Categorically Uncategorized

100 Things Part 4

Before you get to read your regularly scheduled post, here’s the NYCWD update:

As of right now, at midnight EST on Wednesday, June 27th, we have raised just over $3000! Can you imagine that? In just over 5 days, we have raised an average of $600 a day! And with four days left, I am convinced that this number is going to continue to increase. I know that in today’s world, things tend to flare up and die quickly, and things become yesterday’s news lightning-fast, but four more days of support and generosity is not too much to ask in this situation. Keep spreading the word, keep talking to your friends, and keep giving.

And now, Thursday’s post:


In 100 Things: Part 1, I told you 21 things about my family. Then, in 100 Things: Part 2, I told you 19 eccentric things about myself. Then, 100 Things: Part 3 was about my wife. Now it’s time for Part 4:

100 Things: Weird and Cool Things I’ve Seen or Done

40. When I was 14, my family had a foreign exchange student from Spain named Pablo staying with us. We had a great time and went on plenty of adventures. One night, while running around the neighborhood, we saw a giant glowing UFO hovering over a neighbor’s house. We ran to the house and saw this giant hovering shape the size of a small house floating and humming, and then it lowered into the trees. We ran into the trees, and it disappeared.

39. I’ve stood at someone’s head and stared into their open chest cavity as a surgeon performed open heart surgery. The cauterizing tool makes the searing flesh smell like pork.

38. In 2006, I hung out with and treated to dinner one of the new gods of the comic industry, who is slowly taking over the rest of the world.

37. As a teen working for my uncle, who hung window tint in people’s homes, I worked in the homes of John Travolta, Madonna, and the parents of Jack Davis, one of MAD’s artists. The last one was the coolest, because his art was hanging all over the house.

36. I took my 1984 Chrysler Fifth Avenue off-roading, and managed to drive over a dirt hill that caused my car to catch about 5 feet of air.

35. One Fourth of July when I was 7 or 8, we were all laying on the side of the river in Ormond Beach watching the professional fireworks over the river. Laying on my back, looking up, we watched the explosion and the subsequent arcs as the embers floated down. I pointed to one and said, “Boy, that one looks like it’s actually coming down to us.” Well, it was. Pretty soon, the entire area where we were was engulfed in flames. A man standing next to my baby brother, who had a huge ‘fro at that point, had his hair catch fire. Everyone was screaming and running around. It was utter chaos.

34. Driving up to college one year, I watched as a car going in the opposite direction turned, spun, and then flipped end over end across all the lanes of oncoming traffic, the median, and then all of our lanes of traffic and landed on the passenger side in the breakdown lane. Then I watched some people run up to the smoking, sparking car and yank out a small Asian woman from the shattered window of the upended car, carrying her to a safe distance. She was completely unharmed. And then the car exploded.

33. In Los Angeles, there was a motorcycle cop going down the 5, driving erratically. He was in the far left lane, and would not let anyone get close to him or pass him in any of the 6 lanes going the same way. Every time a car got close, he would wave them off viciously. Finally, he got off at an exit that was the same as our exit. On the curve of the exit, I accelerated and got right on his tail, and then pulled up next to him at the stop light. I rolled my window down and said, “What the fuck is your problem? Why were you driving like that?” The officer was sweating like a pig, shaking like a leaf, and looked like he was about to cry. I think possibly it was his first time on a motorcycle and he was scared. He yelled, “What are you doing? You need to read your driving manual! You’re a bad driver!” At which point my wife started cracking up. I berated the officer for another minute before the light turned green and he roared off at top speed. That is the only time that I’ve ever pulled over a police officer.

32. I once fell about 15 feet straight down and ended up with nothing more than the wind knocked out of me.

31. I invented a household product, had plans drawn up, and had a prototype manufactured that is actually in my kitchen. Once I have the time, I’m going to fix the bugs and sell it on a mass scale.

59 thoughts on “100 Things Part 4”

  1. What a great friend you are to raise money for the Dawg. It’s just so heartbreaking what happened. I would love to help out but I am so in debt with my own medical bills and no income at the moment. I hate being in this position and wish there was something I could do for him.

  2. No fair using an example of something on the 405 in here… whatever it could be would still be a no-brainer. Last business trip I made to LA they had it blocked off during rush hour because of a “mysterious package.” Turned out to be a box of stuff someone was taking to UPS that fell off their pick-up. The 405 – during rush hour – I’m sure you can imagine…

  3. Tori, I could see that. The part I tasted did, too.

    Sheila, yeah, that is an incredible amount of money for such a short time.

    Dave, yup! Well, his parents. But all of his artwork was there. It was so cool!

    Mr. Fabulous, well, then, I guess I won’t invite you over for our Thursday Home Surgery night.

    Lisa, you’ve clearly had your own tribulations and heartbreaks. Just a nice word to him on his blog will mean the world to him.

    RW, well, this was the 5, not the 405, but yeah, I know what you mean. Ridiculous.

  4. Now I understand your fascination with the butthole. I’m not sure if those tracking devices are as easy to retrieve as they are to implant though babe.

    (seriously thoug – you saw a UFO? wow!)

  5. What were you doing on the 5? Doesn’t that go into cowboyland?? I once found the last restaurant in the world that didn’t take credit cards off the 5. It was like Death Valley Days. Or Borax or something.

    A penny to anyone who gets the last reference.

  6. Brittplug, only your butthole, sweetie. Only yours.

    RW, I lived in Burbank. We were on the 5, but before it became desert and cow skulls.

    Mistress Yoda, I actually have the invention, not just an idea. So there!

    Britt-n-Play, BWAHAHAHAHAHAH! Very nice. However, only industrial equipment like a jackhammer will do for my delicate tootsies.

  7. Avitable, I think you are an amazing friend and I only hope an pray that should I ever have something so tragic in my life happen that I would be blessed enough to have as good a friend as you do something like this for me. God Bless you! I do not know the tragedy he is living, but I do understand how it might feel—I lived that for five long years!!

  8. Poppy, thank you!

    Ev, you put too much stock in me. I’m actually quite an asshole.

    Mistress Yoda, what am I, Forrest Gump?

    Hello, yeah, I can’t, because it’s not yet patented.

    Sign on the Britted Line, I’ll pay in installments.

    Tug, yeah, I’ve done that. It is a bit different.

  9. Mistress Yoda, no. I’m reeeeeeallllly slow.

    Angel, I’ll leave it up to you!

    Metalmom, after re-reading them, I’m starting to think they’re not that cool after all.

    Sarcastica, yet I never leave my house.

    ADW, it was exhilarating.

  10. So you first tried acid at age 14, huh? ;)

    One time when I was pretty young I went to see fireworks with my mom and some friends and the same thing happened…all of the fireworks were falling all over the parking where everyone was camped out to watch. I remember everyone getting up and running to their cars for cover and sparks flying all around us. I was terrified!

  11. TMP, no. It was just more of a shudder and a thump.

    Dawn, how’d you guess?

    Mistress Yoda, rooze? Is that like when I hurt my arm and it turns purple?

    Britt of Roses, how about a letter for $80K?

  12. Dude, I had a 1987 Chrysler Fifth Avenue when I was in college. Those cars rocked because the air conditioner blew cold enough that frost would form at the windows. The seats were damn near so comfortable that I sometimes just preferred to sit in my car and I could haul like 300 college students all at once in it. Party like a rock star! :boobs1:

  13. Mistress Yoda, there’s shrimp sandwiches, shrimp soup, shrimp chowder, shrimp scampi, shrimp cocktail . . .

    Metalmom, miracles, eh?

    TMP, that sounds like fun!

    Bank of Brittain, of course – what type of crazy world do you live in?

    KG, I loved that car. It really was awesome.

    Amy, hey, I’ve posted tons over there. Britt’s the big slacker.

  14. I loved the postcard that I got…I got it Saturday, I believe. It’s awesome. I want to buy them and send them to a lot of family members. *evil laugh* When are we going to be able to do that?

  15. Mistress Yoda, so, small is okay with you?

    Bossy, exactly. Or barbecue sauce.

    BPR, thanks for emailing it to me. You’re my favorite person in the whole world!

    Crystal, I’d rather be a double bazillionaire!

    Angel, I’m working on that. Didn’t want to take away from the memorial fund.

    Stephanie, nope. It’s true. My top 100 are completely, 100% true.

Leave a Reply