Driving around today and getting caught in traffic where three lanes converged into one reminded me of a story that happened last July. Our town had a celebration over the lake where they lit off fireworks, had live music, and did other shit. I, of course, stayed home.
However, around 10, I got hungry, so I decided to run over to Burger King to get a bite to eat for dinner. By run, I mean drive. I'll run if a bear's chasing me. Maybe. Other than that, I drive. The closest Burger King is about a mile and a half from my house, so it usually takes about 3 minutes to get there. However, I hadn't taken the traffic from the July 4th celebrations into consideration. There were hundreds of cars on the road, and the entire main road, which is three lanes on each side, was bumper to bumper. Immediately upon turning on this road (SR 436), I knew I had made a horrible mistake, but trying to get out of there was even worse, so I decided just to go to Burger King. I put on some music and settled in for the long drive.
Forty-five minutes later, we had moved up to the Burger King, which required taking a left turn at an intersection. While I can typically rely on the light to give me a green arrow to turn left, it was not my night. Office Retardy Dumbfuck was directing traffic, which consisted of him standing in the middle of the intersection looking like he was swatting at flies. By only allowing through traffic to proceed, he had made everything worse, because the turn lanes were backing up and impeding the through traffic as well.
As I inched forward slowly, with one car making a left turn every 5-10 minutes, I noticed that there were a large number of cars in the lane next to me with their left blinkers on. Apparently, they wanted to get over into my lane, in the middle of traffic that was completely stopped, just so they could go to Burger King or do a U-turn. Seeing how I had been in traffic for an hour, I was not about to let a single fucker in. I stayed as close to the car in front of me as possible. At one point, I was so close to them that I could probably have reached out with my big toe and changed their radio station.
After this excruciating wait, I'm the second in line to turn left, when I hear a honk. There is a car to my right that wants to get over. It is driven by a boy who couldn't be older than 17, and there are three girls in the car with him, probably ages 15-17. I say probably, because young teens look older and older every day now. At least that's what I tell the judge every time I get caught.
Anyways, the guy honks and points like he'd like to get in. I laugh and shake my head. Upon seeing my mean face, he ducks his head into the car, confers with the girls, and then leans his head back out the window. He actually shouts, "Hey, will you let us in front of you if they show you their tits?"
I know what most of you are thinking. Who would say no to that? Or, are you actually thinking, the smart thing is to hold out for oral sex first?
I nodded my head okay. With a flowing rhythm that made it clear that flashing was not something new to any of these girls, they leaned out the windows and lifted their shirts far over their heads. I smiled, gave my hearty approval, and then pulled away laughing, leaving them stuck in their lane, cute little perky boobs and all.
I know I pimp this a lot now, but today's post at These Walls is hilarious. Check it out!
Also, it's your last chance to request a postcard - go do it! I'm working on them now, and part of me is concerned that your spouse or significant other might throw it away without realizing what it is. Don't let that happen, okay? I'll post once they've all been mailed (probably early next week).
If you're new to the horrors of Avitable.com, don't miss out. Subscribe to my RSS feed!
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I was going to say that BK should give you free meals for all of your hard work getting there but uh...looks like you already got a free meal!
Comments by Hilly
I'm proud of you for not letting them in after they flashed you. Teaches them, doesn't it! Showing your boobs doesn't get you everything you want ...
Comments by Sheila
Wow... now those girls probably all have inferiority complexes because they're thinking their boobs weren't good enough to get them into your lane. In fact, you've probably psychologically damaged them so badly that they won't ever flash their tits again! What a total bastard YOU are... taking away titties from the rest of us!
Comments by Dave2
But. If I had showed MY boobs, you would have let me in, right?
And by in, I mean in your car...
Comments by bluepaintred
I have briefed the wife another postcard is coming. She walked away shaking her head!
Comments by Michael
On that "These Walls" thing? You guys need to talk about people behind their backs and then post that and then let them know you were all pounding on them and start this big flame war and have online stalking going on and people cyber-smearing each other. Then there'd be lawsuits and maybe even a few arrests and, like, secret meetings and gangwars and shit.
That would be cool.
Comments by RW
Those girls obviously needed to be taught a lesson.
The rule is:
promise boobs
demand favor
refuse to show boobs after favor is done
Right?
Comments by Miss Britt
I don't run for bears. I don't have the shoes for it.
Comments by Mist 1
I would have let them in. But then, I am much nicer than you.
Comments by Mr. Fabulous
Hilly, well, a snack, at least.
Sheila, I wish everyone would flash me so I could teach them that lesson!
Dave, sorry I took the boobs away from you.
BPR, of course. Especially if you also wanted a Whopper.
Michael, good to hear.
RW, good idea! We'll talk about you next.
MachiaBritti, you always show boobs after the favor, though. You're not THAT mean.
Mist, I'll keep that in mind if we ever encounter one. I guess I'll just have to swing you over my shoulder.
Mr. Fabulous, you'd let people in even if they DON'T show boobs. You're way too nice.
Comments by Avitable
I actually thought you'd pick a burger over boobies.
Comments by Mistress Yoda
Um, no.
Comments by RW
Teenage idiots!
Comments by metalmom
I hope this is a true story.
I also am disturbed at how similar you and Hay are in your driving styles. Not saying there's anything wrong. I just always assumed you and he were separate people and now I'm starting to doubt that.
Comments by Poppy
Well, they're stupid. Everyone knows you don't show the boobies until AFTER you get what you want. Duh.
Comments by heather
Those young girls will soon learn once the novelty wears off. You never flash until you get what you had asked for.
Comments by themuttprincess
I bet you fed the guy's ego into thinking he was a pimp. Considering how he just let you get ahead of him that should make his hos an easy mark. That's good to know.
Oh... and there are other fast food restaurants in the universe other than Burger King ya know?
Comments by NYC Watchdog
LMFAO That will learn them!
Comments by Dragon
oh, that is downright rotten, avi!
nice job.
:)
Comments by Webmiztris
I've never even thought of trying that! Goodbye traffic jams!
Comments by Carolyn
Holy cow. You really are a dick!
Comments by Amy
Mistress Yoda, yup. Burgers have more lasting power.
RW, fine. We'll find a new victim.
Metalmom, I know! Although, I was happy that they were idiots.
Poppy, it is a true story. Now come on home and I'll cook you dinner. Michigan dogs sound good?
Heather, these girls learned a valuable life lesson.
TMP, I'm hoping to run into them this fourth, too. We'll see.
NYCWD, BK is the closest one and usually the fastest.
Dragon, I'm all about education.
Dawn, I was hungry, and hunger trumps boobs.
Carolyn, you can flash your way to your destination.
Amy, if you show me your boobs, I'll go find them and apologize.
Comments by Avitable
You didn't mention anything about the waiting line at BK. There wasn't any or you just didn't see it because of all those boobs flashing before your eyes?
I like your blog. If you are interested in link exchange, you can drop me a comment at http://photo-blogging.blogspot.com/
Comments by Marko
I always loved this story. You must have really crushed their, "I can do this and I'll get my way" feelings.
Comments by Jordie
with a rack like mine i have never been done wrong. bet it feels good to stiff several girls at once though!
thanks for sharing the story. i'll need to share this with a few friends. great job!
Comments by hellohahanarf
For your sake, I hope that they have not learned all the rules of boobie ownership.
Comments by themuttprincess
I was so happy when I read your comment that you were making me Michigan dogs, and then I realized you were just making fun of the fact that I can no longer tell you and Hay apart. I'm senile in my old age, but that's to your advantage!
Comments by Poppy
Marko, the boobs confused me. And thanks for the offer, but please go link-whore somewhere else.
Jordie, weren't you in the other car? How did it feel? :D
Hellohahanarf, all I heard was "stiff" and "several girls" and I'm off to fantasy land.
TMP, me too. We'll see.
Poppy, yes. And if we're ever driving next to each other and you need to get into my lane . . .
Comments by Avitable
Burgers, boobies & bastardness? That almost makes the drive worth it, doesn't it?
Comments by Tug
You know I'll show you my boobs without there even being a reason, so let's just carpool.
Comments by Poppy
Tug, oh, it was worth it. Even if Burger King was out of burgers.
Poppy, ok, sounds like a plan.
Comments by Avitable
Please be more unenthusiastic about the prospect. Please.
Comments by Poppy
Your sarcasm does not go unnoticed.
Comments by Avitable
Keep me posted. I like to know about boobie sightings.
I keep a record.
Comments by themuttprincess
Neither does your lack of enthusiasm over seeing my boobs.
Comments by Poppy
And you wonder why I think you have a twin brother.
Comments by Poppy
Hot and cold, hot and cold.
Comments by Poppy
DONE!
You first.
Comments by Amy
TMP, me too.
Poppy, the WooHoo! was clearly implied!
Amy, we'll see about that - start drinking tequila so you'll be ready tonight.
Comments by Avitable
You have a woohoo smiley, use it!
Comments by Poppy
dumb, dumb girls.
Comments by Crys
Poppy,
Crystal, I know! You only showed me your boobs after I did you that favor!
Comments by Avitable
That's better, but I'm still insulted. I think you should be making up for your "bad".
Comments by Poppy
Sorry Avi, but I have never been to BK, Im a McDonalds girl all the way!
Comments by bluepaintred
If you still have postcards, I totally want one ;-)
Comments by Bethie
I don't think you fully thought through the long term implications.
Teenagers are still learning through reward/punishment.
Showing boobs got them punished.
Therefore next time they will rethink flashing and determine that it doesn't work, and try something else fully clothed (perhaps violent).
They will also tell their friends that boobie flashing does not work, so they too will not try it.
Soon enough the word will have spread across the world, and the only boobie flashing will be done in strip clubs where it will cost a lot of dollars.
Comments by Jacki
I want proof on video of the apology. If you can pull that off - I'll swing naked from a trapeze.
Comments by Amy
*watches and waits for "naked on a trapeze" to bring JoeFish out of his cyber blackhole*
Comments by Amy
Poppy, you want me to show you my boobs?
BPR, I'm flexible. I like both.
Bethie, I will send one!
Jacki, shit. You're right!
Amy, naked on a trapeze, eh? Hm.
Comments by Avitable
That's a start. But it's not a finish.
Comments by Poppy
Yeah... where IS joe?
Naked, boobies, that's like the Joefish bat signal!
Quick, someone yell VAGINA and make sure he's OK!!!
Comments by Miss Britt
OMG Guys...
AVI IS MORPHING INTO A CAUCASIAN "R. KELLY"
I am ashamed you've seen the naked boobies of teeny-boppers.
ROFL @ you being a "lane nazi" cause I thought I was the only person who didn't let people in front of me....EVER.
Comments by Mistress
BOOBS!!!!!
*looks for Joe*
VAGINA!!!!
*looks for Joe*
Two NAKED Girls WITH Vaginas!!!!
*still no Joe*
Holy Vagina Brittman! I think Joe's in REAL trouble this time!!!
Comments by Amy
And, uh, Avi...
Yes.
NAKED. TRAPEZE.
UPSIDE DOWN.
Now, where's my video, Bitch?
Comments by Amy
I could very well be wrong, but isn't Joe the newlywed? Hopefully he's experiencing vaginas & boobies of his own....
if I'm thinking of the right guy
Comments by Tug
Fucking newlyweds. Doesn't he know the Internet doesn't stop just because you get married and shit?
Comments by Miss Britt
I guess not... so all we can do is talk shit about him since he is obviously too good for us now.
Hey... RW might have a point...
Comments by Amy
What the hell are you retards doing?
Comments by Joefish
I tried to tell Joe that you are calling for him (I specifically said "VAGINA") but he's too busy talking about TVs. Really. ... Shrug.
Comments by Poppy
AHA. There he is.
Comments by Poppy
HA! Joe!! We thought you were a goner!
Were your boob senses tingling?
Comments by Amy
Is this thing on?
Comments by Poppy
Ditto somebody above. Talk about giving someone a complex! Those girls probably went out and had plastic surgery (implants) because they thought they weren't big enough for you to let them into the turn lane. Well done.
Comments by cat
I didn't have my boob-dar pointed in this direction.
Comments by Joefish
Oh JOE! Thank GOD you're OK!
We were so WORRIED about you. Sheesh. Don't you ever scare us like that again ever, OK?
Comments by Miss Britt
You all know I don't have my boob-dar tuned in on Avi's comments, right? The sensory overload would kill me.
Comments by Joefish
So THAT'S what it was... well, that makes perfect sense, Joe. I can completely understand that.
Comments by Amy
Poppy, oh, I finished. All over the place.
Brittman and Robin, the men can go play in your comments. We are female-friendly here.
Mistress, you are ashamed? I love naked teeny-boppers! More than cheeseburgers!
Amy, my video camera broke - sorry.
Tug, he married someone he's been with for many, many years. Not like they did it back in your day where they wouldn't even sleep in the same bed until they were married, and even then they wouldn't!
Joe, the girls wanted to share their vaginas with you, although I wanted to save thema ll fo rmyself.
Cat, I'm a psychological healer - it's good for them!
Comments by Avitable
back in MY day.......pfffft. You young whippersnappers could learn a thing or 10 from me.
Comments by Tug
NICE! Had I been in line behind you, I would have high-fived you in mid-air even if you couldn't see it. THAT is CLASSIC!
Say, what do I have to do to have an Avitable Comment Section Avitar of ME instead of you? Not that I don't adore looking like a stick figure of you, it's just that, I'm not quite so hairy? And I'm probably asking a way stupid question, because I know I'm not in your inner circle. Please educate me. LOL!
And allow me to add that I believe there should only be ONE Avi. I do not qualify for such a position.
Comments by Vulgar Wizard
Just go to http://www.gravatar.com/ and anyone who uses that plugin (which is a lot of people with WP blogs) will see whatever image you choose.
Comments by Avitable