Before you get to read your regularly scheduled post, here’s the NYCWD update:
As of right, now, at midnight EST on Tuesday, June 26th, we have raised just over $2800! Everyone is amazing. We’re so close to $3,000, and I’m only keeping this going through Sunday. Tell your friends, tell your church, tell your mom. Spread the word – let’s go for broke on this one!
And now, Wednesday’s post:
So, tonight, we went out to the movies. A typical Tuesday night normally allows us to enjoy the theater without too many crowds, obnoxious people, or other issues that plague the movie theaters on Friday nights and the weekend.
Unfortunately, this wasn’t a typical Tuesday night. A hot summer night, a PG-13 thriller (“1408″), and apparently a pheromone sprayed by the theater chain that attracts retards, meant that we weren’t going to have a nice, quiet experience.
While there were several obnoxious people around us, including the four pre-teen girls sitting directly in front of us who kept opening up their cell phones to text message until I kicked each of them lightly in the back of the head, the undisputed champion was the woman sitting to my wife’s immediate left – Chatty the Dinosaur!
This woman had no filter. Everybody knows the type of person I’m talking about. They have no ability to disconnect their tiny little peanut brain from their mouth. A thought pops into their empty fuckin’ head and is immediately spoken aloud.
So. We’re sitting there, enjoying the previews, when in waddles this prehistoric creature. With a little reptilian head, squinty eyes, a tongue that kept flicking out over her lips, and a wheeze that indicated the lung capacity of an elephant, this monster plodded up the stairs and fell into the seat next to Amy. The entire theater groaned and shifted, and dust from the newly-formed crack in the ceiling slowly floated down.
Shoveling popcorn into her mouth at a rate that was clearly necessary to keep her four stomachs full so that she could regurgitate it in the mouths of her hatchlings later, this monstrosity began to regale us, and everyone within a 15-foot radius, with her own commentary on the movie unfolding before us. Her husband, a man who would look strong and hardy in most circumstances, sat beside her, a beaten, timid soul. In between raucous crunches of popcorn, she began:
“Oh I like that John Cusack he was so good in that movie with that girl who we saw in US magazine that was dating that boy remember honey? Why’s he driving down that street? Oh he stopped because he’s lost and now he’s turning around I can’t imagine having to do a turn like that in the rain boy I think it’s going to rain tonight but we could use it because I think the grass is looking a bit brown and dear, you need to make sure to do more fertilizer tomorrow don’t forget about that oh look he’s going into the hotel I hope it’s not too scary because I’m not going to sleep for weeks like that time I saw Harry Potter do you remember how scared I was and I thought one of those Deserters or Demoners or something was going to show up and kill me!”
And then, during the scene, lightning flashes. It wasn’t scary or sudden – it was raining on screen and expected. Nobody jumped. This moron, however, shrieked like a banshee. And then continued.
“Ooh that’s creepy why is he going in there I wonder I don’t think I’d ever stay in a place like that, but I wouldn’t walk around investigating because I’d go hide in the tub…”
My wife turns to me and hisses, “If she doesn’t get quiet, soon, I am going to elbow her right in that giant maw she calls a mouth, and even if I lose my elbow, but I can dislodge a couple of her teeth and they go down her throat and choke her to death, I’m okay with it.”
So, clearly, being the man, I had to step in and save my wife’s elbow. I waited until the movie was relatively quiet, but Gabbasaurus was still going a mile a minute, and I said, in my clearest, most authoritative tone, “Would you shut the fuck up?” The entire theater gasped and hushed, including her. And we enjoyed the remainder of the movie in relative silence, punctuated with the occasional scream at the non-scary elements, and random gasps at parts that were not supposed to be surprises or twists.
Until the end. The credits start rolling, and she says loudly, “Well, what does that mean, huh?”
And once again I summon my big man voice and say, “It means you’re a fucking retard.”
And the entire theater erupts in laughter. And in the darkness, I smile and the world feels right again.
Enjoy this post? Try these:Movie Reviews (Spoiler Free): GI Joe and Julie & Julia
If I Won The Lottery
Movie Review: Sour Milk
Wow, I think I just had an orgasm. That was… just… beautiful.
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I soooo want to go to the movies with you!!! I hate people that just can’t shut the fuck up.
I checked out the previews and I’m intrigued. And I do like Cusak. Maybe I’ll catch this one tomorrow.
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retard indeed.
I was going to say she probably went home and cried, but I doubt she understood what you meant by retarded.
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Sir, I bow down, awesome. I hate those fucktards at the theater like that.
She probably went home and took it out on her hubby for not standing up for her.
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I love it!! It was great of you to save your wife’s elbow…after all, she is your wife. :batting:
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Can I go to the movies with you?? Then you could go with “the Amy’s” and we could all tell people to shut up.
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I’m a big baby and that movie scared the crap out of me
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I talk all the time. Even during movies. I am oodles of fun. Oodles.
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Twitter: tlkaply
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That almost made me weep with joy.
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Twitter: whyrustalkingme
says:
This is one of the many reasons I :heartbeat: you!
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I am so hot for you right now. I am driving down there today so you can do me.
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This is EXACTLY why we wait for everything to come out on DVD now.
You’re my hero! :clap:
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You had to have seen that movie in the same theater I did. We had about ten teenagers a few row behind us talking the entire time, screaming and then during scenes like when his daughter came back, they started laughing. Fucktards!
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Amy, awww, thanks. I just had an orgasm, too!
Devilish, you should. It’s pretty good.
Bethie, I think she went home to her cave and fed her hatchlings.
Michael, I’m never afraid to say something to people impeding my enjoyment. Nobody ever challenges me.
Angel, exactly! She needs the elbow, for elbow grease when she’s cleaning our floor!
Fogspinner, sure, everyone’s invited to the movies!
Amanda, it was eerie, and I think most people found it pretty scary.
Mist, are you perpetuating a racial stereotype now?
Tracy, that reminds me. Next time, I’ll say “Shut the fuck up or I’ll spoon-fuck you in the eye socket.”
Usedtobeme, I had to protect my wife from going away for murder.
Mr. Fabulous, I’m already hiding in your bathroom.
Dawn, we try to go to the theater every couple of weeks, especially during the summer. Usually it’s a nice experience.
Heather, yeah, I wouldn’t have allowed that to happen. Like I said, the girls sitting in front of me who kept texting and bathing the entire theater in a blue glow got a swift kick to the backs of their heads.
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Well I thought what you said to that dumbfuck was actually nice. You could have been WAAAAYYYY nastier to her, yet you chose the high road. Good onya!
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Can I hump yer leg?
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I hate twats like that. I talk during movies. At home. Why can’t people like that stay home to watch a movie? Then they only piss themselves off.
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Twitter: shellimil
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I have never experienced a Gabbasaurus such as this. Please tell me that you really did say those things to her, because if you did, then I want to take you to the movies with me in case I ever do run across her.
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I’m taking you with me to all my movies, because I’m usually the one who has to tell people to STFU.
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ADW, isn’t it frightening when I’m the diplomatic one between me and my wife?
RW, can you? You didn’t ask permission last time.
Phishez, if she had kept it up, I would have personally kicked her out of the theater. I’ve done that before with a woman who brought her baby.
Shelli, I really said those things. I have no problem confronting people.
Poppy, only if we can sit in the very, very back.
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YAR.
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dude, you rock! way to stand up for your wife…and yourself. awesome.
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I’d have had to kill her for keeping me from hearing my John. :crazywife:
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I haven’t gone to a movie in years just because of the retards, cell phones, sticky floors, and because no one will tell that gabby person to shut the fuck up.
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Man I wish you were at some of the movies I’ve been to – I just don’t get people! I either get the kid who kicks the seat or the person who eats like a cow or the chatty catty dumbass! I hate going to movies now a days – people have NO respect! We go to the drive in now alot. At least I can sit in my partically enclosed vehicle which helps with the unwanted noise!
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You are a great man stepping in to save your wife’s elbow! What a gentleman.
:heartbeat:
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That was sweet.
It reinforces my opinion of men.
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I’m taking you to the movies with me from now on.
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Do you find instances of that more here in Florida ? I go to the movies far less than I used to, but i have now seen two movies this summer on a Saturday nights, and they both had people on their phones and chatting and one guy even had a crying infant at an 8 p.m. showing of Spiderman 3 ! I remember going to the movies all the time when we lived in L.A., and there was never that much noise or disrespect for the movie or the audience.
Or am I just old ? I feel like ending this with, “And why won’t those damn kids stay outta my yard ?”
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You’re my hero.
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I would pay $25 for a movie ticket if it went to cover the salary of an usher like you.
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Oh yeah. Heh…
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Poppy, yar indeed.
Hello, I don’t know why people wouldn’t say something. If you paid for a ticket, it’s your right to enjoy the movie without the obnoxiousness of others impeding that.
Tug, your John, eh? Yeah, he’s pretty awesome.
Lynda, that’s why we usually go weeknights or Sunday afternoon.
Cheri, I just don’t let that type of thing happen.
TMP, well, it’s a damn sexy elbow.
BPR, I just feel bad for her husband. You know he heard no end of it later.
Mistress Yoda, only if you let me play the hole in the popcorn bucket trick.
Paticus, well, in LA, we usually went to either Arclight, which has a strict policy about noise, or we went to the earliest morning show on the weekends. People in the good parts of LA do respect the movie-going experience more, though.
Dragon, am I the wind beneath your wings?
Jay, I think that should be the next brilliant theater idea.
RW, it’s okay, I’ll forgive your memory lapse. Due to your age and all, ya know.
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I thought you were going to see the Die Hard movie?
Yes, I’m sure that’s what you told me. You said earlier this week you saw that scary movie with John Cusack and we talked about how “huh, John Cusack doing a scary movie?” and you said that’s why you couldn’t talk to me for those two hours.
And LAST night you said you couldn’t talk to me for those two hours because you were going to see Die Hard. With your wife.
Alright fucker, WHO IS HE?!?! :crazywife:
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Last week was Fantastic Four. We were going on Sunday to see 1408 but couldn’t make it until last night. Die Hard wasn’t even out yet, Brittard! Today is its first day.
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You keep changing your story. I’m on to you.
Don’t expect to bring your ass juice residue over this way Mister!
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do i even want an explaination of “ass juice residue”
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My Britty Pony, you usually ask for it!
Hello, I don’t even know what it is!
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I felt my eggs shift for you in a way no man has ever done for me!I LOVE movies and I usually get stuck in front of a fanboy who needs to explain to his fag friend how the movie differs from the comic. I wish they’d stay in their mom’s basement! :crazywife:
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Yes, you are the windbag beneath my wings.
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Um seriously we must have been in the same theater. We go on Mondays for the same reason and with school out they’re full of morons. I told some girl on Monday “Would you please shut the fuck up?” and she says “no” but she did so I was happy. I also keep the managers number on speed dial because I will NOT get up. I WILL call from the theater and I will get free tickets if I was interrupted too much. I don’t pay $7 (mil. discount) to get interrupted by obnoxious kids, loud popcorn eaters and parents who don’t leave their FUCKING KIDS AT HOME OMFG… sorry you hit a very sore spot.
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you are my hero, avi…LOL!
We don’t even GO to the theatres. If we’re going to pay that much to see a movie, I want guaranteed silence and that’s just not possible with the amount of fucknuts who insist on going to movies and talking right through it. Thank god for Blockbuster.
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Gabbasaurus, ha-ha-ha!
This is part of why I have not been to a movie theatre in over 10 years. I can’t abide people.
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The funny thing is I can actually picture you guys at the movies doing all that! :dunce:
I’m beyond wowed at all the money everyone has raised for Dave! I think this has to be one of the strongest examples of pulling together in a time of need to help someone!
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well, if he was that tired of it, he can always divorce her, maybe she is a tiger in the sack
Mental image + your description’s = *eww*
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I imagine it is.
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Metalmom, well, if you go to a comic book movie, that’s what you get.
Dragon, now, by wings, do you mean boobs?
Rachel, clearly this is an issue for you! This is the first time in a while I’ve had a bad experience at the movies, but it worked out okay.
Dawn, I just like the big screen and big audio experience. Even my huge TV doesn’t come close.
Annie, I love the movies too much to stay away.
Sarcastica, yeah, well, I did do it. I don’t abide by people affecting my enjoyment of something.
BPR, allow me to see your “ewww” and raise you a “retch”.
TMP, I’m erect just thinking about it.
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Umm yeah, wanna come to the movies with me? I offer free popcorn, I’ll even spring for nachos because I EMIT that pheromone. Doesn’t matter where I sit, a talker sits near me. I don’t mind hearing chuckles or the occasional, oh shit or even a quick whisper. It’s all good, i ain’t a prude but I get fuckers that recite the lines! :banghead:
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I wonder how many soul mates a person can have…. cus I’m pretty sure you’re one of mine. You’re right up there with Fabby and Keanu Reeves.
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:loser:
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i’ve given up on movies because of moments like those. people in general.
okay, i’ve given up on people, completely.
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Mrs. BB, I like nachos!
Jasmine, ooh, Keanu. I always knew he and I had a connection.
Sarcastica, :3some:
Crystal, me too. But I still have to mill around with the sheeple nonetheless.
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because you will hate to read that comment in its original form i will only say:
butt juice
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um, what the hell? i should be listed as one of the top commenters! i know i broke 100 at some point! what the eff! you’re robbing me! do i have to start over now! this is bullshit! this is fucking bullshit, mang! where is my name! where IS IT!!!
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Why’d you censor yourself? That was funny and evil at the same time.
I changed the Top commenters to the Top commenters for that month.
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And I’m WINNING!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Go meee Go meeee Go meeee
hey hey hey hey, Go Briiiit!
W00t!
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because you’re modest. you don’t want anybody to know that, like the Grinch, your heart has the capacity to grow ten sizes at any given moment. like a bacterial infection in a toe. additionally, wtf wrt the top commenter gig. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO WIN NOW?
it doesn’t seem like this is me-centric anymore.
cutting.
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the fact that someone other than Poppy is winning is miraculous!
MISS BRITT ARE YOU GOING TO BE IN ORLANDY-O IN SEPTEMBER
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There’s no Britting in Baseball, you’ll get an awesome prize!
Crystal, it starts over on July 1. You’ll just have to be more attentive to my blog – you’ve been neglectful recently. I’m an egocentric bastard – I’m not modest!
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it’s just that i got scared after the death threats from your readers after my 25+ comments per post, per day. but if you insist.
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She’ll be here in September. And we’ll get to go have fun!
And I do insist on your participation and attention – you are my avatar, remember?
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Crys – from your lips to God’s ears woman. Seriously.
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yes, we’ll get together! i’m glad she’ll be there because, as per rumor on the street, she does this thing i also like to do, called “drinking”, at least more than you do. so she’ll balance me out quite nicely, and we can sit across from you and do fun things like say, laugh at you. oh the thrills! i’m counting the days! wear your holey shorts, please! and hot pink underpants! i’m still begging!
i have to go through your blog, Britt, to see what the deal is with your place, whether it’s sold…
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It hasn’t sold yet. Crystal, don’t you guys need a nice place out in the country? Plenty of bedrooms, a nice corner lot? It’s a steal for $74,500!
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We talking Iowa? Where in Iowa—as in, city?
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About an hour and a half north.. uh… yeah, let’s say north, of Des Moines.
And I will TOTALLY drop my pants on my price, FYI.
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I feel the need to reiterate, I’m talking about my PRICE.
On the HOUSE.
Just, ya know, so we’re clear.
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Britt you do realize there is probably someone out there willing to pay for the house if you drop your pants. For real. It is a famous vagina afterall.
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TMP – really? That seems like a fair trade. Could you please find said person that is willing to buy my house in exchange for a glimpse of this famous vagina?
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Brittson Realty, You’ll drop your pants for a price – who are you kidding?
TMP, I think she could just sell it for a million dollars and then keep the house.
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Is that an offer?
Please fax over the contract ASAP.
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Which one of us holds the bucket?
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Brittorney-at-law, let’s see the goods first.
Mistress Yoda, me. But you can eat out of it hands-free.
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…And by eww, I assume you mean vagina? :assshake:
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Ok, I need lessons in having a backbone, can you teach classes or something?? PLEASE!!
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BPR, dinosaur vagina?
Janelle, first lesson. Never plead.
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I came back to see if you hit 3k and I’m so excited to see that it was done!
Was their no more room in the theater the the monster had to sit RIGHT NEXT TO YOU or do you both just look so appealing and friendly she had to take a seat?
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Hey! Three kids does NOT equal a large dinosour sized vagina!
*hurt*
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Show you the goods first? Pfft. And lose my reputation as a stellar sales woman?
I. Think. Not.
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Starting to get into some useful money, there! That’s first rate!
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Peggy, it was pretty crowded. But I think she thought my wife looked tasty.
BPR, now I understand what you were saying. I was talking poker terms, you were talking literally. I’m sure your vagina is wonderful.
GoodBritt Saigon, I have to check out the goods to make sure they’re up to my standards before I buy!
RW, Britt or NYCWD?
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I hate when people talk during the movie. I mean if you’re going to pay like $20 or so, you should be able to enjoy the movie and not be pissed off at all the talkers during the whole thing.
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NICE! kudos to you for telling ‘gabbasaraus’ to shut the fuck up! it’s bad enough that i have to pay 12+ dollars to see a movie, but then get a running commentary from some retard?
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Andrea, even if I paid a nickel, I’d expect it to be quiet.
DCA, yeah, Avitable don’t play like that.
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You are such a giver.
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:shit:
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Your wife sat next to my boss?! Gee, how’d that happen. I could have sworn she was on vacation in Oregon. But, nope, I’m pretty sure that was her ruining the movie.
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Mistress Yoda, I know. I’m a philantropist.
Sarcastica, :boobs3:
Clinton, you have to work with that every day? Please accept my condolences.
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was she black.
be honest.
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Don’t be ignorant. No she wasn’t.
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That was the awesomeness at its best!
A bitch slap would’ve done just fine, but nothing tops verbal public humiliation! LOL!
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