So, during a conversation with a couple of whores, I was told that I am very careful to use my blog to display a certain image, and that much of my true self never comes out online. And at first I resisted, trying to explain to these clearly retarded individuals that I am mean and snarky. I do hate people who aren't my friends. And while I am nice and try to be considerate to those few people that I've determined deserve my affection and attention, I do honestly feel that the rest of the world can suck my testicles. However, I also realized that maybe the girls had a point. Maybe they're actually gorgeous, sexy geniuses.
So, after some thought, I decided to use my magical artistic ability to illustrate the difference between the image I project, and the reality of my life.
First, here is the image of myself I project with my blog. You can click for a larger version.
and, behind the fold, you can see the reality of my life.
If you're new to the horrors of Avitable.com, don't miss out. Subscribe to my RSS feed!
Did you like this post?
posted by 
filed under 
tagged 
Ha! I'm first!
Comments by Miss Britt
and also...
1) there are pants in the second picture - false.
2) there are no red shoelaces in the second picture - false.
3) your wife is not stylishly dressed in the second picture - also false.
But the no voting thing cracked my ass up. So I will totally not comment on the fact that you STILL refuse to be honest and open about who you are.
Comments by Miss Britt
OK, I lied. I can't stand it.
Adam - we aren't saying that you should change how you blog, at all. We're merely saying that you don't have the balls to be as personal and put yourself out there to risk being judged.
Like we do.
Cuz we rock. And are brave. And have balls.
Even if they are yours.
Comments by Miss Britt
Can you tell me where you get your horse semen in the industrial-sized gallon jugs? Because I can only find it in those tiny half-ounce plastic bottles, and I'm sure it would be much cheaper to buy it in bulk like you do...
Comments by Dave2
I totally have to back Miss B's game here. It's true we are incredibly sexy geniuses - and we are also 100% correct (mostly because we are women and we are cool like that).
And what is up with the wife and baby in the pic? Are you trying to tell us something????
See... even a conversation like that... you had to run out (not literally, we know you never go anywhere) and quickly make a joke to cover the possibility that we just might have a valid argument.
Comments by Amy
Dave - don't tell anyone, but he totally gets it at Wal-Mart. He secretly LOOOOVES Wal-Mart.
Comments by Miss Britt
wait. i so want to say the second picture is bullshit. a baby? a salad? as fucking if!
but at the same time, I just can't see you fucking the snake from the first picture. Not after what happened last time anyways...
I want a third option.
Comments by bluepaintred
Your baby has no arms. That's the whole truth to the second drawing isn't it... you've got a baby with no arms and you don't want to talk about it. Its okay. We're here to support you.
Comments by Sheila
you scrub up nicely.
Comments by Jacki
Hmmm...I think that the real you is somewhere in between number one and number two.
Comments by Angel
I like the dark and evil version better.
OK, so it's the only version of you that I know...I still like it.
Comments by DeniseTN
Hey, as long as there's going to be testicle sucking, I'm okay with either one.
Comments by DaisyJo
Your post is weirdly kind of related to mine from today and yesterday. Two sides of the coin.
You can't fool me, though. The truth lies somewhere in the middle.
Although if I am wrong, can you hook me up with a couple of underage hookers?
Comments by Mr. Fabulous
Hmmm. Who is the real Adam?
Comments by heather
I'll tell you who he is: A very gentle lover.
Comments by Mr. Fabulous
That's what my hubby says Mr. Fab...
Comments by Angel
Adam, there's a rabbit hiding in your salad...
Comments by RW
Oh Come On! Make up your mind!
What are they:
a) a couple of whores
b) clearly retarded individuals
or
c) gorgeous, sexy geniuses?
Comments by DutchBitch
RW you just reminded me why I keep meaning to visit your site. What a sly, delicious sense of humor you have.
Comments by AnnieB
NarciBrittstic, I just think that your idea of personal and my idea of personal are two different things. I focus on the embarrassing things I've done, the stupid things, and the hilarious things. Those are pretty personal.
Dave, Horsesemen.com, of course. And don't listen to Britt, I refuse to step foot into a Wal-Mart.
Amy, to be honest, the original "reality" image was going to be me prancing around, spraying room sprays, giggling, and listening to Avril Lavigne. But everybody already knows all of that about me.
BPR, you don't think that I have a big cross on my wall and that I vote Republican and give to Goodwill and wear a suit and tie?
Sheila, BWAHAHAHAHA! Very nice. Thank you for supporting me, Amy, and Thor, our tiny, armless baby.
Jacki, I'm actually a shower fanatic.
Angel, what if I told you that #2 is completely, 100% true?
Denise, I like it too.
DaisyJo, so you're a fan of sucking balls? Good to see I'm not the only one.
Mr. Fabulous, well, you've met me, so you know that #2 is all true. Although, I didn't show you the underaged hooker room.
Heather, either way, redheads are still my favorite.
Mr. Fab, you were drugged on Roofies - you don't remember if it was gentle or rough.
Angel, about you or me? Because with me, he and I practice some rough stuff.
RW, my depiction of those big wooden salad forks wasn't good enough for you? Maybe there is a rabbit sneaking in to eat all of the delicious greens that we were about to eat for dinner.
DB, they're all of the above. Sexy whorish retards.
AnnieB, he is very sly. Keep ahold of your panties if you choose to visit him.
Comments by Avitable
I'm confused about the baby.
Comments by Mistress Yoda
I love that the lube has a pump action top - and it's bigger than the giant jug of horse spoot. Even my gyno doesn't have a bottle that big..
Comments by ADW
Why did you draw Amy TWICE with no boobies?! That's just mean.
And salad for dinner, hehehehehehehehehe. Oh, that's funny. If your real life were picture #2 we would so not be friends because you wouldn't dare to associate with me.
Comments by Poppy
Thanks for the tip. Forewarned is forearmed. Hmmmm, I wonder what color he prefers ...
Comments by AnnieB
Well I suppose that could be.
Which is not the same as me consenting or anything. Or saying you're right. Or anything remotely like that.
I'm just saying...
I suppose that could be.
Comments by Miss Britt
Mistress Yoda, what's confusing about our armless baby Thor?
ADW, well, I use more than any Ob/Gyn ever will.
Poppy, I only draw naked women with boobies. The ones who are dressed are stick figures. And my real life is picture #2!
AnnieB, he seems like a fan of white, to me.
MicrodermaBrittion, but now I've told the real truth about myself with picture #2. You've met me - you know it's true.
Comments by Avitable
Yep, the salad gave it away. Pigmeat, cheese and some cow just calls out to you.
And your wifey seems to be flat as a board - this coming from you with all the boobies around?
Comments by Tug
The salad in the second picture is a dead giveaway of fakeness. I've seen you eat Oreos... and anyone who eats Oreos like that can't willingly eat salad.
I love the snake to fuck in the first picture. I knew it was really you fucking that thing.
Comments by NYC Watchdog
as ever, the truth lies somewhere in the middle. OF YER ARSE
Comments by Crys
I know the reality portrait is bullshit...
you don't own any pants to give to Goodwill!!!
Comments by Webmiztris
Tug, maybe I actually eat salad all the time! And she's not flat-chested - she's a stick figure.
NYCWD, how about Oreo salad?
Crystal, actually, I don't know if there's a single thing in the "reality" drawing that is accurate.
Dawn, maybe I've just been lying this whole time!
Comments by Avitable
You do have a bunch of smart shit books. Well, you did, before you unloaded them on me. I suspect you have a few lying around there still.
And you do have something signed by the Bush's. /shudder
Comments by Miss Britt
They're all Amy's!
And that picture was done as a joke.
Comments by Avitable
So what you're saying, if I read between the lines, is that we are not friends. Good to know.
Comments by Poppy
Sure, sure. It's OK baby, you don't have to hide your love for Republitards from me.
Well, yes, actually you DO if you have any hope of me ever moving down there.
And... Amy is into career marketing now, too?
Comments by Miss Britt
Poppy, you and my armless baby Thor can be friends!
Brick Britthouse, well, I don't consider those types of book to be snooty smart books.
Comments by Avitable
Hey, what DO you consider to be snooty smart books? Because I may have a few I can lend you.
Comments by Miss Britt
Anything in Amy's bookcases. :)
Comments by Avitable
Stick people can have boobs
I STILL LOVE YA' POPPY!!
Comments by Tug
Where did the baby come from?
Comments by themuttprincess
I suppose personal could be in the eye of the beholder... but you still went fictional here which is definitely not personal.
I happen to know that you do not drink horse semen - you drink strawberry milkshakes to match your oreos!
Comments by Amy
Avi, no arms no love.
Tug, THANK you.
Comments by Poppy
Adam, I told you to be gentle with my husband. It was his first time. Sheesh. Also, I remember what you have said here. You said that you never wear pants, you don't give to charity, you don't want/have children, and you fear anything that is called a vegetable. So, this is where I conclude that you are somewhere in the middle.
Comments by Angel
Tug, not when I draw them - if they're clothed, they're tiny stick figures.
TMP, from a womb. Where else?
Amy, oh, this isn't personal, but upon closer examination, I am more personal than it seems with my blog. And I add horse semen for flavoring.
Poppy, armless people can love, too.
Angel, you don't think I'm a god-fearing republican who wears suits and eats salads?
Comments by Avitable
But I can't love them back.
Comments by Poppy
Nope, sorry Adam. But I still
you.
Comments by Angel
See what I've started now? You must now advocate for armless children everywhere. Maybe the baby can be the poster child...
Comments by Sheila
Did you get lost spelling "Anna Karenina"?
Did you know the top two rows on my bookshelf are dedicated to that shit? Actually the topmost row is all Shakespeare.
I don't have "I Ching", though.
Comments by annie
Poppy, just love their feet!
Angel, awww.
Sheila, I only love my armless baby - nobody else's.
Annie, I didn't get lost - I just knew that I wouldn't have space for the whole name. I actually do have the I Ching - it's from my advanced studies of Asian religion from college.
Comments by Avitable
Ooopie-doopie!
I only took "World Religions" in college. They should make EVERYBODY take that. Not for tolerance, necessarily, but to learn what is a 'religion' vs. what is a 'cult'.
It just reinforced my intolerance, heh-heh.
Comments by annie
I hate feet. How many times do I have to tell the world that I HATE FEET?! PAY ATTENTION, WORLD!
And I bet you and I have a similar book collection when it comes to religion. If I thought you cared I'd email my list to you, but you don't so I won't. Such a shame that you won't have a serious conversation with me.
Comments by Poppy
Ummm...everything I suppose.
Comments by Mistress Yoda
I've long suspected that your dog was only practice for a real baby... your subconscious desires are coming to light... : )
Comments by cat
Annie, yeah, religion classes should be mandatory.
Poppy, BWAHAHAHAHAHAAH!
Mistress Yoda, don't mock my armless baby.
Cat, my subconscious desires, eh? That "reality" image is a nightmare, not a dream!
Comments by Avitable
I
you, Adam.
(BWAHAHAHAHAHAHA!)
Comments by Poppy
Hey, that kid looks like the mailman.
Comments by Mist 1
I think Jigsaw is jealous of the baby now. Poor Jigsaw.
Comments by Angel
Also, does Amy know of this child that you have?
Comments by Angel
Well, when you folks read H.L. Mencken's The American Language (the major work plus both supplements) we'll talk. Until then... pleh.
Comments by RW
At first glance, I thought the top image showed you in a Viking helmet. For that brief moment, you were cooler than ever.
Comments by Joefish
Ha.
Fair enough.
Comments by themuttprincess
RW - I'm also an admirer of Meneken. Here's one of my favorite quotes:
"Philosophy consists very largely of one philosopher arguing that all others are jackasses. He usually proves it, and I should add that he also usually proves that he is one himself."
Comments by AnnieB
Well okay AnnieB, but it is the dull man who is always sure, and the sure man who is always dull.
Comments by RW
I wasn't aware that Vogue and GQ were intellectual. The things I learn...
Comments by Geeky Dragon Girl
Yes. Also "The capacity of human beings to bore one another seems to be vastly greater than that of any other animal."
Finis. I think we've succeeded in doing that.
Comments by AnnieB
Wow, you have done a great job of keeping your real life private.
Comments by Nessa
Poppy, you're so mean!
Mist, I've always been impressed how the armless mailman delivered our mail.
Angel, Amy's holding it!
RW, snooty fucker.
Joefish, I do have a Viking helmet. With pigtails attached.
TMP, actually, ours was born in a lab.
AnnieB, you're an admirer but can't even spell his name right?
GDG, they're not, but they're what pretentious people read who think they're trendy.
Nessa, yeah, I'm an accomplished liar.
Comments by Avitable
Yes I did make a typo. I was making fun of RW. I think HE got it.
Comments by AnnieB
You say "mean", I say "hard to get"...
Okay, and that truly was mean. Intentionally very mean. Mean, mean, mean.
Comments by Poppy
So much for halting my immature behavior. I knew that wouldn't last long.
Comments by Poppy
"I've always been impressed how the armless mailman delivered our mail"
Comments by Sheila
Does your wife have boobs? You neglected that part. I know since the baby is in the picture, the baby claimed them. No that's not right you'd just use the other and "share"...er something. Hmm I've got it, you don't see your wife as a booby havin' girlie anymore since you saw her get that last mammogram. Nah, that can't be it. Is she a vagina with glasses to you? I wonder...
Comments by Brandi
AnnieB, well, lah DEE dah!
Poppy, yeah, me too!
Sheila, look what you've started.
Brandi, unless they're naked, no women in my art have boobs. When they're naked, they have boobs. It's pretty simple.
Comments by Avitable
Are you trying to tell us something Adam?
Comments by Angel
OMG, I had to look! What was I thinking?
Comments by birdie
You might have fooled me if that cross on the wall had neon flashing lights on it.
Comments by Girl, Dislocated
lol
Comments by AnnieB
Angel, I am subtle like that.
Birdie, well, it wasn't exactly NSFW.
Girl, Dislocated, maybe it did!
AnnieB, oh, now you speak to us lowly folk in our own language.
Comments by Avitable
I didn't start it. If you had drawn arms on the child, things would be a lot different. Its your DNA, man...
Comments by Sheila
I'd rather live in the first picture.
Comments by Kentucky Girl
Sheila, I can't draw what isn't there!
KG, yeah, me too.
Comments by Avitable
Thought I'd better dumb it down since I can't draw you a picture.
Comments by AnnieB
I appreciate that. /drools and picks nose
Comments by Avitable
Finish your breakfast ... I'll catch you later.
Comments by AnnieB
That is a very nice jacket Adam.
I'm trying to decide whether or not I prefer the Gorilla hair one more.
AND A CHILD? HAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHHAHHA
Comments by Jordie
Annie, mmmm... Golden Nuggets.
Jordie, you've never met my armless baby? And I think, under that suit, I'm still that hairy.
Comments by Avitable