Before I talk about the postcard update, allow me to clarify a few things:
1. No, I'm not expecting a child. I may never be expecting a child. This was a prank pulled on me by Amy and Britt, and they did an impressive job, especially by supplementing it with posts on their own blogs and a fake IM conversation between the two of them over on These Walls Have Ears. I still love them, and it was pretty damn funny.
2. For those of you who believed it, there are a few things of which you should be aware. First, if we were having a baby, there is an extremely good chance that I wouldn't post anything about it on here at all. Even if I changed my mind and actually posted something, it wouldn't be until the second trimester once the biggest threat of miscarriage had passed. Even at that point, if I were to write something, I would write something funny, not a serious post. And most importantly, I wouldn't misspell anything!!
3. Knowing my stance on children, for those of you who did believe it, don't you think sympathy or an expression of horror would be more in line than congratulations? I mean, I do appreciate the goodwill from all of you fuckers, but c'mon. If I was expecting a child, I'd be horrified and damn near suicidal. Or homicidal. Some type of -cidal.
Any questions? Good. Now, onto less frightening topics. As I'm sure you remember, a little over a week ago, I offered to send a horrifying and disgusting postcard to anyone who wanted one, with Avitable art on the front. Well, the postcards were mailed on Saturday across the US and to Canada, Australia, Sweden, and the Netherlands. In the end, I wrote almost 60 of them. If you requested one, you should be receiving it over the next week or so. If you didn't request one, or if you want to spoil yourself, you can see the designs I created.
I designed 6 different postcards and randomly chose who was getting which design. I printed them myself using Avery postcards, and was pretty happy with them, except that they are not quite the same paper stock as most postcards, and they're a bit thinner. For my first effort, they still turned out okay, and I hope you get a kick out of them. I used the space on the back to expand on the message on the front of the postcard in graphic, explicit detail. You'll see what I mean once you get yours.
Here are the 6 designs:
Design #1
Design #2
Design #3
Design #4
Design #5
Design #6
In my post last week, I also said that the postcards from Heather, Vulgar Wizard, and Mr. Fabulous inspired me to do two different things. The first one was a secret, and this project was the second inspiration.
I will now reveal my first, secret inspiration:
When I first decided to do the postcard project, I searched for a website that sold postcards that were embarrassing and horrifying. Postcards that had messages on the covers that you wouldn't want your mailman reading. If I could have found such a site, I would have bought several packs to use, instead of creating my own.
However, as far as I can tell, there really isn't a site like that. So I decided to make one! Without further ado, I introduce Postcard Hell:
Right now, there's just a placeholder (or if the DNS hasn't propagated, nothing), but pretty soon I will have it set up to sell the six postcards I designed as a pack that you will be able to purchase and send to your friends, enemies, and pets! I plan on adding more designs, including plenty that are not my artwork, all with the main goal of passing on humiliating messages to anyone that you want to reach!
posted by 
filed under 
tagged 
i don't even know which one to hope for!
I cant wait until the store is up!!
Comments by bluepaintred
I love them all!! I think "Postcard Hell" is a great idea. I'll be ordering!!
Comments by Angel
So, where are you registered? I can't wait to send a baby gift.
Comments by Mist 1
I'm super excited about my post card and haven't warned anyone!! Yay!
Comments by Sheila
God damn, you are such a talented fucker!
Comments by Mr. Fabulous
Those are fantastic. I can;t wait to get mine. In about three weeks.
Comments by Phishez
Wow Postcard Hell... I can't wait for it to start!
Comments by DutchBitch
BPR, it should be up by the end of the week.
Angel, awesome!
Mist, can you imagine the horror?
Sheila, hopefully there will be no fainting spells among those who check your mail.
Mr. Fabulous, I can't eat a banana like you, though.
Phishez, yeah, I'd imagine it takes at least that long to get down under.
DB, it should be fun.
Comments by Avitable
oh.my.God.!!
This is gonna be good! This week I think I'll let sonmeone else bring in the mail.:0
Comments by metalmom
I've been duped!
Comments by Pete
Metalmom, hopefully they won't throw it away thinking it's junk mail!
Pete, how so? The baby? Yup. Go blame the right people for that shit.
Comments by Avitable
Ok, when I first read that post before I was like. No, can't be true. Then of course my gullibility took over me and I wondered. As I went on my day I was thinking...wait...why would she tell him this news over IM??
I was sent on quite the roller coaster.
Comments by Mistress Yoda
Way cool! Ummm, is the beard on the females just a "signature" thingie or are you trying to tell us something? Just curious.
Comments by AnnieB
LOL, I do like the maid one - although the naughty photos one is still my favorite!
And, again, I
you, and you 
me and are not plotting evil revenge.... right? 
Comments by Miss Britt
I don't want to see the designs until I get my postcard so I'm not clicking. I better not be receiving the one you showed me! I. like. surprises. dammit.
And you know this already but I'll be pimping your postcard site and ordering my own postcards when they're available. Can't wait for you to have the number to my credit card that has a bazillion dollar limit!!! (I'm guessing you'll set it up so you won't have the numbers but it's still fun to say.)
Comments by Poppy
Those are some pretty hot designs!
PostCard Hell definitely has potential too... you should add an e-card postcard option too... those are great for promotional purposes as well as great fun!
Comments by NYC Watchdog
Dawg, that's brilliant! Of course, I'm not sure how that generates any revenue for Avi...
Comments by Poppy
Nice. I love the diahrrea one - I am pretty sure that is my favorite and may have *ahem* happened to someone I know.
Please let us know when Postcard Hell is up. I can't wait to link to it.
Comments by ADW
Poppy- You offer 5 or 6 for free... and another 18 for "members only"... with a subscription rate of like $5.00 or something.
It's doable... and if you offer not only ordering services but addressing and mailing services as well... it'll sell hotter.
Kind of like how Avi sent out his Xmas cards.
Comments by NYC Watchdog
Postcard wars are awesome.
Comments by heather
Awesome postcards.
Can't wait to get mine at the office. Hope it gets here after I leave for vacations, so it'll sit in the transparent folder hanger besides my office door for 2 weeks.
If it gets here earlier, I might just leave it there... ;-)
Comments by Mike
Thank god it was a prank.
I love the Postcard Hell idea.
Comments by themuttprincess
Mistress Yoda, yeah, I'd never find out over IM, but they couldn't come up with a better way to give the message.
AnnieB, well, one is a she-male, clearly. The other one is just me in drag.
You'll never see Britt coming, wow, I just realized how dirty this name sounds! Heh. No evil revenge . . . maybe.
Poppy, I think you should definitely stay spoiler-free. And I'll be setting it up through a Paypal shopping cart, so I won't see any information.
NYCWD, at first I'm going to keep it very simple, but if it gets popular, e-cards are definitely the next thing to do.
ADW, yeah, the diarrhea one is my favorite, too.
Heather, look what you've started!
Mike, I just feel bad for your wife when she gets hers!
TMP, thank Jeebus indeed!
Comments by Avitable
This is such a freaking brilliant idea!!! I didn't look at the postcards, though, because I want to be surprised when I get mine! hee hee.
Comments by Amy
Brilliant cards. And having kids would freak me the fuck out. No thank you to little people pooh!
Comments by Erica AP
It was a good one though, they certain made me a little confused.
Comments by Mistress Yoda
Not to criticize people who are managing to raise kids, but every single day I see something to remind me why I would never reproduce. I could never do it.
I think I would be suicidal too if I was expecting. Although suicide would be unnecessary because my body has a built-in mechanism for self-destruction if that were to happen–my uterus might explode. No joke.
Love the Postcard Hell idea!
Comments by Girl, Dislocated
I forgot to subscribe. Or something. Because I'm not getting fucking comments.
Heaven forbid I miss a boob war or something.
Comments by Miss Britt
HAHAHAHAHA!! Those are all great!!!! I am sure my postgirl will get a kick out of which ever one arrives.
Comments by Misfit Duck
lmao! I'm so excited to get my postcard... I hope my mailman doesn't steal it, but i couldn't really blame him if he did!
Comments by Webmiztris
Just wanted to let you know that I just came in for a drink and a bite to eat and to check out your blog...but I am running back out to to my mailbox to get live in my tent some more till I get my postcard...and it's rainning today which makes it WAY more fun!!! Can't wait to get it! :)
Comments by Janelle
I didn't start it. I blame Mr. Fabulous. And I blame you. You damn hermaphrodite.
Comments by heather
Amy, I think you'll be surprised! Hopefully it will go on your fridge!
Erica, you don't like baby poop?
Mistress Yoda, me too.
Girl, Dislocated, I think your uterus would indeed explode, with your luck.
GlenBritty Glenn Ross, we need you for boob wars - you have some WMDs there.
MD, let me know when you get it. I'm interested to see how long a postcard takes to get to your area.
Dawn, he might faint.
Janelle, good to hear - I'm glad some people are taking my word literally!
Heather, I think you were a major instigator!
Comments by Avitable
WHY AM I NOT GETTING COMMENT NOTIFICATIONS?!?!?!
Comments by Miss Britt
you are going to be a gazillionaire. BRILLIANT!
Comments by Crys
I want to be notified of boob wars too!
What could be better?
Comments by themuttprincess
It's official. Your blog is broken
This is probably a side effect of you banishing me cuz you're bitter. Or something.
Comments by Miss Britt
HAHA! Got my postcard today (I'm in Austin), and neither the wife nor the postlady is dead. Yay!
I got #4.
Thank you, Adam, Thank you.
Comments by Wayne
Mentally Brittardation, it's clearly your fault.
Crystal, we'll see!
TMP, vagina wars.
Wayne, you got it already? Wow. I'm glad you enjoyed it!
Comments by Avitable
Yep. My wife's comments were "um, wow. not only am I offended, I feel embarrassed for our family."
Comments by Wayne
No postcard today.
Comments by Poppy
Sweet! I have a postcard collection and this is just what I need ;-) hehehe
Comments by Bethie
I bet I know why his blog was "broken"... He "fixed" the smilies banner so you'd actually have to wiggle your naughty finger at your mouse to see the boobies.
Smart, Ahmoo, smart.
Comments by Wayne
Wayne, offended and embarrassed for the whole family. That's music to my ears. I hope it's going on your refrigerator!
Poppy, maybe tomorrow.
Bethie, just don't let Noah see it.
Comments by Avitable
Are you sure you mailed it to me and not my twin?
Comments by Poppy
Bloody brilliant.
Comments by BOSSY
I LOVE THE POSTCARDS!
And I can't wait to get one!
By the way - the one about pornographic pictures (maybe it was #3?) - actually happened to me. A misunderstanding, but it did. Funny story. Aahh... youth.
Comments by Sybil Law
Look! More comments I didn't get!
And after all the boobie glory I showed you...
Comments by Miss Britt
Yeah I'll be honest, I like you and all but I wouldn't have congratulated you on a kid. I woulda been offering up some sincere condolences!
And I'd hope you'd do the same for me if the tables were turned man.
Comments by Mistress
Sure thing! Should take 4-7 business days (That is how long it took Mr. Fabs to get here)but since this weekend is a holiday(including friday and probably monday) it might take longer.
Comments by Misfit Duck
Those are hilarious. The graphics on the El Avi's made me laugh out loud.
You're becoming quite the seasoned artist.
Comments by jane
Poppy, hmm. Now that I think about it, I may have mailed it to "Poppy II: The Sequel."
Bossy, cheers!
Sybil Law, oh yeah? Do tell.
I've got a Britt in my neck, I think everyone else is getting notifications, so I don't know what the deal is.
Mistress, it's a deal!
MD, 4-7 business days? That's it. I would have thought it would take longer.
Jane, in a few hundred years I'll be the next Rembrandt.
Comments by Avitable
Mistress - That's what I'd be thinking but then I might not say it out loud.
Comments by Mistress Yoda
my postcard arrived and it could not possibly have been more perfect! LOVE IT!!
great job. i've scanned it and emailed to several friends who were all impressed with you.
but how did you know i have dogs? great job!
Comments by hellohahanarf
Mistress Yoda, who are you kidding - you don't have any tact.
Hello, awesome - I'm glad to hear it.
Comments by Avitable
Crap, I missed the first postcard post. I so would have loved to see the look on my wife's face when she got one of those. Maybe some other time.
Comments by Brandon
Brandon, sorry - I'll be selling them soon, though!
Comments by Avitable