“So, what’s up, dogfucker?” the voice in my ear smacked loudly and then exhaled as Britt sucked on one of her cancer sticks. She is so loud on the phone when she smokes that it literally sounds like Denis Leary’s parody of smoking loudly.
“Not much, just working, like usual.” I said, barely paying attention as I responded to an email and listened as one of my employees attempted to sell a client. “Amy’s leaving early today to fly out of town for business, but that’s about it.”
“Well, blah blah blah blah,” she talked for a while about things that you don’t need to hear about – real estate, her job, her vagina. You know, the usual. (I’m NOT saying that this was boring, just that I’m not going to recount the entire conversation.)
“Mmmhmm, that’s nice.” I said, finally happy that the smoking sound had died down, only to be replaced by a peeing sound! “Are you peeing outside?” I asked, horrified.
“No, retard.” Fluuushhhhh. “I’m at the mall – I was outside smoking, and now I’m going to go buy some stuff at Bath and Body Works. But ooh – Victoria’s Secret is having a sale!” She squeeeed (it’s onomatopoeia, fucker).
My email and employee seemed less important. My focus had shifted, and I was channeling all of my brainpower into creating the ability to see. through. the. fucking. phone. line. It didn’t work. “So, what are you going to buy?” I asked, casually.
“Boobs boobs boobs Bra boobs boobs,” she breathed sexily into the phone. Or something like that.
“Oh yeah?” Trying to sound cavalier, I cavalierly asked, cavalierly, “So, what are you, like a 33B?”
“No, fuckwit. I’m a 34C. Jesus Christ, haven’t I shown you my boobs enough for you to know what size they are?”
“I am horrible with sizes. Remember how I said my penis was 43 feet long? I don’t even know what my wife’s bra size is, and I’ve been with her for eight years!”
“Really?” she judged, “that makes you a bad husband. You should find that shit out.”
“Fine. I’ll go be a good husband.” I get up with the phone and walk across the house to the master bedroom. I go into the closet and rummage through my wife’s underwear drawer, coming out with a plain white bra.
“Will it fit you?” she asked, giggling with that airy blonde lilt to her voice.
“Well, all I need to do is strip down, grab a pair of panties, and I’ll have quite the sexy ensemble,” I said, holding the bra up against my chest as I pulled the strap around to look at the tag. I do a little twirl in the closet and say “Wow, I think this would fit me! It looks like she’s a size-” right as I turn to face my wife who had come home early to pack for her trip.
Enjoy this post? Try these:This is one Mr. for whom I’d drop my panties.
Still here
Six word memoir
you forgot to add that at that last part I was also trying very. fucking. hard. to see. through. the. phone. LOL
Reply
I smack loudly on the phone though?
Jeez. That’s it. Only IM for you for three days! You’re grounded from phone… er… conversations.
Dogfucker.
Reply
:crazywife:
HAHAHAHAHA!!!
And yeah, Britt does smoke loudly. Even louder than she pees when she is drunk.
Really.
Reply
and I must testify here to the fact that you actually thought bras came in a 33 anything…
and you call yourself a pervert. Pfft.
Reply
Britt has a pretty good point there… 33? Aren’t you supposed to be a boob connoisseur or some shit like that?
Reply
Brittoria’s Secret, I’m sure you were. It would have been hysterical to witness! I like boobs – bras are just the wrappers they come in and can be ignored.
Amy, between the loud peeing and the loud smoking, why do we talk to her on the phone again?
Reply
That’s so attractive. I never find my boyfriend in my bras
Reply
Did you not care that she was peeing while on the phone to you?
Reply
And your wife’s breast size will be revealed at the beginning of next season? Not that I care, I’m just curious for that sake of continuity.
Reply
I used to be a 34DDD but then I got them chopped down to a nice and small 34C. They are cute and perky and I love them. I have to admit I do spoil them with sleek,sexy (sometimes lacy) bras, but they deserve it, their recovery was rough..
Reply
:boobs1: :heartbeat: :boobs5:
Reply
Wow, Blue, what are you trying to get from Avi?! This: :fisting: or this: :bukkake:
Reply
lol!!!
Reply
Twitter: Blogography
says:
Hah! Let’s hear you explain that one to your wife, dogfucker!
:boobs5:
Reply
Now she’s gonna lock up all her girly wear in fear that you’ll be sporting them while watching Nascar or some horrid thing on television and she’ll walk in with her friends or something and die right there on the spot.
I mean it could happen. :boobs1:
Reply
I am sure it is nothing she hadn’t seen before.
A Victoria’s Secret sale is like catnip to women. It’s all any of them could talk about in the office yesterday, and a bunch of them went over to the mall and spent their lunch hour there.
I am not complaining. I like their perfumes. I have a boner at work all day because of all the pretty girls who wear Vanilla.
Reply
Your penis is only 43 feet long?
Reply
Hehehe I wonder what your wife’s reaction to walking in on you was? I would have paid to see that!! :lmao:
Reply
Amanda, well, I used to be an underwear model, so I’m an expert at these types of things.
Jacki, why would I care? Was pee going to get on me through the phone? I only get perturbed when she talks to me at the same time she’s having sex.
Jay, sorry, but the network canceled us.
BPR, I don’t believe you. I think you should send me pictures.
Sheila, probably both!
Misfit Duck, indeed.
Dave, she just sighed, shook her head, and said “I thought we talked about this.”
KG, it could happen. Well, I’d never watch NASCAR.
Mr. Fabulous, be honest – all of the pretty girls and boys, right?
RW, maybe it’s meters?
Angel, what do you think when you walk in on your husband modeling your underwear?
Reply
Your penis isn’t 43 feet long — I’ve seen you dance. (But please don’t misunderstand that I’m implying you’re small. In fact, you should make us a video showing just how big you are. Because we’d all watch that!)
:sexytime: All you need to know? That bra comes off if you try hard enough. Numbers and letters and wrappers for boobs truly are inconsequential unless you’re specifically trying to buy bras for your wife. You should probably consult with her anyway. And let her buy them. And just take them off her.
Reply
Thank goodness I swallowed that mouthful before I read the last line. Otherwise it would have ended up all over my POS laptop screen. Please tell me the bra was pink and lacy and a balconette. Please.
Reply
Dogfucker! That is the funniest word ever uttered.
Got my post card, it is lovely! But, I neglected to mention that I would be getting a postcard to my husband. Yeah, it wasn’t a good idea to forget to mention that I would getting a dirty postcard from a man I have never met.
Reply
Poppy, like I said – I think I meant meters, not feet.
ADW, alas, it was a boring white one.
Jen, was he horrified? Which design did I send you?
Reply
dude.
Duh.
I posted pictures last summer…
no joke, ask Fab. But this summer, While we are camping, I’m going to do a wet tee shirt picture just cause I always wanted too. I will post that one too!
Reply
Meters makes more sense…
Reply
Even Mr. Yoda hasn’t done that yet…I didn’t think anyone was as bad as him.
Reply
Well, I would laugh and tell him that I don’t think pink is his color. After that I would offer to take him to Victoria Secret to go shopping
for me.I still have not received my postcard, and I am not that far from you. I am hoping that I get it today.
Reply
BPR, surgery pictures don’t count! Ew!
Poppy, or maybe it was millimeters?
Mistress Yoda, not that you know of, he hasn’t . . .
Angel, I’m sure you’ll get it soon – unless your mailman impounded it for indecency.
Reply
I want to know what dancing pictures you are showing Poppy. Because they are obviously VASTLY different than the dancing videos you showed us…
Amy? Right?
Reply
@Avi: Aww, now I feel bad for you! Wait…math, how big is 43 millimeters? 1.69″ I don’t believe that for a second.
@Britt: I refer to the dancing video in the sidebar. You can totally tell he’s not packing 43 feet (or meters) of anything. How could he dance if he were?
Reply
The Brittastic Four, well, that dance was with a pole, and it was really cold out, but you guys kept snapping the whip and saying “Dance, bitch, dance!”
Poppy, metric tons?
Reply
The one warning me not to use my Avi-Vibe.
This is how it went -
Me: “Oh, who did we get a postcard from?”
Him: “No, YOU got a postcard”
I read it, laughed my ass off.
Me: “This is from that blogger I read Avitable.”
Him: “Hmph”
I think he stewed for about a minute, but, he’s over it.
Reply
You went from measuring length to weight. Which I guess is the same as girth. So, okay!
Reply
Quit avoiding the question. If there is some dancing video of you out there with a prosthetic penis, I WANT TO SEE IT!!!
:sex014:
Reply
Avi has a strap-on?
Reply
I swear I’m talking to myself. Why even read my original comment.
Reply
?
Reply
And I thought my boyfriend threatening to wear my panties was bad enough.
Reply
The Hubs refuses to even play with one of my bras on. I think I’ll save the mental picture of you for later….
Reply
Stay out of the panty/bra drawers. Isn’t that a law?
Reply
onomatopoeia is one of my favorite words. (torque is my absolute favorite word)
anyhow, thanks for the visual of you wearing the bra. that stuff is priceless.
Reply
Twitter: LeSombre
says:
Well let me tell you a funny underwear story that happened to me a while back…
Oh wait, we’ve been down that road before.
Reply
Jen, yeah, I can see some spouses being perturbed by these!
Poppy, maybe it’s minutes!
UnBrittable, you haven’t seen the secret “Snake in my Pants” video?
TMP, wear or eat?
Metalmom, I’ll do anything for boobs.
Mist, I think it’s a law in 14 states.
Hello, how about “galoshes”? That’s a fun one, too.
Reply
43 minutes? YAR. But, um, 38 minutes too long for me. Could you hurry it up a bit?
Reply
I always had a feeling you were keeping something from me…
The only video I’ve seen is that one where you use the neon filter on your web cam and stand up and shake your penis for me and Amy. That’s not the one, is it?? :dunce:
Reply
I would give $1,000,003.54 to have a photo of that moment! That is some darn funny shit there. I would have killed you if you tried on my bra and stretched it.
Reply
Twitter: tlkaply
says:
Yeah, You’re like the Pretty Pretty Princess Gorilla. :poke:
Bleaching my brain as you read this.
Reply
Poppy, as long as it’s not 43 months, I’m good.
Britty Friend, you mean the one where I was doing a handstand, and then sliding down the pole?
Dragon, I didn’t try it on – I was just holding it up to my chest to look at the tag. And next time, I’ll take a photo and then expect the check in the mail.
Tracy, I AM a Pretty Princess Gorilla! Whee!
Reply
I cannot believe you pulled “britty friend” in reference to that comment.
And here I was just gonna ask you if you needed a smoke break. Fucker.
:crying:
Reply
so did it fit or not? you cut the story off right at the good part!!
Reply
Hmmmm… I’ve decided (and I KNOW Britt will be with me) I want an Avi dance video WITH the bra!
:sex014: Now DANCE BITCH!!! DANCE!!!! :sex014:
Oh… and I want it in NEON. Right, Brittini?
Reply
Absolutely! The neon is wonderful because it masks the man bush but leaves the beautiful glow of everything else… :thumbsup:
Reply
He just keeps threatening to wear them…. And sniff.
If I caught him I would laugh and help him pick out a pair…
Reply
HarBritter of Doom, I still love ya.
Dawn, no comment.
Amy, I only dance for dollar bills – you know that.
TMP, as long as you’re open about it. Good luck convincing him.
Reply
Dogfucker [dawg-fuk-er]
One that engages in sexual intercourse with dogs.
Ewww.
Reply
Twitter: LeSombre
says:
Well, let me tell you about a funny underwear story that happened to me a while back…
Oh wait, we went down that road before.
Reply
Twitter: LeSombre
says:
Hey, my comments never make it to your blog… Hmmm. Weird.
Reply
I did not say I wanted him to. Just saying I would if that made him happy I would help.
I have enough to spare one pair…..
Reply
Clown, you only say that because you haven’t tried it recently.
Mike, not sure why you got caught by the spam filter, but you’re free now! And – great story!
TMP, you’re so generous!
Reply
sorry for making you see those LOL
When I go camping I will get the husband to take some wet tee shirt photos and post those for ya, mmmk?
Reply
I wish I could have seen the look on her face when she saw you!
Reply
lol, poor you avi. i’ll have to admit that i have caught mine doing much the same. tho he tried to pass it off as simple being ‘interested in what it feels like’
lol .. should i be worried?
Reply
Or maybe… it’s EXACTLY what it looks like ; ) I kid. That’s hilarious!
Reply
Twitter: thegoddesscher
says:
I just love that she calls you dogfucker.
CP.
Reply
Twitter: thegoddesscher
says:
stoopid saved information.
Not CP’s Hotband.
CP.
Reply
ok ok ok lets me see if I understand this story… While you experimented in crossdressing you heard Britt smoking, then peeing but you NEVER heard her wash her hands?
Reply
@y2k – :lmao: I think we are to traumatized by the other noises to pay attention!! I’m sure she does because she buys all those anti-bacterial soaps from BBW!
Reply
BPR, yes, that will work nicely.
ANO, I wish I could say that she was horrified and shocked, but she pretty much is unflappable when it comes to me.
Tanya, you caught yours, eh? You should be worried, unless he was on the phone with his blog wife talking about bra sizes.
Cat, heh. Shh.
CP, we do have great pet names.
Y2K, I’m sure she washed her hands. I couldn’t talk to her if she didn’t.
Amy, it’s the constant gas that bothers me more than the peeing sound. You too?
Reply
Hilarious her face must have been great to see when she saw you.
About to post my postcard from you that arrived today.
Reply
hmmmm, maybe there’s a secret fetish that you’re not admiting to…
Reply
Michael, excellent!
DCA, subconsciously, I did enjoy it . . .
Reply