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Postcard Update

Before I talk about the postcard update, allow me to clarify a few things:

1. No, I’m not expecting a child. I may never be expecting a child. This was a prank pulled on me by Amy and Britt, and they did an impressive job, especially by supplementing it with posts on their own blogs and a fake IM conversation between the two of them over on These Walls Have Ears. I still love them, and it was pretty damn funny.

2. For those of you who believed it, there are a few things of which you should be aware. First, if we were having a baby, there is an extremely good chance that I wouldn’t post anything about it on here at all. Even if I changed my mind and actually posted something, it wouldn’t be until the second trimester once the biggest threat of miscarriage had passed. Even at that point, if I were to write something, I would write something funny, not a serious post. And most importantly, I wouldn’t misspell anything!!

3. Knowing my stance on children, for those of you who did believe it, don’t you think sympathy or an expression of horror would be more in line than congratulations? I mean, I do appreciate the goodwill from all of you fuckers, but c’mon. If I was expecting a child, I’d be horrified and damn near suicidal. Or homicidal. Some type of -cidal.

Any questions? Good. Now, onto less frightening topics. As I’m sure you remember, a little over a week ago, I offered to send a horrifying and disgusting postcard to anyone who wanted one, with Avitable art on the front. Well, the postcards were mailed on Saturday across the US and to Canada, Australia, Sweden, and the Netherlands. In the end, I wrote almost 60 of them. If you requested one, you should be receiving it over the next week or so. If you didn’t request one, or if you want to spoil yourself, you can see the designs I created.

I designed 6 different postcards and randomly chose who was getting which design. I printed them myself using Avery postcards, and was pretty happy with them, except that they are not quite the same paper stock as most postcards, and they’re a bit thinner. For my first effort, they still turned out okay, and I hope you get a kick out of them. I used the space on the back to expand on the message on the front of the postcard in graphic, explicit detail. You’ll see what I mean once you get yours.

Here are the 6 designs:

Design #1
Design #2
Design #3
Design #4
Design #5
Design #6

In my post last week, I also said that the postcards from Heather, Vulgar Wizard, and Mr. Fabulous inspired me to do two different things. The first one was a secret, and this project was the second inspiration.

I will now reveal my first, secret inspiration:

When I first decided to do the postcard project, I searched for a website that sold postcards that were embarrassing and horrifying. Postcards that had messages on the covers that you wouldn’t want your mailman reading. If I could have found such a site, I would have bought several packs to use, instead of creating my own.

However, as far as I can tell, there really isn’t a site like that. So I decided to make one! Without further ado, I introduce Postcard Hell:

Postcard Hell

Right now, there’s just a placeholder (or if the DNS hasn’t propagated, nothing), but pretty soon I will have it set up to sell the six postcards I designed as a pack that you will be able to purchase and send to your friends, enemies, and pets! I plan on adding more designs, including plenty that are not my artwork, all with the main goal of passing on humiliating messages to anyone that you want to reach!

57 thoughts on “Postcard Update”

  1. BPR, it should be up by the end of the week.

    Angel, awesome!

    Mist, can you imagine the horror?

    Sheila, hopefully there will be no fainting spells among those who check your mail.

    Mr. Fabulous, I can’t eat a banana like you, though.

    Phishez, yeah, I’d imagine it takes at least that long to get down under.

    DB, it should be fun.

  2. Ok, when I first read that post before I was like. No, can’t be true. Then of course my gullibility took over me and I wondered. As I went on my day I was thinking…wait…why would she tell him this news over IM??

    I was sent on quite the roller coaster.

  3. LOL, I do like the maid one – although the naughty photos one is still my favorite!

    And, again, I :heartbeat: you, and you :heartbeat: me and are not plotting evil revenge…. right? :boobs2:

  4. I don’t want to see the designs until I get my postcard so I’m not clicking. I better not be receiving the one you showed me! I. like. surprises. dammit.

    And you know this already but I’ll be pimping your postcard site and ordering my own postcards when they’re available. Can’t wait for you to have the number to my credit card that has a bazillion dollar limit!!! (I’m guessing you’ll set it up so you won’t have the numbers but it’s still fun to say.)

  5. Nice. I love the diahrrea one – I am pretty sure that is my favorite and may have *ahem* happened to someone I know.

    Please let us know when Postcard Hell is up. I can’t wait to link to it.

  6. Poppy- You offer 5 or 6 for free… and another 18 for “members only”… with a subscription rate of like $5.00 or something.

    It’s doable… and if you offer not only ordering services but addressing and mailing services as well… it’ll sell hotter.

    Kind of like how Avi sent out his Xmas cards.

  7. Awesome postcards.

    Can’t wait to get mine at the office. Hope it gets here after I leave for vacations, so it’ll sit in the transparent folder hanger besides my office door for 2 weeks.

    If it gets here earlier, I might just leave it there… 😉

  8. Mistress Yoda, yeah, I’d never find out over IM, but they couldn’t come up with a better way to give the message.

    AnnieB, well, one is a she-male, clearly. The other one is just me in drag.

    You’ll never see Britt coming, wow, I just realized how dirty this name sounds! Heh. No evil revenge . . . maybe.

    Poppy, I think you should definitely stay spoiler-free. And I’ll be setting it up through a Paypal shopping cart, so I won’t see any information.

    NYCWD, at first I’m going to keep it very simple, but if it gets popular, e-cards are definitely the next thing to do.

    ADW, yeah, the diarrhea one is my favorite, too.

    Heather, look what you’ve started!

    Mike, I just feel bad for your wife when she gets hers!

    TMP, thank Jeebus indeed!

  9. Not to criticize people who are managing to raise kids, but every single day I see something to remind me why I would never reproduce. I could never do it.

    I think I would be suicidal too if I was expecting. Although suicide would be unnecessary because my body has a built-in mechanism for self-destruction if that were to happen–my uterus might explode. No joke.

    Love the Postcard Hell idea!

  10. Just wanted to let you know that I just came in for a drink and a bite to eat and to check out your blog…but I am running back out to to my mailbox to get live in my tent some more till I get my postcard…and it’s rainning today which makes it WAY more fun!!! Can’t wait to get it! 🙂

  11. Amy, I think you’ll be surprised! Hopefully it will go on your fridge!

    Erica, you don’t like baby poop?

    Mistress Yoda, me too.

    Girl, Dislocated, I think your uterus would indeed explode, with your luck.

    GlenBritty Glenn Ross, we need you for boob wars – you have some WMDs there.

    MD, let me know when you get it. I’m interested to see how long a postcard takes to get to your area.

    Dawn, he might faint.

    Janelle, good to hear – I’m glad some people are taking my word literally!

    Heather, I think you were a major instigator!

  12. I bet I know why his blog was “broken”… He “fixed” the smilies banner so you’d actually have to wiggle your naughty finger at your mouse to see the boobies.

    Smart, Ahmoo, smart.

  13. Wayne, offended and embarrassed for the whole family. That’s music to my ears. I hope it’s going on your refrigerator!

    Poppy, maybe tomorrow.

    Bethie, just don’t let Noah see it.

    And I can’t wait to get one!
    By the way – the one about pornographic pictures (maybe it was #3?) – actually happened to me. A misunderstanding, but it did. Funny story. Aahh… youth. :batting:

  15. Yeah I’ll be honest, I like you and all but I wouldn’t have congratulated you on a kid. I woulda been offering up some sincere condolences!

    And I’d hope you’d do the same for me if the tables were turned man.

  16. Poppy, hmm. Now that I think about it, I may have mailed it to “Poppy II: The Sequel.”

    Bossy, cheers!

    Sybil Law, oh yeah? Do tell.

    I’ve got a Britt in my neck, I think everyone else is getting notifications, so I don’t know what the deal is.

    Mistress, it’s a deal!

    MD, 4-7 business days? That’s it. I would have thought it would take longer.

    Jane, in a few hundred years I’ll be the next Rembrandt.

  17. my postcard arrived and it could not possibly have been more perfect! LOVE IT!!

    great job. i’ve scanned it and emailed to several friends who were all impressed with you.

    but how did you know i have dogs? great job!

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