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Lesson in Optimism

Things can always be worse. If you’re feeling bad about anything in your life, just think. You could have:

  • Walked up to the front door, tripped, and had your eyelid catch on a nail, ripping it right off.
  • Forwarded that email with the dirty, racist joke to your boss, grandmother, and local newspaper
  • Tried to quietly release a little gas in the movie theater only to end up shitting your pants.
  • Eaten an entire bowl of cereal and then noticed the bugs crawling in the box.
  • Given $20,000 to that nice man from Nigeria, and then given him another $20,000 when he told you about his brother, too.
  • Walked by that homeless guy who masturbates on the sidewalk right as he ejaculated all over your open-toed shoes.
  • Declared bankruptcy, gotten divorced, lost your house, and then get kicked out of your cardboard box by the hobo mafia.
  • Found a boyfriend online, chatted with him, fell in love, gone for your first meeting and then found out he’s your stepfather.
  • Walked in on your grandparents having sex. Doggystyle.
  • Gone fishing in the ocean and have a shark bite your nuts off as you leaned over the water to reel in the tiny fish you just caught.
  • Caught leprosy.
  • Had a spider lay eggs on your cheek so you think it’s a zit, and when it pops, thousands of baby spiders spill down and across your face.
  • Forgotten to pay your insurance and then had a hurricane destroy your house, exposing your modest collection of “herbs” growing in your closet.
  • Killed yourself by picking your nose, walking, and then tripping, ramming your finger straight into your brain.
  • Gotten your hand caught between the elevator doors that one time the sensors don’t work, and then have your arm violently ripped from your body.
  • Fallen from the top of a 100-story building and stay conscious the whole way down.
  • Gotten drunk and decided to juggle chainsaws.
  • Crashed your car, become comatose, and woken 30 years later when everyone you know is dead.
  • Forgotten you had a pencil in your hand when you went to put a baseball cap on and popped your eyeball like a grape.
  • Forgotten you had a pencil in your hand when you went to put your phone headset on, puncturing your brain and making you forget how to wipe your own ass.
  • Jumped rope near low-hanging power lines, frying yourself instantly.
  • Fallen on your erect penis, breaking it.
  • Taken your clitoral hood ring out while you went swimming in the pool, letting it sit on the brick patio in the 100 degree weather for three hours, and then instantly cauterizing your clitoris when you go to put it back in.
  • Had to go to Iraq.
  • Been gay in the 70s, female in the 60s, or black in the 50s.
  • Jumped into a dumpster full of used hypodermic needles.
  • Turned on the bathwater, stepped into the tub, realized you didn’t have a towel, gotten out of the tub, slipped, hit your head on the sink, and then lay there, paralyzed but completely awake as the water rose in the tub and slowly drowned you.
  • Had to use the bathroom at a friend’s house during a party only to realize that you have explosive diarrhea, there is no fan or spray, everybody can hear everything that is happening, and they’re out of toilet paper.
  • Had a stroke while laying on your couch at the same time that you accidentally start “Battlefield Earth” playing in your DVD player on repeat, and nobody else will be home for four days.
  • Heard your wife come home, stripped down naked, and streaked through the house to say hi just as you realize she brought home several coworkers for drinks.
  • Punctured a testicle.
  • Realized too late that the Scheiße party you were invited to when backpacking through Germany did not mean “Chocolate”, like you originally thought.
  • Gotten your laxatives and anti-diarrheal medicine confused.
  • Been reading a magazine on the toilet when a subscription card floats out, drifts towards your crotch, and gives you a paper cut right down your penis.

See? Cheer up!

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57 Replies to “Lesson in Optimism”

  1. Angel

    :lmao: :lmao:

    “Fallen on your erect penis, breaking it.”

    MY husband did that once!! We were messing around on the couch, and I ran upstairs to the bedroom, and he followed. I was in the bedroom and I heard a moan, so I walked out to the hallway to see him laying on the landing in the position that I’ve only seen in chalk outlines on TV. Apparently when chasing me he tripped over the top step and fell on his penis. Erect.Penis.!! He now refuses to follow me up the stairs…I have to follow him. :batting:

  2. bluepaintred

    Had a spider lay eggs on your cheek so you think it’s a zit, and when it pops, thousands of baby spiders spill down and across your face.

    or I could have gone to bed and read this post in the morning, which would have happily resulted in me NOT having nightmares about this.

    Asshole

  3. Wayne

    Ahmoo, I’m so disappointed in your vocabulary skills. Bullet #3 is known as a “shart“. You should have known that. Also, I like “Battlefield Earth,” but I fully realize I’m one of two people in the world who does. The other died after doing the finger-up-the-nose-into-your-brain bullet item above.

  4. Girl, Dislocated

    This will make an excellent reference for when things suck. Right now I’m going to bed (because it’s Wednesday :clap: ) happy because as much as this week is going to suck, I’m pretty sure I won’t be cauterizing my clitoris!

  5. Payne by name

    They were genuinely funny with the ‘eye popping like a grape’ and the ‘stroke on the sofa’ laugh out loudable!

    I confess to having had a stroke on the sofa but never to an image of John Travolta with a noseclip.

    The slowly drowning in the bath one reminded me of the unnerving scene from What Lies Beneath.

  6. ADW

    ew, ew, ew… I actually had 2 of the bullets happen to me. Does that mean that my life totally sucks??

    Although it could be worse. I could be some sick freak who makes up a list of horrible things that could happen to people. :lmao:

  7. Avitable

    RW, did people follow you around, pointing and yelling “Leper”?

    Angel, Did he actually break it or did he just fall on it? Because I’ve known someone who did break it.

    NYCWD, you’re not the Hobo Mafia – you smell too nice.

    BPR, I’d say sorry, but I’m not. That’s kinda funny!

    Wayne, oh, I know what a shart is. I just figured that some of my more genteel, naive readers wouldn’t. I have no comment regarding Battlefield Earth.

    Jacki, that is a good thing! Sounds like a dream come true.

    Girl, Dislocated, I guess I shouldn’t tell you that I almost made you one of the bullets. “Be capable of dislocating your extremities with the slightest motion, causing you to spend more cumulative hours in an emergency room than any one person should.”

    TMLSB, that must have made the wedding fun!

    Mr. Fabulous, they run all the boxcar gin sales up and down the East Coast.

    ADW, you did? Which two?

  8. y not i

    LMFAO

    Never walked in on grandparents having sex, but when I was about 9, I accidentally saw a friend’s GREAT-grandparents naked. **SHUDDER**
    I still have the mental scars to prove it.

  9. y not i

    Oh, and my dad used to tailgate in the projects near the stadium to save money on parking when we went to pro football games. While he and his friends drank out of the trunk of the car, my brother and I (both under 10) wandered the empty lots, picking up hypodermic needles and broken bongs.

    I’ve lived a charmed life.

  10. bluepaintred

    So. It’s seven in the morning, my eyes are fuzzy and red. Guess who I blame… I DID dream of spiders and zits.. and for some reason Elvis, but whatever, I’m here to complain

    I’d like to speak to your manager.

  11. Avitable

    Y not I, wow – you should feel blessed that you’ve lived this long!

    BPR, our customer service department is only open on days that don’t end in “y”.

    Mistress Yoda, I’m sure he is!

    The SecBritt, this isn’t positive thinking? Just think about how bad it could be!!

  12. Miss Britt

    Ok, upon re-reading (because I am shitty blog whore wife, I’m SORRY!!):

    #Crashed your car, become comatose, and woken 30 years later when everyone you know is dead.
    # Had to go to Iraq.
    # Been gay in the 70s, female in the 60s, or black in the 50s.

    Ouch. Damn.

    I’m sorry I can’t hug you from here babe. :heartbeat:

  13. metalmom

    The spider eggs thing is my #1 fear ever-I’m not shitting you! However, slipping in the shower and being paralyzed is a close 2nd. I’d rather die than be there naked with pictures of you and my shower toys strewn haphazardly!! :boobs3: LMFAO!!

  14. Amy

    I really want to see a guy fall on an erect penis. Really.

    @Britt – Avi isn’t gay (that he’s admitted to yet), black or a woman (no matter how he professes to think like one) and was born in 77 – why the fuck does he need a hug?

  15. Miss Britt

    @Amy – well, no, he’s not. But doesn’t that strike you as a little more bitter and actually sincerely sad for Avi than normal?

    Between you, me and Adam we could sink the fucking Titanic with our stress loads these days.

  16. Amy

    @Britt – uh, well, that is true. But, uh, really now, do you REALLY think he feels bad for those people or was just using this as one more bullet point in his post? Hmmmm?

    And agreed on the Titanic thing. Which brings up another interesting point. If you are comprised of the 5 people you hang around most – which one of you fuckers should I be dumping?

    And… BITCH! You didn’t post a comment on my blog but you come over here to respond to my comment? :sex007: BAD BRITT! BAD BRITT!

  17. Webmiztris

    “Had to use the bathroom at a friend’s house during a party only to realize that you have explosive diarrhea, there is no fan or spray, everybody can hear everything that is happening, and they’re out of toilet paper.”

    that one would be the killer for me….I would just. die!

  18. Avitable

    AnnieB, and here I thought you were just a demure lady.

    TMP, anytime!

    Tug, yeah, me too. I mean, umm. . .

    Britt’s the small things that matter, you can’t hug me, but you can show me your boobs from there. That’s just like a hug!

    Metalmom, yeah, that one freaks me out, too. And can you imagine if your mom came in and found you dead, with your huge anal intruder and my photo?

    Amy, you’re so misandrist!

    Dawn, yeah, me too. That’s why I don’t leave the house.

  19. Girl, Dislocated

    :lmao: LMAO! Well, at least there would still be 34 other things on the list I wouldn’t have to worry about! Plus, I’d take all the medieval torture techniques they use on me in the ER over a cauterized clitoris anyday!

  20. Poppy

    “Found a boyfriend online, chatted with him, fell in love, gone for your first meeting and then found out he’s your stepfather.”

    You’re my stepfather?! Oh well! More, please!

    :sex011: :heartbeat: :fisting:

  21. Poppy

    And you were right about this post being hilarious. Why I chose to do work stuff instead of coming here first thing this morning is beyond me.

    (Since this is a separate comment you better respond to the first one too or I’m flying down and stealing your computer for the p-o-r-n.)

  22. Miss

    You said “punctured a testicle” but you didnt say how. I know that makes it 100 times worse of a thing, but I really need to know what to watch out for. I know some day my boyfriend will thank me for the knowledge you bestow upon us here.

    Oh and BTW, you totally put my life in perspective today! :boobs4:

  23. ADW

    OK, I know this is off subject, but I was doing a little bathroom reading and came across this joke which instantly made me think of you:

    A guy walks into a bar and sees a sign that reads: Hamburger: $1, Cheeseburger: $2, Handjob: $10. He beckons an attractive blonde behind the counter.

    “Can I help you?” she asks with a knowing smile and a wink.
    “I was wondering,” whispers the man, “are you the one who gives the hand jobs?”
    “I sure am,” she purrs.
    “Well, please wash your hands,” he says. “I want a cheeseburger.”

    I love that I thought of you in the bathroom…. :shit:

  24. Avitable

    Jay, I’d rather be in everyone’s wet dreams than their nightmares.

    Girl, Dislocated, good point. You especially don’t have to worry about breaking your penis!

    Poppy, you should always come to my blog first thing in the morning.

    Miss, tripping and falling on a rake.

    ADW, very nice! That is totally me.

    Metalmom, yeah, same here.

    AnnieB, I’m sure.

  25. Poppy

    Re completely defying me on purpose: :finger:

    Re visiting your blog first thing in the morning: I know, sorry about that. Dishes, kitties, and finding pants to wear to work (as opposed to not wearing pants at all) took up my entire morning before work. Excuses, excuses.

  26. cat

    Omigod, I couldn’t even read through the entire list… too cringe worthy.

    Speaking of things that make you cringe… thanks for the postcard!! I got it yesterday. Hilarious! lol.

  27. Devilish Girl

    Well, this certainly put my mood into a certain perspective! And this one was certainly grpahic… Had a spider lay eggs on your cheek so you think it’s a zit, and when it pops, thousands of baby spiders spill down and across your face. :o)

  28. dog collar addict

    i am german so i LOVED the Scheisse comment! some of your old stuff really made me laugh. esp. the poo sex stuff. i always wondered what a rusty trombone was & now i know! (not that i really needed that info…) happy anniversary

  29. Avitable

    Poppy, yes, I am just like Jesus!

    Devilish Girl, see? It could always be worse!

    DCA, so you’re too lazy to comment on each post :crying:

    Brandon, yeah, save the rest for next time you’re feeling down! :boobs3:

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