Since I'm busy working on the postcards, I didn't have time to write a post today. So I have a guest poster! And before I introduce him, don't forget to head over to Burt Reynolds' Mustache to read my post from yesterday. It's lonely and needs your comments.
This man has known me for over 30 years. He's a 73-year old entrepreneur, an amateur comedian, a Masshole, and my grandfather. Please welcome my Papa.
*************************
First, let me tell you that if it wasn't for my grandson, this post would be in all capital letters. Apparently in the world of the internet this is considered shouting, and I have been shouting every time I have sent an email for the last few years.
Now, when Ahmoo (we call him Ahmoo because that's the only way his little brother could say his name many years ago) told me he wanted me to write a guest post for his blog, I had no idea what a blog even was. He explained that it was like an online diary, which doesn't make a lick of sense to me. It seems a diary should be private, but what do I know? In my day, the only people who kept diaries were little girls. I hope Ahmoo's not a little girl. Although, now that I think about it, we don't have any great-grandkids yet!
I wish that was going to be the only time that I said "In my day", but it's not. You see, I've spent quite a bit of time on the internet using ebay and buying and selling my figurines. I get lots of emails that seem to be hoaxes and scams from people telling me that I need to click here and type this to verify my account or password. Before I do anything, though, I always forward it to Ahmoo for him to tell me if it's legitimate or not.
The thing is, he always responds in about 20 seconds, no matter what time of day or night. And that's just not normal, to be spending so much time on the computer, every single day of the week. In my day, we were active. We would do yard work and help family members and have a "honey-do" list of everything that needed fixing around the house. We would listen to the radio occasionally, and when television was around, we might watch Ed Sullivan once in a while. But it just seems abnormal to be parked in front of a giant box all day long, staring at a screen until your eyes go bad.
It's okay, though. Ahmoo's a good kid. I've watched him grow up (and grow and grow and grow, if you know what I mean), and he hasn't turned out half-bad. There was that time where he joined the circus but got kicked out because he couldn't fit in the tiny clown car. And when he got his head stuck in a toilet as a boy, we worried that he might not be too smart, but he proved us wrong. Sometimes. It's amazing how some of the smart ones never have any common sense.
Anyways, I am not sure really what else to write, but I thought I'd share one more embarrassing story. When Ahmoo was two years old, I would drive him to pre-school early in the morning. Part of our trip took us up a hill, and at the top, you could see the Tomoka River. We played a game called "I can see the river first." However, I would always distract him in some way and then, as we reached the top, I would shout, "I can see the river first!" And Ahmoo would cry and cry. This might explain why he's so competitive about everything now!
Okay, now back to my Hummels. Get off my lawn!
-PAPA
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Oh Ahmooo... don't cry and cry and cry.
God I have this overwhelming urge to pinch you now (Ahmoo, not Papa)
Comments by Miss Britt
Ahmoo...That is so cute. Do you like that nickname?
Comments by Angel
Ahmoo. what would your "papa" think if you let him read this drivel?
In my day, young folks did not make fun of their elders.
LMAO
Comments by bluepaintred
I'm going to tell your grandfather. Neener, neener, neener!
Comments by Joefish
You will forever known as Ahmoo to me.
Comments by Mr. Fabulous
Awesome.
It is probably a bad sign that I have already started saying, "In my day..."
Comments by Pete
PrivBritt Dancer, well, my eyesight is better than his now, so I always see the river first.
Angel, since it's my grandfather who mainly says it, I'm okay with it.
BPR, I'm not saying that this is not written by my grandfather, but if it wasn't, hypothetically, this is exactly how he'd sound. How did I hypothetically make fun of him at all?
Joefish, now I'm going to cry and cry!
Mr. Fabulous, I've lived with it for many years.
Pete, that is a bad sign.
Comments by Avitable
Is this papa as in Uncle Howie? Or your dad's dad?? Howie actually starts some of those fw: I get from my mother, I noticed! But I could hear him writing this I think :) Say hello for me
Comments by Julianne
Finally... somebody on this damn blog I can RELATE to!
Comments by RW
Funny how your Papa sounds just like you.
Comments by themuttprincess
I think I just inadvertently sent your PAPA a dirty postcard.
Comments by Poppy
Poor Ahmoo :( Does little Ahmoo want a lolly? You're such a good boy, good boy.
Comments by Mistress Yoda
Now, all I can see is that sad little boy with the ugly little plaid shorts with his head in the toilet.
Comments by Amy
Julianne, yes, it is supposed to be from your Uncle Howard.
RW, yeah, he'd think you were a young whippersnapper.
TMP, well, I learned at his knee.
Poppy, he'd like that.
Mistress Yoda, I like lollies.
Amy, heheh. So cute and so gay!
Comments by Avitable
You DO have billy C. Wirtz's song "Get off my lawn" don't you?
Comments by annie
Ahmoo, I'm totally crushing on your Papa.
Comments by Dragon
I figured it would be funny for my actual mom to reply to this post. I thought if I send her the link to your blog, asking her to reply to your entry mentionning she was my mom it would be funny.
Here's my mom reply to me:
"Why are you putting things like that in the web? Your grandfather didn't do any of those things to you, and the river near the cottage was the Watopeka river, not the Tomoka. I don't make jokes about your weight that much you know, but if you're self-conscious you should go on a diet. You used to be such a good boy. And all that talk about looking at woman's breasts? Does your wife know about this? And I never dressed you like that, it's a picture of your cousin. How long ago did you grow that beard? You don't visit too often let me tell you.
Your still loving mom"
Turns out it's not.
Comments by Mike
i bet your Papa is the one who bought you those plaid shorts. Every time I look at that pic, I cry and cry and cry for you. I mean, they're tears from laughing so hard, but they are tears nonetheless.
Comments by Webmiztris
only 19 comments so far..
apparently, no one gives a shit about old people.
guess you need to bring back
the holey socks.
-____-
Comments by liquid
HA! Jesus, liquid, I could have told you that!
Comments by RW
heh
Comments by liquid
It's blog posts like this that make me greatful for the family I have.
Oh look... I see the river first!!!!!
Yeah... cry Ahmoo... cry...
Comments by NYC Watchdog
I'm wondering why I wasn't more surprised that you got your head stuck in the toilet....
Comments by Tracy Lynn
Annie, I have never even heard of it.
Dragon, you might be too young for him.
Mike, yeah. Hm. No comment.
Dawn, no, my mother says I chose those myself. She said I chose my own wardrobes. Why she let me, I don't know.
Liquid, I know! I like old people!
RW, I like you, even though you're old.
NYCWD, *sniff*.
Tracy, you cannot get to Atlantis through the toilet, no matter what everyone tells you.
Comments by Avitable
I thought the "It's all a lie" title would've tipped you off.
Comments by Mike
Ahhhh! That was such a charming, hilarious post. I see where you get a lot of your humor. I love hearing embarrassing stories about my friends' childhoods...
I'm still wondering what you were bobbing for when you got your head stuck in the toilet, though... chocolate covered apples? har har har... ; )
Comments by cat
Some things make more sense now.
Comments by usedtobeme
Cute, but are you sure you didn't come out of the womb competitive? Just asking...
Comments by ADW
Mike, I'm slow. What can I say?
Cat, I have tons of embarrassing childhood stories!
Usedtobeme, exactly.
ADW, I did come out of the womb competitive. My grandfather made me manipulative, too.
Comments by Avitable