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It’s not what it looks like

“So, what’s up, dogfucker?” the voice in my ear smacked loudly and then exhaled as Britt sucked on one of her cancer sticks. She is so loud on the phone when she smokes that it literally sounds like Denis Leary’s parody of smoking loudly.

“Not much, just working, like usual.” I said, barely paying attention as I responded to an email and listened as one of my employees attempted to sell a client. “Amy’s leaving early today to fly out of town for business, but that’s about it.”

“Well, blah blah blah blah,” she talked for a while about things that you don’t need to hear about – real estate, her job, her vagina. You know, the usual. (I’m NOT saying that this was boring, just that I’m not going to recount the entire conversation.)

“Mmmhmm, that’s nice.” I said, finally happy that the smoking sound had died down, only to be replaced by a peeing sound! “Are you peeing outside?” I asked, horrified.

“No, retard.” Fluuushhhhh. “I’m at the mall – I was outside smoking, and now I’m going to go buy some stuff at Bath and Body Works. But ooh – Victoria’s Secret is having a sale!” She squeeeed (it’s onomatopoeia, fucker).

My email and employee seemed less important. My focus had shifted, and I was channeling all of my brainpower into creating the ability to see. through. the. fucking. phone. line. It didn’t work. “So, what are you going to buy?” I asked, casually.

“Boobs boobs boobs Bra boobs boobs,” she breathed sexily into the phone. Or something like that.

“Oh yeah?” Trying to sound cavalier, I cavalierly asked, cavalierly, “So, what are you, like a 33B?”

“No, fuckwit. I’m a 34C. Jesus Christ, haven’t I shown you my boobs enough for you to know what size they are?”

“I am horrible with sizes. Remember how I said my penis was 43 feet long? I don’t even know what my wife’s bra size is, and I’ve been with her for eight years!”

“Really?” she judged, “that makes you a bad husband. You should find that shit out.”

“Fine. I’ll go be a good husband.” I get up with the phone and walk across the house to the master bedroom. I go into the closet and rummage through my wife’s underwear drawer, coming out with a plain white bra.

“Will it fit you?” she asked, giggling with that airy blonde lilt to her voice.

“Well, all I need to do is strip down, grab a pair of panties, and I’ll have quite the sexy ensemble,” I said, holding the bra up against my chest as I pulled the strap around to look at the tag. I do a little twirl in the closet and say “Wow, I think this would fit me! It looks like she’s a size-” right as I turn to face my wife who had come home early to pack for her trip.

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71 Replies to “It’s not what it looks like”

  1. Avitable

    Brittoria’s Secret, I’m sure you were. It would have been hysterical to witness! I like boobs – bras are just the wrappers they come in and can be ignored.

    Amy, between the loud peeing and the loud smoking, why do we talk to her on the phone again?

  2. bluepaintred

    I used to be a 34DDD but then I got them chopped down to a nice and small 34C. They are cute and perky and I love them. I have to admit I do spoil them with sleek,sexy (sometimes lacy) bras, but they deserve it, their recovery was rough..

  3. Kentucky Girl

    Now she’s gonna lock up all her girly wear in fear that you’ll be sporting them while watching Nascar or some horrid thing on television and she’ll walk in with her friends or something and die right there on the spot.

    I mean it could happen. :boobs1:

  4. Mr. Fabulous

    I am sure it is nothing she hadn’t seen before.

    A Victoria’s Secret sale is like catnip to women. It’s all any of them could talk about in the office yesterday, and a bunch of them went over to the mall and spent their lunch hour there.

    I am not complaining. I like their perfumes. I have a boner at work all day because of all the pretty girls who wear Vanilla.

  5. Avitable

    Amanda, well, I used to be an underwear model, so I’m an expert at these types of things.

    Jacki, why would I care? Was pee going to get on me through the phone? I only get perturbed when she talks to me at the same time she’s having sex.

    Jay, sorry, but the network canceled us.

    BPR, I don’t believe you. I think you should send me pictures.

    Sheila, probably both!

    Misfit Duck, indeed.

    Dave, she just sighed, shook her head, and said “I thought we talked about this.”

    KG, it could happen. Well, I’d never watch NASCAR.

    Mr. Fabulous, be honest – all of the pretty girls and boys, right?

    RW, maybe it’s meters?

    Angel, what do you think when you walk in on your husband modeling your underwear?

  6. Poppy

    Your penis isn’t 43 feet long — I’ve seen you dance. (But please don’t misunderstand that I’m implying you’re small. In fact, you should make us a video showing just how big you are. Because we’d all watch that!)

    :sexytime: All you need to know? That bra comes off if you try hard enough. Numbers and letters and wrappers for boobs truly are inconsequential unless you’re specifically trying to buy bras for your wife. You should probably consult with her anyway. And let her buy them. And just take them off her.

  7. ADW

    Thank goodness I swallowed that mouthful before I read the last line. Otherwise it would have ended up all over my POS laptop screen. Please tell me the bra was pink and lacy and a balconette. Please.

  8. Jen, South Florida

    Dogfucker! That is the funniest word ever uttered.

    Got my post card, it is lovely! But, I neglected to mention that I would be getting a postcard to my husband. Yeah, it wasn’t a good idea to forget to mention that I would getting a dirty postcard from a man I have never met.

  9. Angel

    Well, I would laugh and tell him that I don’t think pink is his color. After that I would offer to take him to Victoria Secret to go shopping for me.

    I still have not received my postcard, and I am not that far from you. I am hoping that I get it today.

  10. Avitable

    BPR, surgery pictures don’t count! Ew!

    Poppy, or maybe it was millimeters?

    Mistress Yoda, not that you know of, he hasn’t . . .

    Angel, I’m sure you’ll get it soon – unless your mailman impounded it for indecency.

  11. Poppy

    @Avi: Aww, now I feel bad for you! Wait…math, how big is 43 millimeters? 1.69″ I don’t believe that for a second.

    @Britt: I refer to the dancing video in the sidebar. You can totally tell he’s not packing 43 feet (or meters) of anything. How could he dance if he were?

  12. Jen, South Florida

    The one warning me not to use my Avi-Vibe.

    This is how it went –
    Me: “Oh, who did we get a postcard from?”
    Him: “No, YOU got a postcard”
    I read it, laughed my ass off.
    Me: “This is from that blogger I read Avitable.”
    Him: “Hmph”

    I think he stewed for about a minute, but, he’s over it.

  13. hellohahanarf

    onomatopoeia is one of my favorite words. (torque is my absolute favorite word)

    anyhow, thanks for the visual of you wearing the bra. that stuff is priceless.

  14. Avitable

    Jen, yeah, I can see some spouses being perturbed by these!

    Poppy, maybe it’s minutes!

    UnBrittable, you haven’t seen the secret “Snake in my Pants” video?

    TMP, wear or eat?

    Metalmom, I’ll do anything for boobs.

    Mist, I think it’s a law in 14 states.

    Hello, how about “galoshes”? That’s a fun one, too.

  15. Miss Britt

    I always had a feeling you were keeping something from me…

    The only video I’ve seen is that one where you use the neon filter on your web cam and stand up and shake your penis for me and Amy. That’s not the one, is it?? :dunce:

  16. Avitable

    Poppy, as long as it’s not 43 months, I’m good.

    Britty Friend, you mean the one where I was doing a handstand, and then sliding down the pole?

    Dragon, I didn’t try it on – I was just holding it up to my chest to look at the tag. And next time, I’ll take a photo and then expect the check in the mail.

    Tracy, I AM a Pretty Princess Gorilla! Whee!

  17. Amy

    Hmmmm… I’ve decided (and I KNOW Britt will be with me) I want an Avi dance video WITH the bra!

    :sex014: Now DANCE BITCH!!! DANCE!!!! :sex014:

    Oh… and I want it in NEON. Right, Brittini?

  18. Avitable

    Clown, you only say that because you haven’t tried it recently.

    Mike, not sure why you got caught by the spam filter, but you’re free now! And – great story! πŸ™‚

    TMP, you’re so generous!

  19. Tanya

    lol, poor you avi. i’ll have to admit that i have caught mine doing much the same. tho he tried to pass it off as simple being ‘interested in what it feels like’

    lol .. should i be worried? πŸ˜›

  20. Avitable

    BPR, yes, that will work nicely.

    ANO, I wish I could say that she was horrified and shocked, but she pretty much is unflappable when it comes to me.

    Tanya, you caught yours, eh? You should be worried, unless he was on the phone with his blog wife talking about bra sizes.

    Cat, heh. Shh.

    CP, we do have great pet names.

    Y2K, I’m sure she washed her hands. I couldn’t talk to her if she didn’t.

    Amy, it’s the constant gas that bothers me more than the peeing sound. You too?

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