It's not always about being funny.

The horror

I poke my head into the bathroom. The counter is bare. My wife, being fastidious, must have cleaned out all of the comic books, novels, magazines, and other detritus that is usually stacked in the corner. I can’t help it – the bathroom is my library, my happy place, my throne room. And I always need plenty of reading material, since I’m in there for 20-30 minutes at a time.

With a rising urgency, I scan the surrounding area for something to read. There’s nothing there. How, in a house that I own, can there be NOTHING to read? I start searching around the house – living room, zilch. Game room, zippo. Dining room, nada. Finally, I hit paydirt. Sitting on the kitchen counter, with a light shining on it and angelic voices singing from above, a new Entertainment Weekly represented my salvation. Immensely relieved, I grab it and enter my porcelain palace.

I sit down and sigh contentedly as I open the first page of the magazine. Unfortunately, it’s filled with American Idol nonsense. I’ve never seen an episode and the whole concept is physically repulsive to me, as is almost any reality television. I skip the intro and look for the articles and celebrity gossip, but only find more American Idol tripe. I continue skipping ahead, looking for something fruitful, but I am turned away at every page. Page after page is filled with nothing but fucking American Idol!

With mounting dread, I turn to the front cover and look carefully. This isn’t an Entertainment Weekly – this is the Entertainment Weekly American Idol supplement! Those weasely fuckers tricked me, and now I’m stuck in the bathroom for at least 20 minutes with nothing to read.

On the plus side, I now have all of the ingredients of the body washes, soaps, and shampoos that we have in that bathroom memorized, since I had nothing else to do but read them over and over and over again.

It was the third worst day of my entire life.

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76 Replies to “The horror”

  1. Angel

    I cannot help but laugh at the fact that this is filed under “Serious Stuff”!! My husband thinks it is “Serious Stuff” when I remove all of his stupid comic books that he has strategically hidden placed through the house so that they are readily available when he so calls for them.

    In my opinion he can walk his ass to his office and get them off of the shelf each time he wants to read them, and put them back when he is done.

  2. Avitable

    Angel, when you’ve got 25,000 comics, like I do, you can’t just stick them on the shelf.

    BPR, someday I may regale you with those tales.

    Sheila, I’m sure Denatonium Benzoate is something that’s good for me.

    Jenny, it always does.

    Doctawife, I don’t use public restrooms. Ever.

    Karen, why would that be a problem? It’s my Fortress of Solitude.

    NYCWD, brilliant idea! I wonder if she’ll notice . . .

    AnnieB, finally, some sympathy. Thank you!

    Mr. Fabulous, seriously? Doesn’t every man do that? You probably pee sitting down, too!

    Heather, no, she just gets annoyed at my clutter.

    Poppy, it’s my quiet time and my personal space that is completely free of other people. I probably spend upwards of 2 hours a day in the bathroom, using the bathroom, showering, etc.

  3. onetallmomma

    Good to know that I am not the only one who has resorted to reading the label on the shampoo/body wash/toothpaste/tampon box in desperation. Now, I keep old issues of The New Yorker in a neat pile on the floor and forbid my children to take them out of the bathroom just to read the cartoons. It helps that I am the only adult in the house! No one picks up but me.

  4. Miss Britt

    Adam, why do you need an “alone” place? You have no kids and your wife regularly leaves town for work for long periods of time. If anyone needed 20-30 minutes of crap time LESS – well, I can’t think who would be.

    I do, however, sympathize with the obsessive need to read SOMETHING – including the ingredients list and detail “how to directions” on various products.

  5. Avitable

    Onetallmomma, yeah, I always need reading material.

    Paticus, so you can understand my horror!

    The MisBritts, I have a house full of employees all day long – that’s worse than kids anytime! And I knew I :heartbeat: you for a reason – I’m glad you’re as crazy as I am.

  6. Julianne

    I am the exact same way (surprise) when it comes to eating a meal, especially at a restaurant. People who dine with me have just come to accept the fact that I will have my head buried in a book…except Dennis, he refuses to let me. I even read at Thanksgiving. The few times I was “stranded” eating without a book, I read the desert/drink menu over and over and every sign on the wall. It was horrible, miserable times. You have my sympathy!

  7. Hyperion

    Getting caught with horrible reading material in the bathroom can be a traumatizing experience. You know all you have to do is ignore it, yet sitting there you feel compelled to read what’s available, if only for the sheer perversity.

    Particularly horrible times have included:

    1) A Family Circus Jumbo book. It’s bad enough I get assaulted once a day by Bil “I’m too fucking cool for the second L in my name” Keane in the local paper, but an entire book? Murder.

    2) Walden, by Thoreau. That ever happens again and I swear I’m drinking the shampoo.

    3) G.I. JOE (Issue #2) – This was absolute torture. As any comic fan knows, G.I. JOE #2 is the holy grail (#1 didn’t have anyone in it), and I found myself with it after three years of searching. Without thinking I took said issue into the bathroom straight home from the comic-book store, only to realize that I couldn’t open the mylar in the unsterile environment of a fully-in-use bathroom. (Touching the paper with my bare hands would reduce the value by several hundred dollars, but God forbid a stain should appear?) Getting through that time without ripping open the issue was one of the hardest things I’ve ever done.

  8. Avitable

    Poppy, mainly just crying and cutting myself.

    Julianne, yes, I know exactly how you are! You’re worse than anyone I know.

    Dragon, I am indeed a brat.

    Pete, why do you even know that name? Sigh.

    Hyperion, I think I’d slit my wrists if all I had to read was a Family Circus Jumbo book.

  9. ADW

    I love how your mind works. I do the same thing and once, when I was really in a “pinch”, I read the instruction manual and warnings out of a box of tampons. Do you KNOW how scary that shit is? Seriously, take time to read it, it makes you feel like there is a good chance you will die if you use a tampon. (a la Britt’s post from a while back)

    Also, I think I now know how to pronounce the multisyllabic words on the back of my different body wash bottles.

  10. Avitable

    ADW, oh, I’ve read the instructions on a box of tampons and on a box of Summer’s Eve. It’s creepy!

    TMP, I keep Playboy in there. But I don’t consider that porn.

    Mist, I fear that if I did that, I’d stay in there forever.

    Angel, therapy? For comic books? There’s nothing wrong with that!

  11. Poppy

    TMP, porn isn’t appropriate bathroom reading material? How about an appropriate bathroom activity? Is it okay to do porn in the bathroom?! Crying out loud, what kind of guy censors porn in the bathroom?!

  12. Miss Britt

    You don’t consider Playboy porn?!

    I think, as a rule, anything you whack it like a mad man to is porn.

    Although, I guess if that’s true than you’d have to consider Hanson’s Mmm’Bop porn too.

  13. Avitable

    Mistress Yoda, I knew you were a kindred spirit.

    Tug, I try to hide books in the drawers, but she finds them!

    Poppy, porn isn’t good bathroom reading – I wouldn’t want it in there, either.

    Britting off into the Sunset, that middle Hanson chick was hot.

    Tug, you’ve never masturbated to Hanson?

  14. Amy

    I hate American Idol, I’ve never watched it, never voted, and will never do so.

    You know, you mentioned that there was a lack of comments on These Walls because no one pushed it? Did you happen to notice that you and I pimped it today but our esteemed colleague did not? Someone needs to pull their traffic weight around here, don’t you think?? Hmmmm??

  15. Tug

    Poppy – I vote yes for what it’s worth. :sex023: :3some:

    Avi – Um, no…I haven’t. Never say never I guess, but um……..still a no. If that changes, you’ll be the 1st (or 2nd as the case may be) to know.

    :boobs5: :assshake:

  16. Webmiztris

    it finally just hit me who you remind me of, avi…

    Ignatius J. Reilly, the star character of the book A Confederacy of Dunces!!!

    ever read it?

    great book. you should keep a copy in your bathroom. 😉

  17. Avitable

    Crystal, if it’s not the height of it, it’s definitely close.

    Amy, who says she’s esteemed?

    Poppy, sometimes.

    Tug, go ahead and MMMBop yourself! We’ll wait!

    Brittsaster, I remember actually thinking that when the video first came out. Sigh.

    Dawn, except the protagonist is a lazy fucker who lives with his parents and has to try to get a job. While I’m sedentary due to my job, it’s not exactly slothful.

  18. Poppy

    Avi, phew! Otherwise I might have needed to feel bad about some stuff.

    Tug, thank you for siding with me!

    Dawn, that is my favorite book.

    Avi, regarding your Ignatius defense: I completely agree with you.

    Look, I made a sandwich! :3some:

  19. Avitable

    Mistress Yoda, wow, I feel blessed!

    Poppy, I’ve never read the book – I was just going off of the summary. I’m glad I wasn’t wrong about that.

    Britt’s a Deal!, luckily, he has short hair. If he had long hair, we might have a misunderstanding on our hands.

    Tug, have fun.

    Marti, I like my unibrow just the way it is!

  20. Avitable

    Brittiful, you would be the world’s worst lesbian!

    Mistress Yoda, luckily, I have a good anti-virus program.

    TMP, I actually just read the articles. It’s the only thing that interests me.

  21. Miss Britt

    Well duh.

    I’m a taker, not a giver.

    And I have never been able to figure out what “fucking” means in lesbian language. If EVERYTHING is considered fucking than my rules about “well at least we didn’t have sex” would be out the window.

    I cannot be a lesbian if it instantly makes me a selfish whore.

    Or more of one. Whatever.

  22. Avitable

    Brittmouse, do you think you could become MORE of a selfish whore? I don’t know . . .

    Amy, okay, okay. I’ll admit that I would make a horrible lesbian, too.

    TMP, seriously – I don’t find Playmates attractive. Too airbrushed and fake looking. My wife and I both read Playboy for the articles.

  23. Miss Britt

    I could indeed be more of a selfish whore.

    For instance, I could blackmail you into a larger salary. And insurance. And moving expenses. And paying me to start now while I learn from my home office.

    See? It could totally be worse.

  24. Amy

    @ Miss B – :clap: :thumbsup: :lmao:

    Avi – how many times have I told you NOT to feed, poke, or play with the Britt… you KNOW she BITES and NOT the way you like!!!


  25. usedtobeme

    You poor bastard. I couldn’t live if there weren’t a twelve inch stack of mags on the back of the toilet. It is the only quiet place in my house. No kids. No dogs. The Man won’t even come in there if he things I’m doinmahbidnes

  26. Avitable

    Nessa, thank you. Hopefully Jeebus will hear your prayers.

    Sybil Law, I explained that earlier – it’s my fortress of solitude.

    Brittchcakes, that would just make you evil.

    Tracy, exactly! I’ve done that many times.

    Amy, she is a cutie when she gets her panties in a bunch.

    Usedtobeme, nobody’s allowed in the bathroom when I’m in there – it’s my happy place.

  27. The Queen

    Good Lord Av…. there’s gotta be a box of tampons in your bathroom somewhere. You could spent your whole thirty minutes totally engrossed (and grossed) over the fifteen page insert, instructions (with handy diagrams in case, you know – you don’t know what a vagina looks like) and health and safety warnings and got all up to speed on that subject.

  28. Avitable

    Queen, I’ve read those in the past – the fold-outs are particularly informative.

    Britt’s too fucking late to think of something that rhymes with Britt, you needed them – you’re the one who lost something up there!

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