In 100 Things: Part 1, I told you 21 things about my family. Then, in 100 Things: Part 2, I told you 19 eccentric things about myself. Today, it's Part 3:
100 Things: My Wife
60. Not only does she tolerate my sense of humor, she encourages it and finds it hilarious.
59. She has a Master's in Accounting and a Juris Doctorate. And she'll probably have a Master's in Anthropology in the next few years that she'll get for fun.
58. Purely on the merits of her writing ability, she has had her work in tax published on at least three separate occasions. Purely on chance, I've been published the same number of times. We are in constant competition to see who will get published next.
57. She is a very fashionable dresser and has sweatpants that cost more than my entire wardrobe. How she can bear to be seen with me is beyond my ability to comprehend.
56. She absolutely loves animals of all types. Cats, dogs, ferrets, fish, dolphins, birds, rabbits, horses, elephants, zebras - doesn't matter. She loves them more than people.
55. Consequently, she's a vegetarian. No beef, no chicken, no fish. And not a crazy unhealthy vegetarian like some people - she's very conscientious of the food that she eats. This means that we eat dinner together maybe once a month, when we don't go out to dinner.
54. Before she became a vegetarian, though, she could put a steak away like the best of them. It was very impressive.
53. She is a total Trekkie, but only the original series.
52. She used to drive like her mother, which meant slow and painful. Now she drives like me, which means I can usually handle it on the rare occasions that she drives and I'm in the car.
51. If the lawyer thing doesn't work out, she could be an interior decorator. She has an excellent sense of colors and style when it comes to a house.
50. If she and I taught at the same school, she'd be the Dr. Avitable that everyone would hate but respect for the education they received. I'd be the one that the stoners would want because I'd be funny and easy, but not strict enough.
49. She has a sister who is 8 years her junior but they look and act almost identically. It's incredible.
48. I don't travel with her to somewhere that she's never been. She creates itineraries that start at 6 AM and go to 7 PM, nonstop. She goes to almost every museum that she can, and takes literally hundreds of photos. Her three week trip to Italy ended up with 400 photos, and only about four of them had any of her girlfriends in them.
47. She loves to be a hostess, and we typically have great parties.
46. She makes old men blush with her language. She has a mouth that would make the saltiest sailor proud.
45. Even though she's trendy and fashionable and attractive, she is still a nerd at heart, whether it's the History Channel, Sherlock Holmes, Star Trek, Dr. Who, or ancient civilizations.
44. She is one of the few people who can genuinely make me laugh.
43. The fact that she hasn't killed me in a blind rage in the last eight years speaks volume about her ability to put up with infantile men with the mind of a little boy and the taste in music of a 12-year old girl.
42. If I wake up in the middle of the night when I'm experiencing night terrors, she always calms me down.
41. She's the most beautiful woman I've ever seen.
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number 41 made me say "Awwww"
I don't come here for Awww! I come for EEEK!
It's ok. I forgive you
Comments by bluepaintred
Hey... I'm a total original series Trekkie who is vegetarian and likes nonstop itineraries while traveling! Not only that, but I'm the most beautiful man I've ever seen, so I think we'd be perfect together! I don't suppose you'd be willing to part with her?
Comments by Dave2
So now you're giving your imaginary wife characteristics?
Comments by Clown
You are one lucky lucky guy and it sounds like you know it. You are also lucky to have me around here but then I'm one of your many online mistresses.
Comments by Mistress Yoda
Awww!
Insulin shot, please!
Comments by Kentucky Girl
Well then say your wife was driving in the lane beside you, and wanted you to let her in, but you don't like letting people merge in front of you - what do you do?
Comments by Jacki
You forgot #40- Her canonization as a living saint was assured when she said "I do" at our wedding
Comments by NYC Watchdog
how the hell did you get her (saint) to marry you ?
Comments by Grouch
Number 60 is must in a mate for men like you and me.
Having met her, I can attest that she is all you say and more.
Comments by Mr. Fabulous
That is cute.
Comments by Mike
Sherlock Holmes? Sherlock Holmes as in Jeremy Brett version Sherlock Holmes? If she's a Jeremy Brett Sherlock Holmes-ian, then all I can say is...
swoon
Comments by RW
A great gal for a great guy ... as it should be!
Comments by AnnieB
Wow!!! I think you should just address her as Saint from now on.
Comments by ADW
a) this is probably the most open and honest post you've ever written, ironically about your one "out of bounds" topic
b) when you used to say stuff about her like this before I thought you had to be blinded by love or completely delusional or something. I was completely blown away when I met her and she really was as fabulous, if not more so, then you describe
c) I still cannot fathom for the life of me what in the HELL she's doing with you. You must really rock her socks in at least one room of the house....
Comments by Miss Britt
Oh, and Dave's right. I would make sure those two never met.
You'd be screwed.
Comments by Miss Britt
BPR, so I shouldn't transform my blog into a bunnies and rainbows blog?
Dave, I've told her all about you, including your long-lasting relationship with your partner, Philip. She hopes you're both very happy together.
Clown, I was bored!
Mistress Yoda, I'm very lucky for many reasons. Although you still haven't made that video showcasing your supposed skills . . .
KG, I should have snuck that last one in the middle or something to avoid sending everyone into diabetic shock.
Jacki, I don't let anybody in, even her!
NYCWD, yup. I know!
Grouch, hypnosis.
Mr. Fabulous, absolutely. If it wasn't for that, there would be nothing.
Mike, cute? Shit.
RW, she might be - I'm not sure. She is a huge fan of the books, first and foremost.
AnnieB, who's a great guy? Don't go spreading lies here.
ADW, I would, but then she would just beat me with her halo.
SurroBritt Blog Wife, a) well, it is part 3 of a very open list of things about me.
b) I'm glad you realized that I never, ever, ever, lie or exaggerate, in a million years.
c) Well, I am the only person who knows how to use all of the remotes to make our entertainment center work.
Comments by Avitable
41 made me smile.
I love animals more than people too and I still eat them. Just not in lollipop form, because that's gross.
Comments by Poppy
Sometimes a little truth sneaks out from me before I can grab it back. I hate when that happens.
Comments by AnnieB
Awwwwww...between you & Fab & your Saints, I see there IS still hope.
Comments by Tug
But I don't want to be the saint...the man I meet will have to be. Is that possible?
Comments by Tug
I don't eat meat either. But I'm a terrible vegetarian because I'm too picky about what I eat. Really. My diet is very limited.
Only 400 pictures? When I go on vacation, I take 200 pictures in a week. Really, I photograph everything.
Humor is a must.
Comments by heather
Tug, silly question: Why would you want your man to be a saint? Is that really any fun? (I'll let you in on my answer from personal experience: No, it is not.)
Comments by Poppy
Heather: And you have an awesome SLR camera. No wonder your photos are so beautiful. (So are Amy's, but she's not reading Avi's blog to see the compliment.)
Comments by Poppy
Philip? My teddy bear?!? Well that just makes no sense at all... obviously you are telling her lies so she won't totally fall in love with me...
Comments by Dave2
Poppy, I have a craving for a meat lollipop right now.
AnnieB, me too! This post was one of those times.
Tug, yes, it is. In reality, I'm the saint, and my wife is the troublemaker.
Heather, well, I go through her photos and clean them up, crop them, and pick the ones that aren't repetitive, and then we have 400.
Poppy, it is too!
Dave, I didn't mention that she's high maintenance and needs a high income to keep her life the way she wants it. Plus, she clearly likes younger men.
Comments by Avitable
lmao, I'm with Clown.... you've created quite the imaginary wife. I'm surprised you didn't give her superpowers too.
Comments by Webmiztris
Poppy - I don't want him to be a saint in ALL areas...
maybe saint-ish?
Comments by Tug
I bet she loves gorillas the most.
Comments by Dragon
So what you're saying is you like sucking penis and that you're a saint? Wow.
I think perhaps I've come to the wrong blog. This is avitable.com, right?
Comments by Poppy
Tug - What areas are good areas in which to be a saint? I honestly can't think of any that fit into my view of a fun life.
Comments by Poppy
#41 earns you a prize alone!
Sherlock Holmes! A woman I can like. We have Sherlock Holmes on CDs for the car. My son loves it too.
Comments by Fogspinner
She sounds like the perfect woman for you!
You both are VERY lucky!
Comments by themuttprincess
I'm telling you - she should be nominated for Sainthood... just for putting up with you.
Comments by Amy
Poppy - Just putting up with me no matter how bitchy I get...understanding that I shall be #1 no matter what & my family comes first because they've ALWAYS been there. Too much? Oh yeah, & massages on demand with no reciprocation necessary.
Comments by Tug
That doesn't make them a saint, that makes them whipped.
Comments by Poppy
It's not something I can do willy nilly, I have to work up to it.
Comments by Mistress Yoda
I want to hear more about this sister...
Comments by Pete
ooh.....a whipping boy. FUN
Comments by Tug
Re: #46 - something I can't stand for is salty sea men.
Comments by Wayne
Dawn, did I forgot to say that she could fly?
Tug, saints don't have to be holy all the time.
Dragon, that she does!
Poppy, well, I have a craving for meat on a stick and penis, and I am indeed a saint. In the Church of Holy Avitableness. We have slightly different standards.
Fogspinner, yeah, we share that love for Sherlock - it was one of our first things in common.
TMP, everybody has flaws, and her main one is that she actually likes me!
Amy, her and Mike both.
Mistress Yoda, start drinking!
Wayne, I prefer salty to sweet. Sweet sea men = ugh!
Comments by Avitable
that's what I was saying.......
Comments by Tug
where the hell did my comment go???
Comments by Tug
Got caught by the spam filter. I saved it.
Comments by Avitable
YAY! I've never tried spam myself...
hee hee
Comments by Tug
Yes, we all have flaws. If that is her only one, she is DAMN NEAR perfect...
Comments by themuttprincess
Oops, I forgot you're a saint in your own church. Religion and I don't play together. And I never did find that beef and cheese burrito to induct myself.
And regarding your craving for penis: No comment. (But I'm sure there are at least two other people who will eagerly chime in on this subject. Have fun!)
Comments by Poppy
You could have skipped all that and just said: She's a Saint. Clearly.
Comments by BOSSY
Actually no - Arthur Conan Doyle is one of the worst authors in the history of the English language. His dialog is stilted and unnatural, his transitions are forced and executed with adolescent bravado, and he in no way deserves the admiration of any discerning reader. The character he created is enhanced by his audience's interpretation of that character PLUS his inconsistencies are tantamount to ridiculous absurdity.
Jeremy Brett's interpretation, and series, improved upon a mediocre work of pulp fiction by giving us all something that was closer to the feeling we gave ourselves in spite of Doyle's poor execution of a brilliant idea.
Comments by RW
LOL about her travelling habits! I could be like that. No time to waste!
Comments by DutchBitch
How is it that I didn't know Amy's master's was in Accountancy?? I mean it fits logically with her being a TAX lawyer, but for some reason that info was new to me with this post! either that or the CAPS-related alzheimer's is spreading!
Comments by Julianne
Tug, spam or sperm? Because I know you've tried sperm. Clearly.
TMP, yes she is.
Poppy, the beef and cheese burrito needs to happen sometime.
Bossy, then I would have had 19 other things to say!
RW, I like his writing. His writing feels reminiscent of the style of the time to me.
DB, she saves the time-wasting for her fun trips to LA and Paris for shopping.
Julianne, you've been smoking a bit too much crack, I think. You knew that the first time we visited you and found out that's what you were studying. In fact, we all talked about it, and then discussed it again once we found out Dennis was getting the same degree!
Comments by Avitable
aw, avi. this was the sweetest post you've ever written, honestly. i'm a little misty over here.
Comments by Crys
You know I've tried it? Are there cameras I should be aware of?
Just checkin' so so you get the best angle of course...
Comments by Tug
Comments by RW
Crystal, I'll have to make up for it with a truly nasty post tomorrow.
Tug, I have the DVD - Tug Gone Wild.
RW,
Comments by Avitable
Which volume?
Comments by Tug
Yes, Sir. I promise to eat one as soon as I can actually find one or have the time to make one from scatch. :)
Comments by Poppy
Oh bullshit! Mike is just working off some accumulated karma with me. He deserves everything he gets.
Which makes me wonder... what did Amy do to end up with you?
Comments by Amy
Your wife sounds really amazing and fun. I would probably get along with her! Cause I'm amazing and fun and all that
Comments by Miss Misery
Tug, XVIII. The one with the donkey.
Poppy, and then you can record yourself enjoying it for the world to see!
Amy, she was Hitler in a past life. And she gave me ice cream.
Miss Misery, yes, you are. She'd like you.
Comments by Avitable
Oh, the disappointment. I thought you, for sure, would have XX - the Gorilla Gets the Girl. So sad, it was a limited time offer.
Comments by Tug
She really is amazing in every way. If I hadn't met her myself, I'd think you were exaggerating.
Comments by cat
Wow, that's a really good idea... Is it getting old yet that I tell you you're fucking brilliant so much?
Comments by Poppy
Tug, so sad!
Cat, me? Exaggerate? Never in a billion years.
Poppy, it never gets old. I should encourage everyone to do that.
Comments by Avitable