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I’m here to help.

Dog sex!

Yesterday, someone found my blog by searching Google for the following phrase: “Is it safe to have your dog lick your vagina?” I fear that this poor soul didn’t find the answer she was looking for on my site, so I wanted to help her out in case she stops by again. And since I don’t know her name, I’m just going to come up with a handy mnemonic to remember it.

So, dear Dog Fucker, the simple answer to the question “Is it safe to have your dog lick your vagina?” is, of course, yes.

The full answer is a bit more complicated than that, Dog Fucker. First of all, let me say that not only is it perfectly safe for your terrier to tongue your twat, but it’s healthy! That’s right – the saliva of the typical canine contains many anti-bacterial microbes that actually make your vagina cleaner and fresher than any household douching agent. In fact, next time you have a big date where you’re expecting Johnny to go clam diving, make sure part of your evening preparation includes letting your labrador lick your labia – Johnny will thank you later!

This brings up the corollary to your question. Now that you know that it’s safe for your pooch to pounce on your poon, how do you go about making it happen?

First of all, try some type of sweet spreadable food. Peanut butter works the best, but make sure to only use creamy! With crunchy peanut butter, the strength of your puppy’s tongue might force little licked-clean peanuts up where he can’t get to them, and then next time Johnny’s fucking you in the backseat of his car and pulls out with pieces of peanuts all over his dick, you’ll have some serious ‘splainin’ to do! Also, make sure not to use any food that requires biting. Sticking a small steak in your slit or holding a hot dog with your honey-pot is only going to risk having those sensitive parts chewed by your cuddly canine. Stick with foods that can be eaten by licking, and if you’re not sure, test it on your hand, arm, or anus first.

Now that you have the food, it’s time to set the mood. Put on some dog-themed music – I would recommend anything by Gnarles Barkley or Snoop Dogg. Then, while naked, with your food applied, approach your dog and face him or her. Give a sharp command of “Go downtown!” and then turn around, remaining on all fours. While it may seem strange, allowing Fido to freshen your funbox from the rear provides a shinier, sassier snatch than if you were to lay on your back and elevate your legs for your canine cooch cleaning.

Remain in that position until Rover has finished relishing your rat trap or until you reach orgasm, whichever comes first. And you’re done!

Dog Fucker, I wish you the best in all of your endeavors to have your Doberman devour your dickhole. And next time you need advice, all you have to do is ask! I’m here to help.

Oh, and for those of you who care, here are some of the other euphemisms I couldn’t fit in:

letting your bulldog badger your box
having your hound handle your hooha
permitting your puppy to perform on your pussy
having Spot suckle your sweet spot
letting your collie cleanse your cooter
getting a bajingo bath from Benji
getting a doggy douche from your Doberman

75 thoughts on “I’m here to help.”

  1. I am mesmerized by your euphemisms! It almost makes the Dog Fucker sound normal with so many different ways to say it…

    Okay, maybe not.

    But, it does make me consider adopting a puppy! :lmao:

  2. Peggy, I suggest going to seek solace with the closest canine.

    Sheila, don’t get a Weimaraner – I can’t think of any euphemisms for them.

    Magickat, thanks for the visit! Checkers is awesome.

    Michael, be honest. You married her on the spot, didn’t you?

    Mist, yes, but you do dirty things with your hamster.

    BPR, then why don’t you come visit on the weekends, huh? I’m here 7 days a week.

    Karen, I’m very genteel. It’s the subject matter that’s crude. I blush easily, too.

    Geeky, you just make three columns of words – one for synonyms of dogs, one for synonyms of licking, and one for snynonyms of vaginas, and then you start choosing at random!

    Usedtobeme, I need help? She needed help with having a dogtown vag wash. I just obliged! 🙂

    Mr. Fabulous, it was the word anus, wasn’t it? I knew that would do it to you.

  3. RW, this is your type of topic, isn’t it?

    Clown, well, next time, put mittens on him!

    AnnieB, they don’t have the instinct for loving that dogs do.

    MD, I don’t think that dogs have smooth tongues either. Maybe they just know how to use it.

    RW, cat got your tongue? Or dog got your vagina?

  4. I thought I had read it all here. You even included a picture that (while not illustrated by you) clearly shows what you are talking about!! I love it. So, did you get Jigsaw’s input on this?

  5. I’m slightly confused to what the guy is getting out of the situation. The woman does not appear to have a strap on and he is on bottom not able to watch.

    Based on her ugly face, it’s possible she is a he. It looks to have taken place in the late seventies so implants are probably out as the breasts look natural. Estrogen alone couldn’t produce such results so I’m convinced she is a hermaphrodite. Not only did you post bestiality, but also hermaphrodite sex.

  6. How about a little alliteration?

    Dingo Drilling your Dillhole???

    What a great way to start out my Monday morning. I have a funeral to attend this afternoon and maybe thinking about this post will keep me from being too sad!!!

  7. Angel, I can always come up with a surprise. Jigsaw’s a lady – she’d never talk about such a subject.

    Clown, I think they’re both women, but I think you’re right that she’s a hermaphrodite. Good eyes!

    ADW, you’re kidding right? Did you read what I wrote? It’s 90% alliteration.

    Dawn, let’s not judge poor ol’ Dog Fucker.

    Heather, don’t you have a dog?

  8. The InBrittable Hulk, I’m just helping a girl out. A sick, twisted, dog fucking girl. And what exactly did you do to Jigsaw while you were here?

    Crystal, Victorians did lots of dirty things with dogs.

    Angel, she is a cuddler.

  9. Do people NOT know, or not care, that search terms can be linked to their personal computer?
    I mean, it’s not like typing in “how to kill my husband” but still.
    What do you want to bet Dog Fucker is Googling this from her work computer and is gonna WHINE when she gets fired? Or molested.

  10. I have now clicked and magnified this picture quite a few times and all I can say is, so… like… what’s in it for the girl on the bottom? What is she? Decoration??

  11. Tug, well, that was the point.

    Heather, is your pussy red?

    RW, yeah – read up a few comments. We have decided that the top girl is a hermaphrodite.

    Poppy, you may want to get your prescription checked!

    Metalmom, it’s okay – we won’t judge you. We’re nonjudgmental here.

  12. In stead of asking why this sort of thing happens to you more oft than not I’ll just say thank you for taking on the responcibility of guiding the misguided so I do not have that burden to bear.

  13. Heather, it’s more fun to make you tell me you’re blushing than to hide behind a smiley!

    Mist, I hope you have signed documentation to back that up.

    Angel, yeah, she was adorable as a puppy.

    AnnieB, I am an expert in all things profane.

    Brandi, it is a heavy burden to shoulder.

    Sybil, thanks for the visit! Are you Dog Fucker?

    Tracy, she’s safe with me. I’m allergic to peanut butter.

  14. EWWWW…did you just approve the desires of this bitch to let her “terrier tongue her twat”?

    Good GAWD almighty.

    I have been an ASPCA member for 6 years and this is most definitely getting reported TODAY.

    Bestiality is wrong.

    Give me her IP address PULEEZE. I wanna track this hoe DOWN.

    Poor little pup.

    I’m really sad now. :crying:

  15. MsFreud, they’re probably having sex right now.

    Dragon, it’s my nature. My sexual nature!

    Michael, good point. You’re clearly a financial genius.

    Cat, wow is right!

    Angel, very nice.

    Mistress, I don’t have that IP. Dogs like peanut butter, though.

  16. I am not Dog Fucker, but anytime I have any sort of random question, I will be sure to come to you for advice! I would love to link you to my blog. (Not that anyone reads it, but still.)Interestingly enough, I swear I knew a girl in 4th grade who told me she did this with her dog. (The dog was a Yorkie. I am not sure why I felt I needed to clarify that!)) She could very well be your Dog Fucker, wanting answers 24 years later!

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