Postcard Update

Before I talk about the postcard update, allow me to clarify a few things:

1. No, I’m not expecting a child. I may never be expecting a child. This was a prank pulled on me by Amy and Britt, and they did an impressive job, especially by supplementing it with posts on their own blogs and a fake IM conversation between the two of them over on These Walls Have Ears. I still love them, and it was pretty damn funny.

2. For those of you who believed it, there are a few things of which you should be aware. First, if we were having a baby, there is an extremely good chance that I wouldn’t post anything about it on here at all. Even if I changed my mind and actually posted something, it wouldn’t be until the second trimester once the biggest threat of miscarriage had passed. Even at that point, if I were to write something, I would write something funny, not a serious post. And most importantly, I wouldn’t misspell anything!!

3. Knowing my stance on children, for those of you who did believe it, don’t you think sympathy or an expression of horror would be more in line than congratulations? I mean, I do appreciate the goodwill from all of you fuckers, but c’mon. If I was expecting a child, I’d be horrified and damn near suicidal. Or homicidal. Some type of -cidal.

Any questions? Good. Now, onto less frightening topics. As I’m sure you remember, a little over a week ago, I offered to send a horrifying and disgusting postcard to anyone who wanted one, with Avitable art on the front. Well, the postcards were mailed on Saturday across the US and to Canada, Australia, Sweden, and the Netherlands. In the end, I wrote almost 60 of them. If you requested one, you should be receiving it over the next week or so. If you didn’t request one, or if you want to spoil yourself, you can see the designs I created.

I designed 6 different postcards and randomly chose who was getting which design. I printed them myself using Avery postcards, and was pretty happy with them, except that they are not quite the same paper stock as most postcards, and they’re a bit thinner. For my first effort, they still turned out okay, and I hope you get a kick out of them. I used the space on the back to expand on the message on the front of the postcard in graphic, explicit detail. You’ll see what I mean once you get yours.

Here are the 6 designs:

Design #1
Design #2
Design #3
Design #4
Design #5
Design #6

In my post last week, I also said that the postcards from Heather, Vulgar Wizard, and Mr. Fabulous inspired me to do two different things. The first one was a secret, and this project was the second inspiration.

I will now reveal my first, secret inspiration:

When I first decided to do the postcard project, I searched for a website that sold postcards that were embarrassing and horrifying. Postcards that had messages on the covers that you wouldn’t want your mailman reading. If I could have found such a site, I would have bought several packs to use, instead of creating my own.

However, as far as I can tell, there really isn’t a site like that. So I decided to make one! Without further ado, I introduce Postcard Hell:

Postcard Hell

Right now, there’s just a placeholder (or if the DNS hasn’t propagated, nothing), but pretty soon I will have it set up to sell the six postcards I designed as a pack that you will be able to purchase and send to your friends, enemies, and pets! I plan on adding more designs, including plenty that are not my artwork, all with the main goal of passing on humiliating messages to anyone that you want to reach!

Enjoy this post? Try these:
I need volunteers!
Secret Tweet Schadenfreude
This entry was posted in My Art and tagged , , , , , . Bookmark the permalink.

57 Responses to Postcard Update

  1. bluepaintred says:

    i don’t even know which one to hope for!

    I cant wait until the store is up!!

    Reply

  2. Angel says:

    I love them all!! I think “Postcard Hell” is a great idea. I’ll be ordering!!

    Reply

  3. Mist 1 says:

    So, where are you registered? I can’t wait to send a baby gift.

    Reply

  4. Sheila says:

    I’m super excited about my post card and haven’t warned anyone!! Yay! :woohoo:

    Reply

  5. Mr. Fabulous says:

    God damn, you are such a talented fucker!

    Reply

  6. Phishez says:

    Those are fantastic. I can;t wait to get mine. In about three weeks.

    Reply

  7. DutchBitch says:

    Wow Postcard Hell… I can’t wait for it to start!

    Reply

  8. Avitable says:

    BPR, it should be up by the end of the week.

    Angel, awesome!

    Mist, can you imagine the horror?

    Sheila, hopefully there will be no fainting spells among those who check your mail.

    Mr. Fabulous, I can’t eat a banana like you, though.

    Phishez, yeah, I’d imagine it takes at least that long to get down under.

    DB, it should be fun.

    Reply

  9. metalmom says:

    oh.my.God.!!
    This is gonna be good! This week I think I’ll let sonmeone else bring in the mail.:0

    Reply

  10. Avitable says:

    Metalmom, hopefully they won’t throw it away thinking it’s junk mail!

    Pete, how so? The baby? Yup. Go blame the right people for that shit.

    Reply

  11. Ok, when I first read that post before I was like. No, can’t be true. Then of course my gullibility took over me and I wondered. As I went on my day I was thinking…wait…why would she tell him this news over IM??

    I was sent on quite the roller coaster.

    Reply

  12. AnnieB says:

    Way cool! Ummm, is the beard on the females just a “signature” thingie or are you trying to tell us something? Just curious.

    Reply

  13. Miss Britt
    Twitter:
    says:

    LOL, I do like the maid one – although the naughty photos one is still my favorite!

    And, again, I :heartbeat: you, and you :heartbeat: me and are not plotting evil revenge…. right? :boobs2:

    Reply

  14. Poppy says:

    I don’t want to see the designs until I get my postcard so I’m not clicking. I better not be receiving the one you showed me! I. like. surprises. dammit.

    And you know this already but I’ll be pimping your postcard site and ordering my own postcards when they’re available. Can’t wait for you to have the number to my credit card that has a bazillion dollar limit!!! (I’m guessing you’ll set it up so you won’t have the numbers but it’s still fun to say.)

    Reply

  15. NYC Watchdog
    Twitter:
    says:

    Those are some pretty hot designs!

    PostCard Hell definitely has potential too… you should add an e-card postcard option too… those are great for promotional purposes as well as great fun!

    Reply

  16. Poppy says:

    Dawg, that’s brilliant! Of course, I’m not sure how that generates any revenue for Avi… :P

    Reply

  17. ADW says:

    Nice. I love the diahrrea one – I am pretty sure that is my favorite and may have *ahem* happened to someone I know.

    Please let us know when Postcard Hell is up. I can’t wait to link to it.

    Reply

  18. NYC Watchdog
    Twitter:
    says:

    Poppy- You offer 5 or 6 for free… and another 18 for “members only”… with a subscription rate of like $5.00 or something.

    It’s doable… and if you offer not only ordering services but addressing and mailing services as well… it’ll sell hotter.

    Kind of like how Avi sent out his Xmas cards.

    Reply

  19. Mike
    Twitter:
    says:

    Awesome postcards.

    Can’t wait to get mine at the office. Hope it gets here after I leave for vacations, so it’ll sit in the transparent folder hanger besides my office door for 2 weeks.

    If it gets here earlier, I might just leave it there… ;-)

    Reply

  20. Thank god it was a prank.

    I love the Postcard Hell idea.

    Reply

  21. Avitable says:

    Mistress Yoda, yeah, I’d never find out over IM, but they couldn’t come up with a better way to give the message.

    AnnieB, well, one is a she-male, clearly. The other one is just me in drag.

    You’ll never see Britt coming, wow, I just realized how dirty this name sounds! Heh. No evil revenge . . . maybe.

    Poppy, I think you should definitely stay spoiler-free. And I’ll be setting it up through a Paypal shopping cart, so I won’t see any information.

    NYCWD, at first I’m going to keep it very simple, but if it gets popular, e-cards are definitely the next thing to do.

    ADW, yeah, the diarrhea one is my favorite, too.

    Heather, look what you’ve started!

    Mike, I just feel bad for your wife when she gets hers!

    TMP, thank Jeebus indeed!

    Reply

  22. Amy says:

    This is such a freaking brilliant idea!!! I didn’t look at the postcards, though, because I want to be surprised when I get mine! hee hee.

    :woohoo:

    Reply

  23. Erica AP says:

    Brilliant cards. And having kids would freak me the fuck out. No thank you to little people pooh!

    Reply

  24. It was a good one though, they certain made me a little confused.

    Reply

  25. Not to criticize people who are managing to raise kids, but every single day I see something to remind me why I would never reproduce. I could never do it.

    I think I would be suicidal too if I was expecting. Although suicide would be unnecessary because my body has a built-in mechanism for self-destruction if that were to happen–my uterus might explode. No joke.

    Love the Postcard Hell idea!

    Reply

  26. Miss Britt
    Twitter:
    says:

    I forgot to subscribe. Or something. Because I’m not getting fucking comments.

    Heaven forbid I miss a boob war or something.

    Reply

  27. Misfit Duck says:

    HAHAHAHAHA!! Those are all great!!!! I am sure my postgirl will get a kick out of which ever one arrives.

    Reply

  28. Webmiztris says:

    lmao! I’m so excited to get my postcard… I hope my mailman doesn’t steal it, but i couldn’t really blame him if he did!

    Reply

  29. Janelle says:

    Just wanted to let you know that I just came in for a drink and a bite to eat and to check out your blog…but I am running back out to to my mailbox to get live in my tent some more till I get my postcard…and it’s rainning today which makes it WAY more fun!!! Can’t wait to get it! :)

    Reply

  30. heather says:

    I didn’t start it. I blame Mr. Fabulous. And I blame you. You damn hermaphrodite.

    Reply

  31. Avitable says:

    Amy, I think you’ll be surprised! Hopefully it will go on your fridge!

    Erica, you don’t like baby poop?

    Mistress Yoda, me too.

    Girl, Dislocated, I think your uterus would indeed explode, with your luck.

    GlenBritty Glenn Ross, we need you for boob wars – you have some WMDs there.

    MD, let me know when you get it. I’m interested to see how long a postcard takes to get to your area.

    Dawn, he might faint.

    Janelle, good to hear – I’m glad some people are taking my word literally!

    Heather, I think you were a major instigator!

    Reply

  32. Miss Britt
    Twitter:
    says:

    WHY AM I NOT GETTING COMMENT NOTIFICATIONS?!?!?!

    Reply

  33. Crys says:

    you are going to be a gazillionaire. BRILLIANT!

    Reply

  34. I want to be notified of boob wars too!

    What could be better?

    :boobs1:

    Reply

  35. Miss Britt
    Twitter:
    says:

    It’s official. Your blog is broken

    This is probably a side effect of you banishing me cuz you’re bitter. Or something.

    Reply

  36. Wayne
    Twitter:
    says:

    HAHA! Got my postcard today (I’m in Austin), and neither the wife nor the postlady is dead. Yay!

    I got #4.

    Thank you, Adam, Thank you.

    Reply

  37. Avitable says:

    Mentally Brittardation, it’s clearly your fault.

    Crystal, we’ll see!

    TMP, vagina wars.

    Wayne, you got it already? Wow. I’m glad you enjoyed it!

    Reply

  38. Wayne
    Twitter:
    says:

    Yep. My wife’s comments were “um, wow. not only am I offended, I feel embarrassed for our family.”

    Reply

  39. Bethie says:

    Sweet! I have a postcard collection and this is just what I need ;-) hehehe

    Reply

  40. Wayne
    Twitter:
    says:

    I bet I know why his blog was “broken”… He “fixed” the smilies banner so you’d actually have to wiggle your naughty finger at your mouse to see the boobies.

    Smart, Ahmoo, smart.

    Reply

  41. Avitable says:

    Wayne, offended and embarrassed for the whole family. That’s music to my ears. I hope it’s going on your refrigerator!

    Poppy, maybe tomorrow.

    Bethie, just don’t let Noah see it.

    Reply

  42. Poppy says:

    Are you sure you mailed it to me and not my twin?

    Reply

  43. Sybil Law says:

    I LOVE THE POSTCARDS!
    And I can’t wait to get one!
    By the way – the one about pornographic pictures (maybe it was #3?) – actually happened to me. A misunderstanding, but it did. Funny story. Aahh… youth. :batting:

    Reply

  44. Miss Britt
    Twitter:
    says:

    Look! More comments I didn’t get!

    And after all the boobie glory I showed you…

    Reply

  45. Mistress says:

    Yeah I’ll be honest, I like you and all but I wouldn’t have congratulated you on a kid. I woulda been offering up some sincere condolences!

    And I’d hope you’d do the same for me if the tables were turned man.

    Reply

  46. Misfit Duck says:

    Sure thing! Should take 4-7 business days (That is how long it took Mr. Fabs to get here)but since this weekend is a holiday(including friday and probably monday) it might take longer.

    Reply

  47. jane says:

    Those are hilarious. The graphics on the El Avi’s made me laugh out loud.
    You’re becoming quite the seasoned artist.

    Reply

  48. Avitable says:

    Poppy, hmm. Now that I think about it, I may have mailed it to “Poppy II: The Sequel.”

    Bossy, cheers!

    Sybil Law, oh yeah? Do tell.

    I’ve got a Britt in my neck, I think everyone else is getting notifications, so I don’t know what the deal is.

    Mistress, it’s a deal!

    MD, 4-7 business days? That’s it. I would have thought it would take longer.

    Jane, in a few hundred years I’ll be the next Rembrandt.

    Reply

  49. Mistress – That’s what I’d be thinking but then I might not say it out loud.

    Reply

  50. hellohahanarf says:

    my postcard arrived and it could not possibly have been more perfect! LOVE IT!!

    great job. i’ve scanned it and emailed to several friends who were all impressed with you.

    but how did you know i have dogs? great job!

    Reply

  51. Avitable says:

    Mistress Yoda, who are you kidding – you don’t have any tact.

    Hello, awesome – I’m glad to hear it.

    Reply

  52. Brandon says:

    Crap, I missed the first postcard post. I so would have loved to see the look on my wife’s face when she got one of those. Maybe some other time.

    Reply

  53. Avitable says:

    Brandon, sorry – I’ll be selling them soon, though!

    Reply

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *

*

You may use these HTML tags and attributes: <a href="" title=""> <abbr title=""> <acronym title=""> <b> <blockquote cite=""> <cite> <code> <del datetime=""> <em> <i> <q cite=""> <strike> <strong>