarkable in a million ways, and the actors phoned it in from time to time, it was fine.

    About the best thing about Flyboys was the art direction. They made a stupid movie full of lame actors surrounded by these beautiful sets and scenes.

    If you still needed a clue it was a dud, just imagine; halfway through instead of being into the film you’re thinking “this is a war movie and nobody has said one swear word yet.”

    And they never did. No nudity or gratuitous / obligatory fucking scene either.

  10. Poppy

    But the apostrophe isn’t right! How can you write for a misapostrophed site?! I am so kicking you off Daily Crush… (Not that you would notice.)

    How many burns was that in one paragraph? Only three? Damn, I’m losing my burn touch.

  11. Avitable

    ADW, I’m thinking about skipping it entirely.

    RW, as I thought. I don’t expect nudity, but blue language is obligatory.

    Poppy, actually it is accepted for words that end in “s” to use the apostrophe alone, rather than using “‘s” to signify possession. It’s used commonly enough that it has entered the vernacular as appropriate. Ooh – burn! :boobs3:

  12. Avitable

    Bossy, I don’t use StumbleUpon or any of those traffic whore sites. I’d rather just grow my audience more organically.

    Crystal, I don’t like Tolkien or fantasy, so that explains my hatred of LOTR. Oh, and Peter Jackson being a hack. The Potter films never do justice to the books. And I was talking about the still underaged to the point that it’s illegal Emma Watson!

  13. Paticus

    Nice list. i liked the first LOTR, but the other two I saw because my wife wanted to see them, and I took several naps.
    Amen on Meet the Parents-one of the most overrated comedies ever. I didn’t bother with Meet the Fockers. Ben Stiller needs to get back to playing assholes, he’s much more enjoyable that way.

  14. Crys

    well, i at least agree with you on Tolkien. talk about verbose—i never got into the books. i should try again, though probably not The Hobbit, which is always where i try to start. but whatever. the movies were GRAND. and Aragorn? HOT. HOT HOT HOT!!!!

    and Hermione? she’s like, a zygote

  15. heather

    Loved The Incredibles (But, I’m a big Disney fan so there ya go.) And I like the Harry Potter movies but you’re right, they’re nowhere near as good as the books. Loved Pirates 1. Pirates 2 was…OK and I have to see Pirates 3 again because I couldn’t follow it the first time.

  16. Poppy

    Oh good, because I have some questions for Jesus. Thank you for allowing me stoop space. Do you think the solicitor would mind if I had a piece of pizza? Do we care if he minds?

  17. Angel

    Hmmm, I love the new site Adam, I have bookmarked it. You make me laugh all the time, and now, I’ll be able to laugh twice a day. Only twice though. That’s the legal limit. :lmao:

  18. Avitable

    Paticus, I like him as an asshole, and I like him as a nice guy, too. But a nice guy getting shit on for no reason is just stupid.

    Poppy, I am a Pope, remember?

    Crystal, she’s a hot zygote.

    Heather, I just expected more from the Incredibles.

    Angel, I expect fourteen laughs a day, okay?

  19. themuttprincess

    I have never seen LOTR movies or the harry potter movies. It would be a waste of my time. I didn’t see King Kong either.

    I like crappy slapstick comedy. Reminds me of 80’s movies. I :heartbeat: 80’s movies.

  20. Mistress Yoda

    1. The Mummy and Return of the Mummy – Yuck.
    2. Meet the Parents and Meet the Fockers – The first one was ok but didn’t LOVE it.
    3. The American Pie films – Loved the first one, disappointed by the second one and wouldn’t even finish the third.
    4. The Incredibles – Won’t watch.
    5. King Kong – Won’t watch.
    6. All three LOTR movies – Won’t watch, I hate fantasy movies.
    7. Pirates of the Caribbean 2 (and presumably 3) – It was cute, the first one but not excited about them or anything.
    8. Old School – Vince Vaughn was the only funny part of it.
    9. Shrek 2 – Eh.
    10. The Harry Potter films – No interest. Boring.

    We have similar tastes.

  21. Webmiztris

    it’s no surpise, but I like almost 1/2 of these movies!

    although admittedly, I only watch Pirates because Johnny Depp is in it and Kong because Jack Black is in it. If I can drool over someone I lust over, I’ll watch just about anything. 🙂

  22. Avitable

    Angel, yes. At first it’s free. Then it will cost ya.

    TMP, I like many 80’s movies, too. Not all of them, though.

    Mistress Yoda, clearly you rock.

    Dawn, I’m usually that way, but I can’t get past really shitty movies.

    Mist, moustache rides are fun!

  23. Pete

    I fell asleep during the second Harry Potter movie. At the climax, really.

    And, even though I read the books as a kid, I couldn’t remember any character names, or much of what went on, in the LOTR flicks.

    They just bored me.

    And this is coming from an hombre that watched Step It Up in it’s entirety.

  24. Avitable

    Mistress Yoda, don’t start getting cocky on me now.

    Poppy, I’m an Avitapope – the only one!

    Pete, Step It Up had its redeeming qualities.

    TMP, cynical much? 😀

    Angel, twenties will do.

    Jenny, yeah, movies and television are always fun to argue over.

    Heather, you love it? It’s just not funny. It’s forced. And it’s not too raunchy for a 14-year old. He’s seen and done more than that.

    Philip, that’s a convincing argument.

  25. heather

    He’s probably already seen it which would explain why he was mortified when someone yelled “MILF” at me when we were walking into a store.

    This is my 100th comment. Do I win a prize?

  26. Amy

    1. The Mummy and Return of the Mummy – I love these movies – you are just too picky.

    2. Meet the Parents and Meet the Fockers – I sort of agree with you on this – but then there were some damn funny parts, too.

    3. The American Pie films – only saw half of the first one and I thought it sucked. But, then, I didn’t like Porky’s either.

    4. The Incredibles – Loved it and I hope they make a sequel. But, then I have kids…

    5. King Kong – Never saw it, but then, I don’t do any kind of animal movies… at all.

    6. All three LOTR movies – I didn’t read the books (yeah, that makes me a bad book person, I know, I just couldn’t get into them and preferred C.S. Lewis to Tolkein) I liked the movies even if they were a little depressing from time to time. And, I always felt sorry for Gollum no matter what.

    7. Pirates of the Caribbean 2 (and presumably 3) – Loved the first one, not so keen on the second one, read the spoiler on the third and am pretty sure they fucked up a good thing.

    8. Old School – It was so-so, I’ve only seen it once and usually if I really like something I watch it more than that. Still… Will Ferrel “streaking the quad” was pretty funny.

    9. Shrek 2 – Didn’t see it. Liked the first one.

    10. The Harry Potter films – Never got into the books or the movies. Saw the first one – it was good, but I can’t get past how poorly Harry is treated by his Aunt and Uncle and NO ONE does anything about it.

    I think this is my longest comment ever, but I wanted you to know that I put a lot of thought into it. :poke:

  27. Tug

    The only reason I liked Pirates 2 is ’cause I stared longingly at Johnny…fell asleep during the only Harry Potter I went to, so my nephews won’t go to any more movies with me – heh. But this one time, at band camp…yeah. That’s about it. I haven’t seen all you listed, but agree with the ones I have seen! yay. :boobs1: :boobs5: :assshake:

  28. cat

    I’m with you on most of these, except I did like Meet the Parents (but definitely NOT the follow up). I do think comedy has gotten more mean-spirited, though. Generally speaking.

    American Pie had shock-value. I’ll give it that. I can’t believe the brothers who did that also did some really smart comedies with heart like, “About A Boy” or “In Good Company.”

  29. Avitable

    Poppope, you’re right.

    Heather, that was me yelling that! You only win prizes for your 1,000th comment.

    Angel, I am a taker, not a giver.

    Amy, wow, you did put a lot of thought into it. I just can’t understand how you loved the Mummy movies. There was no tension and no real sense of danger or fun. It was like one of those stupid rides at Universal.

    Tug, I know lots of old ladies who fall asleep in the theaters, it’s okay! 😀

    Cat, I don’t mind mean-spirited and black comedies, as long as the characters are written appropriately. I didn’t think American Pie was shocking in the slightest – it just copied from other, better movies. And I agree with you – those guys made much better movies with the two you listed.

    Dave, I don’t like Brad Bird – I think he’s overrated. The story was boring as hell, depressing, and not fun, until the last twenty minutes.

    Karen, that’s why I don’t plan on wasting my time in the theater.

  30. Heartless Lass

    I agree with all of your choices except for Pirates and Shrek.

    I wouldn’t care if Pirates any movie to it at all as I get to drool over Johnny Depp for the entire length of the movies…and Shrek is just fun!!

    Obviously I have a soft spot for ogres. I kinda like you! :heartbeat:

  31. Greg

    Whew– I was bracing myself for “Magnolia” and “I [Heart] Huckabees,” since they’re always on people’s shitlists. I love those movies. And I hate every movie you’ve listed. Except “American Pie.” Come on, he fucked a pie! What else do you need? :sex011:

  32. Avitable

    Heartless Lass, I’ll have to remember that. (keeps green paint handy)

    Greg, are you kidding? Magnolia? Great movie! That and Punch Drunk Love are two movies I love! I haven’t gotten around to Huckabees yet, although I will someday. I like the Coens, so I’m sure I’ll like it.

  33. Tug

    Seriously. K & I are both Adam (Sandler) fans…but I called her & said “no. it HURT me to watch it”. But I still love Adam.

    SANDLER.

    and Avitable. hee :heartbeat:

  34. Carolyn

    1) I liked the Mummy, I was dragged to the cinema by friends with horrible taste in movies and wanted to hate it but I liked it. Haven’t seen the second one. Apparently Rachel Weis has opted out of the third good for her i say.

    2) haven’t seen them, don’t wanna.

    3) First one good second one bad third one, I want my money and those 2 hours back please.

    4) meh

    5) Haven’t seen it, my favourite comedic musical group did a song in one of their live shows called “Get to the fucking monkey” hilarious.

    6) *GASP* PHILISTINE!!!!!!!!

    7) I enjoyed the 2nd one while at the cinema. I went with a group to the first showing in Adelaide and we dressed up. I won a prize. When I got home I realised I hadn’t liked it. Seeing the 3rd one next week. Although I think Keira Knightly is undead.

    8) Never seen it

    9) Yeah kind of shit, I’ll still go to the thrid one.

    10) The first one was bad, the second one was really bad, the 3rd one I’d have walked out on if I hadn’t been with a group of friends. When they asked me to go to the 4th one I declined. They said it was bad, I said ‘serves you right for going’.

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