Yesterday, someone found my blog by searching Google for the following phrase: "Is it safe to have your dog lick your vagina?" I fear that this poor soul didn't find the answer she was looking for on my site, so I wanted to help her out in case she stops by again. And since I don't know her name, I'm just going to come up with a handy mnemonic to remember it.
So, dear Dog Fucker, the simple answer to the question "Is it safe to have your dog lick your vagina?" is, of course, yes.
The full answer is a bit more complicated than that, Dog Fucker. First of all, let me say that not only is it perfectly safe for your terrier to tongue your twat, but it's healthy! That's right - the saliva of the typical canine contains many anti-bacterial microbes that actually make your vagina cleaner and fresher than any household douching agent. In fact, next time you have a big date where you're expecting Johnny to go clam diving, make sure part of your evening preparation includes letting your labrador lick your labia - Johnny will thank you later!
This brings up the corollary to your question. Now that you know that it's safe for your pooch to pounce on your poon, how do you go about making it happen?
First of all, try some type of sweet spreadable food. Peanut butter works the best, but make sure to only use creamy! With crunchy peanut butter, the strength of your puppy's tongue might force little licked-clean peanuts up where he can't get to them, and then next time Johnny's fucking you in the backseat of his car and pulls out with pieces of peanuts all over his dick, you'll have some serious 'splainin' to do! Also, make sure not to use any food that requires biting. Sticking a small steak in your slit or holding a hot dog with your honey-pot is only going to risk having those sensitive parts chewed by your cuddly canine. Stick with foods that can be eaten by licking, and if you're not sure, test it on your hand, arm, or anus first.
Now that you have the food, it's time to set the mood. Put on some dog-themed music - I would recommend anything by Gnarles Barkley or Snoop Dogg. Then, while naked, with your food applied, approach your dog and face him or her. Give a sharp command of "Go downtown!" and then turn around, remaining on all fours. While it may seem strange, allowing Fido to freshen your funbox from the rear provides a shinier, sassier snatch than if you were to lay on your back and elevate your legs for your canine cooch cleaning.
Remain in that position until Rover has finished relishing your rat trap or until you reach orgasm, whichever comes first. And you're done!
Dog Fucker, I wish you the best in all of your endeavors to have your Doberman devour your dickhole. And next time you need advice, all you have to do is ask! I'm here to help.
Oh, and for those of you who care, here are some of the other euphemisms I couldn't fit in:
letting your bulldog badger your box
having your hound handle your hooha
permitting your puppy to perform on your pussy
having Spot suckle your sweet spot
letting your collie cleanse your cooter
getting a bajingo bath from Benji
getting a doggy douche from your Doberman
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I don't know if it's this post or the Ambien but I've got some serious shit happening in my head right now.
Comments by Peggy
I am mesmerized by your euphemisms! It almost makes the Dog Fucker sound normal with so many different ways to say it...
Okay, maybe not.
But, it does make me consider adopting a puppy!
Comments by Sheila
Ha! Found your blog from "Tiny Voices..." comment page. Just wanted to second the motion that Checkers rules.
Love the blog - I'll be back!
Comments by magickat
I knew a girl who said she liked to let her pet dog lick her.
Okay then, I moved on.
Comments by Michael
I'm not a dog person.
Comments by Mist 1
I would like to point out that it is exactly this kind of shit that keeps me coming back for more.
amusement factor ten
Comments by bluepaintred
you are one rude, crude dude & i LOVE you for it! doberman devour your dickhole? that's top notch crass! bravo!!
Comments by karen
Bajingo bath from Benji — how do you come up with these "euphemisms"? Love it!
Comments by Geeky Tai-Tai
I swear on all that is holy, you need help. But don't get it! Stay as you are! I love this you. A new, helped Avi just wouldn't be the same. Don't evah change!
Comments by usedtobeme
I am soooo turned on right now.
Comments by Mr. Fabulous
Peggy, I suggest going to seek solace with the closest canine.
Sheila, don't get a Weimaraner - I can't think of any euphemisms for them.
Magickat, thanks for the visit! Checkers is awesome.
Michael, be honest. You married her on the spot, didn't you?
Mist, yes, but you do dirty things with your hamster.
BPR, then why don't you come visit on the weekends, huh? I'm here 7 days a week.
Karen, I'm very genteel. It's the subject matter that's crude. I blush easily, too.
Geeky, you just make three columns of words - one for synonyms of dogs, one for synonyms of licking, and one for snynonyms of vaginas, and then you start choosing at random!
Usedtobeme, I need help? She needed help with having a dogtown vag wash. I just obliged! :)
Mr. Fabulous, it was the word anus, wasn't it? I knew that would do it to you.
Comments by Avitable
Um...
Comments by RW
Those are some hideous boots.
I'm also disappointed that the dog in your picture is not wearing mittens.
Comments by Clown
I think she should go with cats ... no messy food involved since they already like the smell of fish.
Comments by AnnieB
But cats have a rough tongue.......
Comments by Misfit Duck
Er...
Comments by RW
RW, this is your type of topic, isn't it?
Clown, well, next time, put mittens on him!
AnnieB, they don't have the instinct for loving that dogs do.
MD, I don't think that dogs have smooth tongues either. Maybe they just know how to use it.
RW, cat got your tongue? Or dog got your vagina?
Comments by Avitable
I thought I had read it all here. You even included a picture that (while not illustrated by you) clearly shows what you are talking about!! I love it. So, did you get Jigsaw's input on this?
Comments by Angel
I'm slightly confused to what the guy is getting out of the situation. The woman does not appear to have a strap on and he is on bottom not able to watch.
Based on her ugly face, it's possible she is a he. It looks to have taken place in the late seventies so implants are probably out as the breasts look natural. Estrogen alone couldn't produce such results so I'm convinced she is a hermaphrodite. Not only did you post bestiality, but also hermaphrodite sex.
Comments by Clown
How about a little alliteration?
Dingo Drilling your Dillhole???
What a great way to start out my Monday morning. I have a funeral to attend this afternoon and maybe thinking about this post will keep me from being too sad!!!
Comments by ADW
I don't think "is it healthy?" is the question she should be asking herself. maybe "would I be a total freak if I did this?" and the answer is YESSSSSSSS.
Comments by webmiztris
Um. Uh. Gives new meaning to doggy style.
Comments by heather
Angel, I can always come up with a surprise. Jigsaw's a lady - she'd never talk about such a subject.
Clown, I think they're both women, but I think you're right that she's a hermaphrodite. Good eyes!
ADW, you're kidding right? Did you read what I wrote? It's 90% alliteration.
Dawn, let's not judge poor ol' Dog Fucker.
Heather, don't you have a dog?
Comments by Avitable
Adam, I love Jigsaw...Can she sleep over tonight?
Comments by Angel
Yes. I was kidding. I love alliteration. I also love Onomatopoeia - like Queef (sp?)....
Comments by ADW
Angel, no sleepovers. Who knows what dirty things you'll make her do!
ADW, like "OMG LASERS PEWPEWPEW".
Comments by Avitable
I'm just, uh, hmmm... yeah... seriously wrong Avi. Seriously. Wrong.
And? I can't believe I pet your dog while I was there.
Comments by Miss Britt
this entiiiiiiiiiiiiiiire post deeply scandalized my Victorian sensibilities.
Comments by Crys
Adam, I'd spoil her rotten....No dirty things here...I'm not a dog fucker. I just like to cuddle them. :)
Comments by Angel
The InBrittable Hulk, I'm just helping a girl out. A sick, twisted, dog fucking girl. And what exactly did you do to Jigsaw while you were here?
Crystal, Victorians did lots of dirty things with dogs.
Angel, she is a cuddler.
Comments by Avitable
I just pet the damn thing. But knowing you and your expertise in all things dog, I'm a little nervous about why the fur was so damn soft.
Comments by Miss Britt
And also?
Why aren't you messaging me? Or calling me? Do you think I don't still need smokes and distractions just because I work from home now?
Dog fucker.
Comments by Miss Britt
The neighbor's dog enjoys licking the brush we use to clean our grill so perhaps you could recommend that to the dog molester.
Comments by Poppy
Too Big for Her Brittches, her shampoo might have some extra protein.
Poppy, steak juice would definitely work very well, too.
Comments by Avitable
Ewwww, just ewwww.
Comments by Amy
I once walked in on a roommate FULLY getting off on her dog licking her peanut butter snatch. Good times.
Comments by Hilly
Do people NOT know, or not care, that search terms can be linked to their personal computer?
I mean, it's not like typing in "how to kill my husband" but still.
What do you want to bet Dog Fucker is Googling this from her work computer and is gonna WHINE when she gets fired? Or molested.
Comments by annie
Amy, don't you mean "Mmmmmm, just mmmmm". Who knows what you do with Sophie!
Hilly, really? Wow. Was she able to look you in the eye afterwards?
Comments by Avitable
shudder.
Comments by Jordie
oh....my....God....how disturbing (and strangely erotic)
Comments by metalmom
Absolutely amazing alliteration.
Comments by Nessa
Jordie, yeah, Dog Fucker's a creepy one.
Metalmom, so, is THAT how you found my blog? You're Dog Fucker, aren't you?
Nessa, I'm an apt alphabetical artiste.
Comments by Avitable
allowing Fido to freshen your funbox
Is it wrong that I'm laughing my ASS off at this???
Comments by Tug
No Avi. I don't have a dog. I'm a cat person.
Yeah yeah. Let the pussy jokes begin.
Comments by heather
I have now clicked and magnified this picture quite a few times and all I can say is, so... like... what's in it for the girl on the bottom? What is she? Decoration??
Comments by RW
RW, both of those "women" look like men to me so I think they're both getting stuffed.
Comments by Poppy
Sorry to burst your bubble, but I am not Dog Fucker. Although I have been called a bitch quite frequently.
Comments by metalmom
Tug, well, that was the point.
Heather, is your pussy red?
RW, yeah - read up a few comments. We have decided that the top girl is a hermaphrodite.
Poppy, you may want to get your prescription checked!
Metalmom, it's okay - we won't judge you. We're nonjudgmental here.
Comments by Avitable
I needed a post like this worse than a terrier tongue-bath. Thank you, Avi! I think I love you.
Comments by Mrs. Brain Bombs
Oh sorry... too busy magnifying the photo...
Comments by RW
Mrs. BB, I'm happy to oblige!
RW, now we see what you do when you're unemployed!
Comments by Avitable
Why do you not have a blushing smiley?
Comments by heather
It's a guinea pig and it's consensual.
Comments by Mist 1
I just saw a picture of Jigsaw as a baby via a link on Poppy's page. I'm in love!!!
Comments by Angel
Then I defer to you since I am lacking the "paws on" experience you so obviously have.
Comments by AnnieB
In stead of asking why this sort of thing happens to you more oft than not I'll just say thank you for taking on the responcibility of guiding the misguided so I do not have that burden to bear.
Comments by Brandi
You're a sick fucker and I absolutely love it! I've been reading your blog quietly now for a while, but today I just had to comment.
Comments by Sybil Law
I'm now wondering about poor Jigsaw.
Comments by Tracy Lynn
Heather, it's more fun to make you tell me you're blushing than to hide behind a smiley!
Mist, I hope you have signed documentation to back that up.
Angel, yeah, she was adorable as a puppy.
AnnieB, I am an expert in all things profane.
Brandi, it is a heavy burden to shoulder.
Sybil, thanks for the visit! Are you Dog Fucker?
Tracy, she's safe with me. I'm allergic to peanut butter.
Comments by Avitable
Bossy can't leave a comment because she is busy throwing up her dinner. Thank you for that. Maybe she'll fit into her bathing suit.
Comments by BOSSY
Maybe I should change my tagline.
"Avitable: #1 Sponsor of Bulimia!"
Comments by Avitable
That makes me think even worse about my strange ass neighbor... the typical trailer trash pig who got that dog awhile back...
*shudder*
Comments by MsFreud
You make everything sound dirty.
Comments by Dragon
No I didn't I couldn't afford a wife and a dog.
Comments by Michael
Wow. The picture. Wow. The google word search. Wow. Your response! Wow. LOL.
Comments by cat
http://www.ilovewavs.com/comedy/Music/Misc/Wash%20the%20Coochie%20Honey.WAV
Comments by Angel
EWWWW...did you just approve the desires of this bitch to let her "terrier tongue her twat"?
Good GAWD almighty.
I have been an ASPCA member for 6 years and this is most definitely getting reported TODAY.
Bestiality is wrong.
Give me her IP address PULEEZE. I wanna track this hoe DOWN.
Poor little pup.
I'm really sad now.
Comments by Mistress
MsFreud, they're probably having sex right now.
Dragon, it's my nature. My sexual nature!
Michael, good point. You're clearly a financial genius.
Cat, wow is right!
Angel, very nice.
Mistress, I don't have that IP. Dogs like peanut butter, though.
Comments by Avitable
I am not Dog Fucker, but anytime I have any sort of random question, I will be sure to come to you for advice! I would love to link you to my blog. (Not that anyone reads it, but still.)Interestingly enough, I swear I knew a girl in 4th grade who told me she did this with her dog. (The dog was a Yorkie. I am not sure why I felt I needed to clarify that!)) She could very well be your Dog Fucker, wanting answers 24 years later!
Comments by Sybil Law
You can ask any question - I'll answer in the least honest and most horrifying way possible.
Comments by Avitable
Thanks for the information. Now I'm all embarrassed that you called me out on it.
Comments by Kentucky Girl
If I thought you actually liked dogs enough to let them do that, I'd buy it. But you're an animal-tolerater, not an animal lover.
Comments by Avitable
Hahahahaha!! thats some funny shit
Comments by Jared
Was it you, Jared?
Comments by Avitable